Roll Call 201

Thanks I’ll look into it

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I’m taking maybe a month or so off from social media, including here and Facebook. I’ll be back around the holidays. I just need a break for my mental health. I’ll still be available on Facebook messenger if anyone wants to chat ever. I’ll be back on here around thanksgiving

I can’t deal with news and stuff right now on top of work anxiety and general stress and paranoia. So I’m avoiding social media for awhile and focusing on what I can control in my immediate life.

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I'm sorry if I stressed you BB =[

I don't mean to say these things.. But I let everyone know.. What is on my mind..

To fix my own mind, and help others. I barely passed for normal in school. Idk why some call me a genius when I clearly can't do things.

But I wish you a good, less stressful time (:

And all the insight is upon the rest of the group to shame me (For having no shame)... Here it seems like I'm narcissistic or something, without empathy..

I'm trying... to help. And you guys have a distaste for me.

Cuz I want to go into every dimension. I am traumatized.. But as the autist criminal millionaire friend said "I don't understand how you mention such terrible things that happened to you, with such a positive attitude"

And the things didn't sink in until later - I realized what happened, and felt 100x dysphoria of knives in my eyes and back.

But as I said, DPDR... Dissociation and anxiety feels overwhelming.. It's the most torture I've went through... So I get it..

But if you guys don't understand - Like if I have to constantly be in that state to be seen as acceptable, then I leave. As I've said, many times. But then you all say that you like me - You do not. I am too edgy. Therefore evil. And haven't read enough books - Or have been able to prioritize anything, goals etc.

Cuz I was too sensitive and autistic to handle authority, and was trapped in a basement for many years.

Speak truth please. I deserve it for possibly accidentally harming BB.



If the mods want to ban me, fine. That's their decision. But until then, I will stay - Unless you all finally speak truth about the possible things I deserve that are bad about me. A worthless, constantly lacking of self awareness, person that deserves Avoidant PD.

A heartless monster, seen by some (Of only my own interpretation).. Or just all things that I'm not.. And then, I go to other places, and it's fine.. It's like reality is a transforming machine - Or there's rooms where I go into, and perception is 100% different. My family for example sees real me - At work? No. Online? More realistic. But not here, or when I was immature.

But you all have known me when I was immature.

I'm sure it's no big deal - But I try. It's not enough though. I know that for sure. Again, sorry BB (If I am right - What matters is for you to feel safe. Forget about me, if I am accidentally causing any trouble. I don't want to harm anyone).

The trauma bonding with my moms ex made me have to literally spend days digging a waste deep trench when I was 16 to heat the garage, laughing at me the whole time. He could have just used a forklift - But wanted to save money (And made almost 200k a year), bought my mom a 999 dollar engagement ring before he won the lottery and left. He stole gasoline etc and got me to steal things from work when I didn't want to.

And the coworker is like "That was a long time ago" - My dad was like "Why did you tell him that stuff?"

I don't. Know.

I can't explain everything to people, especially when they ask me questions, and then walk away before I get the chance to answer. Then when I explain myself, the coworker says "What do you even do all day".

He asked before "What did you do after work?", and I panicked and said "I went to sleep". He laughed.. I deserve it though.

He hasn't said a word, since I threatened to leave in the middle of work, and they asked me to stay.

My dad calls me "schizo" sometimes, wants me to take my meds - Yet says "You're not schizo". I don't understand... Can I not be a shaman... I want to use my mind for good..

Edit: Anyways, it's all good - No worries..

Hey you are not evil at all. Not an ounce of you is evil. I don’t follow sometimes what you mean and sometimes I worry about you, but you’re a kind soul and you’re great to have around. No one hates you.

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Yeah Des, no one hates you or thinks you're evil. I think you're pretty great. I don't even think BB leaving was about you specifically, she's just taking a break in general which is okay. We all need breaks sometimes.

