[Kiya]

i couldn't hold out
i even tried to get in here before hand
but i was too late.
too late

[Cthomas]

Its ok kiya, just try to stay safe now. we all have times where its unavoidable. Im working right now. but if you need help i will pm you and give you my email addy.

Take care friend,
Colleen

[Rapunzel]

((((( Kiya ))))))

[bchlyn]

kiya... i am so sorry that you had such a hard time... can you call your t... sometimes i type the same sentence in my journal over and over until the urge goes away...lyn

[Kiya]

(((((((( all ))))))))))

t called me early today - told me to call if i get in a bad place - half an hour later i was in a bad place. but i couldn't call. i mean, i was in a bad place *because* of her call. Because it undid all the pretense that I had been holding together with. I couldn't tell her that.

[Rapunzel]

Talking to T on the phone can be really hard. That, and how it affects you and why, are very good things to talk about. I hope that you find more good places than bad places today.

TC,
Rap

[bchlyn]

sometimes it's hard to know that someone cares... when i need to call my t... and i can't... i call when i know his machine will pick up... sometimes it's easier to say what i need to his machine... then he calls me back... i am not sure why...but that helps me... when i can't even do that... i try and write it in a letter... grrrrrr how did we get to this place... i hope you can call... i care about you kiya... take gentle care... lyn

[bchlyn]

you ok?

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rapunzel said:
Talking to T on the phone can be really hard. That, and how it affects you and why, are very good things to talk about. I hope that you find more good places than bad places today.

TC,
Rap

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

yeah - why is that?! we had a really hard session monday, and i had i dunno what - a major depressive episode or something - all tuesday; called her vm and told her i was going to a support group. so she calls me wed. and my verneer was shattered by her call - SIed more than i used to... so instead of calling her like she asked me to if i got into a bad place, i emailed her because clearly talking via phone wasn't working. I told her about the SI. so she calls me tonight and all i can say is "HI... oh... ok.... ok...ok... bye" and as soon as i get off, i start crying all over again. i purposely made my self go to a church choir (which naturally wasn't meeting tonight so i took up plan b and got food for the cat and I.
I am working on being safe.... i am also frustrated on how i am supposed to move forward when that means tearing down the protective barrier that has kept me alive thus far... the dam feels like it's breaking.

[Kiya]

lyn- yeah, right now i am holding it together, ty. i do the same thing - call t when i know she's not available and the vm will get it. I can't show her my vunerability - that whole "dam breaking" thing again. I almost was going to cancel my appointment on monday so i didn't have to face her and deal with more *stuff*... but she beat me to it, telling me the office is closed for the holiday AND we're still meeting, time to be determined based on my work schedule.
i am struggling with this; it is good that she cares and is concerned... and i don't want someone to care... or, rather i do, but i don't want them to KNOW i need care. because that (to me and my *&$^# up bringing) is weakness and sets myself up to be*&$^& with. or the internal workings of my system will do it for me. =(
THis is not fun!!!

.............. and how are you doing?

[bchlyn]

i am sorry things are so hard for you right now... but, i am glad you t cares about you... i know how hard it is to let someone know how vulnerable you are feeling right now... but i think that is (unfortunately) part of the healing... i am glad you kept your appointment and are reaching out... even if it's too hard to talk with her on the phone... email and my way of hit and run message on the answering machine... is ok... because... guess what will be on the agenda for your next session... but the time between will give you time to prepare... and process the information so your not in that place as long.

my t asked me to tell him what was going on with my panic attacks... that he was really concerned and that we needed to come up with a plan for me to be safe while he was gone... he said that things were actually getting a little better as far as the boys were concerned that these crisis had been pushing them in the right directions and that in the past my panic attacks seem to correlate with what was happening with them... i have been having flashbacks or at least that is what i think they are... lol... they are familiar ones... but i realized something ... something i wish i didn't... i had to tell my t that he was right and we can put my dad (my hero) on the list of abusers... because if i didn't i would stuff it into one of the boxes in my head and by the time he got back from thailand it would be lost... but not forgotten if that makes any sense... i sat there answering his questions showing him my arm...which for some reason not understood by me... is still si free... knowing that i needed to tell him...and finally was only able to blurt out that i needed to tell him something... and then danced around the subject until he took hold and i was able to admit that my flashbacks (were in pennsylvania) which meant that the abuse took place in both places...i had always wanted to believe that what happened in california was my dad parenting me...that he didn't know not understand... which was really out of character for him... grrrrr so to answer your question... i am just peachy... but for some reason not understood by me i still haven't cut...just can't control my food issues at all...lyn

[Kiya]

(((((((((lyn))))))))))))
I've been using that phrase a lot too; "just peachy" - i well know what that translates to.

When does your t leave again? I am glad he is dealing with the panic. Wow - that is a lot of connections you've been making. Sure you two can't figure out a back upt or plan in his absense?

I think for me the system has finally reset itself. gone through all the cycles; the emotional pain, the cutting, more random crying, parts trying to get us to quit t, child parts wanting toys.... (i hope i am right in my assessment).
Got to get ready for work...
talk to you tonight?
Kiya

[mlpHolmes]

(((((((((KIYA)))))))))
I am very sorry you have this battle, I'm right next to you with the same prob.and want to help you best I can. Every day is a struggle. You are in my thoughts & prayers and I wish you a safe, fantastic day, one that is special as you are.

