Paranoid girlfriend (ME)

Hi everyone!

I am new here and although I have other issues (yipee) one of them is me being paranoid about being cheated on. I have ruined relationships by being so paranoid (although looking back that was all a godsend) but needless to say now i am in relationship with someone i am very happy with and in love with. Its been a blissful 8 months, although the whole time i have been scared. Its getting worse now and i belive that is becasue I am feeling depressed with my life which leads to more paranoia. I am scared he will cheat on me, meet someone else, etc. He knows how i feel but i am getting more outspoken with it, for example pointing out prettier girls, freaking out about who he is talking to online, his cell phone, etc. He always tries to calm me but i dont know.

He says he wont cheat but come on they all say that. Now, he is always online at work, he works 12 hour days and it online on yahoo and aol. we met online so tht scares me. im always like who is he talking too, etc. i dont always ask it but i always think it and get all upset. Then the cell phone. In the begining of our relationship i would always get upset or accuse when someone called, etc. now he turns it upside down or keeps it in the other room. he says so i wont get upset because i never believe him anyway.

so things like this is what im dealing with. i am honestly surprised he is still with me but he is and i dont want to ruin it. i just dont know how to trust. or love fully. any help or advice out there is GREATLY appreciated. even if someone wants to message and chat sometimes that would be great. i am loney

Hi katielee and welcome to PC!

I'm wondering if you are in therapy at all for your depression/paranoia? If not, it may be a good thing to look into to find out exactly where your fears of being cheated on are truly coming from and then you can work on them.

Having been on the other end of constant questioning of who I'm talking to, where I've been, accused of cheating....I can tell you from that perspective that it's very very difficult not to get angry, upset and completely frustrated with it all. No matter how I tried to convey and convince that I was true blue.....it just didn't matter. He just insisted that I was up to something or that I was going to leave him. Unfortunately, I did leave him. I just couldn't live under that microscope anymore...there was no joy left in our relationship....no trust makes for a very difficult time. It really pushes away the ones we care about the most.

Is it possible that you are thinking these things because you have low self esteem? Maybe you've been hurt in the past by the same thing you are accusing your b/f of? Maybe even it could be that you don't really want anyone too close because it scares you to have that closeness and this is a good way to keep someone at arms length....and if the relationship doesn't last, you can blame yourself and continue the cycle of distrust and pain?

I can also say that I too have felt jealousy in a relationship and I had a hard time figuring out how to deal with it and stop it. I had to look deep within myself to figure out where it was coming from and why and how could I fix it. I realized that I had to reconcile my thoughts and believe that until I had something smack dab in my face that proved he was not being truthful with me that I was going to ruin our relationship. It only happened to me in one relationship and I can tell you it felt horrible....so I can imagine how you are feeling.

I hope you can figure all this out soon before there is real harm done to your relationship and to the both of you because of your fears. I know it's scary and hard sometimes to find the problem and fix it.....but it's soooooo worth it in the long run!

Wishing you well.


sabby

Hi katilee!!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your relationship.

Trust is a vital part of a healthy relationship. It can be really tough to be on either side of a relationship where trust is an issue.

I would caution you against relying on your bf to fulfill your need for human contact. We all need people, but it is impossible to get all your needs filled from just one person. Doing so puts undue pressure on the relationship. For example, if your bf is tired one day you might think he is mad at you because you were really needing his attention and didn't get it. In reality he's just tired, but because you were looking to him to fill your needs, you are disappointed or upset or worried...and that just feeds the paranoia.

A counselor/therapist can be a great help in working out these issues. I would also encourage you to make a few new friends, maybe learn something new -- find something *you* love to do to fill your days with. The more involved you are with your own life, the less time you'll have to worry about what he is doing.

Excellent thoughts SpottedOwl! I agree with you 100% on needing more than one person in our lives to help us with what we need. No one person can be our everything.....it's way too much pressure to put on another individual and in essence sets the relationship up to fail.

sabby

I started to see someone for help with my issues but my insurance did not cover enough so I had to stop. I know I do have low self esteem so that is a big problem and I have a major problem trusting people. It is things I need to work on but i just cant seem to figure out how.

