[PlanningtoLive]

I got back today after seeing my T. I saw a report that he sent in to the state for my disability paperwork and I read all about "me". I got so upset seeing on paper what a screwed up mess I am emotionally.

I was in his office longer than usual today, almost an extra hour. He was trying to get me to use alternative ways of releasing my anxiety like taking a walk, etc. He doesn't seem to understand that I have no real wish to prolong my life or have a "healthier life"........the motivation to live is gone. I exist on a day to day basis trying not to let the darkness take over completely.

On the outside, I look so together. It is funny really. To look at me, no one would ever believe what goes on in my head. I decided I would try his suggestion and go for a walk when I came back to the hotel.

My husband had added to my stress by yelling and screaming at me because I was there with my T longer than my "scheduled appt". Then he yells because I went to the store and ended up staying and helping with a few things. It was "you weren't scheduled to work, so why were you there?"

I stopped at Walgreens, found out my pdoc wouldn't authorize a refill on one of my meds for my leg and decided to purchase a small knife. I had given my other one to the officers last month.

Anyway, I got back here and could just feel the tension and stress levels rising. I walked to get my dinner and walked back. Sat down at the computer, picked up the knife and just sliced away at my arm.

I filled a napkin with blood and now stupidly I realize that this will be seen at work tomorrow. The "cat" excuse will work this time.........[sigh].

I made two long cuts down my arm, two across the wrist and one across my fingertip. All I want to do is cut more. I called my T's answering service and asked them to get ahold of him and ask him to read his email. I had sent one to him telling him what I had done.

My answer was to focus on ways of releasing or distracting that feeling by taking a walk, reading, etc. And that self-destruction is not good.

Unfortunately, like I told him today.......I cut and bruise myself because I can't do what I want to do - my stupid promise to him. It is getting so incredibly difficult. I told him that I will try it again - that I can guarantee him, it's just a matter of when.

I was never supposed to see my birthday Monday. If he would just release me from my promise, before I break it, it would be so much better. I am trying so hard for his sake, not to break my word.

All the distractions in the world will not stop the urge to SI - only the release of doing it makes me feel better. Geez my arm looks horrible now. Maybe I'll wear a long sleeve shirt tomorrow.

I so need to talk to my T. I keep willing my cell to ring, for him to know that I need his calmness right now. But he is not about to call me at this time of night. He is the only one that has the ability to get me to focus and to calm down.

I feel myself shaking and the anxiety is building. There is no rational reason for these feelings. That crawly feeling with my nerves is there and I just want to break everything all around me.

It's going to be a very long night.

Mary Alice

[Zenobia]

I like to break things when that feeling comes around. It is like an anger but I can't place where the anger comes from. I feel all jittery and anything happening around me crawls up my nerves and makes me want to screem. When I was in the hospital the nurse suggested that I get some tiles from the hardware store and use a hammer to break them and then glue them into designs on a piece of wood. Sounds like a lovely idea but I have never tried it. Wouldn't it be nice if something like that would work. Perhaps it is the fact that it could work that keeps me from trying it because I crave that craziness and part of me doesn't want it to go away.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Peanut61]

Hi (((((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))))))...

One thing I wanted to mention is that in order for you to qualify for disability, your T would have to paint the picture in the most drastic of terms, even though it's not likely that that's the way he views you on a day to day basis, so that the technical diagnostic criteria are met, chapter and verse. I know it's still very hard to read those reports, but it's important to remember that they are written for the expressed purpose of trying to get a specific result from the State...

Hang in there, my friend = thinking of you... XOXO, Jill

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heidu]

Wish I could do more than just send a hug. Sighs.
Well, here's a really big warm caring hug for you. I hope it helps somehow.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Has he called you yet??? I hope you are better today, as much as possible.

Destroying something other than yourself can help sometimes, especially if it requires hard work to do it. I feel bad about it now, but one thing I did in the past was dug up a couple of shrubs from the garden (I didn't particularly like them and wanted to plant something else there) and chopped them up into little pieces. But thinking back about how I violently killed something like that, because of my own anger, bothers me. I don't like that side of me and would rather turn those feelings against myself. Sometimes it is possible to channel it into something productive, like weeding, but it still isn't quite as good. Maybe you can find something you could destroy and not feel bad about?

I'm supposed to go for walks too, but I'm not likely to think of that as an alternative if I want to cut. Making it a habit generally improves my moods. I think that walking would be a good thing for you.

