[Takeshi]

Hi, I'm new in this part of the forum, and this is probably not what you thought I was asking.

I have made, idk about 60,70 shallow cuts inside of my forearm with a clean cutter knife up until this point, I been doing this to myself for the past 3 days or so. It looks now like a tiny amount of strawberry jam got smeared and it got dry.

I don't want to do anything to lose the function of my arm or a hand, I don't think I can just go out and buy those strip thingy or a medical glue for a deep cut, I just don't know much about the anatomy of my arm.

I want to do more than this amature horizontal cuts and hoping to get something more long lasting with a bit more red painting from my skin tissue. I have no problem with blood coagulation, if I get more precise, can I hit the vein safely?

What about this visibly pulsating point on my wrist? Is it to be avoided if I don't want to injure too seriously?

I know that I shouldn't just dive in and try out new methods. Everyday, the urge is there and I make up this stupid rules to follow so I can cut and the number of cuts are limited.

I am trying to pace myself, I do other work and thinking, I try to tackle the source of the problems and I get more upset, I need to cope with my current situation this way.

I don't think about why, I just can't. I've thought about it and that just makes me laugh and I think to myself, how can I fill this part of my skin with my red ink? All of it, from an elbow to my wrist.

I'm done with pencil drawings.

I have two more reasons(persons) in my head to do more damage. If yesterday was any indication, I don't follow my own rule in a strict sense, meaning some emotions cause me to add some extra strokes.

It is just too confusing and complicated to explain it all.

I just can't start doing this whenever I feel like. I want them to really count if you know what I mean.

I go clear my head, thanks for reading.

(Btw, I'm still attached to this damned reality of mine. If you don't want yours to cross over to mine, please just forget what you've just read.)

Edited to add:

There's no way for anyone here to help me the way I want, right?

Rules. Yours can and should stay for a good reason. Mine on the other hand could change at will, almost did. It did for a few seconds 'cos I can't seem to listen to my good senses sometimes.

Just think of this as my first introduction here, so you won't get yourself in trouble. I can't say with certainty how much of a danger I am to myself right now or the next second. I don't consider myself of as...anything at all..

[Takeshi]

It's all giberrish

The company I work for is trying to force this old guy out by giving him ultimatum. I heard that today and this is like the third time I've heard story like that after my employment there. He'll have no choice but to quit, and this is relevant to my situation. The reason and the tactics are dirty. The old guy and I had a huge argument before, my heart got broken, I was ready to quit back then. I hated him for giving me the hard time with no good reasons, My boss heard my story, I was on the verge of breakdown, things went the way I wanted, I got saved.

I heard this from the other old coworker of mine, he told me not to tell anyone so my hands are tied. Are you following me here? I didn't like the guy, almost hated him, he's a cranky old bastard who can't be reasoned with. But I really wanted to stop the company from what it's doing to the old man, it isn't fair. The reason for the company wanting to fire him is just because he is old. The company just wants to keep its hands clean, and the company in this case, to me it looks like my boss himself alone. CEO don't sound like a real man either, I've never met him, he just inherited the business from his father, these are the words from a guy I still have a great respect for.

Would you keep working in a company where higher up are deceitful and manipulative? The work itself is good for the environment, just the way I like it. Probably I'm one of the rare bleed there to take the environment issue seriously, maybe.

Anyhow, I started thinking how a bad person make their decisions, and came to a conclusion that it turned out to be the same process as I do, by using freedom. I exercise that freedom, I try to take responsibilities for my actions. Even a little things I said to someone matters to me. It should hurt no one, so the other day, I was rude to a shop person, I went back there the next day, dropped an apology letter, I say stupid things in a bad manner, when I know that I did wrong, I follow up on them and fix 'em.

I release bugs and insects if they wonder into my space back to the wild, maybe with an exception of roaches. They'll take over us if I don't kill some of them.

I worked hard on myself and I believe that If I saw wrong doing out there in public, I know I can do what a man should do.

I'm gonna just stop tryna explain it myself. Hold on.

'I want to move out of america' thread in genral social chat forum.

It was really good read, you see how people are like now in our time. People are like the same over here too, that's what I think. Plus, they like rules and following it, just because the rules saids so. Who made the rule and why it's there don't seem to be any of their concern most of the time. Without questioning and challenging, things don't progress, I don't vote so I'm an ignorant person, I am a hypocrite. Still.. Ignorance sometimes seem as bad as, say spitting out a rude remarks with an intention of harming others.

Cultural differences aside, I guess people sometimes say "He/she did good for him/herself." If it was about financial success, well, that's good for them. What are they like?

Words hurt. Especially when they were talked behind your back. Faceless enemy or an entity. People get hurt, that's it? Where are they coming from in our everyday life? HOw is it born?

I'm no saint, I must've hurt many people during my life time, I try to avoid it. Am I just really over sensitive to what I hear? It was just devastatingly shocking to realize that the process that I was using was in place for other human beings as well. Almost hopeless for me and for the world out there.

I don't watch news 'cos I don't wanna be bombarded with bad peoples behaviors, if someone dropped bomb on me and die, I don't care. I don't want the hate in me.

My workplace, this whole world don't seem right for me. Everybody's for themselves. I don't even wanna act like them, I resent normal. It is not benefitting mankind, ppl might counter argue that we do lots of great things.

