Everyone............

It seems that I need to fill in a few blanks as to why I have not been posting - "need to" meaning that some people that care about my welfare have wanted to know how I am, etc. and I can't continue ignoring the questions any longer. It's kind of a one-time shot here, although I am usually always lurking around.

For the last month I have been getting progressively more depressed, losing control of my emotions and actions, becoming paranoid/insecure even more than usual, and have been harming myself continously.

Cutting myself has encouraged the depression immensely. I can not even begin to describe the number, amount, and severity of the scars/cuts that I have. "Horrifying" doesn't make a dent. Unfortunately I lost control and harmed my left arm badly about two weeks ago. I had seen my T and before I left the building, I cut.......

The blood was so bad that I went back to his office hoping to get a bandage and antiseptic. The nurses went and bothered him in his next appt. to come out and see me. There I was, with blood dripping down my arm onto the floor.

He tried giving me some stuff but he didn't really have the necessary things in his office. I called my pdoc and he fit me in right away. My pdoc was in shock when I took off my coat and he saw what I had done. I showed him my thighs as well and he just closed his eyes and sat there.

My pdoc bandaged it up and put ointment on them. Now there are about 19 scars on my arm......my legs, forget it, way too many.

I am not controlling my temper these days either - throwing things and destroying whatever I can find. The other day it was a coffee mug at my husband as he left the house......it went whizzing by him and shattered against the door. I was so upset and shaking afterwards.

I realized that I needed some assistance and saw my pdoc yesterday. He is trying me on Valium, 2mg., for awhile in addition to the Effexor.....as needed. Gave me 20 to start with..

I have been in constant contact with my T, esp over the last weekend - I was so on the verge and he kept me going and alive. I don't know what I would do without him, really. He even wants to call me on his xmas holiday vacation to check on me - told me that today.

I have no desire to do anything these days. I stay at work where I am safe most of the time - if I am alone, I am frightened. I booked my son's b-day party where I work - he is very excited, it will be his first b-day party ever. It gives me an excuse to work longer hours and hide out.

Saw my T today and it went very badly. My next appt with him is next month, and I told him that I probably won't be there. I have been doing my juggling act at home and work - getting harder to handle.

I want to thank everyone for their PMs and for caring. I wanted to explain generically and this was the best way. I appreciate the concern, and the love/support that I know is here.

Doc John - there are no words to describe how valuable your input is - and how flattered I am that you took the time to, not only make people feel better, but feel like they are at home, esp. me. Thank you.

I won't be posting anymore although I will be here. I hope everyone has a wonderful, peaceful holiday.

Thank you.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Oh, I wish that I could help you somehow. You are such a wonderful person and have been my friend. You said you would be here for me. I'll be here for you too. Please don't do what you are thinking about.

Will you at least tell us about Alex's birthday party? I've been anticipating that for so long already. You know he needs you, as much after his birthday as before. Don't abandon Alex to 'him.'

Maybe things have been out of control, but if you let it, they will get better. Please give it another chance. You have said before that you would benefit from a hospital stay, but can't because you would lose your job. If the other alternative is losing your life though, no job is worth that. Where would that leave Alex? I agree that things need to change (you say you can't go on like this much longer) - so change things. It's hard, but still easier to do while you are alive than, um, the alternative.

All My Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

I am at a total loss re: why your Dr's don't treat your obvious, severe depression more agressively. :-(

I'm one of the people that continues to think of you a lot even when you don't post - see recent APB - and it's only because Tomi let me know she had heard from you that I let up.

I don't understand why you're saying that you won't post anymore. :-( How can we try to be of support to you if we can't interact?

I'm feeling very sad that that light I saw coming back in your cyber-eyes, is not shining as brightly right now; I hope that that will change.

I want to say that I am a REAL PERSON on the other end of your computor, and I wouldn't continue to bother if I didn't honestly care. There's no entertainment for me in suffering and pain, much less the kinds of struggles that you are going through. So it isn't comforting to read that you might be dead soon, but 'don't look for any more posts.' People that care don't want such attempts to 'let them off the hook' if that's what you're thinking. It doesn't work that way, believe me. It just makes a person feel more helpless.

As ever, Jill

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I am sorry Jill if I have hurt you - I never wanted to post this info at all. I can only assume that by trying to explain things, it has made them worse.

My pdoc and T are out of their element in what to do, what meds to try.

I know that you think of me, Jill, and you know how very much I care about everyone on here. It is the reason that I have been silent - I never wanted to hurt or upset anyone.

I am sorry.

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am your friend, not past tense.

