I tried.

So,I got in touch with the friend I've posted about-little bit of telephone/text contact(nothing deep).The outcome of it is that she texted me to say she's sorry but she's "not ready yet".Originally she blamed her hurtful behaviour and withdrawal on depression/mood related problems.As far as I know she's still receiving treatment.

She's not staying in alone ,she's obsessed with a sexual relationship and is able to go out and about,make efforts for that.(although she knows it's not long term).It seems however that she's not making efforts to be friends-what is she "not ready" for?-we used to be so close,speak daily,I gave her lots of help and support when she asked me to.Is she telling me lies now? Is this her way of saying she doesn't want to be friends? If so,why not straight out and say that,(she's not hesitated to say hurtful things before)-better that than pretending that by "not ready yet" she might be in the future.Or,could she be telling the truth? Or is she just keeping me hanging on? If she's "sorry" then why not do something about it?

I don't think she's even pick the phone up to me if I were to ring her,yet in some ways I feel that if we could only talk..........

Impala, this woman is not doing you any good and that is what you should be concentrating on. If she's not ready, you have to drop it until she calls you and says, "Okay, I'm ready now!" That may be never. But you have to drop it now because, as you say, you have tried with her. She isn't doing anything about the friendship at the moment, not stringing you on, not deciding what to do in the future, not thinking of you or the friendship. She's doing other things, as you've said. You have to go do other things too.

I know it isn't doing me any good but I would like to know whether she is sincere about what she says or not.She even said she can't really explain why she's doing it and knows it's undeserved.

((((((((((((( Impala )))))))))))))

I have to agree with Perna....this situation and questioning the intent of your friend is not doing you any good. I think what it comes down to is accepting the fact that you cannot know her intent and it's time to let it go. You have questions in your mind that you feel need clearer answers, but even your friend doesn't seem to have clear answers as to why she is not ready. If she can't give you her full intent....you cannot possibly figure it out yourself. You can go round and round and round with this forever and a day and still never have a defining answer.

You, yourself said she lashed out because of her depression etc. So maybe she can't tell you now what is going on because she is still in the process of her therapy and figuring things out. She can't say hurtful things to you because maybe that is her true self and the lashing out really was out of her illness.

There comes a time when we have to get our heads and our hearts to come together. A time when you have to realize that you have done everything you can to rekindle the friendship and to get the answers that you so crave...but find none. A time when you have to pull yourself up and let go of this friendship as it has turned toxic on so many levels right now. A time to realize that not only has she hurt you, but that you are hurting yourself also by not letting go and moving on.

I know it's a process.....and it can be a long one. Grieving over a lost friendship takes time, patience and work in order to move on. Be good to yourself Impala...you deserve that much! The energy you are putting into this can be turned around and used in a more positive flow for YOU.

Through our lives people come to us and leave us.....that's the way life goes. From each experience we can learn and grow...maybe now is the time for you to grow! I pray that you can!

Please take good care of yourself.....smile and believe that you have done the best you could do.....now is the time for YOU!


sabby

it is okay, you did try.

i guess I just feel I need to talk things over and find out what she really thinks/feels,beforeI can move on.I realy would like to know if "not ready yet" means she thinks she might be some time or whether she has no wish ever to be friends again.She's told me so many lies before that I just don't know what to think.Why would you break off contact with someone yet say you know they don't deserve it.Can that really be sincere/true??

Is there any way (for my own sake) that I could try to persuade her to talk to me?

Impala, I posted on a couple of your threads because I'm going through a similar situation. It is painful and difficult, especially when we have so many unanswered questions. Since she is a liar, how can you ever again trust what she might say to you?

Things will never go back to the way they had been, that is for sure. You will always carry that pinch of doubt and uncertainty about this woman, even if you do end up to be back in a friendship.

I sense that you, like me, are struggling with a deep attachment to this friend and haven't yet found a way to release your own heart from something that has already left you.

The sooner we can shed the old, the sooner we can welcome the new. We've both done our best, but sometimes, our best just isn't what's needed in the hearts of the others.

Time is helping me let the past fade away, I am making a concerted effort to release my attachment for a lost friend. You can do it too, it takes time and patience and forgiveness to that person for not being the friend you need. She isn't today, she won't be tomorrow.

