Can't stop thinking about it.

It's been 8 years since I last cut myself. Today it is all I can think about. I know it's not healthy and it solves nothing, but I still feel the urges. Maybe it is just self loathing and I want to hurt myself because I hate me. I don't feel like dealing with anything. I just wanted to explode and have my life in shambles. No one expecting anything from me, No one caring. I don't feel as if I can cope with things. I told my wife I was really depressed and she said nothing about it. I guess she already knows I am, I just wanted some comfort from her.

Adam I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say, do, or give you. something anything. All I can give to you is my warm wishes, my prayers and my friendship. I know that is not really enough to help at the moment but it is enough to make you not alone and sometimes that is something.

Feel free to PM me and talk or vent of go off the deep end completely.

If your wife is anything like me, and it sounds like we have some similarities, she doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know what to do. She may even be in a little bit of shock like you are w/ the school loan situation. Her inability to show concern and compassion has nothing to do w/ you. Her love for you is most likely there she just is afraid to show it or is running from the feelings that love bring.

Like I said feel free to PM me. Just keep your head up and keep coming here and talking to us here at PC.

Adam, can you go to a movie, take a walk through a mall, browse at a bookstore/library or do something else that might distract you from these thoughts?

These are strategies that worked for me. I found that being around other people, sometimes just sitting in the mall with a cup of coffee, helped me.

I understand.

Can you tell your wife in more detail what you need from her?

you are such a strong and intelligent person and we all know that you will make it through these tough times. you have given me and numerous people here such good advice. all i can say is that i REALLY want you to stay safe. hopefully by now you are feeling at least somewhat better. stay strong. you are not alone.

--Sam

I just went home and went to bed. It seemed like the best thing. Now it's time to go to work.

Morning, Adam. Hope you're feeling better than you have been.

Take care,
PP

When I originally wrote that I was feeling pretty bad. I'm better now, I think. Honestly I think I wanted her to take charge and put my mind at ease with this current problem. Maybe tell me she has an interview ir at least she filled out some applications or something. I think I have to acknowledge this is her problem and not mine. She didnt tell me about the status of any of her loans and I am not the one responsible for paying them. I can come up with some money in the next few weeks, but I don't think it is a wise decision for me. I can't push her debts onto my credit. I can geta few thousands dollars over the next couple weeks by selling some things I don't use often like my laptop, but I can't borrow 9K for her. I have to pay bills and my school loans start in a couple months. I can't afford to do what the bill collector asks of me, nor do I feel it ia the right deciaion for my. I love my wife and want to help the best I can, but I have to have a boundry. I can't let her financial decisions ruin my credit because she is irresponisble. Thanks everyone for the kind words and support.

Very good thinking Adam.

You did a really good job at thinking through this and being able to look in depth enough to figure out the root cause of the stress at this moment. I hope you continue to feel some relief. You are right in that you need to set bounderies, even within a marriage, for a relationship to stay healthy. Have you been able to talk to her about it and the conclusions you have come up with. I hope you are able to work things out.

I talked to her. I told her what I can do. She also said she filled out 6 applications yesterday. I was happy to hear that.

Your boundary setting sounds good to me. I'm glad to have established some ground for yourself. It's a tough situation.

I put the money in her account. I think I've done my part. I wish I could say I felt better but I don't. I feel sepressed and haven't ate much in the past couple of days. I don't feel hungry, probly from the meds. All I want to do is hide from the world to be honest. I can't do that, but somedays I wish I could just take a break from dealing with depression. Maybe a different med will make me feel better, but I don't have much faith in meds.

I had a moment of weakness today. I went thru my wives phone. I know I shouldn't have violated her trust, but something she said upset me last weekend. We went out for lunch and she started texting someone in the middle of lunch. I asked her who she was talking to and she got defensive about it and accussed me of being insecure. I dropped the subject but it offended me. I noticed the guy she had the thing with still texts her, but it looks like she is ignoring him. I don't know why she didn't put her foot down with the guy. Maybe shw thinks if she ignores.things long enough it goes away.

I am concerned about her behavior. I worry that she isn't being faithful. I don't know if I could deal with that. It's not like I can talk about it either. I just hope she is honest with me, but I fear that I can't cope with it if ahe isn't.

