I dont deserve love.

Hello, sorry for the alarming title but i feel like it will catch eyes. To put it simply, when i was maybe 14-16 i had a girlfriend that really wanted me to do BDSM on her. She told me what she wanted, I did it not because I was comfortable, but because it made her happy. Im not even into that at the extent she wanted me to go to. I understand that the things i did she explicitly asked me to do, and she was happy with it. I am still very upset about some of the things she wanted me to do, and that i did. Im sure nobody here can tell me “you deserve everything that happens to you”, but thats what i believe. Im about to turn 24, im not afraid of her finding this, or “exposing” a lame nobody. I want to know how to like myself after that. Theres no point in apologizing, she asked me to do it; and even if i wanted to apologize to her that would mean contacting her, which would create a whole new set of problems. I just hope somebody understands this and i dont have to wait until i have the funds to buy a therapist. I dont know how much longer i can torture myself

I wish I could give you a simple answer to your question. It sounds like you did some things you really didn't want to do. But is it possible you didn't have any way of knowing how much it would hurt you at the time? Maybe it's not her you hurt but yourself by going against what you feel comfortable with. But it's tough, especially at such a young age, because we don't always know how it's going to make us feel at the time. Since you mentioned apologies, I almost get the feeling that you want to be forgiven, but not from her, rather from yourself.

What if you thought about this differently?

What if you heard about someone else who was goaded, prodded, or coerced into doing something sexual that they weren’t comfortable with?

What if you heard about someone else who felt pressured to do something that went against their nature and their character because they wanted the love of their partner?

Would it look different to you if it was a man who goaded, prodded, or begged a woman to go against their sexual limits and boundaries?

What if that person was left with guilt, self loathing and a lack of self respect afterwards?

Would that person be deserving of love?

One of you wanted it done and is fine. One of you had your boundaries pushed and hates themselves.

Consider reframing this situation in your thinking.

You might be carrying this NOT because of guilt towards her, but because you feel guilty for betraying your boundaries and yourself.

RDMercer

I also just clued in to how very young you were.

I’m a dad of teens.

If one of my kids experienced this and was left carrying this burden it would hurt me in my heart.

You didn’t hurt this girl.

Your boundaries were crossed, or you went along with it because you wanted love or because you gave into pressure.

You didn’t hurt her. You’re hurting. You don’t have any guilt towards her. None.

Maybe use this as a 'life lesson' to not participate in activities that hurt other people & to not engage in activities you do not want to.

This stems from respect: respecting another so you do not hurt or degrade them (no idea what activity you engaged in - and I am not asking either) but also respect for yourself in not doing things simply because you are asked to.

Thank you for your kind words, the whole thing have given me identity issues across the board. I feel like a victim, but as a man i feel like a fake for being a victim. And then on the flip side i feel like i just want attention because i cant really relate to people, so im left wanting for acceptance in the background. Then when i can rationalize getting help i ultimately dont deserve help. I havent contributed anything to humanity, didnt go to college because i didnt have the money. Beyond burned my bridge with the one person that i felt like actually understood me. Thats been 7 years or something, and im just stuck either missing her or missing feeling something; im not sure which it is at this point.
Sorry for my syntax, and im truly glad your family is as close you are. I think my parents just ended up with a messed up kid its not their fault im like this

I really did love her, and i ultimately betrayed her by sending nudes to another girl. Granted, we were in like 8th grade so the crime may not be worth worrying about by adult standards, but at 14-15 that tore me apart. I was upset that i hurt her, upset that i lost her. I mentally changed myself on purpose to prevent myself from ever cheating again, but really i just abused myself every time i had a dirty thought like a dog being shocked. I think youre right about needing to forgive myself, but really i wouldnt have abused myself if i didnt deserve it to some capacity.

Cheating is wrong..... But you were a KID!

My kids have experienced being cheated on in ways worse than you described doing. I can't hate the offender, because they're a KID. And them doing that at 14, 15, or 16 isn't indicative of the type of person they are going to grow up to become.

NONE of us make consistently good decisions when we're that age. For some it's decisions about sex, for some it's about risk taking, for some it is about substance abuse or alcohol abuse, or any variety of other things.

Feeling that you have to punish yourself for it is wrong. Own your mistake. Apologize. Become something better in the future. That's it. Let it go and grow.

And I'm not convinced you loved that girl. I think you had strong feelings for her, and you were bonded to her by sex. She pressured and coerced you past your sexual boundaries. People can end up feeling bonded to someone over that, but that isn't love.

Love is easy and relaxed.

Be gentle with yourself.

RDMercer

I agree with the wisdom you've already gotten.

One thing that might make it difficult, and it's pretty much already been said, but you may be judging a very young you by standards that you've developed as your psychology has matured. You're currently a much different, and more mature, person than you were when that happened.

It does sound like you felt coerced into this situation, and that you could have some lingering trauma as a result. That happens to a lot of people, regardless of gender.

Regrets, unfortunately, are part of life too. All people, whether kids or adults, make mistakes sometimes. Anyone who says they haven't made a regrettable mistake in their lives is either a liar or completely out of touch with reality.

When it comes to regrets, they're things you have to live with, so processing them, accepting that they're part of you, and then going forward unwilling to repeat the mistake, is potentially the best you can do. That doesn't mean that the thoughts don't pop up and haunt you from time to time, but you can learn tools that help you move past getting stuck on it for too long.

If you don't have access to help from a counselor or therapist (I dont either), you could try looking for YouTube videos or books that might offer some guidance on putting traumatic regrets to rest. There are some really good resources out there, though sometimes it can take a few tries to find someone who seems to be offering the right insight, information and advice.

And you do deserve love. What happened was an event, and not who you are as a person.

@Flagberstar

If you were mine, and I knew you were struggling with this, I'd hug you until your shoulders hurt.

Once again, thank you. Im not convinced i didnt love her, because if i didnt love her then im not entirely sure what it is i need to be searching for. Granted, ive very much realigned with a normal feeling of sexuality and need, but i really fear that how i think of myself now is still too inflated. I have developed a sort of complex that makes me think im basically as important as the second coming, but also acknowledges how crazy that sounds and tries to degrade me to a normal level. Honestly im just doing my best to push all of that down and be as professional as my job requires me to be