I know how annoying it must get to him, im not blind to that I just cant seem to stop myself. Then whenever I say something stupid I get so mad at myself. I see what Im doing i just cant control it. I dont want to ruin this relationship so I am definately trying.

Thank you so much for your response.

That is the perfect answer, it is just so hard for me to follow. I am trying to work on it though. I joined a softball team and Im trying to tell myself when he is tired he means it becasue I know he does. I will keep on kicking but any advice on how to keep staying stong with the process?

Great job joining the softball team!

The best advice I can offer about staying strong is to be forgiving of yourself. If you have a bad day, that is ok. The important thing is to accept yourself and be kind to yourself even on those bad days.

If the softball team is going out after a game, but your bf is about to come home -- will you go home to see your bf or will you go out with the team?

For years I would have run home to see my bf. The problem with that is I was putting him first, at the expense of what I needed to be happy. Take small steps if you need to, but try practicing putting yourself first sometimes.

HTH

greetings, fellow katie!

it's scary to look at your post and being able to fully relate to it. i also met my boyfriend online - and it's weird that i was the one who first messaged him, i was supposed to be the confident one but now it's all wrong! i'm insecure and paranoid! ahhhh! how did this happen? - and am constantly afraid of him rekindling his relationships with his former ex-gfs (who are way over in japan and south korea!! crap, i'm crazy, text doesn't replace another person's presence).

the only relief for me is to talk about this to a friend. i only have male friends but they are very understanding. one even said that he was like me in his previous relationship, constantly checking who she was talking to, thinking every text she got was from an ex-bf... it's crazy, i never thought guys could feel like that too! (so don't feel like a freak, katie. it's ok =)

therapy is my favourite "cure" for everything (though it's not really a cure, it's more of an aid), and the wonderful folks above have given you excellent advice. i plan on doing some of that myself as well! finding stuff to do during the day so you won't be too preoccupied with what he's doing? that's a genius! should've thought of it myself. hahahah.

the worst you could do is read all that "catching a cheating partner" - i know all that stuff by heart and kidney and liver and man, it made me feel worse because i found all of the signs in him, but in a very .... minor way.

here's a quote from my favourite book, i capture the castle by dodie smith..

=)

best of luck to you katie!

(sorry for the long ramble - hope i didn't go off topic)

Katielee...I don't know. I read your post and all the wise replies here. I can say I've been in your shoes, wondering if it was all ME!??? Is he online with other females, receiving calls from females, and denying it or hiding it? Or do you think this is just your own fear and paranoia? If it is just you, then I agree with the others here, that maybe you need to do some self-work, or therapy.
In the end, all we can control is our own responses...not what the other people in our lives choose to do. Reading Habit 1 of THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE really helped me to deal with this. I am going to PM you.
Patty

well i know how tht can be i am a guy and been through the good and bad of relationships there is always that though of not being good enough so the guy wants something new im not like most guys and im sure ur a really amazing girl who probably has nothing to worry about easier said i know

I also have trust issues, but try to work through them w/my shrink&not always successfully. My ex-husband couldn't keep his **** in his pants so I understand the hurt&distrust once it's happened once. You always ask "Will it happen again?" My current bf broke my trust by giving me herpes after being in the relationship for 6 years. I'm still with him because I have no one else. I don't think he cheated on me, he just neglected to inform of his STD&made no attempts at protecting me. I know how crazymaking relationships can be, but just try to give it time&think about some therapy to get at the heart of your trust issues.

I've been married 34 years & been with my husband before that since we I was 15 & he was 16 (do you think it will last?) yet I am still harboring the same fears, insecurities as you are. I think I put so much of my self worth into his love & acceptance of me (almost like a father figure in my case since I didn't really have any parental love) that I am so much looking for cues: is he looking at other women, is he doing this, is he doing that, to the point that the triggers are getting closer & closer together & I feel like I need to live in a box except even my thoughts can trigger the anxiety.

He has been faithful to me (I know this in my heart) but somehow that is not enough. I need to know his THOUGHTS are always true (never glancing at another woman with desire or even appreciation--how realistic is that??); I want to control his BEHAVIOR (I don't want him to linger over a commercial or whatever that features a pretty girl (well, I'm pretty much lost there as that is all they feature nowadays); I want to control his OPINIONS (There is too much sex is movies that is not related to having a loving, committed relationship--I guess lust oriented which is the thing I most fear).