Adam please be careful. Being distrustful or your wife is not a good sign. Neither is her texting anyone while at lunch w/ you. If she got defensive there is a reason. Hopefully it is just that he texted her and she knew that alone would be enough to make you less then happy.

Why has she not put her foot down w/ this other man. Well there are two options I see. Sit down honey, she is keeping contact because she is insecure in your relationship. She may not be doing anything wrong and has no intention of doing anything wrong but he is the saftey net. When the do do hits the fan if you decide to leave then she has an option. Think goodness the dodo just hit the fan and you are still here w/ her. That is a good sign. That tells her alot about where you guys stand.

OR I could be completely wrong and she is the passive agressive type. That is what it sounds more like to me. She's definiately ignore things and see how the chips fall. She may not be returning his calls or making contact w/ him. She could just be trying to avoid hurting him not because she has feelings for him but just because that is how she is. She sounds like she is a caring individual.

I hope this helps some. I'd continue t keep an eye on her. Have you guys ever discussed what your boundries are concerning cheating. It doesn't necessarily involve bed room stuff. I have told my H if he has to have lunch w/ a female work related person then I get that, I'm ok w/ that if he tells me in advance. If it is worth hiding then it is an issue. He doesn't want me dining w/ any other man for any reason. I admited to him I saw a man at hardies eating alone, he was from our church, and me and the kids went over and sat and ate w/ him. He was angry but when I told him eating alone is terrible, especially if there are people you know there. He understood and changed his mind. If I see someone I know that is male I can't just be ride and I don't expect him to be rude to a female we know either. HE had dinner w/ a freind of mine. She was at a nice sit down resturant alone and he was alone, so they ate together. I'm glad that is what a friend should do. She called me when she got home and told me. WHen he got home he told me. That is trust. If you all have not had that conversation maybe you should.

We have since had to update our "What constitutes an affair" conversation. Since we now have a computer in the house. Neither of us have an issues w/ chats and things that involve the opposite sex. But personal discussions and exchanging of e-mail addresses or phone numbers, along w/ taking about things of a sexual nature in a wrong kind of way is the equal of cheeeting we both agree.

OK enough of me , this is about you guys.

I hope things work out alright for you guys. Keep an eye on your wife, hopefully she is tellling you the truth. I hope the issues you are having w/ the student loans make you rely even more on one another and it proves to you what you have together will stand the test of time.

I don't care if she talks to guys or has lunch with friends. I just hate that she finds it necassary to hide it. It's not like I yell at her or make her feel bad. I just want some honesty about it. When she got defensive it bothered me. We never talked about what the limit is. I just know catching her phone sex with someone she met online is over what I consider to be faithful. I try not to be insecure about these things, it just hurt so much the last time, Im scared of going thru that again. My wife is the passive aggressive type. Im sure she just didnt want to deal with the guy so she ignored him, instead of telling him hiw she felt or at least to stop calling. It seems like all this stuff is happening at once. There was also another incident when we first started dating. I dont know if anything happened, but she went to visit a high school friend about a month after we moved in together. She didnt come home that night and didnt call. She told me the next day her phone died. Maybe it did I don't know. I just get the feeling that she doesnt want to be with me and is looking for someone else. Maybe it is just my insecurities and my inability to let go of what happened. I try to trust her, but I feel susposious sometimes. Going into this marriage I thought we both were in it together, but sometimes it feels like it's just me that wants it to work out.

> I just hate that she finds it necassary to hide it. It's not like I yell at her or make her feel bad. I just want some honesty about it. When she got defensive it bothered me. We never talked about what the limit is.

It's important. It's about feelings and trust. What could be more important in an intimate relationship? Hiding things would cross a line for me. I think it did for you, and that's why you looked in her phone.

Adam I feel so badly for you. You do seem to have alot of bad things happening at once.

I can so see you headed where me and my H were/are, whatever. Phone sex, is sex in my opinion. One can commit emotional infadility as well. I am not saying your wife has a right to do what she is doing as far as not being honest w/ you. But being in an abusive relationship at some point makes normal people do things that don't seem so normal to others. Like lie ing, or hiding the truth even when there is noting to hide.

I doubt you are like my H and gave her a reason to to feel she has no choice but to be less then honest. You seem like you have her best interest at heart. It sounds like she has lots of issues and needs to go to T. If sounds like it might be of some benefit to you as well. Maybe you guys do need marriage T. You know it's not the worst thing in the world. Sooner rather then later. Before all kinds of emotional damage is done.

