Roll Call 144

I was having a lot of trouble with insomnia, and no natural remedies helped. I needed a med to help me sleep.

I've been using my phone and laptop more often since most of my classwork is online this week with my professor out, that class being hybrid and the other being fully online. I spend a lot of time just browsing around trying to distract myself and keep myself from pacing obsessively, I'll try that though tonight

I take seroquel at night, it definitely makes me fall asleep but I can't seem to stay asleep longer than 3 hours

I hope that works @Blue_Bird

Feeling awful. I’m really sick to my stomach with a headache. I think it’s nerves. I got dinner but can’t bring myself to eat it.
My aunt saved me. She is an odd one and we have a kinda strange relationship but when I was a kid she was like a god to me. Now she fills that spot for my daughter. So I text her and asked if they could hang out for an hour or so. She came and picked her up brought her to the movies and dinner. . As dysfunctional as my extended family is they still try...for my kids. My daughter sent me a selfie and she was smiling. That makes my heart feel better.

I played the switch for a bit

Played stardew valley and paladins

I applied to SNHU for online school.

I decided to go with a marketing degree with a concentration in social media.

We will see how this all pans out.

Only reason i signed up (other than already looking at this school) is cuz FAFSA sent me an email to renew my government financial aid form. They said my projected money is a 6k grant that i dont have to pay back.

Everytime i take my meds everyday i feel like the mental health techs are watching me. I make sure i show under my tongue when im done.

Anyone else do this?

I feel alone and slightly psychotic =[

The invega injection is making my grey matter deteriorate slower and tangling with new genetic code in the matter of the cells for government controlled reality putting me in the box so I don't connect with the realm.

Oh well.. Nothing I can do about it but take risks... that I'm not willing to take.. to jump into the unknown or smoke cigarettes but to exist is the point to live and life can be worth living but also worth dying FOR under a god but we're just monkeys.. geniuses everyone is.. but also stupider than the animals we eat..

hey message me anytime. i'm usually up late.

Some guy saw me smoking a cigarette alone and asked if I was ok.. weird.. we talked for a bit and he lit up a joint and offered me some.. I said no cuz I get paranoid and anxious.. he said he gets paranoid from it too.. then he walked away up the stairs and said the stairs are wobbly..

I like talking to strangers..

that's cool. you always make friends talking to strangers.

I wrote this on reddit (I plan to start my meditation journey for real);

"I'm not quite sure the right way to meditate. I've been doing guided meditation a few months ago because I was having panic attacks and I wanted to see more spiritually after a bad shroom trip. I talked to my therapist today about the trauma in the psych ward that caused the bad shroom trip and I just want to relax later.

I'm going to just sit there in silence this time, think and let my thoughts come and go and observe them for 10 minutes. Is that how I meditate? Can someone please give me some tips on how to meditate? I wish I could properly understand.

The best that I've ever came close to meditation is when drifting into sleep. I was researching beta and theta waves and stuff like that.. interesting..

My thought pattern is that of a shroom.. constant chain of thoughts that goes on forever through infinite energy even after I die.. and become the people that are reading this.. However they care about reading this.. I'll stop typing now and just do it .. but later.. I want to listen to some music first because I'm addicted to music.. Need music fix.. I used to be addicted to everything.. tried 46 different drugs.. But spirituality made me be less addicted.. although I enjoy things less or take everything for granted or more specifically don't appreciate things like food, sex, sleep.. so yeah..

Thanks for any comments much appreciated love peace =] Btw do you think I should to guided meditation for a while first or just meditate without knowing what to do? Idk soz ok bye I'll see you in the comments my friends..."

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"I just attempted to meditate for 10 minutes. I set a timer. Lots of thoughts. I realize that I put myself into thought patterns where I imagine myself in situations and what I'd say to people to prepare myself for scenarios before they even happen. I notice that this is anxiety.. but all my thoughts are is anxiety half the time.. I feel like this is a good thing though.. I like how I think.. I repeat thoughts over and over again until they feel perfect to me.. I think I should just practice letting go of these repetitive thoughts and move on to the next pattern.. but I'm afraid of not having insight to reassure myself.. I'm medicated for psychosis so I need insight to keep me sane.. I believe my insight is valuable to me.. and I feel good when I become these stories of the future and past that I make for myself.. live in the moment? I really can't do that..

But I guess meditation lets people think anxious thoughts so they get them sorted out so they can make way for better and new thoughts during the time that they're not meditating? idk"

I'm faking my way through life right now. Going to buy some ice cream, maybe I'll feel better for a little while at least.

What am I doing wrong, I have to be doing something wrong. My mental health has been falling apart slowly the past 6 months. What do I have to do to fix it? I know I must not be doing enough,

I'm sorry @Blue_Bird. Have some hugs.

Maybe upping your Seroquel until it works regularly. Or maybe up the triliptal (spelling?)

@Blue_Bird talk to your psychiatrist about your options.

I don't know. I'm not sure, I mean I haven't been manic since the trileptal was upped to 1200mg but I also am not happy, I don't feel the amazing happiness I always used to feel. The seroquel helps me sleep, I don't want it increased though, I mean I was on 500mg a long time ago, I don't remember anything about that though. I take 200mg at night, within an hour and a half I can hardly walk and feel very drunk so I end up falling asleep. I just feel like I have to fix things some other way

Are you in therapy?

Yes, I've been seeing the same therapist for a few years

Hello. Swallowed a vyvanse at 9am so I didn't sleep in. Finished my pack of cigarettes. I want to buy more to feed the schiz but I won't. Going to make coffee and study..

How are u doing right now?

My boss gave me an ultimatum, either come into work on time of start to work part time, either way he had a business to run and needed order to plan out his schedule.

I had to accept my hypomania and begin to fix my hypomania by way of benzos and upping my anti psychotics. This sleeplessness didn't occur until I stopped taking my mood stabilizer, but the mood stabilizer gave me urinary retention and I had to get off it and rely solely on AP's and Bezos. Whie trying to fidx all of this I had to sleep every other day. It was one of the most miserable times of my life trying to fix my sleep issue, but I only started to fix it when I had to accept I had hypomania.

FOr a short term fix, benzos and Benadryl worked, but anti psychotics and mood stabilizers are the long term fix.

I'm okay, thanks Newtus

I guess I'm just frustrated because my therapist always wants me to tell my doctor about these things, they work in the same clinic. My therapist and doctor are wonderful, but I don't want to add meds or anything. My mood has been so screwed up lately that I'm afraid for anything even to be adjusted because who knows what would happen then, things are falling apart in my life,I'm managing to convince my sister that everything is okay mainly because we live in different towns and she works a lot so she doesn't see me day to day. I'm just trying to get by, I can't afford for things to get any worse than they are or I'll end up failing this semester. I'm not sure what to do.... I'm wondering if I should talk to my doctor and see about changing my antidepressant. I have no energy, motivation comes and goes, but in general its not there. I'll have a really good day or two every now and then but then I'm back to this crap.