Sorry your husband is such a jerk.

Please take care of yourself. I worry about you.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[ltlredvett]

Mary Alice....

God knows that I can realte to you having lost the desire. Like you I live day to day with little hope for my future. My lost hope revolves around a whole series of bad decisions that has turned my life into a living hell. This compounded with the shame and guilt of my own actions.

Unlike you I was never into self injury. When my life got out of control, or when I was stressed out, I sought out sexual encounters. Guess I chose pleasure over pain. But, in the end it was not pleasure at all, it was a pain that is deep and even though it didn't leave physical scars as in your case the mental and emotional scars are deep, raw and open.

Like you, I present myself fairly well. Although, at times I know I am starting to let myself go.

You rhusband sounds like he needs a severe attitude adjustment, he is certainly not helping you.

I am so sorry for your pain. You are a sweet person and did not deserve this.

[PlanningtoLive]

Thank you for all the replies. I would normally answer each one individually, but today was even more worse than yesterday and I simply don't have it in me.

I slept very little last night. I called my T today and get this: a new rule has cropped up. According to "policy", if I have already harmed myself, he can't talk to me for 24 hours - supposedly talking to someone AFTER they do it encourages them to do it again, or more.

What a bunch of garbage. I said then if I take an overdose and call you for help, you won't talk to me?? His reply was that he would call an ambulance, but that is all. The "idea" is for me to call him BEFORE I SI so that "we can work through these problems and divert them". I feel like I am being punished.

It finally dawned on me today what a total idiot I have been with my T. He is not my friend in any way. He is like everyone else and there is a line that must not be crossed. Of course he wants me to come in for our appts. because then I'm important......but when I leave and hurt myself, I no longer am. He had the silliness to ask me if I was ok and how I was feeling about this rule......like he really cared. Like I told him, my feeling is irrelevant and wouldn't change anything.

I hung up the phone (while at work, no less) and just cried. I couldn't stop - the hurt was so bad. What a fool I have been to think that we were friends as well as doctor/patient. This hurts worse than anything that has been done to me before. I have been so incredibly naive........you would think I would have known better than to care that much.

It gets better......I called his office back to say good-bye to one of the people that work up at his front desk. The guy is switching depts and it is his last day there. I have seen this man for over 2 years and have talked to him. When I called to wish him good luck, I started crying and venting to him and said how stupid I was and that my T had really hurt me and that I might not be back.

This guy actually called someone in patient relations so that I could file a complaint against my T if I wanted to. I refused to even discuss it with her.

Then my back surgeon called with the results from last week - one of the screws in my back is not aligned properly - and yes, it is more than likely putting pressure on my nerves. He is worried about the amount and ease I have in bruising lately - I have some that just showed up without any reason at all. He thinks there may be an issue with my blood.

Now I get to see my pdoc and have blood tests done, then when my surgeon gets the report, he will schedule some type of spinal injection that hopefully will deaden the nerve in my leg that is being pushed against. That may, or may not, work and for how long is a toss up. If it does not work, I get to go back into surgery and have him move/fix this screw.

Can my life get any better??? No wonder I want to die. I am sitting here in tears over this thing with my T, worrying about these blood tests next week, the spinal thing in 2 weeks, and how not to lose my job...........and fighting the urge to cut more severely or simply break my promise.

I will not ever call or bother my T again. Whether I go to see him next week depends on my state of mind. I am trying so hard to shut down the emotions because it hurts so much and not doing very well with that. It's like a raw wound that just keeps bleeding. I never thought I would let someone get that close to me, and I did without realizing it.

I just got off the phone with him and if anything it hurts even more......he still believes it is in my best interests not to talk to me right after I hurt myself. Am I the only one that fails to see the logic in this?

I tried telling him that it makes me feel like I am not important afterwards, only before hand. As usual, what I feel doesn't matter because this what HE believes. I can't stop crying, I can't stop the pain inside.

If I don't even matter to the one person that I thought cared, what is the point? I haven't felt this much raw pain in so long, that I don't know how to deal with it.....how to make it stop without hurting myself. I have just lost my best friend - the one person who knew me for me and still cared, or so I thought.

I might be gone for awhile, so if I am, don't worry. I either need to stop this pain or finish what I should have before.

Please, please don't worry.