It sounds like you have a right to be suspisious of what she is doing. Between phone calls, texts and computers, there are alot of things that are discrete that can lead folks astray. Don't be nieve but be a realist to. Watch, listen, pay close attention. Maybe even consider T.

Again Adam I am so sorry this is happening to you. It hurts me to see you guys in this place. I can totally relate and I know it is terrible for you, but is most likely no cake walk for her either.

Thanks big mama. I know I need to get back into T. I can ask her about it, but she hates doctors and I get the feeling she wont want to go. I can bring it up. I feel so conflicted about everything. Sometimes I wonder if it is my depression that makes me not trust her or if I am just for feeling this way. Maybe I'm just as guilty as she is for not talking about my depression. I told her when we first started dating, but it took me 8a years to tell her how it really feels for me. I'm just going to take rhings slow and keep being open with her. I'm just worried that I can't handle the fallout if this releationship doesn't work out.

I know it's wrong and I feel bad for saying it, but she is the only reason I don't hurt myself when I get depressed. With her, I don't pursue all of my self destructive urges. Even when things are bad, I find strength in having her in my life.

Adam I do feel for you. I know you are going threw absolute torture right now. Neither of you are guilty for not dealing w/ depression. It is not about guilt is is about fear of acknowledgement. If you don't say it then it is not true, if she is incapable of being sensitive to it then sure you don't want to discuss it. I'm sure she loves you, she wants to be sensitive but is most likely afraid. (not of you,the trauma and the pain it has caused) It's not really a conscious choice.

As for you thinking it is wrong to let her be the glue that holds you together, maybe a T would say that, I don't know, and I don't know where you got that idea, but I think it is great and a good thing that she is your glue. Isn't that we are married for, to hold each other together. Sometimes if you can't do it for you then do it for someone else. What ever it takes to keep you safe. Your wife wants you around, and I want you around and so does everyone else here at PC.

She is sensitive to my depression. She urges me to keep taking the medication and to get into therapy. She is right. Sometimes it feels like I am two people struggle over one body. There is the confident, happy intelligent me and then there is the shy, isolated depressed me. I often find it is hard to remember what it feels like to be depressed when I'm not and it is hard to remember what it is like to feel happy when I'm depressed.

I'm going to keep myself safe. I know going down that road isn't the right choice. Maybe it is ok she is the glue that keeps me together. I guess we all need something to live and fight for.

We all do need something to live for and fight for. I do understand how depression works. I am in the middle of my own battle right now. I should be happy and care free but instead I'm unsure of the future, unsure of me, don't know what to think of my H. I hate it, I wish I could pull myself out of this mental hell I am in. But it appears that ain't gonna be happinin. So here I am w/ you guys here at PC. You and the others at PC are what holds me together. Every time a little of the glue comes loose, someone here helps put it back. What would I do w/ out you guys.

Keep talking to us, keep talking to your wife, and find a T to talk to if you need to.

(((adam))),

You are still pretty young, you are two years younger than my daughter, and you have already been married over 4 years now. It takes time to develope a relationship and you and your wife are still very young yet.

Also, you talk about being depressed for a while and then being ok for a while, are you sure that you are just struggling with depression and not maybe a mild bipolar or something? Have you had a physical lately? Do you eat right and excercise and make sure you get enough rest?

How long has it been since you talked to a therapist? Or, even talked about if your medication is right for you?

Just some things that crossed my mind, not to get you worried.

Open Eyes

I don't think it is bipolar. I've been feeling like this since maybe 14 or so. That would be 13 years. I didn't get into therapy until I was 18 after my father passed away. I found one therapist that was helpful, but my insurance changed and she wasn't covered. The ones after her I didn't like and I gave up on it. After that I didn't really do anything, but try to manage the best I could. I made improvements in my life and got through school. There were ups and downs, but I think I was so busy with engineering school I didn't pay much attention to it. Around last October I noticed starting to feel down a lot, well just about everyday I felt down. This lasted a few months until January. In January I started to eat better and then started exercising. It helped some. The last couple weeks I have been eating good, but I haven't worked out.

I went to the doctor last week and she prescribed an AD (fluoxetine 20 mg). I go back in 3 more weeks to talk to her again. I need to get back into therapy. I'm looking for someone who has evening hours, to work with my schedule.

