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  #1  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 03:04 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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i don't know if i'm making a bigger deal out of things than they really are. just hoping someone could give me some feedback - i dont want to tell this to my pdoc and have him think i'm crazy, (lol).

i've been pretty stressed lately, and whenever i get stressed i start seeing things. flitting around in my peripheral vision. i think they are bugs and cockroaches, until i look at them properly and realise nothing is there. this last happened for about two weeks back in october when i was stressed out.

last week i was hearing things. big cracks of electricity. originally it came from the power board in my room, but eventually it settled inside my head and wouldnt stop. i guess i also 'saw' flashes of light, but my eyes were closed so i dont know what was going on there. with the hearing stuff - once when i was 16 this voice came to me from the floor. it just said hello and wanted to talk. i got really scared and told it (telepathically) to go away. it was very respectful and didnt talk to me again, but it sat there the whole night watching me with its friends.

i also used to hear lots of people inside my head. they would have conversations with each other, never with me. about mundane stuff like - how's the carpentry going? do you need more wood? here's the hammer etc.

these 'bouts' of 'whatever' usually don't last very long. maybe 1-2weeks at the most. although the voices in my head lasted maybe a month or two, but they didnt bother me because they didnt want to talk to me. i dont think they even realised i was there.

i guess what got me thinking about this was that last week i was pretty depressed, and i became convinced that people were coming to my house to take me away. or if i went shopping that they would be spying on me, making sure i kept safe or they would lock me up and stuff. it feels pretty crazy now but at the time i was convinced. but maybe it isn't crazy, because my T did send a team to my house to check if i was ok?

i dont know. this stuff is all pretty low key, i guess. nothing that has really stressed me out or anything - apart from the scary voice at 16. is this something i should be telling my pdoc about? or if it doesn't bother me is it not worth worrying about? i feel like if i say something about it, it will become a bigger deal than it really is.

sorry if i'm blowing things out of proportion. i thought it was safer to look stupid here than it was in front of my pdoc though.

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  #2  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 03:34 AM
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deliquesce,

i think you need to tell it all to your pdoc. there is nothing wrong with telling it all with him/her. just make sure that the two of you had already established rapport. remember, you need not to tell it all until you feel that it is already the right time telling it. i know exactly what youre feeling and i have talked with some people who happens to experience the same way as you do. believe me when i say that it will help you in the end. good luck and Godbless!

snowy...
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Thanks for this!
deliquesce
  #3  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 03:41 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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thank you snowflakes for your response. i guess i am wandering: is this experience 'abnormal'? something that one should tell a pdoc about? more to the point: is he going to change my diagnosis? think i have something more serious than just 'depression'?

i have been seeing my pdoc for four years. he is the best doctor in the world . i am prepared to tell him, i guess, i just want to know maybe what to expect. i don't know if these things are a bit of cause for concern or not, is all.
  #4  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 04:47 AM
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tarabug922 tarabug922 is offline
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Hi Deliquesce,

I think that you should disclose everything to your pdoc, s/he's there to help you and can only help you most effectively if s/he knows what is going on. I think you do have something more serious than depression that only a doctor can diagnose effectively. It might just be something simple but you need to figure it out before it gets worse. He may change your diagnosis or he most likely will just ask you further questions to get a feel for what it is you're going through. Seeing things and hearing things is not normal, no matter how brief a period it is. You say your doctor is really good, then that's all the more reason to tell him/her.

Love and Hugs,
Tara
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just wanted a bit of input: should i tell my pdoc?just wanted a bit of input: should i tell my pdoc?
Thanks for this!
deliquesce
  #5  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 05:24 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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thank you for your post, tarabug . i don't know why all of this has caught up with me now... i was 16 eight years ago... so it's been going on for that long at least.

pdoc never asked about it, and i guess it never bothered me enough to tell. i was really hoping (actually, had quite convinced myself) that the response here would be, "oh, that's nothing. delusions/hallucinations are a lot more serious. go away, hypochondriac". so i guess i'm a bit taken aback that ppl think it's something worth mentioning.

thank you for helping me with this. i will tell my pdoc when i see him next. do you think he will be angry that i didn't mention this before? i dont think i "hid" it from him, i just never thought it important enough to mention.
  #6  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 06:14 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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ok. just back to add: i really hope someone can come in here and say - "it's not the end of the world" or something, because right now, i really feel it is .

i was fine for these things to happen while they were happening but now i'm thinking "oh crap, i'm crazy" and i don't know how i could change like that overnight?
  #7  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 09:59 AM
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tarabug922 tarabug922 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce View Post
ok. just back to add: i really hope someone can come in here and say - "it's not the end of the world" or something, because right now, i really feel it is .

i was fine for these things to happen while they were happening but now i'm thinking "oh crap, i'm crazy" and i don't know how i could change like that overnight?