Desoxyn you didn’t do anything wrong, I just need a break in general from social media, it has nothing to do with anything you’ve posted. I just get overwhelmed and stressed sometimes by the amount of content I consume in addition to work stress and general anxiety so sometimes I need to take a step back for my mental health. I spend way too much time scrolling Facebook and other social media and want to spend more time doing things that help my mental health. I apologize if I offended you somehow, it has nothing to do with you or anything you’ve posted, it’s just my own personal problem, I spend too much time scrolling and consuming excess content which makes me stressed and spend less time on my life doing things that I want to do.



I will be back I just need a couple months to focus on my life and goals and stuff

Maybe I’ll stay on here but just stay off Facebook for a bit. That’s the one that takes up hours of scrolling. Plus I’d have no one to talk to if I wasn’t on here because my friends are here.

So yeah, they do performance reviews for every person individually periodically and said one thing I should work on is my speed at the register. Im considering quitting. Idk it’s just really fast paced and I have a hard time doing things fast and I’m afraid they’ll fire me or something and I’d rather quit than be fired. And the holidays are coming up and holiday shoppers it’s gonna be a nightmare. Idk I’m really conflicted with what to do

I feel like a failure

You’re not a failure! Sometimes things happen and the jobs aren’t a good fit. Don’t have to feel loyal to somewhere if you’re not feeling it. Don’t feel bad. We all get ****** jobs at start.

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Thanks! I am gonna try to stick it out for a little longer because I begin the talent captain role on Tuesday. So 12 hours a week will be spent doing that. Which will lessen my hours of cashiering. So I won’t have to cashier as much. And when I’m cashiering I guess I’ll work on trying to improve my speed. I’m gonna see how the next few weeks go and then maybe re-evaluate and see if I want to continue after that. I’m trying to not make any impulsive decisions and just quit randomly. Also I want a few more weeks of paychecks in savings in case I do end up quitting. Technically I won’t be cashiering at all this week. I’ll just be doing the talent captain stuff. And the following week I’ll only be doing it once for a couple hours on Sunday the 15th. The rest of the hours that week will be spent doing talent captain stuff and markdowns. I’m hoping that moving into talent captain position thing being my main default job it will make things less stressful.

I’m probably gonna do it for two more weeks. And if I feel like things are less stressful and that I can handle it and am doing better then I’ll stay but if not then I’ll just quit

Idk I’m kinda torn still though. Because like a big part of me wants to quit now because I hate it. It’s not that I hate working, it’s just I hate retail, it’s hard physically, mentally etc I also want to save myself from the disappointment of getting fired

I think this is a good plan. Retail is tough, especially around this time of year. I'm proud of you for making it this far. I wouldn't worry about being fired though--you just got promoted!

There's no such thing as failure - Unless life is a game.. Although life is everything - Philosophy, God, a circle or infinite circles (Of any quantifiable thing), illusion, dream, matter, spirit, math, music, a story, journey, love, nature, waves, self, a drug, 1's and 0's, everything, or even nothing! Meaningless (Which means there's a possibility of meaning - And it's wise to choose that - But stress and confusion build up/Like for me, identifying with nonsense and genetically seeking hedonia - Bad choice).

Some people don't want to play.. Existence always exists though - It's just being itself, existing forever (But in and out - As one) - So they become Monks, and sit in sweet silence and nothing.

Although when in nature (For a while), the mind synchronizes to balance.. So there's no computers, dopamine, celebrities, mind control, ego, hate, false information. As nature is the only "1st hand information" that we can get - Yet everything we experience is also first hand information, and can not be (Like being in someone else's dream).

Many give up, slowly over time (Through stress) - By death of a loved one or something, and they continue life.. What are we to say to that person.. And all the many things that people deal with (Physical, mental illnesses, loss of job/money, breakup/divorce, trauma, torture, etc)..

- The choices are made.. Being predetermined or free will, is an illusion.. But since we know that we are souls, we all choose God - And if we don't?, our brain neurochemistry does (As humanity as a whole) - Cuz some peoples brains work as sadist, sociopathy, evil etc.. And get pleasure - But they pay in the end (Or not) cuz the collectivity of history and much literature is being based off of religious texts, word of mouth, (Like in hunter gatherer times - As the way we learned, was to tell stories - Like yknow a monkey saying to his brother or friend etc, "We can go 10x faster than running! Imagine if we could do that.."), and objective reality is a combination of particles or energies/patterns, interacting with each other (Tree forest thing).

