Roll Call Twelve

Thanks Newtus! Normally I notice within a week, but this time...nothing. My doctors say things that I know isn't true, so I find it hard to believe them when they say I don't have psychosis. They say it's because I don't talk to the voices, well some people here don't talk to their voices and why would I talk to them out loud when they can hear all my thoughts?! They also said it's because the voices come from my childhood, yet all the books I've read lately say that the voices come from our past experiences, so it surprises me that they don't know that. They also said that in real psychosis, the voices say random things, well I have random hallucinations too, especially when my printer talks to me. And they say all my beliefs are consistent with my mood which makes it not psychosis, yet I don't think that's true and that doesn't explain the time that I thought my subconscious flew off and overheard other people's conversations, but they've dismissed that. And real auditory hallucinations apparently are only outside your head, but they dismissed my external voices and focused only on the times they're internal. It's like they're fitting my symptoms to fit their current theory.

Unfortunately I am stuck with these pdocs as long as I live at home. At my last meeting, she even tried to persuade me not to go back to my Uni pdoc!!! She was talking about "continuity of care" and changing diagnoses, but I could tell she didn't want me going back and have him tell me that they were wrong and I do have MI/depression/sza/whatever. I don't know why she would care what happens when I move though...

*Willow*

i was just looking at charles mansons facebook. that sh_t is FORREAL.

@willow

yea some pdocs are like that. even some mental health professionals in general.

iif what your saying is true (and i dont doubt you at all) then you do have aspects of psychosis. now im no doctor. but i do know that just because you realize you have psychosis doesnt mean your not psychotic. and just because you dont talk to the voices doesnt mean arent. you know what i mean.

anyway
regarding the internal stuff its real hard to tell if those are voices. because they can easily be thoughts and not voices. idk what you personally hear so i can only tell you from my experience and you can see if its anything similar to mine. - my voices inside of my head sometimes do say random things. they are not my thoughts. they are other genders and different ages and sometimes demonic. - but sometimes docs have told me that that is thought insertion. which is similar to voices but its like telepathic kinda voices.

anyway jsut my experience. more on that if you wanna know.

I've had doctors doubt me. Thinking I am a mendacious LIAR that deserves to burn eternally in Hell. People are evil, possessed by demons. I've had so much hell lately. But my voices for the most part are external, but my thought insertion is internal (I guess?). I see things outside my head, such as demons (aka Dark Ones), aliens and government agents. The Watchers, spy agencies everywhere. Some people have insight into their psychosis, some doctors would view that as a warning sign though. Most have no insight into psychosis as a general rule. I don't think I'm psychotic but the docs keep on saying I am. My external voices are different volumes from whispering to screaming commands. I get the random voices and thoughts as well. In fact I named one of my voices as the "random phrase guy." Its very hard to think, I have depression right now. Have been depressed for a long time.

im sorry your depressed firebird. sorry about the docs doubting you too.

i believe my demons are real. truly. i actually believe im going through a religious existential crisis and not psychosis but therapist and nurse and doc think its all psychosis.

My son's having dinner with this woman he met in his peer support class. He's so stressed. He called right before she was to show up to say that 'some people might think it's odd' to drive so far to have dinner with someone. Personally I see nothing wrong with driving an hour to see a friend, particularly as he was to be in class in the same city. The class was cancelled at the last minute, but the dinner date had already been made.

I didn't really know what to say to reassure him. First, who cares what 'some people might think'? He lives his whole life trying to avoid imagined criticisms from imaginary people. Second, people do drive a distance to see friends. Especially when the friend is in need of support - as this one is.

I wish he wouldn't torture himself. No matter how great something is (he's been wanting more friends for a long time), he finds a way to twist it around so it's negative. I wish he could just enjoy the good stuff when it comes into his life. Life dishes up enough misery without us having to invent more.

Costello, do you think maybe your son is making it easier for himself to enjoy new, unfamiliar, and therefore frightening experiences by adding in an element of familiar negativity? Maybe he's not so much torturing himself but easing himself into it?

You may be right, Gr3tta. I know negative emotions can be familiar and comfortable.

At any rate, the date is over and it seems to have gone ok. He called and talked a while, and you can tell how much more relaxed he is. What a relief! When he's stressed, I get stressed. I wish I could stop doing that.

yeah i had to get all the notes too. it was for my lawsuit. they needed everything. it was a hassle to get them all. one place my mom sent me when i was 16 that was abusive refused to give them to me. my mom had to drive there 6 hours away to pick them up. they charged out the wazoo for them too. they dont want people suing them for their past damages

they said i was childlike in my notes too.

I just did some research and I think I have found the solution to my career problems! I'm going to switch my major for a more secure career

What major are you switching from and going to?

well T and my pdoc and me lowered my risperdal dose by .5 mg. things have been going well so far. no voices or paranoia. T seems to be worried that i wont tell him if they come back because i want off the meds so bad. he always questions me when i say they havent come back yet. he squints his eyes and looks like me like hes trying to find the truth but im telling the truth. i told T i wouldnt want them to come back and i would tell him if they did.

i work today 11 to 8. 9 hours. not really looking forward to it.

