My mom has lied to me my whole life

This is sorta complicated, so bear with me. When I was a teenager and went to apply for my driver's license, I realized that the last name on my birth certificate was different than the last name on my social security card. Obviously, this was quite a surprise. My father died when I was 2 years old, so my mother explained this by saying that the hospital had mistakenly put her maiden name as my last name (when this happened she claimed this was the first time she's even realized that my last name on the birth cert was not correct...). I'm sure you've already noticed a contradiction: if she didn't know the name was different until that day, how did she know the hospital made a mistake? Anyhow, I digress...The license place said they had to use the name on my birth certificate, so at the age of 17 my last name suddenly changed. The license place suggested from then on I hyphenate my last name to show both names that way I wouldn't have issues with registering for college and all the billion other things you have to do with both your birth certificate, social security number and your driver's license as proof of identity. Anyhow, I just accepted what my mom said, or really, I just let it go. It has bothered me greatly, but since my father had died so long ago, it wasn't like I could get him to have my certificate changed.

Fast forward to today. I finally went to the social security office to get a new card with the corrected name because I need to put my name on my husband's checking and they wouldn't accept the two different names...anyhow. I give the lady my stuff and explain that I need to change the name to the name I've gone by since 17. She asks me what my father's name was and I tell her Joe Smith (or whatever) and she goes "OH". And of course I was like "what"? And she says, "well it shows here than in 1976 (when I was nearly 1 year old) that your last name was changed by your mother". Which this is clearly surprising to me since she claimed to have never realized the mistake until after my father died. So, I said, what name did it used to have and she told me that it was my mom's maiden name (I'll use Jones for the sake of little story and I'll use Smith as my dad's last name). So apparently when I was born my social security card was issued with my mom's maiden name (just as my birth certificate indicated), but in 1976 she went to the office and had it changed. She changed my last name on the card to Smith from Jones. At the same time, she also changed who was identified as my FATHER. Originally it was a totally different name (I'll say it was James A. Brown). So I ask the lady if I could have a copy of this information and she said she wasn't allowed to tell me (at this point she hadn't told me the original father's name). So I spent about an hour chit chatting and getting friendly with her in an attempt to get her to tell me what my REAL FATHER'S NAME WAS. When I got all done with changing my social security card I had to sign some forms and she passes me this piece of paper and says, "I cannot let you have this, but if you wrote down the name there's nothing I can do about it." So I see that my real father's name is James A. Brown.

I proceed to walk outside, sit in my car and cry hysterically. I've gone my entire life without a father. The man I thought was my father died in a motor cycle wreck when I was only 2 years old. At several points in my life I have attempted to question my mom about the person I thought was my father but she has never really told me much of anything about him. Then about 3 years ago I happened to find that my mother and my supposed father weren't married until about a year after I was born. When I found this out, I asked my mom how this was (she had always told me she was married before I was born) and she SWEARS that she cannot remember and she's certain she was married before I was born and she has NO IDEA how they could be showing a different marriage date. So, I guess I've always wondered.

Anyway, I called her this afternoon to confront her with all of this stuff and she initially acted like I was telling her I had 2 heads and kept swearing she had no clue what I was talking about and said she never hear of James A. Brown and the SS office must have made a mistake. I pointed out all of the things I have outlined above and she started sounding really hysterical and kept repeating that "Joe Smith is your father" "Joe Smith is your father"...over and over. Again I tried to ask how this other name is recorded as my father and she says "That name should have never been on there!" So voila! She has revealed she DOES know James A. Brown and I ask who he is and she says its none of my damn business. Of course, I tell her it is my business and it ends up with her screaming at me and hanging up the phone.

So here I sit. 33 years old and find out today that the person I believed to be my father is in all probability not my father and that my actual father is alive somewhere. I've lived my entire life without a father and she refuses to tell me anything. What would you do? She is not going to give me more information, but I do know that a few other people may know (my ex-step dad for one). I need to know the truth. How should I go about this? Do you think there is anyway to compel her to tell me?

