[KeepHoldingOn]

If I only knew back then what I do now I wouldn’t have started. I’m so tired of hiding the pain I hold within. The more I suffer the better it feels and the worse guilt I feel afterwards. It almost feels like the friends I have that know about my SI and see the scars just don’t know what to do or don’t confront me about it at all. I started going to therapy again but I don’t know anymore. Therapy is most definitely not helping me at all and I’m thinking about giving up. I SI’d for the first time in two weeks. I went two weeks and then gave in today.

[puzzclar]

I think in someway, we think alike. Becuase I had SI'd as well, but that is in the past now, and we can both move on, and continue on the path to not doing it at all. I congradualte you for going to therapy, even if it doesn't seem like it is helping, it does in some way, and hopefully things will improve. I understand the Gulit as well, since I feel Guilty for not telling those I love. But things will improve, someday.

I wish I knew how to help.I quit after a threat from hubby that he'd leave.It is addictive.At its worst I had 72 stitches.You can see the scars on my arm...it is now embarrassing.

[KeepHoldingOn]

Guilt is building up and I want to so badly.

[Emotionally Dead]

Just reading this makes me want to relapse... I have had such a hard day and now it seems like that would just feel so good.. However, I learn to control it. I have not SI'ed in a little over a year now. I am so much happier that I don't have to hide the scars. You can still see them if you look close, but they are not as visible as fresh ones. I don't know what to tell you, other than it doesn't solve anything.. No one could help me with my problem, I just had to tell myself that I couldn't keep doing it. I guess what really drove me from it was that the last time I did it, I nearly passed out. I thought I would have to go to the Hospital because I had so many cuts that were gushing blood. I did not feel any pain while it was happening, and it in fact felt great. Until after the fact. I had pain for the next week, and on. I couldn't get the pain to stop, it was like I was being punished for punishing myself. It kept me from doing it again, so that I didn't feel the pain the next week after, and so that I didn't have to hide the scars so much. Now I can wear short sleeve t shirts and most of the time no one notices. A few have, and if they ask I am not afraid to tell them, because I now know that I gave that up and am a better person because of it. I wish the best for you. Two weeks is progress, I could barely go a day without doing it before. You can do it, I have faith in you. Now that you feel the guilt that I knew so well when I did it, you can turn that guilt into anger and into passion. Use it so that next time you are talking about your SI, you can say that you have not done it in over a year, not just two weeks. Think about that, and it feels good. Take care buddy.

[KeepHoldingOn]

Thank you for your kind words and your touching story. It has inspired me. Congrats on going that long without it, that is such a huge accomplishment.

I think I just need someone to tell me it’s alright to slip up. Everyone acts like it’s such a big deal, it’s so terrible but it’s a process, one that I haven’t mastered yet. I know I have my work cut out for me (no pun intended) and I’m not sure if I can do it but I have nothing to lose. Every time I try to go without it I slip up and then it’s one major relapse that lasts a month or so. Then I can maybe go a week without, and then the cycle repeats.

[Emotionally Dead]

There is nothing wrong with it. An addiction (which SI is a part of in my opinion) takes time, it takes a lot of practice. Like I said, shoot for something higher each time. You lasted two weeks, last a month next time. Three months after that. I did that for a while. I lasted two months once and relapsed. It was the worse feeling ever, and also when I did it so bad as stated above. That's when I realized it wasn't worth it. I wanted to prove to myself that I could go even longer. Now here I am at a year and two months and it just keeps adding up, and now I KNOW that I can go without it, even if it's hard.

[KeepHoldingOn]

I’ve just gotten this "all or nothing” attitude over time. It’s almost “why bother?” at times.

[Emotionally Dead]

Don't ever let yourself feel that way, because when you do THAT'S when you never stop. It is hard sometimes, the thought of it still gives me chills and like I said, it does make me want to relapse. The memories of it will last forever, for both of us. For me, it's a memory that is still so real, but a memory I am not afraid of anymore. It's something we have to beat. I was able to beat it, and trust me, if I can ANYONE can. Don't get mad at yourself when you relapse, it's going to happen. I haven't met anyone who could quit cold turkey. You'll be able to do it. The best thing to do is not think about it. When you're feeling the triggers try to do something else. Listen to some music, close your eyes and imagine something you really enjoy (besides that, of course), anything that can get your mind off of it. I know it's hard buddy, but you can do it. I know you can. Just never tell yourself it's all or nothing. Give it time. You have to work on it in your own mind and tell your own self that it will be alright, but when you fall down you get back up. That's all you have to do, and it's good to turn all of the guilt and emotions into goals. That's what I was able to do and I really hope it works out for you. If you ever need to talk more about it, you can PM me. I am very open about it now that it's been so long since I've done it. One day you will be me talking to other people trying to show them that it's going to be OK and that they will be able to stop it too. I promise .