I can't explain it all, ordinary ppl, you could say that they are not so bad, I'm just not sure. Oh, you have kids!....I hear these people do parents talks, parenting looks nice,,y'all look nice,,,,

I feel that I'm punishable by their standards. And I see a huge gap between what they think are important and mine. This is not devaluing myself, hating myself, not being good enough, etc. I was on another site, reading about an explanation of self injury.

It's on 'helpguide.org' cutting-and-self-harm.htm

I was reading, comparing it to my actions, and said, no, no, no, hell no.

Emptiness, self-loathing, sadness. **** no, I done that years and years ago. I'm just so sick tired of where I am, where I can't escape from. People never shoud go seek another intelligent life form, we're too harmful to the others, what if the astronaut had a hidden depression? (Don't think too much, it's just one of the craziness that fell out of my head.)

This world is just too crazy, and the world defines me, if I wanna function there,,,I just can't. Too late, I can't support myself financially, to keep everything to my own head, why would I wanna keep going, criminal justice system, our government, any institutions we have here on earth, our educational system, what the **** ever are going to get sucked into this hopeless direction, merged, blended, twisted and shaken, if ya not thinking at all other than yourself, you'd have no idea how serious this all feels to me right now.

This ****ing website, anything and everything that's told to general public, who gets what right? If we were such a good team player, people wouldn't suck so much.

'We are the 99%'

I know too little, I want to read about this. 99% out of what? The whole planet's population? They made it up, didn't they? Sure it's catchy, the number don't mean much to me, what do they really care?

It doesn't really matter how I think of people. I don't get the truth because I have been lazy my whole life. Now I'm stuck in this economic servitude, I can't make myself real useful. I never cared about world politics and I can't do anything about refugees dying somewhere. Ppl starving and dying everyday, I'm not talking about the homeless, somewhere on this planet, half the country goes hungry, and I feel useless, worthless, beyond worthless.

When I was looking at my own scars, I was thinking about real slaves, whiplashes and did any of them got over the trauma? Where's the ****ing progress, man, I don't see it. All I see is drones and clones and dictators and kings alike. Money grabbing ***********.

Where I work, there are a lot of part time workers. There are ton of rules for them, some of them are unfair, idk, everybody blindly follow them, because things are how they are, that's how things gets done around here that's what they say.

It's just so creepy, looking at workers everywhere, insane devotion to a faceless company, you give up the time of your life, they decide your worth and value.

My life, I decide what I do with it. I don't want to be manipulated into somewhere something I woudln't want. On a personal level, I'm capable of taking a liking into someone, but I don't want that, I don't need any distractions.

Human mind is tricky, we see patterns and sometimes see what's not really there.

I heard someone crying out side of my window, I looked out, couldn't find anyone and the crying stopped. It's raining outside I can hear it. It's 2:30, I'm on third cup of coffee, no time to sleep on any of these thoughts.

Everything's okay, feeling carefree to utter hopelessness in a matter of hours. I still trust my mind 100%. However I feel during the day, I could end it all. Not for the hate for myself or inadequate self, I'm just so so sick of everything. It can end, I'm just a whiner, I just want this bad dream, ****ing nightmarishingly boring program to end. How could this be? So much history and so many smart ppl are out there and what do I see? This is not about me getting the facts right or knowing so so little, it's just strange. If I could, I want myself a time trip into the future. Past is fine too, anywhere but here in this time and space.

ETA:

I really didn't wanna do this tonight, this thinking was too much. I got 2 more working days ahead, maybe I could lie down,,trying not to sleep 'cos there's no time for that.

I may sound angry or whatever, I don't know what this is. and I'm not a good person because on a hypothetical situation like if I were married to a most beautiful woman in the world being in love and ****, telling me that I'm precious bla bla bla, ,,I would not give a **** ppl are suffering right this moment, millions, billions of are suffering, on the blink, it's so so ****ed up, and we are keep ****ing up 'cos we are busy doing what we are doing, we don't stop and think, that's not how the world works. If my mother were to tell me again, have you tried? What are you gonna do?

I was chewing gum at work, was I careless, lacked common sense? Maybe and it's easy to fix. I don't mind. I was just alone, work alone, seeing/feeling beauty and joy all the time, they were real at the time. And me today, past few days like this. If I saw some bloodsucker talking about parenting, that would looked to me doubly bad thing, 'cos the parent him/herself is bad and passing it on to the next generation. Let's just say that this is real me, guilty, I plead guilty, lethal injection please!

I don't really think of ppl that bad, it's all speculation, I don't do that. I can't do any good , no good. Not because of anyone, but myself.

My head hear things, read things and my head go kaboom, like adding nitro into a gas tank. I even start to doubt myself in a moment like this, processing things a little faster but taking it into a wrong directions and I go off course.

Am I posting this? Why? So you think to yourself that your a bit less crazier than I. Your a good person. And of course this is for myself too. I can't go to work with these whatever this is filled in my head.

To be continued.

[Takeshi]

I would like a sleeping pill right now that's made out of advanced technology. You pop the pill and ,,you get like 5,6 hrs sleep to your brain, but you don't really get the sleep in real time, d'you get it? Wouldn't it be nice?

I didn't come back here to just add more nonsense on top of the previous nonsense.

