I think I started SIing~

I am both sad and scared , I dont know why I am starting to do this but I found myself si ing last night. I wasnt using a knife to cut but I did use my fingernails till I broke skin and started to bleed. I think I am in need of calling my T again . But being that my husbands job is not doing well now I dont know if we will have the insurance to do so. Maybe with some more thought and talking about it here I will be able to figure it out. I dont know . Never did this before. Anyone got any suggestions or advice here? I'd apprecitate it.

Thanks so much
Tryin2bme

{{{{{{Tryin}}}}}}}

I know that you have been hurting lately. Yes, that is SI (one of my 'gateway' methods, if you will, in fact). Any of us here will tell you, it really is not something that you want to get into. It's much easier to stop now than later, after it becomes an established habit. However, your T should understand about it and be able to help you. I'm wondering if maybe you tried this because you are worried about the future and your ability to get the help that you need. I'll admit that SI was what it took for me, to be taken seriously enough to get effective help. There are certainly better ways to ask, but when you get to this point, you just might not have the resources to find another way.

You do still have insurance now, right? Even if you don't, call your T, and talk about your situation and your concerns and what you need. S/he will help you work something out so that you can get help. Have you thought about vocational rehabilitation? That's a good way to get access to therapy, as well as vocational help when you are ready (therapy comes first though), and you won't pay a cent for it unless you plainly are able to afford to pay your own way, which it doesn't sound like. They may be able to pay for therapy with your current T even, if that's what you want.

Wanting to hurt yourself is quite often a signal that you aren't able to tolerate the way that your life is right now, and something needs to change. It may take therapy to identify what it is that you need to work on changing, and how to go about it, but it really can be a positive thing if it motivates you to learn how to make the most out of your life. Most people in the world never really do.

You are welcome to PM me if you want to. I'm afraid that I don't know as much about your current situation as I wish I did. If you would like to talk about it, I'm all ears.

Warm thoughts and good wishes,
Rapunzel

<font color="green"> Could you just call your therapist? Do an on the phone session? If your husband is still working maybe could get in for a visit before insurance expires. Cut your nails and try writing about it. Hugs -- am praying for you. </font>

*hugs* please speak with someone ASAP before it turns into a full fledged additiction

Not sure about your case with your hubby's job. But most insurance companies give you a month or so before they "cut you off". I would get the appointment and go now, since technically you are still covered. They should cover you up until their given termination date. (((((Tryin))))) Take care of you. Holler if you want / need to talk.

((((((((((tryin))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel this way. Like the others suggested, try talking with your t again. If your insurance has run out, I am sure he will be able to think of some way of helping you, especially since you originally saw him for 20 months, is that right?

Yes, it is SI. There are various distractions posted around on the Net, this is from The Student Center :
<ul type="square"> Stay in a public place
Be with safe and supportive people
Call a friend
Write in a journal
Watch a funny movie
Go for a drive
Do relaxation exercises
Do deep breathing
Listen to music
Read a good book
Go for a walk
Clean a closet, a dresser, the kitchen
Take a bubble bath
Go shopping
Wear a rubber band around one wrist and when the urge to harm is
strong, snap it lightly
Hold ice in your hand (sounds strange, but it works)
With a washable red marker, make marks where you want to hurt
yourself. This sometimes helps, especially if you like to see the blood.
Most importantly, get rid of anything you could hurt yourself with[/list]
Hope some of these suggestions work for you.

~ Silver.

Tryin, it looks like you have been having very strong overwhelming feelings since you ended therapy. Maybe you need to call him/her and continue the relationship. Sounds like someone in there is really scared and/or angry. I am sorry this is happening. Please everone who is reading this don't be offended or think I am lame. Trying, Don't start a habit like smoking if you know it's addictive. S.I is a very addictive drug and you don't want it believe me. It deminishes self confidence and fills us with shame. You can call you t just because you are having all kinds of feelings and need contact. It's okay.

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Please everone who is reading this don't be offended or think I am lame.

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Whyever would we think that, wise? You're great!

I've been trying to think of something to write in this thread all day...and still cant think of anything because everyone has already given great advice. I just want you to know im thinking of you(and your watery basement)

Cx

((((((((((((((((((((Trying))))))))))))))

I am here for you. I hope you can talk to a therapist soon. Silver I really liked what you have written. You have some really good ideas there about distracting yourself. Thanks for sharing.

Take care,
Leslie

Thanks Leslie, but those aren't my ideas, I just "borrowed" them from a site. I thought they might help tryin. They might help others too

Tryin, I remember when I was where you are. I didn't start out with scratching, but that's irrelevant. Point is that I started. And I wish I had walked away from SI after that first time. I really, really do. It just feeds into the self-hate. I builds on itself. It causes WAY more problems than it solves. Please believe me on that. PLEASE get yourself some professional help and do everything you can not to let anything more happen.

