Ways to make transference more bearable

I see so many people here feeling pain and even tortured because of transference they are experiencing with their T. All too recognizable (I have experienced the most painful transference with (much older) men in an authoritarian position in romantic relationships that crossed allowed professional boundaries, that repeated a certain mentally abusive pattern from my youth). That being said: I know I'm sensitive for (mostly abusive) situations of transference.

I was thinking we could perhaps start a thread in which we can:
1) list things/situations that can trigger and intensify your transference, so that you can see it as a warning sign to try to somehow distance yourself from those situations a bit.
2) list things you can do to make the transference a bit more bearable and perhaps lessen it a bit. For some of us a way to deal with transference may be working through it with a very good T, of course (make sure it is a very good T that knows what he/she is doing!)

I myself would consider it very helpful if others would continue the list. What might help for me perhaps doesn't help you so please take whatever you can use from this list and dismiss the rest. The last thing I would want is to make anyone feel worse with suggestions in this list of course!

My personal transference triggers – situations to avoid:
1) Feeling rejected, abandoned, worthless: often after specific interaction with family.
2) Thinking over stressful events of my past
3) Unexpected painful events in my daily life/interaction with random persons that may trigger feelings of being isolated, rejected and abandoned.
4). Reading stories/Facebook posts from people that are extremely beautiful or accomplished, which triggers feelings of being worthless.
5). Little sleep
6) Contacting your subject of transference (per email/telephone/text): major transference trigger for me as he/she is likely not to respond as you would have wished, plus you are again thinking about him/her.
7) Thinking too much about him/her. For me it is helpful to stop the too romantic fantasies, they are not realistic and will only intensify the transference.

Things you can undertake to make transference more bearable/distract your attention:
1) Making sure to have things on your hands/to do. Sitting behind a computer and doing nothing, thinking over painful events can certainly make me long for a hug from him. Distract yourself!
2) Interacting with friends/acquintances, if even online if that is the only option. You can go to a forum or anywhere else to chat. As long as it is a positive environment.
3) Taking a walk in the fresh air – difficult to force yourself to do this if you're feeling depressed, but it does help imo.
4) Exercising: release those endorphins! Even science shows us this should help with depression/feeling horrible. Plus your self image may improve. Difficult to make yourself do this though when you're feeling depressed.
5) Listen to uplifting/upbeat/happy music (make a music list): avoid sad music that makes your thoughts drift off too much.
6) Find a passion/hobby you really like a lot and try to really engage in it. You can discuss it with others (online), educate yourself more about it, etc.
7) Do anything that makes yourself feel better about yourself. Perhaps you can start an (online) course, or set up a website/blog, or even a small company. If you can set up something wherein you can really express yourself, you will cherish it and it will make you feel better about yourself.
8) Travel - assuming you are in a good enough mental place to do so. It doesn't have to be far or expensive: you can go to a place that is a trainride away. A new environment, new people etc (if you're not socially anxious) can really open your mind and bring you a new perspective.
9) Unless you don't like dancing at all dancing (even a few minutes inside your home) can often make people think about something else for a moment. I even saw some studies that confirmed this.
10) This is a very personal one and perhaps not good for everyone – I would not want to suggest you would need to improve yourself in any way of course. But in my case if I experience transference I often feel not intelligent/accomplished or pretty enough. One thing that helps for me to take more distance is to set myself a goal, such as: “I want to have learned X” or “I want to have a trained body”. I won't deny my secondary thoughts are that if I accomplished my goal the subject of my transference will see me/care for me/treat me differently, which is not constructive obviously, but at least it will make me stop wanting to contact him. Since I first want to 'better myself' before I would do so. In those few months that I work towards those goals, I think less about him, and ultimately after a few months in which I worked towards those goals I notice the transference/feeling of attachment is far less. See it as the following: often it is advised when you get out of a painful relationship and would want to 'win the affection' back of your ex-partner to 'behave independently' to make your ex-partner know what he misses. The goal is to focus on yourself but for many the secondary goal is to attract the ex-partner again. But during that period in which you focus on yourself, often the feeling of wanting your ex-partner back is becoming far less prominent, or even disappears.
11) Try to see your subject of transference for what he/she really is - as well as yourself and the relationship you have with him/her. This may not help for you (since I for example tend to be triggered by abusive behavior so it still will not steer me away), but it may help. For example: if I feel worthless and too ugly in a situation of transference I can look at a picture of the subject of my transference and try to put things back in a more realistic perspective. I can see the subject of my transference is decades older, and subjectively not that physically attractive as my strong feelings of attraction would suggest. That I'm not too worthless or ugly, and that I should not feel that way in other words. Or I can try to realize his behavior is so abusive that any relationship is never going to have a happy ending. That it will only cause me grief and possibly eat away years of my life in which I would feel very depressed. It doesn't help me to think things over too much, but to put things back in a realistic perspective does tend to help.
12) Break off contact with people that make you feel miserable/have a negative influence in your life, or distance yourself from them as much as you can. Painful interactions with them will likely intensify your transference.
13) Catch some sunrays! Those endorphins are released again!
14) Try to laugh for example by watching a funny video/program on Youtube. Laughing releases endorphins too.
15) Dress yourself in a way you like, try to take a shower, do your hair, etc Try to take care of yourself in other words, even if you are feeling miserable, as it will make yourself feel better about yourself.
16) Watch a 'feel good movie' to put your mind on other things and to lift up your mood. I personally like Amélie and Chocolat for that.
17) Hug a pet, and play with your pet. It can release oxytocine which is a hormone that will make you feel happier, as well as endorphins.
18) I know this can be such a letdown to say if you're feeling miserable and in pain experiencing transference, but still it can help me so I will mention it. I tend to think for example about other people in a horrible position (I recently saw a documentary about Albino children in Africa for example that took my breath away) and it will help me to put things back in perspective, if even for a moment.