Alex is having about 6 kids and maybe 4-6 adults at his party where I work. It will be on his b-day, the 26th, late afternoon 4pm my time. He gets the decorations, tokens, and a choc. cake plus a "live" show by the character. I printed the invitations out from the internet and so far I've had about 3 acceptances - I'm anticipating all the kids coming, it's the first place of it's kind anywhere close by where we live. The alternative has always been to drive about 45 minutes to the other ones.

Alex is very excited, as you can imagine.

xoxoxo

This whole thread makes me very sad

But I do believe you, Mary Alice, that you care about the people on here, and that you never wanted to hurt or upset anyone.

Love,
Fuzzy

ty Fuzzy, I appreciate that.

**hugs**

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}} I hope things get better soon. I was wondering if there was anything in particular that was triggering this trip back into the dark valley. Like Peanut had said you sounded like you were getting so much better. There was such a drastic change from when you first came here, Yeah you were still having troubles but you were improving steadily. I wonder what derailed you. I will hold you in my thoughts. Take care,
Carrie

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ty for caring.

Mary Alice
Please don't give up.
Things can and will chage for the better(I know you he probably heard his so many times before) But try and hve some faith in it.
You sound like such a wonderful and caring person and if you eed to take a little space from posting the do what is best for you, but don't just stop forevr.
I am glad you let us know how you are feeling and it must be hard to post this all right now.
I really wish so much that there was some way I could help you.
You always have such kind ad caring words for others here.
You will be in my thoughts. And I wish you nothing but the best.
Take Care of yourself and Alex, he needs you too!!!

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}

I truly hope that you find your way back to where you were.

Wish Alex a Happy Birthday and give him a hug for me will you? My birthday is on Christmas Day and I am so glad you are having a party for him....our birthdays get lost in the season so this will be even more special for him.

We are always here for you....please always remember that ok? You have so many people here that are rooting for you.

Take care hun.


Heather

*Mary Alice*
I really don't know what to say. You have been such a source of comfort to me in the past, and although I don't actually KNOW you, I consider you a friend : ). Like I've said so many times before, it's insane how much I identify with you and all you're going through. It's not fair that anyone should have to go through it, ever. You have let me lean on you many times, and I don't want to feel helpless because I really do care and will do anything I can to help. Of course I know it truly is hard to let or accept that anyone CAN help, I am willing to try. I'm so sorry that the cutting and depression has taken on a life of it's own. Somedays I just feel like I want someone to just stick a giant bandage over me so maybe I will mend myself like the cuts sometimes so. Ehh. I am proud of the fact that you actually asked for help from your therapist/Pdoc, and I hope more than anything that it helps. Please don't jump ship, I don't think I can row all by myself. I'm not trying to guilt you here, for I know that's always the last reason I want people to try & get me to keep on hanging on. It pains me to hear you speak of this so much. If nothing else you always have your son, although I'm sure it gets to be overwhelming at times. You know he loves you so much, as does everyone here. Please keep on hanging on, and PLEASE pm me with anything you need to get out or talk about. I refuse to give up on you darling : )
*Kelly* ((((((HUG))))))

As I have told you privately, you have been a great person here, offering support and acting as a positive influence for many. Your presence here would be sorely missed if you left, so I hope you continue to find a way to make it through each day.

Peace.

((((((Mary Alice))))))
I truly hope you don't leave here. I feel so sad that you have been so stirred up to the point of self injury. I understand if you need to back off for awhile.

If you choose to come back, it's going to be a long, hard road, but I want you to know that I'll be here to encourage you at every step.

I care very much for you and know that you have many beautiful things to share with other people, if you'll only let yourself.

Please be good to yourself. You owe yourself every bit of the love and nurturing that you give Alex.





Wise men still seek Him.

{{{{{{soscared}}}}}}}}

Thank you for the thoughts and caring. It's funny, but my T told me yesterday that only I can make the decision and that for awhile he had lost sight of that - always wanting to jump in and try to fix things for me.......until he realized that he couldn't.

I tried telling him how much he influences me, how much I listen to and try to do as he wants for me.....and for once he lost his temper and said, "If I have that much influence over what you do, then for G*d's sake, stay alive and don't make me grieve for you....because it will hurt me if you do this."

I was shocked by his outburst. He asked me to come in Monday and talk - today I let him know that I would be there. He wasn't sure what I was going to do considering the way I left his office.

Yes, my son needs me, but he needs his mom, not the person I have changed into the last few months. Right now my behavior is hurting him as well and he doesn't understand me - no one does lately.

{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I will gladly give Alex a hug for you......I haven't forgotten it's your birthday next week either. I wish you the best and hope it is a happy one this year.

