Trying

KeepHoldingOn · Dec 05, 2010, 12:57 AM

I’ve been clean for 3 or so days now and I’m not sure how long I’m going to last. The withdrawal is absolutely terrible but I’m still trying. I’m trying to stay positive but it’s so hard. Any ideas on how I can stay in it and not feel the need to give in? I’ve tried so many things but when I get triggered I can’t stop myself as often as I would like.

As of now I want to give in not because I’m triggered at all, but because I want to feel better physically. My hands have been shaky for days on end, I feel sick to my stomach, and I’ve been really on edge. I know not giving in will be better, but I can’t help but want to.

Skully · Dec 05, 2010, 08:06 AM

Great job on staying away for 3 days now!!!

Maybe when the urges get to strong you could try going for a walk? If you live in a town or city, you will be less likely to SI around people. So maybe going for a walk around other people will help? Just taking a stab here.

I know running helps me a lot. It gives me a chance to really think about my life and my illness and urges and I have the time to work through issues cause lets face it, by the time you run 2 miles, it gets kind of boring so I have to keep my mind occupied somehow lol.

puzzclar · Dec 05, 2010, 07:45 PM

3 days is GREAT!!! Let's just get you to day 4. I have found that one day at a time. One step at a time is the best way to start. And if you find your mind wandering in a direction you don't want it to go, then use this. STOP, THINK, RE-act. Just try to shut down your mind on what you were thinking of and move on to something else. like.... a song or a movie.... a good book.... someone special.... just something that brings you great JOY. Try to find that and it will help. Joy is needed around here, and to be happy helps a lot too.

Or try a PUZZLE!!!

Sannah · Dec 06, 2010, 12:46 AM

Therapy is the only sure way of really working through your issues and to get rid of your urges.

KeepHoldingOn · Dec 28, 2010, 02:43 AM

You’ll be glad to know I’ve been going then. Things haven’t gotten much better yet but I’m hoping for the best. Everything is just so stressful right now.

Dec 28, 2010, 05:59 PM

Hello, Liz. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Sannah · Dec 28, 2010, 08:11 PM

So glad to hear that you have been going to therapy!

puzzclar · Dec 29, 2010, 03:07 PM

I know about the stress. That's my life. But you are one step ahead of me. I hope you are doing well.

KeepHoldingOn · Dec 30, 2010, 12:55 AM

Thank you all for your kindness and support, it really means a lot.

Byz: Thank you so much, it means more than you know.

Sannah: I have been taking it day by day so progress is hard to spot right now but perhaps in the future it will make a difference. I feel like I can’t tell her anything yet. I get too embarrassed to talk about anything related to SI. I guess that will come with time as well. I’m trying but it’s hard. Everything is falling apart, I feel so small and weak, like nothing I do matters. I feel helpless, like the walls are caving in, suffocating me as I try to gasp for air. I’m trying to hope for the best but I’m expecting the worst. I’m starting to think that only I can’t do it, like everyone else is capable of getting help and stopping but me.

Puzz: I hope you are able to overcome all that stands in your way. Recovery is possible, being free of SI and the things that control us can happen. Keep on trying, take things slowly and keep your head up. I will be here if you ever need me.

Sannah · Dec 30, 2010, 09:18 PM

Yes, KHO, one day at a time is good. First things first - get more comfortable in therapy, etc. and eventually you will get to the SI. Good work for continuing to go to therapy!

KeepHoldingOn · Jan 01, 2011, 12:14 AM

I gave in

I couldn’t stand it anymore....

Sannah · Jan 01, 2011, 12:26 PM

puzzclar · Jan 03, 2011, 12:09 AM

New year, maybe it will be a change in us. But no Resolution. make it a Goal. something that is Achevable.

KeepHoldingOn · Jan 05, 2011, 01:30 AM

I’m trying but it’s just so hard. I’m trying to resist, trying to stay strong, trying to act like I’m okay when I’m around other people but I just can’t do it now. I can’t resist much longer, I want to so badly... It’s tearing me apart.

RunningEagleRuns · Jan 05, 2011, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yes, KHO, one day at a time is good. First things first - get more comfortable in therapy, etc. and eventually you will get to the SI. Good work for continuing to go to therapy!

Drink good tea, it tastes extremely healthy. Or work out, you'll feel healthier then too. Good luck!

Sannah · Jan 05, 2011, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

trying to act like I’m okay when I’m around other people but I just can’t do it now.