Etc etc

Dear fish...(I don't intend to offend by shortening your name),

Erotic transference and countertransference are somewhat different than the garden variety of transference. From what I've read lately, written by reputable researchers, erotic transference is based in the early psychosexual stages of development; if we didn't get through a stage successfully, often those feelings get transferred to the T or another important figure. Example: If I didn't get through the phallic stage of development by feeling my father wasn't available to give me the loving attention I needed, I will carry that need w/me through life, looking for someone who can satisfy the need. Freud was the first to write about this - related to the Oedipus complex (boys) and Electra complex (girls). Recently, a number of researchers are taking issue with the Oedipus complex (Klein, for one). This is NOT another parent-bashing phenomena - due to my father's profession, there was little he could do to give me all I needed, though heaven knows, he tried. The four stages of development are: oral, ****, phallic, and genital. (There is a latency stage in which the child is not, in some way, working in a psychosexual way)

My specific problem with what you suggested is this: In the list of things we should try to avoid, such as feeling rejected, abandoned, etc. by others in our day to day interactions, all of those feelings are part and parcel of my what I'm struggling with in therapy. I can't always tell when someone is rejecting me and I was abandoned by two mothers and a love interest. Only recently, after two years of therapy, have I been able to get through a week w/out seeking assurance from my T that I've not been abandoned. This is a long, painful struggle that most will understand who have abandonment issues. Sometimes, what we might need to avoid are the things we need to work on, outside of therapy and in therapy.

My T is one who understands erotic transference, maintains boundaries, is not afraid of my feelings, and is helping me "get to the feelings that caused the feelings" of my erotic transference. Much of a clients' success in getting through these feelings are dependent on the T and their experience.

I think you have good ideas, but what clients need to do or avoid may differ w/each person. My T knows I'm still in the skeptical phase that these painful longings will get resolved. It may take a long time, but I'm not going to run for the hills, primarily bc I've done a lot of research on the subject and know that it's possible to get past this, w/greater closeness to my T and better understanding of my problems being the prizes. Knowing if one has a T who can get you through it, though, is critical.

I empathize w/everyone who is hurting right now. I'm right there in the fray, too.

I think it could be helpful to share what we have figured out about our respective experiences and how it's worked to resolve these feelings or to get to a stage where they are no longer painful. I am interested in all theories and ideas about erotic transference, but am personally a firm believer that the source is not the same (i.e. what those old psychoanalytic theories generalize) for everyone. I believe it can be highly individual and the best is to figure out what triggers and alleviates it for each of us.