So since spirituality/religion came first, that determines the deep ancestral hardwired of our DNA (Which can be changed by scientific innovation, or just chance - And it's like that for some people.. Some people just have pure gifts - And the point is to share them/anything valuable with the world as "Helping others" is the best thing that anyone can do "Give to thy neighbour" or something). I have the gift of what I'm not even sure.. Cuz I'm so confused.

The way people with ADHD get bored (When there was just "Nature"), adaptively invented tools - Autist is more mathematic, logical - "Science" is for survival - And in the end, the billionaires (Money causes brain damage to lack of empathy from cognitive dissonance) will take all of the money, and want immortality, then to control people (To play God - Cuz that's the closest to God they will get/Opposite.. Satan..).

Some people just say "**** my whole life", and shoot meth into their veins, etc. I don't look at that as a bad thing - I don't think anything is truly bad idk.. But I always favour good and logic, wisdom.. I do use stimulants.. But that's cuz I don't accept being on antipsychotics, or dealing with schiz in the traditional way.

Everyone is considered really to be a failure and success - No one truly knows themselves, cuz time continues.. And nothing can be completed (Only in matter of opinion/delusion - But everything is a delusion to someone else/Cuz nothing is the same. The NOW/MOMENT is all there is. And to put your potential self, above your current self, is the most logical, while enjoying the moment/At the same time.. An illusion.. The past is there too, for good and bad.. Regret, nostalgia, learning.. And every other infinite dimension, is also the NOW
- Another illusion) - Goals reached, keep people moving forward.. I guess I just have a dysfunctional/fried dopaminergic system.. Or fried dopamine receptors. I will likely end up with Parkinson's.

Thanks! Yeah I’ll try to stick with it I guess and see how it goes. I just always worry that I’m not doing good enough, especially since I was just told to work on my speed yesterday after the review

I had my violin lesson today. It was really good.

I have tomorrow off too so I'm gonna clean my apartment thoroughly and practive violin for a couple hours, walk to the store to buy some food, read my book and play videogames. Tuesday, wednesday, and thursday I work. Then I have Friday and Saturday off. I have some appointments this week as well

I'm sorry for my previous post =[

I'm lying in bed.. and I found the explanation and cause of psychosis (Cuz my mom got mad at some asshole that chained up and neglected his dog) - I'll explain later.

The explanation is very short (Don't worry), and then this vibe in Roll Call will be cleared up.

I didn't take my olanzapine last night because I'd been feeling mad hangry on it and I feel a little elevated this AM. Been dwelling on this one night stand that went sour before I got with my most recent ex. Maybe pdoc is right and I should take a break from sexual and romantic relationships. Seems everything I touch burns to ashes.
"I get this ache, and I thought it was for sex, but it's to tear everything to fcking pieces." (from Ginger Snaps)

I gotta pick up my meds today. Stupid that I have to do the weekly bubble pack thing. Then I gotta go home and take out all the olanzapine from each bubble and swap out all the 5mg diazepams for halves of 2mgs and reseal 'em.

I hope I get into the DBT group soon. I hope I jump in at the beginning of the emotion regulation module because that's the only one I haven't done!

I haven't gone hiking in forever. I haven't even gone for a walk outside my neighborhood in forever. I want to go to the park today.

I’m not manic but I’ve been posting pictures and chatting online. Having fun. Honestly not manic fun, but actual fun. I’m an exhibitionist at heart it seems. Naughty naughty.

But yeah I found this really nice guy been chatting with. I’m getting the nerve up to go for coffee or something before anything happens.

I’m sick of being alone, honestly.

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Good day today =]

It is time that I stop drugs, and just take meds. I'll see how I do on my meds, until Friday (When I see my psychiatrist)

It's just opioid and extra stim (Which can be a problem) and mush/ket microdose (Which doesn't seem to be a problem).

But all 4x of them, won't be used.

Oops pulled an all-nighter looking at maps