This ^ is a difficult thing to do. Can you alter your plan with this? Are you still going to therapy?

KeepHoldingOn · Jan 17, 2011, 03:49 AM

I’m sorry it has taken this long to respond, I haven’t been on much and when I have been on, I haven’t dared to venture into this part of the forums.

Normally, acting like I’m okay around other people is easy for me, as I have years of practice doing just that. I was at a breaking point to say the least. After a week or so of reflection I have come to realize several things.

1: Acting like I am okay is all I really know. It has been my response to every hardship I have faced in my life, having never been told it is okay to feel or express any emotions at all.

2: That no matter what I still have myself. Trust in myself can lead to being able to trust others. If I am confident and trust myself, then it will be easier to open up to the help that is being offered to me.

3. That sometimes forgiveness should not even be considered, some things should be left unsaid, and some problems left alone. I got rid of the person who caused me such hurt. It is not in my nature to forgive and forget, perhaps that is best for now. I do not wish to seek closure, only make sure that she does not end up in my life again.

4. I have been struggling with SI for so long and it is tiring me out. I’m trying, but obviously not hard enough. I’m not even sure if I can be happy again. I’m starting to think that I should just suck it up and deal with everything. It’s not like it matters much. I feel like I’m wasting my life trying to get rid of something that I never will be able to stop.

To answer your question, yes I am still in therapy. It is harder to find time to go, and when I do it doesn’t really seem worth it.

Sannah · Jan 17, 2011, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

1: Acting like I am okay is all I really know. It has been my response to every hardship I have faced in my life, having never been told it is okay to feel or express any emotions at all.

2: That no matter what I still have myself. Trust in myself can lead to being able to trust others. If I am confident and trust myself, then it will be easier to open up to the help that is being offered to me.

3. That sometimes forgiveness should not even be considered, some things should be left unsaid, and some problems left alone. I got rid of the person who caused me such hurt. It is not in my nature to forgive and forget, perhaps that is best for now. I do not wish to seek closure, only make sure that she does not end up in my life again.

Very good awareness/thinking!

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

I feel like I’m wasting my life trying to get rid of something that I never will be able to stop.

People do stop SI and other addictions. To do so a person needs to work through what the issues are which are causing the urges.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

yes I am still in therapy. It is harder to find time to go, and when I do it doesn’t really seem worth it.

Why doesn't it seem worth it?

KeepHoldingOn · Jan 28, 2011, 11:42 PM

All of the stress is killing me. I’m in therapy and trying but nothing seems to help anymore. My SI is worse than ever before. I don’t know what to do. I lie to friends, my family doesn’t give a ****, my roommates are drunk all of the time and I don’t have the money to move out quite yet. Every time things seem to be better they just get worse and worse. I don’t know why I’m even still alive anymore. I’m surprised I have survived this long. I’m back to drinking and SI both. I know I can’t keep living like this but it is all I know.

Sannah · Jan 29, 2011, 11:07 AM

Is therapy making things worse (you know how digging into this stuff at first makes things worse temporarily)?

puzzclar · Jan 31, 2011, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeepHoldingOn

I know I can’t keep living like this but it is all I know.

I hate to tell you, but before all the Mental stuff started back when you were young, You knew somethings that were healthy for you, You KNEW something besides this, and can change life. Just keep on trying to get help. and if things get bad, then call a crisis line. I called one day, and I'm glad I did. Even though I was in the Hospital for like 5.5 days, it really did me a lot of good. Just keep on going, things will get better. They always do. Just keep your head up.

Keep us posted.

KeepHoldingOn · Feb 02, 2011, 03:55 AM

Sannah: I’m just sick of it, to tell you the truth I don’t know how much more I can really take. I’m so stressed and boxed in, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve gotten to the point where it has to be deep, which ends up leaving terrible scars. I can’t stop it though. Nothing helps. Therapy doesn’t help at all.

Puzz: I don’t know anymore. I’ve never considered calling a crisis line. I guess it never really appealed to me. I figured it would give me more trouble than help. Hospitalization is not an option for me right now, I can’t afford it nor can I stand to be help up in an institution for however long pretending to be better.

Sannah · Feb 02, 2011, 11:56 AM

What are you working on in therapy right now?

KeepHoldingOn · Feb 03, 2011, 11:21 PM

Talking through family issues

Sannah · Feb 04, 2011, 02:51 PM

Any progress on this?

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