middle age help needed

Hello all, thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts. I am a man in mid fifties married to a wonderful woman and have three great kids, but I feel mad/upset,rejected majority of the time. I am a professional guy, extremely successfull in most things (work, sports, etc), hard-driving, compulsive, perfectionistic, intelligent and somewhat narcissistic. She has master level training but is stay-at-home mom (donates tons of time to schools, charities, etc). She is honest, caring, smart, an outstanding mom, generous, funny, trustworthy, and pretty much loved and adored by anyone who knows her. She truly is, a gem. We have been married 20 years.
Except for when we were very first dating, she has never been demonstrative with her affection for me, in fact, I can count on one hand how often she has complimented me or acted like she was excited to see me. She acknowledges this, says she has always been non-demonstrative (her whole family is this way). Once we had kids, it seemed that sex was a chore to her. She was always willing but never seemed to really want it. She has gained a lot of weight and is mildy obese, and now snores so loud we have to sleep in separate beds. I am repulsed by her obesity, and take it as a personal rejection of her lack of desire to change it. She used to work out all the time and had a nice figure. In fact, in our many discussions prior to getting married I told her how important it was to me that we both stay active and healthy throughout our marriage, and she agreed wholeheartedly. I admired her drive. Now she spends tons of time on the computer or watching TV, and gets winded walking up the stairs. I have tried to talk with her many times about this, and need for us to get closer again, but she just resents me not accepting her "as she is" and doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I know there are things she doesn't like about me and I tried asking her to work on our relationship by jointly reading self-help books (like, "10 lessons to transform your marriage"),but unless I keep pushing it, she eventually drops out. Whenever we try to talk about it, she gets so upset she cries and then is ice for a week. She resents my controlling ways. One important character note- she has a very difficult time expressing anger outwardly.
For the past year I have regressed and made a vow with myself that I would never initiate sex with her again, never "court" her again as I felt so rejected by her. I stopped paying her compliments or flirting with her. (I realize this is childish, by the way, I am not very proud of this). We now have sex maybe once a month, initiated by her. It is quite mechanical. Sometimes I pretend that I can just take us back to when we were dating...I'll start showing her lots of affection, bring flowers, pay more attention. It seems to help for a while, but then I begin to notice that she is doing nothing in return and never seems genuinely glad to see me and I feel like an idiot, like she really doesn't want me. I then retreat back into my cold, angry, resentful self. I fantasize a lot about having an affair, just to have someone tell me some nice things and make me feel wanted. I would never do this because I love her and am committed to my wedding vows, but boy it is a powerful fantasy. The funny thing is, SHE is the one I really want but feel I don't have.
Wow...I wrote a lot...it has felt good to get this off my chest and I welcome ANY feedback (please don't pull any punches, I promise you I value pure, unedited feedback more than anything else).

Hello and welcome to PC. I am a 52 year old male, been married nearly 36 years. Yes, I married young. My wife is somewhat like your's in that she has a hard time showing affection or complimenting or touching. She says it is because she had none when she was young, all her family is quite cold. He parents died 20+ years ago. I too wondered if she loved me and fantasied about affairs, even had a couple emotional affairs that she found out about and she went ballistic. It was good to see some emotion from her and I told her that. Well, she got up off the couch and started exersizing, she was a little overweight, and walking and eating right. She quit the HGTV and ice cream everynight and started wanting to go out so I let her go out. She told me that she liked dancing and that she danced with some guys. This went on for a while, then I said "hey, why don't I go with you" so off we went, we had a great time and now we go out together and do things like walking, dancing, hiking and exersize. We even bought a tredmill and recumbant bike. She uses the fitness center at work every night before coming home, she has really changed and it is good.
I love her for what she is doing for herself and me. I wonder sometimes if she is planning on leaving me and I ask her if she is, she says no, but I wonder sometimes. I am ok with whatever happens because I want so much for her to be happy. I wouldn't want a divorce and she has admitted to thinking about it, but she says she is not going to. I want her to be happy more than anything and if leaving me does it then I will accept that. I have never been one to be jealous and I think that bothers her.
I tell her I wouldn't like to be with her if she is not happy and I have tried for over 35 years to make her happy and then one day like majic it happened. She is even working on becoming more affectionate and is much happier. I think it all happened from having that emotional tie to another woman that was very physically fit and active. I am not advocating that you do this either.

I don't know if this helps you but just know that you are not alone.