I don't think it is bipolar because I don't really have mood swings. It's like going from normal to a little worse, then a little worse the next day to the point were everything feels hopeless all the time. I tell myself this is just the depression making me feel this way. My self esteem also tanks with my mood, so usually when I get depressed I am real down on myself.

My sleep is all over the place sometimes. Yesterday I cam home and went to bed because I felt that was the best thing to do since I was feeling so bad. I slept for 14 hours I think and then went to work today. I usually sleep for 6-7 hours on the weekdays and I sleep in on the weekends. When I feel really depressed I sleep until Sarah gets me up. She usually wakes me after 12 hours, but Ive slept for 18 hours before. I think I like sleeping because I don't have to for miserable. It's like a break from feeling depressed. I don't know what my official diagnosis is. My T never talked about it. She just said it was depression. I don't know if I would have understand the difference in the types of depression at the time either.

Well, depression can be from "anxiety" too adam. It is not unusual for it to begin in the teen years either because of the massive change in hormones all through the teen years. But the teen years also bring on that feeling of "lack of control or knowing of future and question of worthiness".

What helps depression is having a sense of "control" over something and having a rythum that feels predictable and secure. It sounds like you developed a pattern where you would get to a level where you felt balanced and in control and then you would look to "question" that sense of balance, which most teens do, and you would get anxious and stressed which tires out the brain where it can get depressed and want time outs.

It sounds like you are not quite "self aware" enough to know your self talk or thinking patterns where you feed into "stressing" which basically tires the brain and the body out. Men don't always understand "stress" adam, men want to have a sense of "control" and they tend to push hard and then struggle to find a way to "release" pent up frustrations. It is not unusual for men to "struggle to relax" adam, so they can go along hard and then need to "crash" for a time.

My husband handled this with binge drinking and he became a binge alcoholic. He didn't realize the trap he was in. He learned about it through going to AA and there he learned how to slow down, better ways to handle stress and look at life, and not turn to alcohol. There are some people that go to those meetings, not because they have an alcohol problem, but, because they stress and don't know how to relax into life.

People tend to think that "depression" is something that "controls" them and gets them down, however, often they themselves have developed "thinking patterns" and ways they build up stress that "tax the brain" which presents that desire to slow down and let go so the brain can regenerate. Often what happens too is that because we can get trapped in this cycle, it can be hard to find "happiness". "I love someone, want to know someone loves me and I need to make them "happy" somehow and that is the "closest" to me being happy too".

So, often what happens is this constant need to "manage life" and no way of developing the skill of "sitting back and enjoying some life". What you know of yourself is more that you have somehow unknowingly appointed yourself as a full time "manager" that only works, pays bills, and is responsible for the happiness of "others". And honestly, this happens to alot of people because in school, especially high school, learning is something that "has to be done" and there is always alot of "pressure" to make the grade as well as have some kind of overall acceptance with groups of other students. Unfortunately many students learn how to become "depressed" in school instead of how "knowledge" brings a sense of "empowerment" and "fulfillment".

A young man, didn't let himself get trapped in that. He liked to learn and was drawn to electronics, and he also had a friend that was interested in it too. So he spent alot of time tinkering and exploring and "learning with a passion". He kept at it and his mind had some interesting "ideas" and instead of being in the system that sought to control that, he chose to take that control himself. He didn't even go to college, instead he clung to his own thirst to create and learn and think and discover. That boy was Bill Gates.

A lot of people get into the "work of learning and having to do things in what is "expected"". And all of them get to an age where they may have managed, but didn't really ever find "happiness" or true fulfillment. They sometimes kick back and begin to "learn because it is more interesting, not pushed at them, but just interesting". Then that period comes where they begin to say, "If I only knew then what I know now".

There is a difference between thought patterns of "have to, have to, have to" and "I want to, like to, try to and explore and see and take pleasure".

Something to think about adam

Open Eyes

Wish I had some words of advice, but alas I find none. I do bring words of comfort in knowing you are not alone. I struggle with these same issues. My sleep is always wacky and for the most part I just sleep way too much. It seems the only peaceful time to me. Self-injury: I've been sober for almost 6yrs. It's still a struggle at times, the only thing I know to do is to remind myself over and over my reasoning for stopping and that no matter what I don't want to lie to myself. It can still be hard though.