A total stranger who offered some help. I am oh so grateful of the words of...wisdom he/she has given to me. I have been trying to be like that all year this year. Not only this year, I don't have any wisdom to give out but I can help anybody with baggage or stand up and let someone sit in the spot on the public transport. You need to read the aformentioned forum post to understand this. People suck everywhere on this planet I suppose. Giving someone a wrong direction just for fun? After having become the person that I am, I can't ****ing stand that kinda behavior from anyone, If I were in that kinda situation, I wouldn't know what I would do, I'd get so pissed, even the wrong direction were given to some other person, if you were the fellow country man, you have the every right to bite his head off. Just no physical violence, don't you agree?

It's a sad state of affairs when someone saying something positive or smiling is seen as "refreshing" because it's not "normal".

I so agree with this statement, I'm quoating it without permission. Anyhow, to conclude this today's posting,

To my friend, I'll try to do my best to adhear to your advice. And be good.

I feel so conflicted though. I'm not sure how this sleeplessness will affect me today. I was crying a bit at work yesterday, I'm so unstable, and alone, I don't trust myself. It's safer to try to find more good stuff here and hold on to those words. The quotes thread in general social chat was a tad bit dissapointing to be honest. Bukowski's quote was good, I heard it before.

I really gotta change the course or I'd be showing some spectacles to poor souls out there,

oh **** **** ****, you have no idea how bad this is in my head, I already cleaned up my **** at the workplace being ready to leave any time, plus in my own head, while I was slashing, I was cutting ppl off with all of my liking/love for them. I wasn't even counting the ppl from the past, anything and anyone important can still be an excuses to ,,y'know..it just starts when it does. My alarm went off already, time to hit the shower and get ready. I can't promise and I'm out of time,,,,,,,

One possibility, that I hope would not happen:

I'll be at my desk at work, crying and sobbing and cutting into my arm, someone witness it and report my *** to security or police who knows, it's sunday, my boss won't be reachable I guess. What would happen after that?

This don't change anything but, one of the reason why I started this is I always wanted to do that, that simple. I was having disturbing thought yesterday, like I used to want a quiet and quick and painless death, but now, I wanna see. I want myself to see whatever I could humanly possible to see, in an extreme mental state, something unusual, so, long painful suicide,, it's 4:44 am. and 4 means death phonetically in japanese. Creepy huh?

helpguide.org's explanation and me, there's no secret, ****! self-loathing? I loathe this type of ariticles, they don't know ****. Really pisses me off, when feeling distressed like this, so unhelpful and if my family, if I had nearby and read this, try to help me, that's not gonna work.

When I come here, I don't do enough helping, I want to but I can't do enough knowing the person first. It'll never be complete plus, I'm not good at talking with ppl.

The window was open, I'm so forgetful, losing attention, agitated. Brewing new pot of coffee though.

Back to that website, it's on my kindle and I'm looking at it now, I don't trust it, man, those pictures, they are just mocking me. ****. I don't know, I didn't check who wrote the article, if you like it, that's your business. Thank you thank you thank U, my friend, I needed that instant feedback, I feel lucky that you were there. Sometimes you go search and search on the internet and you get lost, I don't want that and don't do it anymore.

Coffee with a smoke and then shower. cutting or no cutting, it don't matter, it's a matter of holding it together for the whole shift, one long *** 12hrs shift today hopefully without an incident.

I need the shower but I don't wanna look at my scars. I was staring at it a few minutes ago though. This fast switching of mental state is ****ing annoying but that's all I am now. Nothing helps but my own will.

I'll be honest and admit I read your first post but not the following two. There is no way that you can hit a vein "safely". If you're cutting that bad or planning to then you need help pretty damn quick...

I can definitely underrstand the need to cut deeper. Unfortunately that is a big issue with cuttin. Shallow cuts that satisfy you at the beginning achieve nothing further down the line so you end up cutting deeper each time to get the same effect. When you realise this is where you are at the it's a good time to see your doctor and get some more support before it goes out of hamd....

[Takeshi]

Sorry to report so late. Stopped cutting, there's no need. For the time being yes.

It was damn helpful, call me stupid, as a result of my action, on the 4th day, I came up with a brilliant theory of the world, how to make a happier place, **** like that.

I just can't think of anyone as bad, there are no bad/evil soul, not more than our criminal justice system can't handle. If I take someone's word hurtful, that is on me. I struggle there so much.

NOTHING'S KNOWABLE. People don't seem to operate on that assumption, this is important to me. Words are tools, ,,,,,,,,,,,

If I were smarter, I woudln't be cutting? hmm..

It's like taking a hit of something, and I'm not a type of guy who follows the rule, that much is established.

Here's what happened yesterday morning. I went to work without a single minute of sleep, feeling groggy, but I took the word of a friend who reached out through PM with me. As usual, I was heading northward/up, my busy head was keeping me happy there, lots of excitement and joy from thinking, thinking the way through, then came the crash.

It's understandable, I felt exhausted and that zombified me was ... undescribable. 4.5 hours of that and my life is still moving along, it is not habitual for me.

Is addiction bad? To me, it is not that bad if you're learning something good.

Man, people and their behavior sometimes look so good, they're good, trying not to hurt, good rules. I go in there, not saying much and ignore me, that's fine. I start to .. Too uptight.