I have not experienced very intense, consuming ET in therapy, but most likely only because by the time I started therapy, I was 40 years old and had been through a lot of experiences and investigations in that area. I experienced many intense rounds of it when younger, mostly with mentor type people. What I have learned: for me this transference was a form of identity search and desire to evolve and to merge with my own personal values. I habitually developed ET to people that I perceived similar to myself, but a more experience, evolved, wiser, more mature, more successful version. People who seemed to embody what I was also recognizing in myself but not satisfied with how it manifested in my life and contributions. Of course often it was not much more than my imagination and projections and the people were not really as mature and evolved as I wanted to see them. It wasn't about longing for care and nurture in my case, more this desire to be aligned with my internal values and aspirations. So the best way to alleviate / resolve it, for me, is to work on myself and do try to develop myself, to get closer to who and what I want to be. It is basically a self actualizing desire for me, and if I work toward that in my own life, I don't long for it in others and via relationships, even though I usually recognize similar inspirations in others and feel drawn to it. I really think it is this simple for me.

Uglyducky thank you for the well-informed response. You underline a very important aspect of (erotic) transference, actually, and that is that how one experiences and tries to deal with transference (potentially working through it with a T) differs a lot from person to person.

I brought up briefly in my post that what might work for me may not work for someone else and to please dismiss any of my suggestions that may not be helpful to anyone else and share your own experience and suggestions. However, you are completely right that my post may appear to be in contrast with what would be a structural part of 'working through transference' with a T: just giving in to those feelings of abandonment, rejection etc. and working through them instead of trying to alleviate the pain of them by using 'avoidance strategies'. The latter was not the intention of my post, however I certainly understand it may have appeared to be that way.

I've made only a few posts on the forum, in which I guess I more or less clarified my viewpoint. And my viewpoint with regard to working through (erotic) transference with T may be a bit less optimistic in general. I certainly don't mean to imply it can't be done. I just feel that lots of T's appear to have little experience with the phenomenon, or are unwilling to work with ET, or they even worsen it by first letting the patient attach to them and then (out of fear) taking distance causing more feelings of anxiety and rejection, or even abandoning patients. The plethora of anecdotal posts from patients struggling with transference among others illustrates this to me. Some patients have tried to 'work through' transference for many years, spending a lot of their time, life, finances, attention, to therapy and their T and arguably noticing little to no improvement. They describe the transference as immensely painful, among others, and describe not being able to focus anymore on other areas of their life that would also need to be worked on in therapy. Or even getting into financial trouble since they don't want to leave their T – meanwhile seeing little improvement when it comes to these intense feelings. Imagine going through that for (many) years. It would be like going through those first very intense moments of infatuation that you can experience when you are heavily in love, over and over and over again: for years. But then magnified, since there is no reciprocation in feelings, there is a power imbalance, and in addition the T shares little to no personal information so illusion and fantasy are taking a grip on the patient. And that for years. This can be destructive to some of us, even when working with 'a good T'.
I read a study about patients that were working through transference with their T and, according to the text as a result of (not clearcut/vague) minor “mistakes” in therapy (that imho any therapist could make) the patients felt rejected and undertook suicide attempts. Of course I could not speak for anyone else, but I would without a doubt be one of those persons that can become fatalistic with the hint of being rejected if I experience strong transference.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that although I am happy to read that some persons (such as you) can succesfully work through transference with a T, that is not a given. I do believe it is fantastic that you are succesfully doing this, I believe these are very important experiences for all of us to know about, and I do hope they are more common than they appear to be to me.

However, I believe there are few T's that can help a patient work through transference succesfully. It is also not a given to be able to find such a T to work with. I also believe that even if you are lucky enough to have found a good T that can help you to work through transference it can be a process that can take many years, and that can make it impossible for the patient to properly focus on their lives meanwhile. (After all if the patient experiences strong transference they may direct all their attention to their T., meanwhile constantly dealing with feelings of fear, pain, abandonment, anxiety, isolation, feelings of being worthless, mental and even physical pain). Of course, not everyone experiences transference to the same extent with their T but this is what strong transference can do and for some of us for many years (I've been there twice). As a consequence of this intense transference sometimes little is accomplished in your own personal life for years (it can put your life on a halt) – which can add to the feeling of being worthless and thus to the intensity of transference, since it may contribute to the inclination to put the T on a pedestal. I feel it can almost be a catch 22. Blanche a member here, described that to a T: I could completely recognize it and I could absolutely not have voiced it any better.

