Roll Call 34

It could easily be a myth since the algorithm isn't public but why risk it?

yea i guess your right

For me they were the best that people could be....essentially a force for good...who dedicated 1 hour a week of their life to me....sure they were getting paid but that seemed unimportant....even with like my pdoc he would talk to me for 15 minutes on the phone if it helped sort things out....there was no fee for this. Pdoc is still helping now to some extent and he's not even my doctor anymore....

From the outside it seems bizarre but basically they make you the most important person in their life during that brief interaction....you are the priority not them or anyone else....you don't have full access to them so you know it's not real but in that moment it truly is real. It's not something I thought I would even want and yet it's actually hard to resist. It's like a type of love but different than the chaotic type you would normally encounter with an irl encounter....there are no fights only calm discussion about why you might think one way and whether other things may be possible. It's in a way an idealized situation with another human without any sort of negative reaction despite what you might say.

And yes I had a fancy T/pdoc combo that I know not everyone is so lucky to have so mileage may vary but I think lack of attachment is probably due to a poor T because I know I have an avoidant attachment style but I still got attached.....honestly more to my pdoc because I was initially prepped that I would lose my T quickly but I liked the T a lot better initially because there was no agenda aside from what we both agreed to discuss where pdoc had a battle plan....

Anyway that's how it worked for me....

Crescent - it's because abilify can increase psychotic symptoms at first.

I think they aren't sure it's going to help as well, they think its stopped working for me, so it's nice that she is even thinking about it.

to anyone who needs them.

Weren't you taking a really low dose on the pills? And you rarely took it for more than several days before stopping... then restarting... then stopping... and repeat. So they really don't know whether it will work for you. Maybe if you emphasize how terribly inconsistent you were, maybe they'll give it another chance? And as far as the risk of psychosis at first, can't they just watch you close, or maybe get it started in hospital?

I need more dopamine..

Crescent - why I was on it most recently I was only on 10mg which does nothing for me, I was on 20mg, but I rarely took it.

My doctor was thinking of starting it in hospital though.

going to see my therapist today. i didnt get enough sleep. i took 300mg trazedone last night - made me very dizzy and sick

Slept about 5 hrs. Feel fine though. I'm seriously considering eating more healthy. I'm just hoping I can stick to it. The risperdal causes me to retain water. I looked it up and its bc I have high blood pressure. I already take a diuretic for it. Anyway, I'm thinking about really lowering salt from my diet and only eating complex carbs. Oh and only healthy fats. At least start there. I'll see.

How is everyone today?

I wish I could change my mood on here. I haven't been able to in about a month.

You've certainly got the basics... Don't listen to anyone who tells you fats are bad. Nothing is bad for you in moderation & we even have requirements for the likes of saturated fats.

Eating healthy can make a huge difference to how you feel for sure. Back when I was exercising, eating well & doing vegetarian meals 2-3 times a week... I felt great physically & mentally.

In other news, I seem to be getting some suicidal ideation today. It's not like I want to but I'm just thinking about it. Bit disconcerting to read I fit the profile of a classic sz suicidal patient. Under 30, higher IQ, high achiever before illness & awareness of decline in mental function.

Hmm, need to get out this way of thinking. Got some relaxing music on which helps.

You can do it on your profile I think. I can't click the one at the top of the forum on my laptop but I can on my iPhone.

Thanks for that thought about moderation, very true.

I hope those thoughts go away.

Calming music helps me too. Well songs like , Everybody hurts by REM, and Angel by Sarah McLaughlin. And pretty much all The Cranberries and Tori Amos. I'm getting back into music again.

I tried and it wouldn't let me. I should probably contact tech support. I even tried emptying my caches. Still didn't work.

Thanks

Me too. I had very bad suicidal ideation with my first psychotic episode & I became very withdrawn, thinking about how to etc. I then just sat comatose for an afternoon before an out of the blue phone call from my Mum snapped me out of it.

It seems to be the awareness of my situation that is the worst part now. Last time it was the distress as I didn't know what was going on.

Anyway, I've been getting back into music a bit myself. Got some Zero 7 on now, had Moby, Massive Attack earlier... All nice calming music.

Kureha- have you ever though about taking the meds as prescribed for 3 months? Just for 3 months. You can change them or whatever later, but commit for 3 months. It just sucks to see you go through all of this.

I'm gonna write down those bands. I'm still stuck in the '90s, and early 2000's, lol.

Despite the fact I'm in my mid twenties, I've got a fair bit from 60s-80s. I'm always looking backwards for my musical tastes...

You know what scares me most with this suicidal ideation. I know that if I wanted to, it would be successful.

******warning trigger*******

See we can't know for sure. My mom attempted suicide about 7-8 Times after my dad died, So I was 4-11 during it. It made me feel like she didn't love us enough to continue living. There would be pills all over the house and she was found by my sisters usually. She had untreated severe ptsd and depression. She completely regretted doing it. My mother was a wonderful person. She passed away at 72, 7 years ago from lung cancer. I miss her every day.

My point is, u will be missed. I barely know you and already like u a lot. You have so much life ahead of you. There's only one way imo to for sure be successful, and I'm not putting it on here. But I can't do that to my boy and my family. I just can't. I hope those thoughts go away for you soon. I've attempted 3 times. Had to have my stomach pumped, it was no fun.

Sorry to hear about your mum

I just found an interesting website on suicide... I'm glad to say I'm reading it more out of curiosity than anything else. Some quite interesting statistics on how few actually manage.

The way I always try to get out these thoughts is by knowing that I have a whole life ahead of me & even if times may be worse in the future, there will also others that will be better. I think dwelling in the now sometimes does no good.

Yeah, exactly. Feelings and thoughts change. Suicide really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Think of the times you've felt happy, serene, joy. You will feel that again, I promise, you will.

I'm the youngest of 8. My mother and I were very close. I was 33 when she died. I would have never had those yrs with her if she was successful in her attempts.

She was the most compassionate person I've ever known. She made our carport into a home for stray cats. There were a lot, I grew up in a low income area. Anyway, she paid our neighbor to make little cubbies for the strays to keep warm in the winter, lol. She fed them and gave them antibiotics when they would get sick from abscesses or whatever. Just a wonderful person.

She sounds it.

And 8

I had an older sister & one was enough...! Must be such a different family unit 2 compared to 8.

I would have had a brother, but he died at 2 days old before I was even born. I often wonder what it would have been like to have an older brother. Still feel this sort of connection to him, Hamish, despite the fact he died so young before I was born.

Yeah that's why she attempted, she was a stay at home mom. My dad was an electrician. She still had 5 of us at home when he died.

Yeah, I have 5 sisters and 1 brother. My brother Jimmy passed away. But I used to hate having spo many sisters, bc I thought they were trying to control me. But they were just trying to help. I've lived through a lot. I'm not close at all though to my oldest sister. She's just idk, lol. My brother lives in San Diego so I barely ever see him. But I'm pretty close to 3 of my sisters. I'm Thankful I have a big family now.