I'm going to go against the grain here, coming from someone who feels very, very deeply for friends both present and past and just say, sounds like you and your friends just had a text or online communication well there's nothing like genuine communication, as far as getting questions answered...try calling your friend just to see if she picks up....try from whatever number you feel the best chances are of getting your questions answered....I'm with you Impala!!! love junerain

Thank you for all your replies.I know that most of you think that this is not good for me and I understand why that is.Thank you for your encouragement,Junerain,it's very helpful to hear that.When my friend (or maybe I should say former friend) was saying she "wasn't ready yet",she also repeated that she was sorry.What I've been thinking is that ,if someone is truly sorry,don't they do something about it,or does that not apply when she has problems with depression.Sometimes I think that ,other times I see the effort she puts into her sexual relationships and although that's a different type of relationship,I think well,it shows she can maintain a relationship,ill or not.Maybe I'm wrong to look at things so simply and logically,I don't know.

I tried too, I did my very best to get that Former Friend of Mine to talk to me, anything would have been better than a cold abandonment. It saddened me tremendously that she never acknowledged my attempts to communicate, and 2 months after my saying "goodbye", I still feel the unbelievable sense of loss and grief. I miss her a lot. But, knowing that it's not on her heart or in her mind to try to fix things is what cuts me like a knife.

Why and how could I even want a friend like that?

Each day gets a little better, but it's not easy because I see her around from time to time. I wish like crazy that I didn't care so much about that person, but I do.

Time is going to help you get past this, and me to get past my loss. I'm doing my best to be thankful for the times we shared and to remember that there are still friends out there.

hello 1soslow,

I really feel for you in what you're going through,it is so hard.I'm glad to hear that things are a little better for you and I truly hope you find those better friends that we keep being told are out there for us.I 'm still having difficulty with my friend saying she's not ready "yet",as if things are not final,as if she thinks she may want to be friends at some point.Perhaps,in a way,this is making it harder for me.I keep wondering,for the reasons I set out earlier,whether she really could be sincere in what she says.

When someone has mental health problems,is it too straightforward to just thingk,well,if she really did regret/feeel sorry about things,she'd do something??

That's a hard question to answer, I'm a layperson in this department. My opinion is that her coping systems and values may be vastly different from what we'd consider average, so I'd say that anything's possible. Mental illness automatically trumps the expectation of our being able to foresee or predict or comprehend her behavior, and it's a moot point to try to evaluate the thoughts of another-- ill or not.

The only solid, credible evidence you have to work with lies in your own experiences with her. Her actual behavior toward you must be your only indicator of the value in your relationship with her. The question then becomes whether you are willing to allow someone to treat you in this way. If her friendship means enough to you to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings, then you have to temper your own feelings to accommodate the hurts and disappointments. If you choose to disallow her brand of behavior toward you, then it's your responsibility to refuse it and avoid it.

The bigger root in all this is whether she has already attempted to release you. Additionally, if she is emotionally unstable, her priorities could easily shift with the daily winds.

I'm rambling, I know, but my basic feeling is that if someone consistently drains good feelings out of us and does nothing to replace them, all that's left is negative feelings. No one wants or needs that.

I just wish we could sit down and talk about things ,I don't know what she meant by "not ready yet" (for what?).I veer between caring about her (which I do) and feeling upset and angry at the way she's behaved towards me-everything on her terms.Even now,I feel that everything is on her terms-she says she's "not ready"/won't talk but I feel that that's what I want to do and what about my feelings?

I don't know how to get all this across to her if she won't talk to me.It would have been simpler if she'd said "don't contact me again"(if indeed that's what she wants-who knows?)-at least that would have been cleare than "not ready yet".

It's hard when one side won't communicate, I agree. I'm a communicator by nature and have a tendency to expect everyone else to be one as well.

I think, based on what you've said, that "not ready yet" is her lackluster way of saying "don't contact me again" with the caveat that when she needs/wants something from you, that you should plan to be available to her.

It sounds to me like your feelings are no priority to her and that your hopes of fixing things are really only a form of self-torture at this point. Again, I say, do you really want a "friend" who is willing and able to treat you this way?

I really had to reckon with the reality that my answer to that question was "no". I know that my friendship is worth more than that and I am blessed with several other friends, all of whom, have treated me far better for many years. I'll stick with those friends, myself.