Good luck,

you said you would welcome any kind of feedback and i have a little. i am middle aged, married and so qualify. my thoughts go a bit different place.

do you know if your wife was ever sexually abused - even in a 'covert' way or overt way - even one time? i resemble your wife in that i have a hard time being close to my husband of 28 years and have a somewhat reluctant view toward sex (unfortunately i had a lot of sexual and other abuse which was very damaging to me, to the point that i suppressed it before marriage) i feel very bad about not being affectionate and more open and free in intimacy for his sake and somewhat for mine.

some things happen to us in childhood and affect us extremely. if you discover or know she had been hindered this way there is counseling and some selfhelp groups that can offer support and encouraging.

i wish i could point you to something more, but i really can't and i just wish you well and hope you can find ways to make your marriage something you both can be extremely happy to be a part of. as for me i do plan to continue getting help for my issues. i do not want to quit or divorce - i want us to have a lifelong relationship that can become better for us both. good luck to you!

leslie

hi and welcome to pc! i'm glad you found us. by the way, i qualify, too, so here goes...
have you and your wife ever considered some type of therapy for yourselves. usually a therapist will see you both separately and sometimes together to help you work through things. would your wife and you be willing to go? the right therapist could help you all get through these issues and at least for you , you may find validation and support for your desire to get this marriage back on track.
it sounds like to me that your wife may be depressed. doesn't have to have a reason for this..she may just be depressed. the ice cream, the tv watching,etc seem to me to be avoidance behaviors so she doesn't have to think about her problems/an escape if you wiil from the depression. and the ice cream may be giving her a good feeling just for that moment..then the weight goes on that just causes the depression. like a vicious cycle. now that's shes exercising that's good if she has been depressed. it puts out good chemicals in the mind for a sense of well being.
the fact that she avoids showing anger...there's an equation in therapy that goes like this, anger turned inward=depression.
another thing-some people have just been raised differently...like they are less prone to hugs, etc. my son's wife is like that and sometimes he expresses that he wishes she would do more hugs, etc. however she is a very caring person in other ways.
you sound like an all right kind of guy. i hope you and your wife can resolve these conflicts and keep the marriage intact.
good luck and keep us posted. we are a caring community.

If there's one thing that I've finally learned in life it is that you cannot change another person, only your reaction to them. Is it possible for you to see a therapist to deal with your issues and perhaps learn some other communication tools? Maybe once she sees how well you are doing she'll want to join you or go privately herself.

I would suggest if you enjoy giving her more attention, flowers etc. Do it, but not expecting anything in return, but because it is something you enjoy doing. Gifts with strings are not gifts at all.

How is she with the children? Is she affectionate with them?

Try a different approach, accept her and love her unconditionally the way she is now. Can you do that? I do understand that your needs aren't being met, that you are feeling very insecure and are perhaps lashing out at things that are easy targets. But as a woman, I've put myself in your wife's shoes. I would be very hurt and offended if my husband did these things to me. It would take a very long time to trust him again. Have you spoken to her and asked her what you could to to make her feel more secure in the relationship?

Some months ago my husband and I were having a discussion. He makes the same mistakes he's made from the beginning. I was expressing how frustrating this was for me. He made a comment the that took me off guard, he said "I don't love you in spite of your faults, I love you because of them." I have to say, the one thing that I've been sure of in our marriage is that he loves me unconditionally.

Here's my honest opinion.

You say things about the weight, eating and so forth, but I think it has more to do with the emotional issues than the weight. And I am totally guessing here but I think it was that for a long time. You could deal with it when she looked good and so forth, but now that she is physically unattractive to you there is, well, nothing there for you.

Guessing again here, because you sound like a nice guy, that if you dealt with the emotional side I would bet a million bucks that the physical would not bother you as much. Might still bother you, but you may be less inclined to use a word like "repulsed" in reference to her.

I am sorta middle aged and overweight (but divorced) and I am thrilled to be able to be fat and happy (I used to work out 6 days a week for years and was very athletic). I have no interest in a romantic relationship for many reasons but also because of some of the things you state. It simply is not worth it to me.

I don't know if I helped at all, but you sound like you love your wife very much and I truly wish both of you all the best.

As a former wife of someone like you-not meaning this in a mean way-I think a lot of the points that have been made are valid. I was very stressed out by my hub's sexual expectations(3x daily or more)&I ate to compensate for the lack of affection&caring. It was always about him&his wants/needs. Are your wife's needs being met? Have you asked her? I also was raised in a household where the only physical contact was when I was being beaten-youlearn not to trust anyone;s requests for affection because you never know what it may REALLY be. The sexual abuse issues area big one for women-we're socialized that we're sluts if we have sex&prudes if we don't-if you're a victim of sexual abuse, these societal expectations really mess with your head&may not manifest as a problem until you hit middle age. I'd agree that you should think of couples counseling-it will not be a blame game-it will help you see each other again. Also, take into account-do you look&act the same way you did as when you first met your wife? We all change with time & experience. Please know that I'm not trying to criticize you-my ex left me because I was "Too heavy", wouldn't have sex with him 3x a day anymore(I didn't want it from someone who didn't love me for me.)&he had several emotional affairs. Be careful, try to be gentle when talking to your wife-you don't really know where she's at right now&try the marital counseling&if she won't go-you go, you can learn a lot!

I am a middle-aged married woman. I believe that you truly need to accept your wife as she is. You say that you are repulsed by her obesity. I am sure she has picked up on this. I've found that when people stop doing the things that they once enjoyed it's either because they're depressed or because something caused them to be insecure about doing these things. Low self-esteem can be a vicious cycle, leading to unhealthy and self-destructive behaviors. You also say that "she resents your controlling ways". Can you try to stop controlling? Can you tell her that she is the love of your life and you only want her to be healthy and happy?
I am also a big fan of therapy, as a receiver myself.
Good luck.