I'm seriously on the verge of a nervous break-down. Aside from my brother dying, this is the worse pull the carpet out from under my feet situation that has ever happened to me. I don't know how to function. I don't know what to do.

You might be able to get the information you need from Latter Day Saints Family History Library. I doubt if you will get the information from your mother.

Wow! That truly must feel like not only the rug has been pulled from underneath you, the very Earth!!!!

I would hold fast to the truths that ARE still truths in your life- it sounds like you have a family of your OWN at least a husband of your own- is he a comfort in the midst of all this?

You are still YOU and a very special You at that.

Others can have ideas on how to get the info you need...but I wanted to extend EMOTIONAL support to you

We are only as sick as our secrets...

I am sorry perpetuallysad...that is hard....I had a similar situation in my life..right befor my Mom passed away she shared that I had a sister I never knew I had...She had an affair and gave the baby up to keep me...we all lived under the threat(darkness) of this secret....

I would wait a few days...and then ask her again,,explaining the need for you to know your genetic history..to be aware of any and all health issues you might face in your or your childrens life...It is you right to know...

It would be hard for her to keep this secret buried when facing issues relative to your or her grandchildrens future...

Again,,,I'm sorry...but this is not a problem without a solution...but one you might have to work for..

With Care,

Lenny

Thanks everyone for responding to me. Coincidentally and quite luckily, I had an appointment already scheduled with my psychiatrist for today, so it was helpful to go and be able to talk with him about all of this. That's not to say I'm all better or anything, but at least I am able to accept him as an authority and it helps me to allow myself to be angry at my mom. My mother has continuously done extremely damaging and painful things to me and my siblings my entire life and I still cling anxiously for approval I will never get from her. I guess if nothing else, I have finally gained the incentive to cut her out, like I have needed to do for a very, very long time.

To give an idea of how she is and how she reacted to me finding this information, I'll paste the email she sent me this morning.

This is the email verbatim with the exception of my family members' names. And no, I wasn't in front of my son when I called her and I wasn't screaming at her.

Anyhow, I guess, geeze, I really have no idea what to think or feel or do.

First of all, sad to hear about the loss of your brother. I have a brother, I love him so much.

Could there be some serious reason why your mom isn't telling you the name of your real father? Maybe he is not a good person, maybe he had done harm to your mom? How old was your mom when she had you? Young pregnant mothers are probably already quite scared about their whole situation. Maybe you mom's case was even worse since there wasn't a "stable" husband by her side for the much needed support. Maybe she REALLY does not remember, especially when that time of her life was so tough.

At this point and for the next hours nothing is going to change by not knowing your dad's name. If I were you I would try to calm down and see your mom's viewpoint. Of course what she did (keeping you in the dark) was not fair to you but I'm sure she had to do it to protect you.

For now calm down. Step by step you will get to the bottom of this. Good luck!

Hey,

I don't know where your from, but I am in Canada. We have the ability to get a long form birth cert. it tells you your parents full names at your birth (both) and thier birth dates. This also will tell where your parents were born. This would get you a start to finding your father. I hope you have something like this here you are.

swwalsh2003

Cutting her out just may be a good idea- I recently cut out my supposed 'best' friend and it felt freeing it felt very good.

As far as what to think or feel, I say YOU are still YOU, despite who you were parented by, biologically.

I believe my true father is my heavenly father.

Is your husband a comfort to you in the midst of all this?

My husband is wonderful. And I am extremely lucky for that.

The major part of my pain is that this isn't even close to the first time she has lied, but this is, perhaps, the biggest lie. She's a very hurtful person and the email I pasted is a very good sampling of how she talked to and treated me for much of my life. Constant threats, constant guilt and constant reversal of the truth. Unfortunately, I have always sought approval from her which I will never receive. Its something I work on constantly with my pdoc, but cannot yet seem to accept.