Just wanted to let you know that you're not crazy. It seems like the world is coming to an end but it is far from over. This is the begininng of a truer and deeper healing. Whatever stress is doing to you can be reversed. It's not an overnight thing either, it's been going on a while for you, you just haven't associated with it the necessary emphasis. Don't worry about your pdoc, s/he won't be angry. Just let him know you didn't think it was a problem until you started talking to other people. He'll be fine.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

You can always PM me or catch me in chat if you want to talk.
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just wanted a bit of input: should i tell my pdoc?just wanted a bit of input: should i tell my pdoc?
  #8  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 07:21 PM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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thank you, sweetie. i will print out what i have written and tell my pdoc. i hope he doesn't think it's something 'serious'. but i will tell him.

thank you also for your offer to PM or chat. i'll keep it in mind .
  #9  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 07:59 PM
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((((((((deliquesce)))))))))

i hope your doing fine right now. i am so sorry i werent able to reply yesterday. my connection yesterday was really bad... would be more than happy to help you in many ways... just pm me whenever you need someone to talk to...

take care!

snowy..
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  #10  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 08:03 PM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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snowflakes, don't be sorry!! how crap for you to have a bad net connection, i would be lost.

i tried to call my pdoc's reception to book an appt, but he is not available until feb. so i finally gave up and sent him a txt. i hope he responds soon. i hate waiting.
  #11  
Old Jan 08, 2009, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce View Post
I tried to call my pdoc's reception to book an appt, but he is not available until feb. so i finally gave up and sent him a txt. i hope he responds soon. i hate waiting.
deliquesce,

I'm glad that you are trying to get in touch with your pdoc to get an appt. asap. I've experienced those very symptoms and also didn't think to meantion them to my pdoc, but one day I just mentioned them in passing and there was a complete med change thereafter. If you think your pdoc is the best in the world, then trust him with what you're experiencing. He won't be angry, but probably relieved to get a better understanding of what you're dealing with and will be better at helping/treating you.
  #12  
Old Jan 09, 2009, 03:08 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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what kinds of med changes, if you don't mind me asking? i'm trying to figure out what to expect. thank you for not making me feel alone with my not mentioning it earlier. i'm kicking myself for never having brought it up before. i've been seeing this guy every 2-3weeks for the past four years.

at the same time...
i've been flitting today between thinking all of you guys must be good people and are just being cautious, and then thinking that maybe this really *is* abnormal. but i find that so hard to believe. surely other people get stuff like this too when they're stressed? the "psychosis" word is just so... scary and full of doom.

and if this really is bad, then wouldn't i be not functioning properly? i'm still going to work every day and doing ok. maybe not up to usual standards, but nothing my boss or co-workers have commented on.

at the same time... i'm catching myself having some bizarre beliefs. i had a dream last night (but i guess i thought it was more like a revelation) where somehow i ended up in hospital and they gave me a shot to stop the hallucinations and delusions. then the dream repeated itself, but they gave me the shot in a different area. it hurt both times, i hate needles so much.

anyway, i guess i've been thinking that the reason this is over this week and was going last week was because they gave me the shot last friday? but of course i only had it revealed to me last night. but the events took place last friday, that was the revelation.

but i know it didnt happen because last friday i went to the movies with my friends. so maybe it's still happening. but the paranoia about being followed has stopped. and i havent been hearing anything. so maybe it has stopped? are these thoughts in themselves cause for concern? are they delusional? i don't know. jesus.
  #13  
Old Jan 09, 2009, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce View Post
what kinds of med changes, if you don't mind me asking? i'm trying to figure out what to expect. thank you for not making me feel alone with my not mentioning it earlier. i'm kicking myself for never having brought it up before. i've been seeing this guy every 2-3weeks for the past four years.

at the same time...
i've been flitting today between thinking all of you guys must be good people and are just being cautious, and then thinking that maybe this really *is* abnormal. but i find that so hard to believe. surely other people get stuff like this too when they're stressed? the "psychosis" word is just so... scary and full of doom.