[KeepHoldingOn]

Unfortunately it had gotten bad. I use that excuse all the time, hoping something will change, that I’ll magically get better. That obviously will not happen. That memory for me is still so real, it’s reality. For me those triggers have gotten harder and harder to deal with. I used to be able to distract myself completely and avoid all slip ups. Now, I’m not so fortunate. I’ve always avoided goals simply because I never reach them and get even more down on myself.

I hope one day I can be the one telling my story, but until then it it unwritten and the struggles still continue. (It’s hard to stay motivated at times)
Thanks for that offer, it means a lot.

-Iz

Keepersh I will enjoy you as always whether or not you slip up.I do how ever want to say to think back to when you were a wee girl.....the innocence and joy...before the darkness of this planet overtook your innocence.Now imagine you are the 'now you' ....and little you is in your care.What would you feel as big you looking down at little you and seeing the pain of this life on little yous arms?.....Would you hold her?Say...you are safe darling girl?...Would you wipe her lil tears and hold her safe till she cried it out and lost the feeling of wanting to S.I.?.....I will never stand in judgement or feel disappointed if you do it....But I will think...oh...if I could hold her,and rock her,or distract her...I would.LIL KEEPERSH....I am holding you in the safest of ways.((((((((((keepersh)))))))))....~WOolf~Can you switch roles and give you a hug...and say things to self that you didn't hear as a child? May angels wrap you within the safety of their wings~

[KeepHoldingOn]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

Keepersh I will enjoy you as always whether or not you slip up.I do how ever want to say to think back to when you were a wee girl.....the innocence and joy...before the darkness of this planet overtook your innocence.Now imagine you are the 'now you' ....and little you is in your care.What would you feel as big you looking down at little you and seeing the pain of this life on little yous arms?.....Would you hold her?Say...you are safe darling girl?...Would you wipe her lil tears and hold her safe till she cried it out and lost the feeling of wanting to S.I.?.....I will never stand in judgement or feel disappointed if you do it....But I will think...oh...if I could hold her,and rock her,or distract her...I would.LIL KEEPERSH....I am holding you in the safest of ways.((((((((((keepersh)))))))))....~WOolf~Can you switch roles and give you a hug...and say things to self that you didn't hear as a child? May angels wrap you within the safety of their wings~

I wish I could say I was innocent. That innocence was lost so early in life. I would hold and take care of her as best as I could. I wouldn’t know where to start, what to say to myself truthfully. There are so many things that weren’t said when I was young.

Little keep....young girls don't deserve to be hurt,or to be made to feel unsafe.Little keep,you are good,and innocent,and unique,and worthy of safe love,and valued,..........as are all children.You are valuable,important,and worthy of protection...always.~W

[KeepHoldingOn]

Obviously I never deserved it because I never got that same treatment.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

Obviously I never deserved it because I never got that same treatment.

I hope you are saying you never deserved the treatment you got - cos thats true - children deserve to be loved the right way - to be protected and cared for and if that doesnt happen - especiallly formthose that should be protecting them - thenit is NOT the childs fault - NEVER EVER the childs fault

you are strong because you are here - you fell down and SI'd but that happens - you went two weeks without doing that and that is marvellous - celebrate your success

With the goal setting - perhaps you are setting your goals too high - one of mine was to stop SI NOW! lol that didnt happen and i beat myself up constantly about it and told myself how bad i was for slipping - but the truth is we are all human and we al slip and fall - but as long as you get up again and start again - there is no shame in that -

its a long journey and not an easy one and often we ask too much too soon of ourselves - please try not to hurt yourself - you are deserving of better times and happiness

stay safe

P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

Obviously I never deserved it because I never got that same treatment.

No, no, this isn't why you didn't get the treatment that you deserved! You didn't get the treatment that you deserved because your parents had issues that they never took care of. You were an innocent bystander.

[KeepHoldingOn]

It was definitely a hard two weeks.

what if it was my fault?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

what if it was my fault?

Wouldn't it be best to figure out the truth of this statement before you worry about anything else about it?

[KeepHoldingOn]

I suppose.

Had a good t appt but still haven’t gotten to admitting a couple of things.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

Had a good t appt but still haven’t gotten to admitting a couple of things.

Hey, good appt. is good enough. Change is gradual.

[KeepHoldingOn]

I’m just finding it absolutely pathetic and frustrating that the only people I can talk to about my SI are people here and one friend irl who used to do it.

[Sannah]

So what will it take for you to be able to talk to your therapist about SI?

[KeepHoldingOn]

I’m finding it hard to build relationships with anyone. I feel like I’m hiding this from people that deserve to know but I don’t think they can handle it at all. I don’t know how they’ll react ( mean people other than my t). As for my T I don’t know what or when I’ll mention it. I know she’s seen scars but she’s never asked or judged.

[Sannah]

So you want to share it with more people than just your therapist? With these other people, how have they handled other things that you have told them?

[KeepHoldingOn]

I feel like some of my close friends that really care about me deserve to know. I don’t want to lose them by telling them about how I deliberately hurt myself.

Other things I have told them. Hmm... They’ve taken things er a bit harshly, they have strong emotions about things.