And my mom wasn't young when she had me, or at least not overly young. She was almost 21 years old. And while there surely are some circumstances around this that she doesn't want to share, for whatever reason, I believe it is my right to know. She has never held back from telling me other "bad" things, so its a matter of her trying to control me as usual by not telling me about this now. Honestly, the betrayal of having a father (good or bad) ALIVE my whole life, yet never knowing is something that I can't even begin to cope with. My emotional stability on a super good day is tenuous at best. Right now its like my brain is barely functioning. All day I just blared the radio and cleaned (something I do when I am frantic). It keeps my brain drowned out so that my thoughts don't consume me.

Thank you all for listening to me. It means a lot. I've been a member of this forum for years, but mostly just read. Thank you very much for being here for me.

I am so sorry for the shock an pain that you're going through. Your mother, whatever her reasons, might have handled this better. Then again, maybe she handled it the best way she could.

I have a cousin that is 8 years older than I am. When he was filling out papers for college he too discovered that his mother's maiden name was on his birth certificate. Knowing his father, the man that raised him, he knew that something was wrong. There's no way my uncle would have been that irresponsible, let his mother give birth unmarried in the 50's.

So he decided to come up and talk to my father since my father discovered at 15, after the death of his mother, that the man that had been listed on his birth certificate was not actually his father. In my own father's case, my grandmother did not have a choice, she was legally married to her Mr. Brown even though they had been seperated for 3 years and living on two different sides of the country when my father was born.

So anyway, my cousin comes up, terribly upset looking for answers. Which my father provided for him, with the exception of the man's name. He said my cousin would have to ask his mother that question himself. It turns out that my cousin's biological father was not honest with my Aunt, and there was a whole drama surrounding this. Before my cousin left that night my father told him "your father is the man that raised you. X has loved you and treated you exactly the same as your brother since you were a baby." My cousin was mature enough to realize that his mother gave him a gift of a loving father. To this day his mother does not know that he knows about the circumstances of his birth.

So here's the thing, if you have to know ask her siblings, relatives, or her friends from that time etc. But what if you're wrong, what if she did the right thing by burying something in the past? What if it turns out that she was raped or whatever? But before you open up Pandora's box, be prepared to deal with the consequences. And in my opinion, you don't have a right to know. She should not have to relive something she so obviously wants to forget just to satisfy your curiosity.

And there is a possibility, however remote, that she's telling the truth. My daughter was listed at birth as an African-American male in her military medical records. We're so white we glow in the dark, and she is obviously not now, nor ever been a male. It was quite a bit of red-tape to clear that up as she was born over-seas.

I don't know AAAA,,this may be more than curiosity...

Don't we all have a right to know our genetics,,where our genes came from,,if we carry a dangerous recessive gene that could be passed forward with unknown results...?

I know that there are cicumstances that may be extremely uncomfortable and cases where the information is simply not available. But if it is available then it is a parents responsibility to offer it to her/his children. Secrets have a way of threading themselves through generations. Once exposed their power to hurt diminishes...

But, of course, this is only what I would do and have done...

Lenny

Thank you AAAAA, I appreciate your response. And I can appreciate where you are coming from. I did think of all the things you've mentioned. I am a reasonable person and I don't tend to just do things out of hand. I'm very logical and extremely methodical. I didn't call my mom with accusations or anger. I called and attempted to talk to her about this because it is important to me. Its not a situation where my mother has never lied to me. She has lied and lied and lied. And she'll lie when the truth is irrefutable. She'll swear the sky is tie dyed when its clearly blue. Believe me. I've given her so many chances its really pathetic on my part. It makes my pdoc furious because I am not able to untangle myself from my mother that easily. So, regardless of whether my dad is my dad, my mom is hiding something. She doesn't have to tell me, sure, you are right. But there are ways she could have done this to not be so mean and so angry. Say the dude isn't my dad who's listed on the ss records, but his name is there and my mother knows who he is. So its very hard to assume, considering the mountain of lies my mother has told me (and everyone), that this is an impossibility. And, considering all the things she has told me, things you should never tell a kid, I find it hard to believe that this may be an instance of violence or something that is too painful for her to talk about. When I was very young she would tell me about being raped and being abused and many very graphic and horrific things. That sort of thing is like a badge of honor to her. She uses things like that for pity and sympathy. And quite frankly she has out and out lied about abuse and violence to garner sympathy and things. So, no, I don't think this is a case of someone raping her. Of course, this is all complicated and its really impossible to explain it fully. My point is that I do love my mother, even though she is awful. She has hurt me mentally and physically for my entire life, yet I have always tried sooooo hard to make her love me. So no, I'm not just being mean to my mom here.