I'm glad you are still asymptomatic and things are going well. Crossing my fingers you remain that way.

Sorry you have to work long hours today. Only advice I can offer is to pace yourself and pause for a moment to take a deep breath when things get stressful.

BTW, I love your Avatar. It reminds me when I'm happy manic and walk in the cereal aisle. Those colorful cereal boxes are eye popping when manic.

hey. yeah its pretty amazing that im symptom free. ive been struggling with persistent psychosis for about 2 years. ive had it since i was 16 but it left for a while when i was addicted to drugs to self medicate.

work is ******, but it helps to stay busy. as long as im doing something like ringing up a customer its ok. when i have to stand around and wait for someone to come to my line it sucks. thats why i hate working late like til 11pm. at least its only til 8 today.

thanks. i found my avatar on a website of images called ffffound.com. its pretty cool

My son called to say he had a good time yesterday evening (hier soir - you know you've been hitting the French tapes too hard when French phrases pop spontaneously into your head!), but he doesn't want to do anything to mess it up. I don't know if I should be glad he had a good time or sad that having a good time just makes him afraid that something bad will follow.

He says he doesn't deserve good things.

Ask him why he thinks he doesn't deserve good things. Is it because he thinks he's flawed in someway, perhaps because of his mental illness and feels because of that he doesn't deserve good things?

We've talked about it a number of times. He does think he's not worthy. I don't think he thinks he's flawed because of his mental illness. I'm not sure he believes he has a mental illness. He just has a profound sense that he's not worthy of anything nice. He also thinks people will be jealous of him if he has anything nice. He doesn't want other people to feel bad. And it doesn't have to be anything really, really, really nice. Once he bought a $20 robe at Target, then he threw it away because he didn't deserve it and other people might envy him.

He will self-sabotage in order to ruin something if he thinks it's too good for him. At least now he's aware he's doing it. That helps a little. He stops and thinks before he does something to ruin whatever's going right.

You know this isn't about you, right? That's about your life, past and present.

Psychosocial Stress and Psychosis. A Review of the Neurobiological Mechanisms and the Evidence for Gene-Stress Interaction

oh yea im very aware of what psychosocial stressors are.

like my dad drinking - almost dying. parents divorced. that sort of thing right?

i cant help but wnder if this med combo of haldol and risperdal is safe or not.

Mention it to your pdoc?

i will. i see him next tuesday so i will

thank you

So GUESS WHAT...

anyone remember how i asked why on one of the hospital stays didnt give me a diagnosis? i think a few of you remember...

so i just picked up my records/notes from that hospital stay (which was this time last year about).

well the sheets read "Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia"

YEP. not suprised but why didnt they tell me that on discharge? i had to get the records to see that diagnosks. and pay for it too.

anyway um
mystery solved sorta. i read all the notes too.

oh and my GAF (global assessment of functioning) was 20.

and for anyone not familiar with the GAF scale - 20 means "Some danger of hurting self or others (e.g., suicide attempts without clear expectation of death; frequently violent; manic excitement) OR occasionally fails to maintain minimal personal hygiene (e.g., smears feces) OR gross impairment in communication (e.g., largely incoherent or mute)."

just lots stuff
i think they are perfectly right this time

Thanks Newtus! Well my internal 'voices' are usually the same as my external 'voices' as in they sound the same and say the same sort of things, but just inside my head and I identify it as not me. Sometimes things get cloudy and I'm not sure if it was my internal dialogue/me or the voices.

I'm not so anxious since leaving hospital. I mean I get anxious about specific things I have to do that I find scary, but the generalised anxiety and paranoia have eased off. And I think the 'voices' have too - it's more 'did I think that or did they say that' than hearing them clearly. Now I should be overjoyed, but I'm like Costello's son in that I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I feel like the 'voices' are my punishment for being a bad person and so I don't deserve for them to go away. And I'm scared things getting better means that I *did* make the whole thing up, which really scares me because I don't want to be a liar or attention seeker, or have people think that about me.

I'm just feeling like a fraud in general. I went to a local MH centre today (well my Mum made me because the Drs want me to be more independent and to do stuff away from my parents) so I went to help make mince pies. I was the only person, even including the centre staff, who'd ever made mince pies before and the other people attending the cooking group were clearly not very competent in the kitchen. So before I knew it, I'd slipped into fake helper/medstudent/psychology student mode and was supporting and encouraging the other people with each of the tasks rather than participating as they did. I don't know how to be me. I don't know who that is! But I'm well practiced in pretending to be 'normal' and help other people. And then because I put on such a good performance, I felt like I didn't belong there, that I was a fraud and wasting MH resources that other sicker people deserve more than I do.

IDK.

*Willow*