and if this really is bad, then wouldn't i be not functioning properly? i'm still going to work every day and doing ok. maybe not up to usual standards, but nothing my boss or co-workers have commented on.

at the same time... i'm catching myself having some bizarre beliefs. i had a dream last night (but i guess i thought it was more like a revelation) where somehow i ended up in hospital and they gave me a shot to stop the hallucinations and delusions. then the dream repeated itself, but they gave me the shot in a different area. it hurt both times, i hate needles so much.

anyway, i guess i've been thinking that the reason this is over this week and was going last week was because they gave me the shot last friday? but of course i only had it revealed to me last night. but the events took place last friday, that was the revelation.

but i know it didnt happen because last friday i went to the movies with my friends. so maybe it's still happening. but the paranoia about being followed has stopped. and i havent been hearing anything. so maybe it has stopped? are these thoughts in themselves cause for concern? are they delusional? i don't know. jesus.
You pdoc may add a med that will help you not see or hear things, think odd things or feel paranoid. For me, the addition of that type of med has made a world of difference. Sure, I still hear a low level of music in my head and see the occasional flitter, but nothing near what I was experiencing off of the med.

Were you able to get in touch with your pdoc? At the very least, I think it would be best to set up that appt anyway that was for Feb. Your pdoc can always bump it up for you to see him sooner if he feels there's a need.
Thanks for this!
deliquesce
  #14  
Old Jan 09, 2009, 07:39 PM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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is hearing music abnormal? sometimes i get a song stuck in my head... but i thought that was ok - doesn't everyone get this? sorry if my questions are stupid or insensitive... i'm just pretty confused, trying to figure out what is ok and not ok.

i wasnt able to get in touch with my pdoc. he never called back . you are right - i think i should set up that appt for Feb anyway. will stop me from worrying about when i see pdoc next.

i was on a few antipsychotics last year, but they didnt help with anything much. i still saw bugs, and had fire alarms ringing in my ears, and tetris playing in my head and silly things like that. i guess maybe there are other meds i haven't tried... i am ok with all of these weird things happening, i just want the depression to stop.

thank you so much for coming back to reply, cybermember.
  #15  
Old Jan 09, 2009, 10:07 PM
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Your questions weren't stupid or insensitive at all. Having a song stuck in your head sometimes isn't necessarily abnormal. What's considered abnormal is constant music. For me, I have a low volume of constant music. It's like there's a radio on in my head. Sometimes I get to hear songs that I haven't heard in about 20 or 30 years. It can be fun and soothing at times, but when I get stressed it's no longer any fun or soothing. The more stressed I get, the louder the music gets. And at those times the music can be deafening. For me, meds keep the volume low. I'm sure that if I were to increase my dosage the music would probably totally disappear, but I have chosen to stay at my current dosage to avoid negative side affects. Mind you, I still may have a delusion every so often or see and hear little things here and there. The key for me is to keep my level of stress to a minimum.

I'm glad to hear that you'll schedule that appointment in Feb. In the meantime, perhaps writing down key components will help as a reminder of what you've been experiencing for when you do finally get to see your pdoc.
Thanks for this!
deliquesce
  #16  
Old Jan 10, 2009, 03:24 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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thank you for explaining to me about the music. you're very patient with my questions . i'm sorry you're stuck with music, but glad that the meds help control them. i have noticed that the weird things only happen for me when i get stressed, too. otherwise i am ok.

i will probably take notes down from this thread when i go to pdoc in Feb - thank you for the idea. i know i would probably forget things otherwise. or downplay them, a lot .
  #17  
Old Jan 10, 2009, 10:54 AM
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If it's not too much trouble, would you mind posting an update after you see your pdoc? I'm curious to hear how it goes.
  #18  
Old Jan 10, 2009, 06:20 PM
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not too much trouble at all! i'll be glad to let you know how it goes. wish me luck .
  #19  
Old Jan 10, 2009, 09:34 PM
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ClinicallyClueless ClinicallyClueless is offline
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It is really important that you tell your psychiatrist. It could be any number of things from a drug side effect, depression, stress or even flashbacks.