I think also, that, that former friend of mine doesn't know how to be a real friend. Call it "social dwarfism", there are just people out there who will flit from person to person every time things fall out of the initial infatuation.

It's probably time for Impala to take care of Impala and not worry about that other person anymore. You can do it. It hurts, but honestly, it hurts less than wondering and worrying about the "what if" all the time.

Impala, I think I might understand how you feel. I am going through a similar situation, and for me the "best" way to lose a friend is so that all is clear and there is no doubt that you could ever be friends. I tend to get too attached to people and if I don't know it is all over for sure, I also start thinking of those 'what if's'.
Although everybody else advices you to forget her, I don't know, maybe confronting her for the last time would actually help. Maybe you need to know just one thing for sure: that the friendship is ending for personality reasons and not for reasons that can be fixed. That is closure.
(Of course, it is possible that things can be fixed, which would be excellent)

I hope all the best to you, which ever way you get through it!

I think whatever she meant by "yet", she will have to be in charge of clearing up. It is obvious that you can't force her into communicating or meeting you from your side and you will have to see what she does with the "yet." I would move on for 6 months, work on finding other friends and activities and maybe in the Fall you will either feel differently about her or she will have contacted you. Whatever she means by "yet" she doesn't mean for you to know (if she knows herself) or she would have told you clearer.

I don't know whether (whatever happens),it would be best for me to get some of the upset and angry feelings I have,off my chest to her.Maybe that would make things worse? I don't know-at least it would get it off my chest (I'd probably regret it afterwards and think I'd well and truly blown it) but according to most people's views I've nothing to lose anyway and I just feel that everything is on her terms so at least I'd have let her know my feelings on this occasion.I suppose,if I did that,that would be it for any chance of rescueing things,or who knows?? It would probably have to be in writing too which I'm not keen on the idea of.

She does control what she does and whether she wants to hear from you, etc. You could try to force your upset and angry feelings on her, get them off your chest if you wanted, but they're "your" feelings, not hers so while they might make you feel better (or not) they might just make her pull further into her shell or be upset and angry about you giving her your feelings you don't want. She probably doesn't want them either :-)

Let it go for now. The more you focus on it the harder it is for you. Turn away to something else. No one is worth upsetting yourself (and at this point she isn't upsetting you because she's refusing to engage with you!) about like this. You tried.

I'm sure she doesn't want to hear what I have to say,Perna. But then,niether did I want to (or deserve to) be on the end of her behaviour.Is it right that she should just treat me like that and then move on without at least being told that her behaviour is unacceptable and why?Behaviour has consequencces and I think (even if it's just for a few seconds) she should be made to think about that.Does anyone think I really have anything to lose??

Impala, I did exactly what you are proposing, I wrote a very short note explaining my view of how things went awry. I ended it with goodbye. I got a kind of nasty reply because the truth stings us to the core. What I had to do was tell that former friend of mine which of her behaviors hurt me, and that I had forgiven her for them. I actually felt better.

I heard from her one more time a few weeks later, telling me that she misses me. I did not reply because I cannot face a "friend" who can't take responsibility for her own actions. I still struggle with it every day and somewhere deep inside, I wish that she would apologize for what she did. But I do understand that in her mind, she did nothing wrong. Hence, I cannot have that friend in my life because I do not allow people to treat me that way. Her way.

I think it's only the thought that she said she was ill which has held me back from doing this.The more I think about it however,the more I question whether she's just using illness as an excuse for appalling behaviour.(That's the word of another friend of mine for what she did).It's months ago now but the more I think about it,I wonder why she shouldn't be told.I would have to say to her that I did find her lies and utter lack of compassion to be an appalling way for one person to treat another.She has said she was "sorry",but not face to face,and I don't believe her words were sincere-why should she be,after all the lies she previously told.Also,her actions haven't been those of someone who is genuinely "sorry".From what I have seen,she views people only in terms of how useful they are to her at any one time-not with any genuine regard or feeling.That's how it looks.If I'm wrong then no doubt I'll see it in her future behaviour (but I doubt it).These are all the things I'd say to her if I was being truthful.Have I anything to lose? Most people seem to think this friendship (if it ever was one),is finished anyhow.