You have always been there for me, Heather, right with everyone else. You've saved my sanity numerous times just by being there.

I hope I find a glimmer of light too, and then am not too afraid to walk into it.

xoxox

Kelly ***********hugs*****************

We may not know each other face to face, but we do know one another. We've been rowing together for quite awhile, haven't we? We are very similiar - scary sometimes.

I took to you the minute I read your first post - kind of created a bond between us. I appreciate your concern for me, so very much. Maybe if the boat runs across me in the water, you'll pick me up?

How I wish for just once I could actually be with all of you in 3D......I may actually feel some warmth.

Once again, Doc John, I appreciate the concern, esp. from you. You've made me feel like I actually make a difference someplace and for that I am very grateful.

This has been my home for quite awhile. Everyone here is more "family" to me than the ones in my 3D life.

Thank you.

{{{{{{{{Willow}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I feel just as scarred on the outside now as on the inside, just as inadequate too.

Thank you for caring.

{{{{{{{{{Tomi - mom}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It feels like I have passed the point of no return. I don't think I have the energy anymore to turn around - my T told me that I have endured so much, and in some incidents worse things.

Before there was usually at least one area of my life that was somewhat positive - now there is none. I see my failure everywhere and that is so unacceptable for me.

You are such a sweet person, even in the midst of your own thoughts and feelings during the holidays, you make time to worry about me.......thank you.

If I turn around and slip, it will be ten times worse. To keep getting up in the midst of failing is so hard to do. I question my strength and my will to continue.

I love you dearly. You have made me laugh on more than one occasion and your posts are wonderful and direct. Take care of YOU......for you deserve it as well.

xoxoxox

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}

I was sitting here thinking about you since I got up this morning and then I see your posts to the newcomers. My goodness you are amazing hun.....you are in the spot you are in and yet you reach out to others like you always do to help them. Gosh I wish you could see the Mary Alice that we see.

You are a special person and I know that good things are going to happen to you very soon. The new year is going to be wonderful for you....I just know it. That is my New Year wish for you.....2004 is going to be your year.

Hope you have a good day hun and thank you for being you.


Heather

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{"Daughter Mary Alice"}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

As long as you have breath in you, it's not too late, Dear Lady. I wish I was close to you so that I could lend my physical strength as well as my spiritual strength. If you could only see who the rest of us see. There is not failure everywhere you turn. If we could only get you to see that!

I've told you that I feel so incredibly helpless when it comes to helping you. There's not much I know to say or do... except to keep telling you that you are beautiful, loving, capable, loveable... and so much more! Your truth, to me, is THAT is the real you! The monster that has ahold of you is also a reality, but it's a small reality in truth! Yes, it's a part of you, but you have the strength to overcome him, to banish him from your life. YOU have the power and the choice to take back your life from him! It's a fact, Mary Alice. Just as sure as you're sitting there reading this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



Wise men still seek Him.

hi Heather ******hugs*********

You always see the good in people, you know that? What a special person you are. It's strange, but I spent most of my time tonight at work calming down an employee who spent most of the time in tears. She has such low self esteem, thinks she is a loser/failure, and is very sensitive. She tells me all her problems, and I gave her my cell number so that she can call me when things get too stressful - before she explodes. I care about her very much - she is a wonderful person.

That is easy for me to do........the problem lies within myself. Thank you, but it really doesn't make me "special". Concerned, yes.......

I have no comment on New Year's. All I know is that on Monday I will see my T - then he is on vacation. Friday is Alex's party.

You are so sweet - thank you for thinking about me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mom Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The failure is not everywhere I turn - just within myself. That I see and feel very well.

I'm sorry you feel helpless, that makes me feel bad. Yes, I have the power and choice to turn around - if I felt strong enough and thought that maybe I wasn't such a failure, it might be different. You can't change how ugly I have become on the outside - it only emphasizes my failings.

One day last week when I was really upset, I called my District Manager and just cried on the phone to him......about home, finances, how I had needed to get a second job, etc.
Yesterday, he sat down with me, told me that he has such plans for me and that I shouldn't get another job - it would wind up affecting my job performance there.....very true. He then gave me a $4,000/year raise effective within the next two pay periods. My only thought was.......too late.........

My inner child is so tired, so scared, and so hurt physically and mentally. I can't pacify her anymore or make the pain stop for long periods. It reminds me of when my second husband used to hurt me so badly that I would actually curl up in the fetal position in the closet, in the corner, and just stay for hours at a time afterwards.

I'm so tired of her tears and distress.......

You bring a smile to my face every time you say such nice things to me in a PM or here........thank you.