And I have to say that a person most definitely deserves to know who their parents are. That is my right. I'm sorry if you disagree, but I cannot imagine how you could convince me otherwise. And its not as if I had two great parents or even one great parent. I never knew my dad. So I am not turning my back on a man that raised me because one day i find out someone else is my biological father. I've never had a dad. I think its natural to want to know. A childhood void of love and full of pain creates a person that longs for love. So I am not just being mean or angry here. I want to know. And I am prepared for whatever the consequences may be. There's not much more than can be taken away from me, so I don't know how this could be more painful than the stuff I've already been through.

Fair enough, it sounds like you've thought it through. You mentioned that you have a son. If his father were some sort of monster, whether he was an abuser or just a regular run of the mill *** that would have nothing to do with the child, would you tell him would you allow him to experience that grief just in the name of full disclosure?

I guess that we have a different definition of parents. To me, just being able to perform the sexual act and be fertile does not qualify you to be a parent. The terms: parent, father, and mother need to be earned.

I do hope that you find the answers you seek and they give you some sort of peace. Good luck on your quest.

Thank you very much for understanding. I really appreciate that.
I also appreciate how level headed people seem to be here. Its very refreshing to be able to talk something through in such a civilized manner. Again, thank you very much.

I'm kinda on the other side of the fence. In 1994, I had to leave England, and my wife and kids (daughter 2, son 9 months) and go to back to the states. My then wife gave every reason under the sun why she didn't want to come to the states...and eventually divorced me. All of this wasn't the best time of my life, I assure you.

I found the love of my life at my next station and we married. Had a daughter (and now a son). In 1999, on my Honeymoon, my wife was oh so very kind. My mother gave us a trip to England for it, and my new wife let me not only go see my kids, but came with me (which meant she had to meet the X and all). In 2000 I told my X that my wife and I were planning on coming back to England. For some reason my X went off, told me I wasn't the father of my children and to never contact her or them again. They had a "father", he loved them and treated them well. This totally came out of the blue as my X and I had been in contact, I was paying my child support, calling the kids once a month if not more and sending Christmas and birthday presents every year...as much as I could do being 5000 miles away. I didn't divorce my wife, I don't to this day understand why she divorced me, but that's all in the past. I did all I could do, I was in the military, I couldn't just pack up and be there for my children all the time, and it kills me to this day that I couldn't be. Now, I am here, back in the UK, and have written to my X, with no expectations, and as I thought, nothing came back my way. She even changed my daughter's last name ilegally...and I imagine my son's as well. All this hurts. I was so upset and obssesed with this that for months I was unable to sleep, angry, hurt, whatever.

I love my children, I want them to know me, I feel...in my heart...that I did nothing wrong and don't deserve to be treated like I have. But, I do know my children are happy. I don't know what my X has been saying about me, but apparently it's all bad. My daughter is happy with the name change. As long as they are happy I am happy...but if they ever want to come see me, I would never ever reject them, niether would my wife.

Why am I saying this, becuase you don't know who your real father is, you don't know anything about the situation, you don't know if he loves you but can't contact you, on the flip side you don't know (what others have said) if he was a scum, or even a rapist. But I think it's your right to know either way, he is your father, biologically, and just maybe he's out there missing you. I know how it feels to be the maligned X husband/father, to be treated like crap by the X, and miss and love my children very much. You never know until you know, right? I believe we all have the right to know who are parents are, even if you have a "father" or "mother"...I had a step mom whom I love a lot, but she wasn't my mom, I love my mother too. Just some thoughts I thought I'd put out there.