It is always like this. Don't get offended, don't wanna say it but it's on you. Look around and they are beautiful, on this beautiful day, murder happens. i'm just saying I could get killed by words today, and after this experience, one the of things that I learned is that the words, not the definition/meaning, but the intention hurts more than anything in the world.

Got any questions? ask away. will do my best to respond. ta-ta.

[Takeshi]

Things you should never say at work. I do not KNOW.

I can't pretend, man. "Explain yourself!" "Hellyeah, I can ****ing do that if that's what you want, how much time you got?"

As we talk and talk and talk some more, how you look or how you smell or whatever lose it's meaning, in my case, they are helpful to know the person. I wouldn't know what they are really like if they all look alike, act alike.

We recieved your radio waves million years ago, just to see what you're like.

Forget what I just said.

There is no need, I understand it fine, I agree with what it means, as someone meant.

I'm so ****ing serious, I can always find the need, people too often question my logic. If I go further and further on my thinking, I'd say "I can not help you, anymore."

..........................

I completely agree, you take out the faulty part and replace it. I'd say, as my last word, hypothetically speaking, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,****

I'm not talking about me, just my view. Broken things can be beautiful in my eyes, just in my imagination, I have this vapor or smoke like things, comeing together like a floating, shaping together to make a ball. Then everything I see becomes beautiful thing. Just the way is.

Don't take me wrong though, my dark and half dead feelings, that lasted years up untill 2 yrs ago, that was all I had, had enough of it. True, I almost forgot, I did forget. I didn't see the need to have them around, keep reminding myself that that is also a part of the reality of my life.

I gotta read more, this is not working out.

What do you know? How do you know? Explain everything to me, please. I don't wanna dismiss my IN-vestigation. Too soon. ...I'm too honest, alright? Sea of my own blood. It won't matter, I hope as long as I can witness it.

Even my twisted view is defined by someone else before me, perhaps..

There is only one seat, one viewing seat and I'm occupying it.

ETA: me and my ****** writing! The last part is not really happening, that's just what could happen. So, I know I shouldn't be alone, jobless, my head is just too messy atm. Have a great week. And be nice to ppl whenver you can, you possibly can. ............DEFINE NICE!...just kidding.

[Takeshi]

I hope this thread is not too dark. for your taste. I'm not thoughtful person I guess. Just for this once, sorry if my violent thoughts offended you in some ways..

My life is surreal to me, every little things, even my body and hair makes me me. Strip them all off, and I don't know what would be left. Nothing. If I set my hair, I changed.

If someone like it, I feel good to and the opposite takes place as well. I do what I do, nothing could change that, I just have to see more by altering these scars later. don't know when. It is alright for now, I thought it was swallen a bit, it's just nothing serious. What's to lose.

I wanna ponder till my last breath leaves me. Hopeful. Hopeful that I'll find something there, I don't get overwhelmed by sadness I suppose, I left it behind or something. I've just decided that that's not the way to live.

Feeling the high and thought I could drop dead any moment, not all the way, but it is some part still true. I don't get stuck, I don't want to,,at the bottom of my feelings. don't know. No one really shows me the real power, awesome alive-ness..

I want to leave one last thought before I head out of the door.

I feel that one day without pain, ****, I'm counting yesterday too, that is one day too long. This disconnect with myself and what my body feels, which is nothing, they don't correlate, I want to fix it.

[Takeshi]

Little update, I just came home.

I didn't get fired, meaning I didn't get what I wanted, I have to get myself ready to go into a legal battle, which I've never done. I'd like to write how it all began and I'd like to ask many many help from here on this reality of life I got myself in. Emotional support, legal support, and mental health support.

I had to do it today, less than 10 marks though.

Now I'm sitting here, thinking, I never needed help from someone like this, ever. Something specific to this part of forum, I want to stop cutting, I can't start it when I'm at home, no matter how much I'm distressed emotionally, I shouldn't act on it.

Reason not to do sticky thread. I browsed a bit before, couldn't find anything that talks to me, because back then, I wasn't even starting this yet. Now, I may take a look again, I'll just see how it goes. It helps to cope, and at the same time, I know it's a wrong way to cope.

The last one was a bit too much, the blood got soaked through the shirt sleeve. But all I've been doing is not even big enough to call it a injury. Did I harm myself? I'm not sure. I got so much to do,,,

Anyways, I'm gonna have to get help in lots of places, I don't even know where to start and how to ask help. So, I'll probably be closing this thread and should you have any questions about what was happening at my work place, like how ppl reacted, or you can also ask me about the motives, my mood state, my past, anything at all.

I don't usually do this, but I think I'm gonna wash my blood in the shower soon, eat, take care of few other things and come back. There's no time to lose myself,, one post at a time.

[Takeshi]

Oh ****!

This is how I am doing right now, just that. My brain is not, ,, just overwhelmed with so many tasks thrown at it. So it can pick where to start, it can't set priority, it changes it's course, like I'm not doing what I said I was gonna do, what I thought right then, an hour ago don't seem right. I'm changing my mind every few seconds, in this kind of situation, I should rest, take the time, I need to make the time, right?

This is like I can't make myself do anything, 'cos that's gonna require more thinking. I'm breathing faster, and this little sensation and dried blood stays. As it is. Even if I did lose my arm right this moment, that's gonna throw me into more confusion.