So through my DBT group I've had to learn that I CANNOT control his thoughts, behaviors or opinions & that I need to build up my self-respect & my opinions & thoughts & values are valid even if different from his (the dialectical part). I don't need to convince him to agree with me, but if our values are too different & cause me too much distress (like if he were looking at porn--sorry--I know people say it is OK, but not for me--) that is something that I realize would make me have to end the relationship as it causes me too much distress & disregards my values.

As far as real paranoia--an example of mine: I would be at a night meeting & call him during break & get voice mail & freak out. He's supposed to be home. Where is he? Immediately my mind had him in a bar picking up a woman as he knows my meeting (in this case out-patient treatment for bipolar disorder will last at least 4 hours) so I call again & again & get more agitated & convinced that he is “up to something.” So on the way home I am trying to use some of the tools I’m learning in the out-patient program (what a concept?) & thinking: OK, what EVIDENCE do I have that he is at a bar or with another woman—that the voice mail came on; has he ever done such behavior in the past? No; Am I normally over-reactive? YES; Should I wait for explanations before I jump to conclusions (usually negative & extreme conclusions)?

SO the final conclusion was that he was on the phone with one of our kids & then the voice mail automatically kicks in when the phone is busy… Meanwhile, I was ready to divorce him if I had not gone through some rational thinking.

But it you see definite “signs” as other posters said I don’t think that is paranoia. I think that is your intuition & intelligence. Don’t ignore it. I’m just saying what a true paranoid person can act/think like. Hoping to get better & seen some improvement through DBT.--Suzy

Honestly I would have prob run home to see him. But last softball season I did not so i am going to go out with the team, we always go out after the game. They are a great bunch of people so it makes it so much easier because i want to hang out with them. I am working on my own independence, i realize how important it is for me as well as in relationships. thank you for your post!!

I love your answer, all of it! I can see you feel the same way. I know one of my problems is i got myself addicted to looking up stories about people cheating, signs, etc so that makes me watch every move, which is bad! (oh and tiring for the matter) I am working on it and i have a guy friend who i can talk to about all that stuff which definately helps as well.

That was the sweetest answer!!! Thank you for making me smile

WOW. ok you seem to think the SAME way that I do although you seem to be getting some help and working on it. I am paranoid like that, for instance if he does not pick up the phone I think well. who is he talking to or who is he with. I am always way off but that is my paranoid thinking. its really bad and causes me a lot of undue stress. Its hard for me to change the way im thinking but i need to or i will reall drive myself insane. he has been nothing but great, he knows now of how paranoid i am, etc and he is doing his best to help me but i can tell its starting to get to him. Any suggestions on how to work on it? What is DBT and how did you find it??

Katie,

The thing I've learned the most about boyfriends, is if they're going to cheat or move on you can't control it... you might be able to prolong it, but you can't prevent it. I know in the past my ex's attacks or jealous rage, and accusations pushed me away. If he had just trusted the fact that I loved him, and wanted no one else it would never have come to that, but once I realized that his love for me wasn't that strong if he couldn't trust me, then I realized he wasn't the man for me, and i ended it. He still to this day try's to get me back, because he knows I was the only one devoted. I was with him for 5 years before anything started changing, and now look. He's alone and regreting his behavior... In a relationship you need 2 things... Honesty and Trust and without them, you have nothing... Hope this helps...

Katie: DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy & it was originally designed for people who where dxed with borderline personality disorder. I have the dx of bipolar 1 & all the other women (about 8 of us total) in the group are dxed as borderline, but I fit right in as I have the escalating emotions & huge problem of distressing thoughts overtaking me (jealousy, hurt, paranoia, etc.).

As far as finding DBT in your area I'll have to go get my manual out of the car & see if it has a web site as the therapist has to go through specialized training.

It is actually more of a class where you learn lots of skills, techniques, tools then have homework each week to do & then report back to the group as to how you did & discuss it & get feedback & brain storm on areas you are having difficulty with. It is helping me retrain my thinking that leads me to jump to neg. conclusions.--Suzy

www.behavioraltech.com

1-888-4-TARA APD will send you a brochure called "Guidelines for Choosing a DBT Therapist" plus has a bunch of info. about what DBT is, how to find a therapist in your area, etc.