[mlpHolmes]

Hi lyn,
You are such a wonderful friend to so many.You have a lot of insight & expressive feelings. Your strength has been a great help to many. If I can ever help you,even to listen or whatever you might need, PM ok? Hope to chat w/ you soon.

[bchlyn]

he left last tuesday...i met with him on monday... but the good news is... he will be back for my appointment a week from tuesday...
the plan for Lyn to stay safe is...
use the treadmill (he always gets that in)
take the xanax before i get to the place of no return(lol)
journal
write him letters and mail them to his office... so my thoughts don't get lost.
so far i have done non of the above... i am afraid to take the xanax when i have to drive or am at work...which he doesn't agree with... he thinks i should take it at a low dose and it wouldn't cause me any problems. this promises to be a hard weekend for many reasons... and i have already been thinking about cutting...but... i have to have blood drawn in about 2 weeks... and the place that works would be seen....grrrrrrr and the journaling sometimes makes the urges worse... so here i am stuffing boxes again...lyn

[bchlyn]

mlpholmes
thank you for the kind words...it's nice to meet you too...lyn

[Kiya]

I must second what MLP said - you do have great insights and have been very helpful to a lot of ppl - inc. me.

Lyn, my MD has me on a suppliment for anxiety that doesn't have any scary side effects. One is Taurine (once a day) and one in Theanine (3 a day, one each before meals). Might be something to look into? I have not noticed much until I stopped taking them for several days and the panic attacks took over. They take a few days to build up in the system, but it might be worth checking into - then you won't worrk about driving with them in your system. I got them in a health food store. I even saw Taurine as an ingredient in the cat food i just bought at the health food store.

Kiya

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mlpHolmes said:
(((((((((KIYA)))))))))
I am very sorry you have this battle, I'm right next to you with the same prob.and want to help you best I can. Every day is a struggle. You are in my thoughts & prayers and I wish you a safe, fantastic day, one that is special as you are.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

ty - likewise. We can help each other thru. ((((((((hugs!!))))))))))
Kiya

[tulips30]

Kiya........I understand a lot of what you say. I have had several episodes where I talk to t. on the phone and I do not feel in any danger of SI. But for some reason, the phone call sets me off. I feel so stupid cause I have just told him that all is well. It seems crazy to me when it happens, but........there it is. I'm sorry you were feeling this way. It always scares the hell out of me when things move out of control so fast. Sending you hugs

tulips

[Kiya]

tulips - that's exactly it! I had wondered if she'd call, talked myself out of her calling - and when she DOES call- i can't talk at all or tell her that i had found a tool that might be used later. And BAM it is used within 15 minutes of her call. I just don't get it. A new member reminded me that this might be the layers and layers of programming - someone cares and checks in and that's the cue to try and make myself un... unable to be cared for - make me so beyond help that she'll give up and stop trying to "help" me get through everything.

"This letter will self-destruct" - Inspector Gaget.

[anyone]

Hi Kiya

"someone cares and checks in and that's the cue to try and make myself unable to be cared for" - that's exaclty where I'm at, I told my counsellor more truth this week that i've even admitted to myself before and because since then he's replied to an email I sent, I'm unable to cope, so I understand exactly what you mean. I was very grateful for the email, don't get me wrong, as it was something I was hoping I would get an answer to, but, the very fact he did reply has meant that i'm constantly getting flashbacks, it would have been easier to cope if he hadn't emailed me back, if that makes sense ?

You deserve to be cared for and I do hope that one day you will see that

[Kiya]

yep - that's it. just as you said it. i was hoping to get a response (and yet afraid and nervous) and then she called and it was far worse for her call (even though i was really glad she called). it makes no cognitive sense - and yet, that's the reality of it.

"You deserve to be cared for and I do hope that one day you will see that "

you also, SOMEone =) you also.

[tulips30]

Kiya, I definately think you might be on to something. I have those same kinds of feelings! Like, "Ok, at what point are you going to find that you feel you can't manage me or my problems? At what point are you going to say, you are just too much of a handful w/ too many problems?" I know LOGICALLY that all of this makes little sense. However, in those frightening moments where all logic goes out the door and you don't even concentrate on anything but the "task" at hand (injuring self) I can't even begin to process all of that.

I sure wish I had answers for the both of us! But, the only thing I can do in this moment is to say. "Welcome to my world" It sounds a whole lot like yours. I'm here for you anytime. In forum or PMing

tulips

[Kiya]

yeah - right now i am sitting here, debating on if i can call her and ask for a longer session on monday (it's a holiday and the clinic is closed, but she's having up meet anyway). So i know she has the time.... but can i get myself to ask... can i deal if she says no? Can i deal if she says yes?? lol.

[Kiya]

well - i called her. i was *really* hoping for her answering maching... so you know i got her in person.

She did schedule me in for 1.5 hours on monday and asked me if i'm safe til then... i've never heard her sound this serious. =( makes me feel bad. i said yep, but really i have no idea. i can't know for 2 whole days. i can only work with the moment. i already cut my hair (8 in.) and picked off all the nail polish - things i can "do" to myself when angry without causing damage.

she also told me to call if i'm not safe.... i make no promises.