What would you do? By the time anyone respond to this, my mind in a different place. Consider it asked anyways. I should've read someone like my mind, a confused mind, and how they dealt with it. This is different to ,,maybe it was yesterday. for 4,5 hrs time, my mind sank to the deepest point.

****!..I'm using this whispering voice to myself and saying this to myself. It's obvious that I write here like I talk to myself, and I do. I wondered about it yesterday, like how long have I been doing that? When I'm stressed like this, I do that out loud without noticing that ppl are around me. Someone heard me speaking yesterday, it was a bit awkward. I also stuttered a little when I was talking to someone today.

How fast do I have to breathe to call it a hyperventilation?

I'm not giving up yet. I know I need to get some rest but I'll give myself few more hours. Plenty of time to accomplish many things that could help me. I'm afraid how any of my next meaningful action could affect me.

ICE CREAM. Please don't laugh, haha, well, you can. It worked. I check my breathing and it is almost normal. I'm taking sigh of relief. Someone out there understand how little things can get so hard, I wasn't thinking to get that ice cream or maybe I was. Food, energy source. This works for me, I have to remember that. I already ate some btw, ramen noodle, that was my dinner. Maybe I should eat more..

Next. I have to pick my battle perfume for tonight. This is something I like, I thougt these beautiful scent I love could help me but I have too many to choose from, even one bottle contain so many notes. .......and I picked one, a bottle called "The One". I haven't used this in a while, and my sense of smell is okay, working but I might be coming down with something, took cold medicine just in case.

I guess I was right. I sprayed some on my cuts and this pefume doesn't hurt much. I'm not gonna test the theory, that's just stupid. a few days ago, I was using another one and that one hurt good, I don't need to cut now, yes, I'm still safe, but I just thought of it, the tool, I have the exact same cutter knife at home, I'm regretting what I did today.

I knew it was about time my boss was gonna come around and he did. In the morning, my mood was high as always, I felt that life's worry was gone, or away for a while, I kept it away, this new guy was doing the morning shift, so he left me tons of things to do, I thought those extra work was going to keep me busy.

I don't remember exactly but something started to worry me. I knew what was gonna come, I needed to be braver, something other than normal work routine. I checked the blade first, it was rusty so I switched to a new one, the point was sharp enough, once I decided, it was too easy. It was methodical.

As I type, I was looking at the scars, perfumed scars and I've just let the sleeve down. Looking at 'em brought up the desire for more, I said some but none of these don't represent hate toward myself, quite the opposite.

This became the norm, finding beauty in things, my arm right now lacks fresh red lines. I can think of a few but I'm not going for another method of injuring myself. It is kinda unfortunate that I have the exact same type of cutter knife at home as the one at work. Guess, it doesn't matter, the straight razor I use for shaving is another tool I'm familiar with,, could be too sharp though.

I will stop thinking like that. Perfumes still strong, this is like music for someone else, well,,smells very nice, I'm breathing too deep, this is just an escape from my reality.

After the ice cream, I felt a glimpse of reality coming back at me, when you are so confused in your own head, you need to pull back, but it's hard to do that.

I'm using the F word again in my head.

This perfume smells really good, and my head is out of it tonight, I still feel little bit of sensation from my right arm, what if I mix 'em both? I just wanna keep having fun, this is how addiction starts. This reminds that I thought today that I once kicked alcohol habit, then I should be able to stop this too.

I can't keep thinking this, I'm gonna go take a longer break, so I'll post this and someone can read it.

[Takeshi]

I wanted to be alone so after I came home, I spent over 5 hrs thinking on my own, not looking at anything that's told by anyone, I think that was a complete waste of time. I deleted another huge one, it had something important in it...pffft

I need a break.

[Takeshi]

Good morning, beautiful inhabitants of this planet. Let's not destroy it!

Someone posted a question "Do you trust yourself?"

I need more data! That's another way of saying of course I trust myself, and then, I so so want to trust everyone, even someone I don't know at all. Except few bad apples who deserve to go to jail.

At night, sometimes I don't trust anyone outside of my brain, they are evil with bad intensions. Doubts sneak in at any time of course, it's like oil and water, trust and distrust towards myself never mix.

The whirlpool of trust and distrust suck my brain cells into somewhere, like a black hole I don't know what's on the other side, the gravity pulls and that's confusion, I don't go ,,,catatonic usually, ,,,,,,

Diagnosis and the pills arn't the solution for me. Thinking about getting a second opinion though.

****!!!!

I'm sorry, who do I trust then? You have your reality and I have my own,,saying that with weak feeble voice,,Live just gives me a choice and ,,,Why can't I just fastforward everything and die. That's just another choice to make. Let me just slow it down so much, loads of fun!!!!!!!!!!!

There's no convincing anyone and I let others make me go Arghhhhh.

I wanna scream at someone, anyone, and I know it sounds crazy and i won't do it, but I just wanna say with clenched teeth, "Can't you just let me be for a minute? For a second? I am ****ing living, can't you see that? Isn't that in my eyes? Just look at em!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What would be my jooooob if I ever go to see another doctor? Am I ALLOWED to be a difficult patient? Am I a PATIENT, after one step inside the office? I'm not made to accept help for ,,,as long as I have this me, it just makes things a lot harder to deal with, it is problematic to navigate through life.

I kicked the habit of being depressed. Can't say for sure, it's not even a year since I got off meds.