Mary Alice

[forgoten]

((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Please call someone to help you. You must not be alone. We love you and we care.

forgoten

[Peanut61]

We will worry, (((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))), because we do care, and don't want anything bad to happen to you....

XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

Sometimes, therapists do things that we don't understand but it's for our own good, I believe. You're right, the logic of not talking to you escapes me.

You must be hurting so bad right now! Wish there was something I could say or do to ease it. Please don't... just please don't!!

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>



<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[somebodyelse]

(((((Mary Alice)))))

I've heard of the 24-hour rule before. I think that I read about it in the book, "Cutting". Supposedly, it is to encourage the cutter to resist the urge to cut, knowing that the therapist will then be unavailable for 24 hours afterward. It sounds to me like your T really is trying to help you, even though it is painful. I'm sure that his refusal to talk to you about it is no reflection of the degree of concern that he feels for you.

Please, please realize that there are people here who care very much about you. You have more than just your therapist to help you. Please don't do anything that cannot be undone.

Julie

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

We are always here for you, no matter what. You have real friends - please don't forget about us! I really care about you.

I've heard of the 24 hour rule before too, and I understood it the way Julie explained it. The idea is that if you cut, and then call your T and get sympathy, you are reinforced for cutting, which is not what they want to happen. If you call before, or instead of cutting, then they have the chance to help you not to hurt yourself. One way I have seen it explained is that if you cut, then you have already chosen that coping method instead of the privilege of talking to your T. I can see how it is supposed to work, but I wouldn't like it either.

I think it must be for similar reasons that my T doesn't respond when I have written to him and told him that I cut myself. Even though he has said he doesn't have anything against SI, and that it's okay if I never give it up, he still isn't willing to reinforce it.

I know, just what you need to have the back problems on top of all this. You can get through it though. You are so much stronger than you know.

Please hang on, just for one more day, and then another, and so forth. Things will get better. Do you know how much I wish that I could be there with you and really help you?

Love,
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[somebody]

((((((Mary Alice))))))
I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. I wish I could say something to make you feel better...

One thing I do know is that your T must have some feelings for your well being or he wouldn't allow you to call him at all. He just wants you to see that he is needed before you do something to hurt yourself.

My therapist will see and talk to me the next day, ( unless of course it is day time and I call him to talk to him at the office...if he is out for the day for get me talkng to him) if I am having a bad time and want to hurt myself I have to call the crisis line and talk to someone that don't even know me. The only thing he did for me was put in a "hot sheet" which makes it so they don't call the police on me to take me to the hospital...they will just talk me through my crisis at that time. My T knows me and knows I can say the right things to keep me out of the hospital.

Please think about calling him before you want to harm yourself... that is the only thing he is requesting from you...it really does make sense...he will be more then willing to talk you through the crisis you are having at that moment... tell him how badly you want to cut but didn't..that is what he wants to hear...that you didn't harm yourself...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

somebody

[Zenobia]

I agree with the last couple of posts. It isn't because your T doesn't care, it is because he does care and doesn't want to reinforce the cutting.

Here I am going to play devils advocate, be warned!:
I totally understand the thinking he was your friend. I fight this feeling all the time. Sometimes I fall in love with my T then have to reallign my brain again to remember that, no we don't have a relationship other then patient/doctor. My T has severely limited his availibility to me because he does not want me to develop an over reliance on him. I can leave messages on his voice mail during office hours and he will call back if I ask specifically for him to do so. My other option is to write to him. It is not because he doesn't care about me, it is because he lives his life in the middle of everyone else's trauma. He needs to be able to have time when he doesn't have to worry about me or his kajillion other patients. This is healthy behavior on his part because it saves him from burning out and makes it possible for him to care for us longer. But I believe he truely does care what happens to us. And yes, I have hated his guts many times.

I just hope that this note finds you feeling a least a wee bit better. You are in my thoughts dear one.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[somebodyelse]

Mary Alice, could you please post something to let us know how you're doing this morning?

(((((((Mary Alice))))))))

Julie

[PlanningtoLive]

I have ordered that book, Somebody, and hopefully will have it this week. I need to understand why he would do this to me, yet still claim to care.

My concern is that it is too late, that I have blocked all emotion so quickly that it won't matter if that really is the reason.

Thank you for mentioning that book.

I wish I could do what I want, but <shrug> who knows what may happen and when.

Mary Alice