It is extremely difficult to Love another if we don't Love ourselves...

Addictions/Obsessions and the physical results of them are part of the spiral of self loathing. This process is compulsive and leaves little room in the emotions for outward feelings...We become stuck in our own hells which are self perpetuating.

Like others have shared,,normally trama is the root of self destructive behaviors. Your wife's health is fragile by your description, thus denial has some control over the continued process..

Even our best intentions are often skewed when trying to identify and resolve the circumstances you describe. We are too close to the problem...

Others have shared the advice for outside help and I can't adequately express the priceless value of this counsel...

None of us are getting any younger and it would be tragic to add shame into the mix for not taking advantage of professional help to save what you describe is a wonderfull marriage between two special people...

Picture your life and marriage as a six foot hourglass with a fixed number of marbels in the top...In your mind watch the marbles fall and take a quick peek at what may be left at the top...

Waste few....I have peeked at mine...and make every effort to take my own advice...

The very best to you and yours...

Lenny

Hello, Asklepios, and welcome to PC!
What a great bunch of thoughtful responses you have received here. I recognize many of the conditions you've described, having experienced similar myself. I agree with others' reflections that your wife sounds depressed.
You say she is highly educated, and I'm wondering if she should consider an outlet outside the home for stimulation...perhaps volunteer work or a job, even part-time. Has she ever expressed interest in such a thing? I know for myself when I am off work, I tend to vegitate from lack of stimulation.
It also sounds as if you want this marriage to work, and that you truly love your wife. Speaking as a middle age woman, I can tell you that weight gain, and the physical battle to maintain the girlish figure, becomes harder and harder as we age. Perhaps she senses your expectations and perhaps even resents it somewhat, thus giving in even more to the changes in her body, rather than facing the hard work to stay fit. It does sound unhealthy for her though. The health issues alone, not even considering the aspect of being attractive, are a good reason to start a fitness program.
My advice here is not much help, I realize. I hope the advice of others is more helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Patty

Hi -- I lived your situation quite recently, and feel for you.

I agree with much of the above -- she is probably depressed; keep in mind that is hard some people to admit. It is also probably a spiral - the less exercise and more ice cream creates more depression.

I agree that if your emotional connection can be put back, the physical side will take care of itself. We each create our own love, but we have to create it everyday. You appear to still love her and want to help her and you can. Trying to help her will actually create that for you -- I know it sounds odd, but it does - especially if you do it unselfishly -- do it for her -- not you, or your marriage. She needs it. She will respond in kind -- maybe not immediately, but I bet she will. If she doesn't, what have you got to lose? You will have helped your wife and figured out that maybe you need to make radical changes to your relationship - you will be better off for it.

How to help her -- constructively. If she is overweight, she knows it and everything is mechanical b/c she feels ugly; she is probably picking up on the feelings you have about her too. Help her get healthier -- by doing stuff together. But realize -- she isn't ready to jog 10 miles right now. Think up ways to try to reconnect emotionally while hitting some exercise or better food choices. You say you used to exercise, etc - -- maybe recreate romantic walks you used to have earlier in your relationship. Maybe ask her to help you with something. Most people are willing to help -- "walk" through a problem on your mind, etc.

People change -- you have, she has -- try to find out about her like when you were first married - she might surprise you with some of the things you thought she knew. Similarly - and this is hardest but most important -- work on you -- look at you -- what do you need to fix? what are you not doing or what are you doing that is bad -- are you passing judgement without information? She will see the changes and you will reap benefits all the way around.

Good luck -- you are me in many ways -- I haven't reached the point I dreamed of yet, but I am not done yet and my path has been so worthwhile.

Lenny

WOW...what great sharing, advice, understanding. I have felt incredibly better since I posted here. First, because I feel guilty with how I have been acting and and it was good to get it off my chest. But way more than that, to have such accepting/helpful answers from you all has been very, very uplifting to me. I keep going back and reading and re-reading the posts.
It is funny in a paradoxical way, but by posting my plight, which is somewhat of a selfish act, I have much more energy to see what I need to do for her in an unselfish way. All I can say is thanks, thanks, thanks to you for reading my story and taking the time to give such thoughtful, sharing responses.
I am energized and feel hopeful...I am synthesizing my "action plan" and will share it with once I have made some progress.
Bless you all...

Good luck to you both!

I am not middle aged and I do not want to sound condescending or contrite, but are you guys still best friends and when was the last time you watched a really funny movie together? Just thought of it as my partner often takes me out of the pressure of the relationship( I to0 have issues with intimacy) by "diverting my attention" and then I find myself spilling my guts!

He is very crafty at getting me to talk and we talk like best friends. Glass of wine, waiting in the car for take away or when I am in the shower. It is harder for me to run away!

Don't Know if that helps.........Good luck and have a laugh if you can.