So understandably those suggestions I shared in my first post may appear to be 'avoidance strategies' to not experience those feelings of pain, abandonment, rejection. However, they were actually meant to be a way to deal with those feelings that for some of us are literally taking over our lives for years (with what may be fatalistic consequences). As said: I completely agree, however, that what would work for one person does not have to work for the other person. I also understand that experiencing these painful feelings of rejection/abandonment ought to be a fundamental part of 'working through transference' in therapy. But some of us may need 'handles' while working through transference with a T to be able to get through this. And also to be able to take a step back every now and then, to look at this from a distance and ask ourselves if we are really making progress, or if we are just staying in therapy with a T since we are so attached/infatuated with him/her – meanwhile focusing years of our lives on this which can add to the feeling of being worthless and the infatuation/transference. And those 'handles' may include trying to take the edge of these feelings of pain/abandonment a bit to be able to get through this, cope with this. (Others of us may even opt out of working through transference with a T since they may not be able to get through such work with their T).

I hope that explains why I posted this, with indeed the footnote that some may need handles to work through transference or even to survive the pain of intense transference, and others may not.

Edit: please don't mind the massive amount of grammar errors - English is not my native language. Thanks!

This is a very interesting and insightful post, thank you for sharing. It really does illustrate that transference is a different experience for anyone of us. Very interesting that the ET for you was actually related to your aspirations and who you desired to be: to your personal growth, in other words. It does sound less destructive than the transference I tend to experience (indeed longing for care/nurture but solely with authoritarian persons that show abusive behavior), but I may be very wrong of course.

Your story is pretty unique here as the patterns are different than many of us. It's almost as if you had a 'mentor' transference? I have that with T sometimes.

I, too, think of all sorts of transference origins. Not only generally, but I've had at 4 different distinct types that arose in myself as a result of the therapy (meaning all 4 ET patterns came had different etiologies and qualities.

It definitely can be individualized, which can lead to more interesting dialogue in discussing everyone's experiences here. I think the therapist's personality and working style make a big difference too. I've felt not-so-intense tranference with some T's before him.

So speaking of ways of working through the transference so it's bearable, switching therapists is one way to change that dynamic.

fishwithoutabowl-

Did you start the discussion about strategies for transference outside of therapy, inside of therapy, both, or either? I was thinking you were not in therapy, which I may have wrongly assumed. Not that it matters a great deal, but I thought the context would be helpful for the discussion. Or maybe you meant this to be a general thread about transference strategies?

My strategy is to ignore those who treat me that way (as much as possible). I suppose that's avoidance. Actually, maybe that's just common sense (maybe I should stop labeling things so much). But these feelings of rejection and abandonment and worthlessness come up in therapy from interacting with my therapist, which are the type of transference feelings that I find very useful in working through. I think if you discuss the feelings over and over with your therapist as they come up, the feelings get diminished and they don't have as much power over you. Eventually. It takes so incredibly long when these patterns are ingrained.

I think it comes down to transforming your sense of self, where you don't believe these things about yourself. That's the long way-the psychoanalytic way. (Side note: problems arise when the therapist has negative countertransferences or doesn't have a solid sense of self. Then the client ends up repeating the patterns of childhood from attachment with a parent who didn't have a solid sense of self-the reason some of us are in therapy to begin with. That can lead to strengthening the negative view of oneself, leaving one worse off.)

Still wondering about defenses. This is how CBT failed me-the therapist told me my belief was distorted and to lie to myself. For example, feelings of worthlessness. Why would I be self-deceptive? How could I be? The feeling of worthlessness itself is not distorted--that is 100% reality based. I already know the belief itself is false--I know I'm not worthless. But how do I get defenses to not feel worthless?

Defense building may be a strategy, but how is that done? I've read about how maladaptive defenses are replaced by healthy ones; I think the client's therapist's voice/words is supposed to facilitate that. I suppose a person ends up not feeling worthless through the therapy process, but the psychoanalytic way is the long way. But maybe the lasting way.