Call the head of the nearest Univ. Dept. of Psychiatry or Psychology & ask for a referral to a DBT program in your community.

Call the commissioner of the State, County or City Office of Mental Health & ask for a referral to a DBT program.

www.tara4bpd.org

Hope these help! From one paranoid woman to another!!--Suzy

Thank you so much for caring and giving me all this information. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I have to say.....my boyfriend has been amazing and put up with it far more than any other. Last night was pretty bad. I think, im hoping it has to do with the fact i just went off one medicatin and am starting another, i have been an emotional sick mess and am saying things that I regret the second it comes out of my mouth. Last night was def the worst.

Switching meds is really tough. Also, I find when I am tired at night I have the "meltdowns"--almost like a little kid--just lose it & can't think as rationally or as calmly (though I'm no great shakes at that at anytime, but learning a lot in the DBT group) as during the day.

In the light of day, I'm often so remorseful of what I said the night before: rash things, irrational things, crying hysterically, threatening divorce--though I've now learned not to do that as finally he got fed up & said OK if I make you that unhappy & you want a divorce we'll get a divorce. I don't want a divorce. I just want to feel secure & I need constant reassurance. But what I really need is to figure out how to get that feeling of self-worth from within so I don't have to be so needy with him. I'm sure I could drive him away even after all this time if I don't fix this problem--plus it is a miserable way to live, isn't it?

It's good you're addressing the problem now. It only gets worse as you get older & let it progress. Take care. Have courage. You can get over this. So can I.--Suzy

I always lived myl life thinking as i got older i would become more mature and less irrational. boy was I wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went to the websites but could not find anything in my area, they are really interesting though. I did however possibly find a therapist on one of the links on this website, he is affordable and close so we will see. ahhh i just want to be fixed...just like everyone else does.

By the way once again the way you are with your husband, is the same way i can see myself being. we always have to learn the hard way though. i feel like last night may have been a turning point. probably not though.

hang in there you seem to be becoming stronger!!!!

I know what it's like to get paranoid katielee. I do so very often, yet rarely voice it as I do not want to push my wonderful lover away. I once was infuriated, feeling everyone had betrayed me, and was glad of it. I felt homicidal and yet, I was sobbing concurrently. These things happen, to varying degrees in everyone.

What I would suggest is to simply, think of other things, other positives that cancel out these negatives. For instance, how much you love your companion. How wonderful he is to you, things of that nature. If that doesn't work I would suggest you seek treatment of some kind for these thoughts. They are invasive and uninvited and most of all, unpleasant. Dispel them if you can, and if not, then attempt to do so with guidance from someone/others.

Hang in there, all is not lost.

Psychotic_Phil

I used to be so worried that my husband was going to cheat on me, I spent so much time worrying and investigated everything he said or did. You have to understand it has nothing to do with him but your own insecurities. If he's going to cheat, he's going to do it whether you worry or not I promise you that. The problem is people create what they fear the most. IF you continuosly assume he is doing something wrong, he'll think "What the heck I'm getting blamed for it, might as well do it". As hard as it is (I promise I know) Everytime a negative thought comes in mind, tell yourself to Shut Up! I know it sounds stupid but it works, eventually the thoughts will dissapear. Remember your wasting your energy worrying, IF he's going to cheat, the worrying won't stop him.

I keep reminding myself I cannot control my husband's or anyone else's THOUGHTS, BEHAVIORS OR EMOTIONS now matter how much I want to or have tried in the past. See, I not only don't want him to have an affair, I don't even want him to THINK about having an affair & while I'm at it, I don't want him to LOOK at a pretty woman with appreciation (my insecurties there) & I don't want him to THINK about looking at another woman--see how far back I can go?

How ridiculous it can get to? I can't control him. If he does something that hurts me, I'm just going to have to handle it & keep my self-respect & not let someone (anyone) treat me in a way that devalues me or is against my principles. So UNTIL that happens I'm going to live in the here & now (learning this from DBT)--not look at the past with shame, guilt & regret or the future with fear & anxiety, but hey, today looks like it's going to be a pretty damn good day & he doesn't appear to be driving off to meet another woman right now so I'll not fret about it!!--Suzy