Roll Call 167 :)

more like the 8 year old isn't going to be left alone unsupervised

Maybe barely, slightly better today, but still not able to really accomplish anything. Did manage to make some banana bread, so, I guess I did something. Got a little bitty bit of cleaning done, too. Just a tad.

Tried to work on the novel--I am in the middle of editing one book that is finished and writing another--and it was pathetic. Just could not muster any interest, which is very concerning for me. Writing is like, my whole life. Or most of it.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow. We shall see. Not as paranoid today, so that is good.

Hugs and love to all!!!!!!!!!

I'm not taking anymore benzos. I bought a bottle of white wine. I'm gonna take two shots with one zopiclone to attempt to sleep tonight at ~3am.

Intake at PHP is tomorrow at 1:30pm, unsure when I'll first see my doctor. Did some research and only one lab in the area does clozapine plasma levels so I guess I'll be going there, but idk if I go straight there or go to a PCP and get blood drawn by them.

Just note that if you do go the alcohol route, it can cause more CNS depression (meaning it'll slow you down) *obviously this isn't medical advice, but just be careful if you choose to do that...

Yeah I'm just so frustrated with this whole thing. Sleep-wake.., life, independence, mental illness, treatment, meds, doing things, etc..

I've heard of old people in homes taking a shot of wine to help them sleep. Since nothing bad happened then I took 2 benzos last night with zopiclone and phenibut, it will be ok to take with just zopiclone alone.

Eventually my tolerance will be gone and the zopiclone alone will help me sleep. It's just cuz I messed up by taking that extra vyvanse, staying up all night and then taking alprazolam to sleep.

My mom drinks a bottle of wine a night with her lorazepam.

I know for me, when I exercise, I sleep better. Have you tried that? Sometimes drugs just don't work for sleep...

I made a goal to run for 30 minutes every evening. I did it once and I became numb and dissociated because I pushed myself too hard. I can't sleep when I'm like that but I bet if I did it more often, I would.

I'm gonna go on that hike tomorrow. I've been hiking 2x a week in the spring, summer and fall (Also mountain biking) and skiing 2x a week every winter for two years.

I feel like I really have to push myself with exercising to get any benefits. It usually makes my heart beat faster even hours after I've finished exercising.

Welp the 7.5mg zopiclone, 2 shots of wine, 1g of phenibut and 40mg CBD didn't help me sleep. I feel good though.. I'll stay up until I get tired - Whenever that is..

If worst comes to worse, I'll stay up all night, do the hike and then sleep in the late afternoon until tomorrow morning.

I actually can't sleep either. Just ran actually, so I feel a little bit too energized to go to sleep... Oh well...

My Grandad died last night

I’m sorry

Happy birthday, Job!!!

Oh no, I’m so sorry for your loss.

I drank half a glass of wine with a zopiclone and 40mg of CBD, tried to sleep at 11pm.. Couldn't sleep.

So I stayed up until 4am, took a walk around the block and then attempted to sleep at 4:30am. I started to feel like I was going to fall asleep but the ****ING CAT was scratching at the carpet so I got out of bed.. There was no cat there..

Then I go back into bed, pissed and I start getting tired at 6am again and all I hear is "Mrrreow mrrreeoowww". Fk. My moms cat annoying me so I said screw that I'm not sleeping.

I took a 40mg Vyvanse this morning instead of a 50mg, gonna make a coffee and just stay awake, go on the hike and by 4-6pm, I'm gonna try and sleep again. I'll have to take half a alprazolam with the zopiclone because my brain jolts and twists my heart during the moment I drift into unconsciousness when I'm awake for too long.

That's my plan.

Sorry for your loss unsure......

We're so sorry for your loss... Sending positive and healing vibes.

Sorry for your loss Unsure. That's terrible news.

I’m sorry for your loss

Hey, Desoxyn, I am new here so, forgive me, but, do you have anyone to help you maybe with your meds? You seem to be sort of all over the map with them. Or maybe I am missing something. I have difficulty remembering to take all mine, myself. I live alone. I really need some help.

In my four decades dealing with bp 1 with tons of psychosis and lots of addcition to absolutely everything, I can pretty much guarantee you that it is going to be far more difficult to achieve stability of any kind with non-prescribed substances in the mix. I have tried them all. Alcohol, benzos, opiates, uppers, hallucinogens, on and on. Not judging in the least, but I have had the course. Is there any chance you could try to do this without the extraneous stuff? It might help you.

Sending you strength and suport. I hope you have a better day.

Exercising anywhere near bedtime si very likely to make sleep more difficult.

I am so sorry, unsure. Sending you strength and support.

Slept decently, restless, but okay overall. I feel okay, but the pattern has been, pretty good for an hour or two, and then, begin to feel like crap. So, we will see.

Need to get some stuff done today. Maybe today will be a bit better. I hope so. I try not to ever lose hope for the possibility of improvement. You just never know with this crazy illness what is going to happen next..

No voices or paranoia so far today. Hurray.

Hugs an strength to everyone. I hope you all have good days.

I'm sorry. Sending positive energy your way.

Sorry for your loss Unsure