So I mentioned theory. Here's an example of how I think this might work when applied it 2 different ways:

#1: This is an example of psychoanalytic (my experience-others may vary):
Me: When I told my mother I was in the hospital for x, the first thing she said was "x went to the hospital a few years ago for the same thing. She turned out fine." (followed by what seemed like fake concern)
T: You felt invisible.
Me: Yes, it was like she didn't 'see' me as a person. It triggers feelings of being objectified when x (trauma) happened to me. Those who who viewed me as an object didn't see I am a human being with feelings and knowingly harmed abused me.
T: Your mother didn't empathize with you.

In this case, there was no explicit defense building (not that it would happen with one time anyway). I still feel the feelings related to trauma, while in the past, I may have used repression--an unhealthy defense--for interactions with my mother like this. And this discussion will lead to more of the related feelings throughout the week, where I continue to feel the invisible feelings from relating to my mother. But there is a positive feeling of being listened to and empathized with from my T being there for me. And self exploration to understand my sense of self that would have existed had I been nurtured and treated like a person of worth. But it doesn't negate the feelings of worthlessness. That will have to come with time. Years.

This example doesn't get into transference, oops. Most of the work wouldn't be about my interactions with others. It would be working through the feelings of rejection by our interactions in the transference, not interactions with my mother. But too late; I already wrote this out and need to wrap this up...but still thinking about defense building helping alleviate transference feelings.

#2: This might be an example of how humanistic therapy would facilitate defense building:

Me: When I told my mother I was in the hospital for x, the first thing she said was "x went to the hospital a few years ago for the same thing. She turned out fine." (followed by what seemed like fake concern)
T: I'm sorry your mother didn't empathize with you. You deserve to be treated with compassion. You matter.
Me: Silence (What do I say? Do I internalize the positive regard?)

So, #2 seems like it could mitigate the feelings of worthlessness; the intervention leads to supression--a mature defense--where the feeling of worthlessness would be put in the back of my mind while I digest the positive view of myself told to me by my therapist. An implicit intervention of defense building. But this wouldn't involve working with the transference so much--most likely because I wouldn't be feeling any feelings of rejection by this therapist because she interjects with her view of me rather than allow that large space between us as illustrated in #1, where I am left feeling the feeling. In #2, the therapist distracts from feeling the negative feelings. A therapist relating like this kind of erases possible transferences that may come up. Hmm.

Sorry if I'm all over the place, but I find your posts to be thought provoking. I have to get back to my project now.

Blanche - I'm a bit confused by your apparent examples of psychoanalytic and humanistic therapies. Your first example is a perfect example of the person-centred way of working, which is absolutely humanistic and came about originally as a deliberate reaction against psychoanalysis - a new and different way of conducting talk therapy. It is now so ubiquitous that therapists of all types, including psychoanalysts, use it as a sort of 'base' for their therapy, but it is certainly not a specifically psychoanalytic way of working. The T in the example is aiming to paraphrase the client's words, with emphasis on the feelings they are experiencing. Doing as such is one of the foundations of person-centred therapy.

The second example I would not call humanistic, and as a humanistically trained therapist myself I would never respond to a client in that manner. It places a value judgement on the client which simply reinforces the idea that they exist to please others. Humanistic therapists do believe that everyone matters and deserves to be treated with compassion. We don't expect that simply telling people that is going to have much therapeutic benefit. It's more about showing them that. And yes, as you say, it takes time.

ETA: Reading your post again I notice you speak of CBT - perhaps you have the mistaken belief that CBT is a humanistic model of therapy? It is not. It belongs to the third category - behavioural. In fact it's almost the opposite of humanism.

Yes my pattern is definitely related to mentorship. But in the past they tended to be intensely erotic and romantic, and I got into quite a few sexual/romantic relationships with those mentor type figures. That was actually how I found out that some of the attractions were really pure transference, meaning only desirable in my imagination. When the real thing happened, I found some of the people completely neutral, if not actually repulsive, in a sexual sense. Some were interesting and I truly felt being in love though. The best explanation I could come up with for the sexual/romantic element was a desire to merge with that person that I perceived as a more evolved form of myself. Conquering that person gave me a feeling that I am closer to that ideal self (values) and am worthy of that position. It is interesting that one of my therapists completely fit me attraction/romantic pattern, and while I did experience some ET and occasional fantasies, that wasn't the most dominant type of feeling for him. Much more it was a twinship type of thing, to have him as a brother or something like that. I think that I just exhausted the ET in my youth. Also, for me, the fact that a sexual/romantic affair is out of real perspective with a T is a turn off on its own, the feelings just don't last. Probably this also shows that it's not about longing for closeness I did not or cannot have.