I'm moving on to the next thought of the day.

Edit 1: I need to fix my computer, I want to change my mood. ****. My attention's everywhere right now. I was following this tiny bug with my eyes a second ago, starting wonder where I am...Everything's connected. Including myself. That's part of the reason why I am how I am. Dis-****ing-prove it! I wanna see/read about it. damn.

I become hateful, umm,,revengeful? maybe. sometimes. and they put a seed of doubt in me and I go like I trust myself, not trustworthy,,I get thrown around. Rebuilding this time has to stay up. I've done the ground work, it doesn't have to be beautiful, I'm no architect, I don't do engineering, but something with my own hands can be built there, it's going to be my design and everything.

I'm stupid.

Edit 2: This whole assumption that I may have bipolar like mind could be skewing things the way I understand things in my day to day life. I'm talking about right now, reading things here on PC. I don't get out much, even on the internet. It's nasty out there, man. it's not the technologies fault.

I'm not doing better this morning, am I? I am a lab rat in a maze, and if I were a researcher, I'll make a exit door for him, that's my response. Why not? Seriously, this part of me don't chage much, I feel too bad for the rat if I make the maze without an exit. Too mean. No matter how much I struggle in my own head, it feels like a waste of time sometimes, I'll never know what anybody else thinks...what the hell am I doing here? Let me be just me, I won't hurt you. But you say I do. It sure sounds like it..

[Takeshi]

I'm not taking a shower since yesterday, this is not good.

I'm not in a rat race. The reality out there seems so fast paced, because I'm slowing down and taking the time to think, it's like spinning at lightning speed, just saying. Not racing productively though. Thoughts get stuck and unstuck, I'm not helping myself.

From weakened mind to a stronger determined mind in a matter of seconds.

I was just outside looking at beautiful color on the trees, some leaves falling, watching ppl and everything right in front of my eyes, thinking I could lose all of that if I get treated. It's just life, find strength and I just follow it. I'm seeing more, comparing this to past big life change, life altering decisions, ,,,,,,,,

Who do I trust?

It's not about the outside appearance that's for sure. Suits and tie, they look suspicious to me. Always. or the upper management ppl. Things are built from ground up.

[Takeshi]

I've just remembered to eat. And I also remember eating food made me feel a bit better last night.

This is the sadness. How small my life seems at this very moment, it is just sad. Even doing the right thing, and moving ahead, this is just, ,,

I have to own up to my own mistakes, where were the mistakes exactly? I can't figure out anything in life.

This is just so strange, in my head, supposedly, outside influences makes me me and makes me do things, they define me. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. I just hear/read things, I agree or disagree, might get a little emotional, that's that. If my mind feels confused, it is understandable that I see things from both sides. Now that I ate a bowl of serial, calming down a bit, I'm still no where close to which side I should be on. cannot make decision.

I made a phone call though, it didn't reach..

Hurt proof vest, that's what I need right now. It has to work 24/7, I'm willing to pay good price for it.

I don't trust my own hands. It is unthinkable but I'm thinking it. This realization comes at the same strength as when I'm recieving every beauty through my eyes. I read and cry sometimes.

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I think I should cry without trying stop myself. Imma do it today, or tomorrow. Not over myself though, any volunteers? I'm half serious. I can read any sad story and I know I can cry my eyes out, feeling everything written there. I don't wanna lose control, so I stop myself, whatever helps.

So, I'll keep jotting down what was on my head out on the balcony few minutes ago.

What's wrong with me? I don't ask that question, it's a dead end. What do you think is wrong with me? This on the other hand, which I think is difficult for most ppl to answer, is it doable?

---------------------------------------

My boss called me back. I was gonna apologize.. he had to hang up though. said he was call back again, he was in teh middle of something... I don't know what i'm gonna ask him, say to him.

How the F am I supposed to talk to anyone when I don't have 100% trust in myself? Don't trust what I say but listen?

[Takeshi]

Don't hit the vein, that was a good advice, I followed it.

I cut like 20 today, it's like the same thing at work yesterday and the before that, I was on the phone and my old dumb phone got disconnected. It got rebooted on its own and I connected it to a charger just in case, while I was waiting for it to boot up again, I was cutting. Once I started which I didn't want to do, it wasn't matter of how deep it gets, I felt no pain, it wasn't a surprise, I was mesmerized by the beauty of the color of my fresh blood, I still think this is gonna happen again soon. I will work on it to not do it eventually, for now, it became a habit, been doing it almost for a week without a reason to stop, I just wanna manage it, like how to do it without making a mess, I don't want to have a bloody carpet or clothes, I thought of a shower room but I haven't tried that yet. It's covering a large area of my arm, it has to look right. I'm gonna keep em look fresh till I get bored.

This is a good thing. The source of the problem is sorted out, I'm shaving off my beard slowly, my cutting won't get worse, I picked a right tool. The exact same model of a cutter knife. Clean. And I disinfect the wounds with perfume!

I wonder what was really freaking me out, I still have the same head with a little heaviness there, I'm pacing along with my own thoughts. I'm still not ashamed about the scars though, I will cover it tomorrow, it might keep the same pace as before, I guess I need to think about the damage to the skin tissue. My scars healed faster, I want to believe that for some reason.

Nothing has really changed, this still could all be a dream. Ewwww.

