Roll Call 168 =)

I’m awake lmao I’m writing for my blog and 2 other websites.

I got extensive testing when I went through this job rehabilitation program. 3-4 maybe 5 hours straight of IQ testing, psychological testing, etc. Only for them to say I have schizophrenia and agoraphobia. Probably some other things too that I forgot.

I'm still partying. Alone.

I have a headache. It's distracting me from enjoying the party. Took Advil so it will be gone in 20 minutes.

My IQ is gone.. Somewhere..

I was never rebellious. My avoidant, recluse personality, self isolation and fear of standing out from being in any group saved me from being bullied or harmed. It worked.

I'm like a turtle. I peak out and all I see is madness so I go back in..

I will stay in my shell.

I accidentally swallowed a piece of gum

Luckily I fell back asleep

Good luck today!

I haven’t fell asleep yet. Bleh.

I am pretty much here

Don’t forget to call your doctor today about the antibiotics.

I’m sad. Again. Like yesterday. It’s a gloomy rainy day and it’s supposed to make me happy but I just feel downtrodden. Idk why. I been up all night and wrote. I made myself write. And I applied for jobs because Texas is reinstating their work search rules to 3 a day starting the second week of July. I think my unemployment runs out this next Monday. May be my last check. So I’m applying to jobs.

I hate days like this. Where it’s gloomy and I’m sad, at the same time. I want my love to be next to me. But he has to work. Tomorrow is supposed to be a sunny day but tomorrow for him to be here is not the same as home needing him for today. I always seem to think like that. Even with other people like my dad.

Fiancé was in the shower and I was singing. Singing like I haven’t ever before in months. Maybe 2 years. I just felt that sadness and my broken vocals matched the tune of the song.

I can tell I’m sad by how I’m writing.

He has to work though.....he can’t not work...he doesn’t value work above you, he’s just trying to survive and make sure you survive too. Without him working you couldn’t be independent, living in your cool apartment.

In addition, it’s not his job to address your mental health, you have a team of professionals that are better suited to that. It’s like when I get the flu or something, I don’t expect bf to cure my flu....maybe he’ll bring me groceries but that’s the extent of it.

Omg everybody in the house is up early today. I guess bfs mom is going to get her hair done, but she was showering when I woke up and I was kinda pissed because I was just like what’s her deal competing with me and bf for hot water when we’ve both got interviews today. I’m sure part of it is lack of sleep on my part but she’s got this way of making everything about her.

I know. I’m just sad and idk why.

Hugs could it be because you’re losing unemployment?

Did you take both vraylar?

Yes I did. At 6am.

It’s possible. Going back to being financially unstable but I have absolutely no regrets buying that VR headset. It has cheered me up in ways I didn’t know existed.

I seemed to get sad last night when it seemed like my dad may have been drinking when I called him. And this morning too but it was most likely he was just tired this morning. Idk about last night. And then Dustin must’ve gotten annoyed with me last night and snapped at me when I asked him to repeat himself. I can’t help that I can’t hear well anymore. I need my ears cleaned. It’s weird, I can hear certain sounds from the next room but not when people mumble.

I found one gig that was like the last, with the contract. It only pays 140 tho for the whole gig. Not sure if it’s worth it. Much better contract tho. Only 30 day assignment and like 14 posts for 140. Stuff like that sounds easy to just post social media but it’s not. Especially what most of these contracts are asking for. Like you have to make a video saying very specific keywords but in your own words. The contract isn’t what’s complicated most times, it’s the actual assignment. I’d do it if it was at least 250 but idk.

Also applied to a writing site that seems pretty strict but supposedly is one of the higher paying content panels. It’s really not strict, I just think it is because they ask to cite sources for work. I know good and well how to and why I should, it’s just a pain. But it’s work, right? Even writing can be dull sometimes.

Being financially not so well off was affecting you before so it may have triggered something, but like you were super depressed before buying the VR headset too so you might still be in a depression? I mean it might not be situational at all.

As far as not hearing well, if you need your ears cleaned out, get it done. It’s your job to see a medical professional if necessary. It’s one thing if you don’t have the money but it should be a priority to take care of yourself once you do.

True but with the medical stuff, my doctor is an hour and a half away and I just don’t wanna make that drive at all, whatsoever. I absolutely hate long drives. Plus cvs does ear cleaning but there’s only one cvs in this town and it doesn’t have a minute clinic. Ugh. Maybe I can go somewhere else in this town.

The depression, idk. Maybe I am depressed. It seems as if the depression (for no reason) is underlying and when I get even worse into depression, it’s for a reason. So double whammy against me. Double edged sword w/e.

Man, idk what’s wrong. Idk anymore. Between the severe psychotic episode I encountered a week or so ago and this depression, I really, really want to give up on my life goals. Like I haven’t really been inspired, or writing, or reading, or anything. I’m pushing myself to post on social media. That’s why I haven’t been doing anything, I’m so exhausted from my mental health and I feel like if I’m not being productive at this point, then what’s the point at all? I’ll just sit around and sleep or do whatever.

Got these a week ago

I understand not wanting to goto the actual doc for various reasons....it’s never convenient but you can’t expect other people to accommodate problems that can be easily solved with a doctor’s visit if you choose not to go for whatever reason. If you can’t hear, you’re basically giving yourself another disability.

Regarding the potential depression...try the pick three technique again. I know you’ve been immersed in VR but that’s still only visual and sound....besides I find tv like entertainment doesn’t really work as one of the three, your mind has to be active in all three dimensions.

Missing a week on social media won’t lose your followers, you said the blog was still getting reads and you just posted something anyway. There’s a continuum between productivity and sloth....what you want right now is called relaxation. When you’re depressed its hard to do more than just maintain your basic needs, so doing something for yourself like the pick three is productivity.

@newtus! We love you!

You're doing really really good. Way much better than how you were. It's ok to take a break and catch up on things later. I don't know how you do it - But you do it.. I can't imagine what it must take to be able to focus/ignore all of the things that you're doing like that.

For me, I have an extremely hard time finishing things almost as bad a starting things. Most people have problems finishing things but no problem starting things.

There's bad things happening - With the world, your mental health, the future, etc.. Idk if you struggle with the past as much as I do - I don't think about it as much anymore because new problems have arisen and I'm focused on those.

You don't have to always maintain a steady stability of what you do - Putting yourself out there.. I could possibly do that too but not now. I'm doing self improvement right now - I might not even be known by anyone who knows.. Maybe I'll just be a monk or something...

But even today, people on the internet have said "You're interesting - I'd really like to see more of this (Writing)". You are an amazing, interesting, smart person that has overcome a great deal of what happened in your life. Don't let depression/sadness get you down.

I was pretty sad, then happy, then sad, then happy all night - Light chemical use - But what matters is the parts of the brain that the chemicals are effecting - The parts that need to be dealt with. I always have good insights by staying up all night - It appears that you are the same way.

I had a realization today that "happiness is real". It's profound to me.

Also, be careful of letting other marketing companies or labels taking a piece of the pie. Some people take like 40% of the profit for the rest of your life. It's called "Hollywood.. Something".. I forget the name.. I have terrible memory recall after being awake for a while.

"Both acquisition and recall are functions that take place when you are awake. However, researchers believe sleep is required for consolidation of a memory, no matter the memory type. Without adequate sleep, your brain has a harder time absorbing and recalling new information. Sleep does more than help sharpen the mind."