GL with everything, and God Bless!

My ex and the father of my eldest children is scum he is a (I could go on for ages I wont bother) however I believe they have the right to choose for themselves, I keep them away from him while they are children as he is a bad influence and upsets them.

However I never run him down to them and really never talk about him unless they mention him ! And my replys are nice about him, as I dont want to play with their heads.

I believe they will seek him out when they are older and will work out what a piece of **** he is ! But its THEIR choice they have to work it out.

Your mother I feel should tell you everything now as if you are old enough to ask the questions then you are old enough for the answers.

Is there another relative you can talk to about this ?

I was very close to my best friend's mother when I was in high school. When I had the misfortune of becoming pregnant after a sexual assault she shared part of her story with me. She had been raped when she was 15 and given birth to a son and gave him up for adoption. She didn't want to, but she was underaged and her parents made her.

Fifteen years after she shared this story with me my husband and I moved to where we are now, about 350 miles from our home town. I started working at the largest company in the area and met a man. We started talking as you do when you meet someone, he wasn't from this area either. He eventually asked where I was from and I told him a tiny town in the neighboring state that he's never heard of, when I told the name he said "my mother lives there!!!"

Now this is a small town, population less than 300 and 200 of them are my relatives either through birth or marriage. I assumed that his mom was one of the new people that had moved in after I left. Turns out his mother is my best friend's mom. I knew instantly who he was. He asked me if I knew the circumstances surrounding his birth and I really thought I did so I said yes. I didn't know the WHOLE story though, it turns out that the man that raped his mother was her own brother.

After his parents died he found his birth mother he of course asked her who his father was. She wouldn't tell him for a long time. He has a rare medical condition called Tangeires (sp) that had plagued him his whole life so he wanted answers. Eventually she did tell him. When he learned the truth it broke him mentally. It damaged their relationship so much that he had little to do with her either after that point.

By the time he met me, this had all taken place. I was extremely upset to learn such an intimate detail about someone that I'd loved, even though we'd lost touch over the years. He felt comfortable talking to me about these things, and eventually I stuck my nose where it didn't belong. I asked him why he was punishing his birth mother for something beyond her control. He said he just couldn't deal with the "truth", while he knew he'd pestered her to find these answers he wished she'd just told him that she didn't know who raped her. He looked at her family in a different way now.

As for genetics, we rarely know when we carry some rare recessive gene until something happens.

This is a difficult situation, things were different in the past than they are now. There is a possibility that the man that fathered her had no choice about being removed from her life. Men didn't have the rights then that they have now.

True.

That something may happen in our birth parents or their parents. Knowing that,,gives the children and grandchildren an advantage.

Emotional issues are difficult and often very damaging. Physical challenges too cause suffering and death. I believe that information is power and the more I know about the world and where I came from,,the better prepared I am for being of service to anyone.

IMHO.

Lenny

According to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, a child has a "right to association with both biological parents".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Children%27s_rights

It is unfair of your mother to keep this information from you, but you have little recourse against her unwillingness to tell you the truth. Try asking your mother's doctor - the information is not specifically about her, and has more to do with you. Try asking other family members who were around at the time of your birth. Have you tried looking in the phone book or on the internet for his name?

Sometimes it is better to cut off a poisonous family member, even though it hurts. If in the end the person causes you more harm than good, and obviously she has caused you harm, it is better to be without them.

I wish you luck in your search.

I found your post because I've experienced a similar situation. It is so awful to have the rug pulled out from under you. My mother is also a big liar and I don't agree with the above post that suggests she has a right to keep this secret from you, REGARDLESS of what it is. You have every right to know the circumstances surrounding your conception and birth, it's part of your identity! It's not just curiosity. We have to know where we are from to know where we are going.

Hello taxona and welcome to PC.

You will not move forward looking over your shoulder to see where you have been. Learn from your mistakes and move on. What has been done cannot be changed.