With my PTSD, I started to have flashback in that manner which really scared me as I thought that I was starting to have some psychosis. But, it turns out as we talked that they were flashbacks. Once, I worked through that trauma they mostly stopped and were not bothersome. What a relief to just be able to tell him.
  #20  
Old Jan 11, 2009, 01:15 AM
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thanks for the support, cc. i'm glad you sorted out your flashback stuff with your doc.

my pdoc just tried to call. i knew it was him and panicked and didnt pick up the phone. i have been building myself up to tell him, but now that he is back i can't do it. i want to pretend i didnt send him that message. help!

he left a message saying he will call again tomorrow, and will make a time this week for whenever it is convenient for me to meet. oh god, i thought i could do this. i'm such an idiot. i should never have mentioned it. idiot idiot idiot deli.
  #21  
Old Jan 11, 2009, 08:10 AM
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Breathe...you will be fine talking to him. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but you will be fine. If you need to write it down first or read him what you wrote here. I often find that anticipatory anxiety is worse than the actual thing in which I am anxious.
  #22  
Old Jan 11, 2009, 04:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deliquesce View Post
thanks for the support, cc. i'm glad you sorted out your flashback stuff with your doc.

my pdoc just tried to call. i knew it was him and panicked and didnt pick up the phone. i have been building myself up to tell him, but now that he is back i can't do it. i want to pretend i didnt send him that message. help!

he left a message saying he will call again tomorrow, and will make a time this week for whenever it is convenient for me to meet. oh god, i thought i could do this. i'm such an idiot. i should never have mentioned it. idiot idiot idiot deli.
You can do this. And you're not an idiot. Your pdoc needs to know what you've been experiencing. Tomorrow when he calls, pick up the phone and briefly explain what you've been experiencing and say that you thought he should know. Simple as that. He may ask you to elaborate more on some of your experiences so he can get a better idea what's going on, and if so, just fill him in. You don't have to go all out in therapy mode when you tell him. Just briefly explain. I can't say enough how important it is for you to be upfront with your pdoc.

You can do this. I know you can.
  #23  
Old Jan 12, 2009, 02:47 AM
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pdoc didnt call today. the wait for his call was driving me crazy, so i finally called and left a voicemail. he will hopefully call me back tomorrow.

thank you both so much for your support. i'm going to spend tonight writing down the things i need to say to him and ask, because it's been a month since i've seen him last and so many things have changed.

cc - my T said that to me the last time i saw him! anticipatory anxiety is worse... thank you for saying that. it makes me feel more in control.

cybermember - thank you for the hugs. i will probably see him this week, so i guess i can take all the time in the world, lol.

i am still in 2 mind about all of this. one of my big fears is that i will tell him everything and he will think i'm crazy (lol!!) because i am overreacting to something completely normal. or he'll think i'm crazy because i'm hallucinating. hmmm... catch 22 .
  #24  
Old Jan 12, 2009, 06:45 AM
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ClinicallyClueless ClinicallyClueless is offline
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I'm glad that helped. Writing it down will be really good. I hope that it will also give you some perspective, so you are not so anxious. Catch 22...seems more like "I'm bad" no matter what happens. Whatever it is, it just is and is treatable. Believe me, I'm sure he has had patients who were quite bad off and unable to find reality at all. You have to get pretty sick to "scare" a psychiatrist. And, I know you are not that sick; otherwise, you couldn't write or make such insightful encouraging comments here.
Thanks for this!
deliquesce
  #25  
Old Jan 13, 2009, 03:40 AM
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deliquesce deliquesce is offline
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cc - you're an absolute sweety. thank you for your post .

i saw pdoc today - he called and was able to give me an appt after work. of course the first thing he asked about was the voices/seeing stuff (i had mentioned it to him in a txt, on your guys advice) and i asked him if we could ignore it. he said "of course" and then gently started digging for more info . so it all came out in the end.

was it you cybermember who said they were experiencing ptsd symptoms that were similar? pdoc initially thought that it could be pseudo-hallucinations connected with my trauma, but when we went through what the actual hallucinations were, he agreed that it was unlikely that they were flashbacks/somehow connected to trauma.

he did say that he thinks if i didn't have ptsd, i wouldn't be having these hallucinations - he thinks it's an atypical symptom of all the stress i've been through. also, i used to have really bad migraines with visual aura (that also happened only when i got stressed) - so he said it's quite possible that it was linked.

he said he is 100% certain that i am not developing a psychosis/some form of schizophrenia. i really needed to hear that. he said if it happens again, just to take some of my anti-psychotic and go to bed (the anti-psychotic always knocks me out), but that if i was ok with it happening, just to soldier on and make sure i got rest as soon as possible.

i'm glad you guys encouraged me to be open with my pdoc. it is a huge weight of worry lifted off me.
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