[kariebell098]

Dear friend i think i can understand the situation you are in, but do not go further if you cut more deeper it can damage any nerve etc and cause serious damage to your arm, also if it got infected thing can go worse

[Takeshi]

Originally Posted by kariebell098

Dear friend i think i can understand the situation you are in, but do not go further if you cut more deeper it can damage any nerve etc and cause serious damage to your arm, also if it got infected thing can go worse

Things are heading south fast. Thanks for the comment, now I understand that the skin tissue doesn't have enough nervous system running through to give me the pain I need. I am in a really bad place, I see lots of veins under the scars I've been making, I'm drawing more blood everyday, HE want's to seriously harm me.

This is such a betrayal, I knew he was panicking so I(he) did it after the shower, he gave me extra cuts so I wouldn't be doing later, 2,3 pm was the time in the past. Of course it didn't work, I had the time before I head for work but didn't calculate the time to deal with the dripping blood. I still get this moment sometimes with this confused mind where I don't know what to do after I cut myself. I don't want a mess in my apartment, so this morning, everything dropped on the kitchen counter, I like to dry the fresh blood on my arm and keep it through out the day, the rest gets wiped off. This got me almost late for work this morning, I really need to watch out for this tomorrow.

In the beginning, they were all scratches. Later on, those blood just stayed on the skin, they weren't much. Yesterday when I missed the cut, for the next 3,4 cuts, I went back with much force, they bled enough. I don't watch my arm when I do it, somehow, this became my style. Blood, scars and the persisting pain, I do this for that order. Fine control is not achievable with this method, I just slash at it, and to cover the whole arm, I need to do this 3 times a day. Scars fades fast, but today, It may have been 2, I could be forgetting one more time. And these are not covering it all, I just want more. How do I know when I hit the vein? I can see my vein right beneath my skin, I could be hitting small veins already for all I know.

If I go deeper for the blood, I'd require stitches which is not an option. I already feel
how damaged the skin tissues are, so more cuts will make it just worse. For now I've sprayed perfumes, I rubbed on hand sanitizers, some perfume does better to give me tiny pain sansations for a few minutes at most, I don't know if it's the alcohol contents or the ingredients that's giving me more pain.

I get temptation every waking moment, my shift starts at noon. Plenty of time to sleep and I get so energized in the morning, this nice and slow morning reflection get fueled by caffeine and lately, it skyrockets my brain I'm panicking to manage the time, I don't wanna start cutting as soon as I get to work, so I do it, I make the time while I'm getting myself ready for work. The morning shower clean the wounds, yesterday's gone, knowing that I don't have the time to feel anything after I cut, I do it anyways. The rest of the work can be done later in the day.

Then after about 2 hrs into work, I'm still agitated a lot. I think about it. Today though, somehow my mood started to fall a bit, I was still trying to find the solution, the help that I need while watching the current fluctuation of mood all the time. I was trying to solve this from addiction angle, I did some work yesterday by jotting down my past addiction experiences, pot and alcohol. I suppose both case were mild by other ppl's cases, still, I needed to see what helped me get out, what sort of life I was putting myself in, I put them all down and my plan was fast forward the process somehow and quit with ease.

I didn't even open the notebook today, I just couldn't. What happened this afternoon was just horrific. I followed my own thinking and reached at one conclusion that my life just sucks. I'm usually a carefully asshole in a very good mood, the second I wake up in the morning, everything starts to shine, click and sparks in front of my eyes. Unless my brain's revved up like past 9 days or so, this is just fine even if some part of me knows that what I see is not the whole truth, my brain's doing its own preferred interpretations. It was harmless till today. Thought he was a good guy.

As the mood fell and the time came, I didn't think much of the mood I was in, I just came out of awful mind trip that I created, thought the new mood and my act was going to be a learning experience.

When the time came and no one was around, I picked up my tool from the desk and went to the adjacent room, a only room with a lock. The bandage I brought with me from home today, I took a look at it and decided that it was for an emergency, meaning to cover my blood woozing scars and to keep working. So I got myself a paper towel to wipe off some excess blood spill, Just note that I was feeling down, because my life sucked as bad as 5,6, even 10,20 yrs ago. No progress at all and there's no time for an improvement, I'll spend the rest of my life being this pathetic little **** like I'd always been. This was imprinted in my mind by the time I was ready.

The tool preparation was done through this unspoken order, I was just following it and it also commanded me to stand on this drain outlet that is as large as a storm drain. Sleeve rolled up, the humiliation began. The sad description of my life up until now was reminded, and I had to do it. Do it for I am a worthless person, and others out there are just living their lives, before all this, normal noises started to get to me, and there was also a guy on a cell phone talking loudly in a smoking canopy right next to me. All the working men and women who passed through my work space was getting to me and finally I decided it was time.

It was all lame excuses, they did nothing to me, I felt no ill feelings towards any of them today, no one annoyed me. Nothing at all but this evil, he was in command. From the moment I went into the room and locked the door behind, it was fast. I was moving like I was under a spell, a quick 4,5 cuts to bleed was commenced right in the middle of my right arm. The moment was a little intense, I wanted more, I wanted the whole arm to be slashed but I stopped. There was no panic, I was left standing there feeling the literary cold blood coming out of the cuts and trickling down the arm, past the wrist and dripping off at the tip of my pinky finger. I thought about changing the awkward position but the order was to keep standing there.