Thirty years ago I agreed that a child have a “right” to know everything. Life and being a parent has taught me that there are many shades of gray. There is no black and white.

I’m an excellent mother, I love my kids with all of my heart and soul. I have done everything within my power to ensure that they grew up to be happy, healthy, and productive members of society. And I have been blessed with truly amazing children. We are talkers, we talk about anything and everything. That does NOT extend to specifics about our sex lives. I would never share specific details with them about mine, nor do I want to know the details of theirs.

Children take things upon themselves naturally that they should not. Divorce, financial trouble etc; adult things that really have nothing to do with them. Think for a moment the guilt associated with being told you are a product of rape, incest or just a really bad decision. Not many adults have the ability to deal with these things in a healthy way, how on earth do expect a child to?

I am truly sorry for all of the negative things that have happened to you in your life. I hope you are able to find peace. Dwelling on past mistakes made by yourself or your mother will eat you up and make you miserable. But in the end, the decision is and has always been yours. I hope you make the best possible decision for you.

I didn't say that children have a right to know everything. But I do believe that children have a right to know the circumstances surrounding their conception and birth. It's part of their identity. Of course if this information is sensitive it should be delivered in a well-thought out way and at the appropriate age, but keeping secrets about a child's existence creates a culture of shame which is very detrimental to the child's self-esteem. Better to deal with the issues, in consultation with professionals if necessary, and have the child love him or herself instead of feeling that they should not have existed.

Dearheart, I would NOT fall for her threats. It should be easy to find this man who is supposed to be your father. First, you could look up in the white pages of the phone book (online) if you know WHERE he is living. If you don't know where he is, then that might be a little difficult. But I would certainly continue to search because you DESERVE to know who your real father is, regardless of what your mother says!

She has NO RIGHT to threaten you like that. Besides, how would she know if you found him or not, unless you TOLD her? So go ahead - and I hope and pray you two have a wonderful reunion! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Your story would be like something i would write about my son and his mother.Hello out. Back in 1979 i was called up and she told me she was in the hosp having a child,and that it was mine.I said we had a lot to talk about and she said no,I am giving it up for adoption,told her no I would take it and again told me no,ending the call.Me not knowing the law or my rights i left down.many yrs passed.me always thing of the child back in Lubbock Tx.what have i done.thinking about it alot i started searching for them,and i always hit a dead end,couldn.t find them.many more yrs went by.my sister in Lubbock called me to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.got me to looking again.this time i was told she had changed her name and was married.but was living in shallowater Tx.and was working with my older brother.which gave me her # .I called her up asking about the child she had back in 1979.and all she told me why i needed to know that after all those yrs.i told her because i looked for them a long time and couldn't find you,and now i have and would like to know.then she said what made me think the child was mine.o my you called me back in 1979 and told me,then she ending the call,now i am looking all over the net still looking for anything that will help me find my son.again he was born in Lubbock Tx in 1979 might of been given up for adoption,or she kept him and didnt tell me,married and gave the child his name.I would love to find him and see him,not trying to change anything i want to know the truth and want him to know to. thanks for reading thiss.

dear perpetuallysad,

That is hard, very hard. I am glad to see others with similar problems. I am 44 yrs old and just found out both my parent knew my father was not my father and kept it from me until I did a DNA ancestry test and it said I was 1/2 Jewish.

That was the first time a started questioning my family as there was no Jewish identity in my family. I asked my mother and even then she continued to lie saying maybe there was some Jewish history in our family and on and on but she never admitted anything when I asked questions.

Fast forward 3 months. I am visiting my stepmother to give her and my brother the news face to face and she says she has known about this for many years! I freak out and call my dad's (not bio dad of course) best friend from time of my birth and ask him and he confirms its true.

I have been living in a movie or Jerry Springer show for the last week with this crap and I just dont know what to do. My mother will not help even since I threatened her to never see her grandkids until she give me a name. She says it was 44 years ago and cant remember. I think she is lying.

Sorry to rant...