Yes the Ts actual personality and behavior can definitely bring out different things. I had pretty radically different experiences with my two therapists, even the occasional sexual feelings. For example, with one I only had pure sexual fantasies once, nothing romantic, I did not imagine an actual relationship with him. With the other, it is easy and pleasant to think about pretty much anything in the sexual/romantic palette but those feelings never became very obsessive and persistent. I prefer the brother thing for him (the appeal is the real similarities and being equals) but it is fluid.

Another pattern I have observed specifically in relation to being preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies about therapists is that actually that is an avoidance strategy for me. I sometimes keep my mind full of those things and avoid dealing with my real problems and tasks. Escape into that fantasy land instead. I imagine that this is perhaps not very uncommon for people who have avoidant attachment tendencies, but not sure. It is certainly a way to avoid real intimacy and relationships. And then I tend to dump Ts after a while, then re-start, etc. Or keep them at a distance, communicate with them via email rather than going to sessions, like currently. I am actually quite surprised that they engage in that, but others also described keeping in touch with their exT via email. I find that the emails can really intensify certain kinds of transference, since there is much less reality check than in person, in sessions. I often compare my email interactions with them in my mind to an analyst's couch (not that I lie down in sessions).

Hi,
I was trying to illustrate how a therapist could help a client with defenses, but messed up the examples in trying to continue with the example about family. I mentioned that wasn't really a psychoanalytic example, because it wasn't about the transference/T relationship, which is usually the bulk of that type of therapy.

No, I don't have CBT/behavioral mixed up. It was something I just mentioned. Sorry for the confusion-I've been all over the place and unfocused. But thanks for correcting me about the humanistic ways of doing things. What is the kind of therapy where the T says positive things to the client-like you are courageous, your feelings should be honored, you are lovable, etc? I read about it here at times but just guessed it was humanistic. I understand many are simply eclectic.

Anyway, I was trying to think about how positive defenses can be constructed, if you have any ideas about that, I'd love to hear them. I was thinking psychoanalytic was implicit while some types of therapy were more explicit in doing that. Interested in hearing if others have examples (and can illustrate them better than my attempt above).

I can see escaping in fantasy land as a defense, and then the emails as a way to avoid intimacy.

Some of the patterns you mentioned don't sound very distressing, twinship sounds kind of healthy to me, or at least not unhealthy... It also sounds like you like to keep your Ts at arms length and be the pursued rather than the pursuee, if I'm guessing that right.

Yes most of them is not particularly distressing for me, at least not the kind of transference patterns we are discussing here. There has been a repetitive very negative feeling/interaction pattern with one of my Ts that can be very distressing, especially the fact that I continue to contact him in spite of it affecting me negatively like that (that is certainly a transference). I actually do a lot of pursuing that can be stressful, I can get very obsessed interacting with the Ts or even just telling them all kinds of stuff. It is stressful because, as I said, I use it as distraction and avoidance, am aware of this, and yet won't stop. Then it often goes all over the map and I become frustrated that therapy is lacking direction and I use it more as distraction than working on worthwhile goals. So my pursuing is not so much about craving love, attention, support etc, but the discussion - I love to discuss and dissect these personal, psychological things, it's addictive. Even in a one-sided way, just think, analyze and share the result. I think that I am one of those who could use multiple sessions per week instead of writing emails, but I don't want to do that because I feel I would do it primarily just for the sake of it, as a hobby, and it's rather expensive just for that purpose (my analyst would say this is a resistance). I often feel that, especially with the second T, it's more pleasure seeking than actually working on issues. Yes that twinship thing is quite pleasant and he an excellent conversation partner, but sometimes I feel it is more like interacting with a friend than therapy.

I do keep the Ts at arm's length as far as emotional engagement goes, why I don't experience the whole thing as painful as many describe it here, I believe. My issue is that I get obsessed with the analysis and discussion, that is my primary defense against emotional involvement. I think that I am quite armored otherwise, so that defense definitely keeps the pain of transference at bay, but not the obsessiveness I described above. For me real progress would be breaking through those defenses and willing to be more vulnerable in a more steady way. Allow more emotional engagement rather than the cerebral I am much more prone to.