No one told me it was the punishment, I just resent the experience now, because of how it happened. And by whom. Although the red fresh blood was as beautiful as the day before, it was translated as me crying. This emontionless SOB may have been smirking somewhere I couldn't see, usually, this guy is in charge all day doing what he wants. The sad guy was brought back to the moment from the past, and I, who's typing this is another shadow who man this shell of a body after he's spent most of the energy and had fun for the day.

I was reciting this sad narrative to myself in a sad little voice, the blood kept dripping down the drain. I had to wait for the blood to stop and become coagulated, it took me longer than I anticipated it. A lot longer, I was spending time there for about 15,20 mins, I'm not sure. Eventually, the blood started to dry, still bright red, I had to get back to work. So I wiped off my hands and waited some more for the blood on my arm to dry up.

After the narrative had ended, HE started laughing. At first, I thought nothing of it, thought it was a good thing. I grew up, got out of the funky mood fast and got myself back. Cheeky, upbeat, funny or whatever self that has been supporting me, pushing me to better myself. I knew about his pretentiousness, sometimes he gets things so wrong, got me into serious trouble, but we got through them all. We don't coexist. We switch places and the laughter came in a flash.

Then I(he) stared to realize(tell) that this was all an act. His bad acting was a play game. You've heard what he made me feel and made me do today. Wanted to go further.

I knew this time was gonna come, around the same time last year, I was pondering the possibilities of me, myself becoming a guy who can make decisions, things weren't that great but I wanted to be the guy, I guess I was in a light suicidal mood back then too. I tried to believe in myself and this is what happened.

I don't know when exactly started to happen. I knew for a long time, that this divide of a human character was a reality, I almost accepted it without an ill feelings, that's that, we've experimented with a lot of things. By going off meds and letting myself go as high as I could go, I went down deep and revisited my painful past too, I hated myself so much, the words can't tell it all, thought it just stays in the past, never be brought back like today.

I believe that I don't forget anything, I just don't access that part of the memory, no undoing of the passage in the brain takes place later in life. You deal with it, digest it and move on.

So where was I? This deceptive mother****er is waiting to take my place in 5,6 hrs time. There was a few more things that I wanted to tell. I'm seriously afraid of this guys capabilities. I never dreamed of his mind trick from today, this recent delusional thinking may have come from him too. Not just a bad guy, he's nasty, cunning and whatever shows he's put on, they were great. I don't know what happened to him.

I stayed away, I didn't read anything while I was on the internet, out there at work, I was busy dealing with my own mind. This is just me, no one influenced me to do the horrible stuff he did. So I am afraid. Of my shadow.

(He's half asleep, could be still on a look out for what I'm doing here right now. I wanted to cut tonight, which never happened so far. I just feel his presence in my speech and thinking now.)

When I left work tonight and had to go through a security desk, I heard a vibrating sound like a cell phone. I didn't check to look, I thought nothing was there, somebody's bag or a lone phone on a table. I don't what it came from but as soon as I heard the sound, I got scared. And then after a 6,7 mins bike ride and came home, I turned the light on and saw my white cargo pants hanging in the room. That got me scared, it looked like a person when the light went on.

This is the update, I didn't really mean to post. The point is that this is not about the cut I recently started but the guy who's doing it. I don't think it's the right way to separate this guy in my mind, he freaks out everyday. He might wanna OD. The reason I said that is that's how I feel through out the day. I get drugged up first thing in the morning and go crazy, my mind usually don't go this high, blood cry? I was gonna do an experiment where I do all out crying my eyes out ,,thing by some means. He may have stole the idea there.

I'm the guy who takes care of the hungover. It wasn't fun, feeling groggy, light headed, and I was almost losing my balance a few times. I'm a working man, my job got saved, things should be a little bit better even if I count how traumatic it was to think that my job was ending, my life was ending. I have nothing to show on my resume, got no skills, there are other things that makes me a hopeless job seeker if I lose this current job. It was tough and my mind started to spin because I was delusional. I was ready to fight the last fight, I thought I was doing the living as it was supposed to be doing, which I neglected decades since I was born.

This guy, he's not whole. I don't know what he is yet, after what he did to me today though? The mystery remains, why now? I could be suicidal, closer to the real thing than ever before. The thought was there in the beginning. I started this all, to live, to keep the best part of myself that I worked on and made stronger. This is just a sad turn of an event and as of now, I don't have a slightest clue as to what my response will be.

I could be a liar, not a real person. Your reality can answer that for me.

[Fuzzybear]

Sending gentleness

(I like your quote )

[sinking]

Takeshi, do you want help? what kind of help?

[Takeshi]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Sending gentleness

(I like your quote )

I like when you talk. Gentleness well received, thanks! Now I have to find someone I can pass it onto. Pay it forward, they say.

[Takeshi]

Little update on the safety issues about what I've been doing to myself.

Even though I thought I was pretty much in control, leaving myself plenty of time and I chose the place precisely for the purpose, switching to a new blade made it worse than what I thought it was gonna be. At two places, the skin's split good, this is just playing with fire.

I waited for 2 days since the last cut. I did give in maybe for the very tiny part. I gave and getting some kind of return from this. It is not fatal in any ways, I can still carry on my duties. The focus should be on the doer. You interpret this the way you want. Thanks for reading.