So, to go back to some of the questions in the OP, I think intellectualization is a pretty effective defense against emotional pain, for me at least. For me it is habitual but I believe some people on the forum mentioned developing (in relation to therapy) a more cerebral approach as protective mechanism against insecurities and being easy to get hurt and harmed. That's how it developed for me as well, but as a very young child, and it's become automatic. So for me self work at this point is more trying to go in the opposite direction, to peel off those layers of armor. I still don't feel very comfortable with dependency but very much like the idea if interdependence, and what I aim to develop more. I very much agree that taking down old defenses that lead to repetitive, habitual patterns and replacing them with new, more mature/balanced ones is the real deal.

Since we brought up therapy techniques and approaches, anyone knows what it is when a T mirrors the client's shares with stories and examples from their own life and personality? That's what my second T did all the time, what creates and reinforces that twinship feeling so powerfully (apart from all of our clearly overlapping interests). Lots of disclosures. I asked once why he does that and he said to express his empathy. I imagine that for some people who are so inclined, that approach might trigger very powerful ET, all that emphasized alikeness.

I haven't had a proper chance to read through the whole thread yet but my initial thoughts are - perhaps we need to experience and feel the pain of transference, before we can make the mental shift and move on? It's very tempting to avoid the pain or look for ways to diminish it... maybe we need to look at it and ask it questions??

I cant't speak for the OP, but I've been feeling it, discussing it, processing it, and living it for over 7 years. We were talking about the pros and cons of continuing this in another thread, which the OP mentioned.

Curious about your opinion-at what point does one stop working through? It seems like it can go on forever when it comes to psychodynamic tberapy.

Welcome, by the way. Nice to have you here.

It's Kohut. He is more self-psychology than object relations. It's a more supportive type of psychoanalytic therapy.

Alternatively, it could be your T's personal interest in you.

But regardless of his interest, if he is a competent T, I'd bet it's the former.

http://www.selfpsychologypsychoanaly...lfobject.shtml

I would be open to this approach.

Yes I am familiar with self psychology and Kohut's work, how I came to the conclusion that what I experience with that T is closest to the twinship concept. But I think there are many ways to achieve that sort of feeling and connection. My other T is big on this as well, and thinks it's important part of his therapy approach, but completely failed to establish it with me. I recognized how he tried at times, but it was very erratic, often self absorbed, not taking into consideration who I am and what I respond to, just trying the same over and over. Also, with him there was no real basis for it, i.e. true similarities in our backgrounds, thinking style etc. I don't think it would ever work for me to achieve that kind of connection without some true elements, purely expecting it from transference and projections. I think that transference is most effective when it is linked to something in the other person directly and then triggers a sort of domino effect of feelings. In other words, I think the combination of T and client has to be right and compatible for a certain effect to occur.

On the question of how long/far it can be beneficial to work on transference mechanisms in therapy - I tend to have the reservations that it can go on forever, there will always be something to look at. As I said above, I tend to refrain from doing it long just for the sake of it, without seeing how my everyday life can benefit from it. And, in my experience, therapists often cannot really give insights as to what the benefits would be, I asked mine many times. Of course one can say it is impossible to know ahead of time, so just go roll with it and see. Now that is the kind of things that I have refused so far, especially when the effects of therapy interfere with my everyday functioning and focus in negative ways, or there isn't anything practical apart from interesting discussions. It is hard for me then to accept that I should continue, and usually that is where I stop for a while.

I remember when I was confused in another older thread where I was told that there are clear differences between psychoanalytic and humanistic therapies and how psychoanalytic therapy is something that it clearly isn't or hasn't been for at least 50 years ...

Thank you all for the insightful responses - I really like the turn this topic took which certainly does give more insight in (the diversity of experiences concerning) transference. Frankly I'm not in the most fantastic place currently and my English is poor enough so that it takes me long to write a proper reponse, so I'm mostly reading currently and appreciating the great posts that were made.

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Blanche, thanks. I totally get you. It's been 3 years for me. It can be torturous at times. I do feel as though I'm moving ever so slowly in the right direction though - having said that, sometimes it's 2 steps forward, 5 steps back! From the literature I've read, it very much depends on how the T deals with it, they need to be confident enough to dip their toes in the water and I think some are very avoidant. Successful working through requires both the therapist and patient to engage with the transference I think.