You can post here and tell us if you are worried about doing it again. Sometimes we worry that we shouldn't post here unless we have SI'd, but everyone here would agree that you can post here for support and we would LOVE to help you NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD.

If you're interested, I also have built a website with some thoughts that might help you out. I'm not just trying to push my website, though, so if you're not interested, certainly do not feel obligated to check it out. I just thought maybe some of the things I have learned in my healing might help you.

www.freewebs.com/thecocoon_sipages

Good luck to you! I am hoping so much for you that I can't even express it.

*safe hugs* if you want them
Angela

HI Rapunzel,

Thanks so much for your advice and concern. Sorry its taken me so long to reply. I've been trying to think about things alot here.You said that you were wondering if maybe I tried this because I am worried about the future and my ability to get the help I need. That for a fact is true that I am worried. But I cannot tell you if it is the reason I tried this. THere are so many things about my future that seem like its up in the air. In ways I feel stripped of a life. I feel stuck. And I shouldn't because I have a chance to help my father have a better quality of life. So he at least has a family member that comes to see him a few times a week. I try to balance things you know doing for him and for myself and my husband too. I try giving my husband a break once in awhile from going in with me for supper with dad. I jsut cant seem to make everyone happy . And I dont want to seem selfish here. But I am starting to resent the fact that I have this responsibility. How awful to feel this way. For goodness sakes he is my DAD. My only parent .I've been doing this for 13 years now. and its getting to me so much. Idont know for sure if this is the reason why I started this either. My marraige is not good either. We are having problems. I have boundary issuee yet.Ones of going outside my marriage for affection . And I am not liking myself very well for that either. Even when I was in therapy I couldnt figure out what I was wanting to do this for. Thinking that maybe its just a passing thing for me that every woman goes thru at one point in her marraige. My husband is a good provider and he respects my choices. And I think he still loves me. But I on the other hand am not sure of anything anymore. I hurt yet because I couldnt have kids. I just feel this huge hole there. And I thought I had this resolved before I had my hysterectomy 4yrs ago. Yet I am finding that it haunts me now.

I am scared to call my T . I dont know why. Maybe its because of admitting early failure to my so called"graduating from therapy". Yes we do have insurance right now but I am not sure how much longer. They go from month to month on ours. So if he would get laid off after the first of the month we would haveit for the rest of the month then in January.Butif it happens before the holidays here then we only have until the end of this month. There is a scare of a strike too so then we will have no income at all. See there is so much I just cant pinpoint one thing. Sorry to go on so long . I guess after being in chat earlier, I couldnt talk in there aboutthis cause at the time I was SIing. I dont know if it was the fact that I couldnt get the words to come out or what. Or if in fact I feel shameful to have yet another problem and feel like I am burdening others here with it. I Know you guys will yell at me for thinking that one, sorry.Thanks for listening once again and for your kind words and advice. I will try to do something about this soon.

Hugz~
Tryin2bme

Dalila,
I am going to call in the moring to see what I can do. However I dont know how soon I will get to see him or even get a reply because of the holidays and such. Thanks for your help. My nails have been bitten off now, but they are still sorta sharp. Thanks again~

Hugz ~
Tryin

Thanks Spaz~ Gonna do that. thanks for your support.

Hugz~
Tryin

Ok 1Day, Silver, WW, Leslie, Sweet Crusader and Jet,
Thanks guys for your advice , I will do my best to do what I can to stop this. Things seem so overwhelming at times ya know. I will certainly keep that List you gave Silver and Sweet Crusader I will check out your website soon . Thanks for letting me talk about it too. You guys are so good to me. I hope I can be there for you too when you need me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{EVERYONE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hugz~
Tryin

((((((((((((((((((((Tryin))))))))))))))))))))

Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

((((tryin)))) you sure have a lot of support here.

I need support. Have thought about SIing to counter my emotional and physical pain... and the support here is good... well, it's a thought. I'll ask my T? sigh.

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But I am starting to resent the fact that I have this responsibility. How awful to feel this way. For goodness sakes he is my DAD. My only parent .I've been doing this for 13 years now. and its getting to me so much.

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Actually, I can see that you would feel this way, that you feel he is somewhat of a burden to you. I know you love him, but doing the same thing nearly every day for the past 13 years does kind of get repetitive, and I believe you said once that you also think he makes things more difficult by not doing things such as washing up, which he can do, so that you have to do them for him. It can quickly add to the stress. Also, I get the impression that your day revolves around having to take him the supper at night. You have to plan what you will make, and then make it, and then take it. It takes up a lot of your time. I think you do need more time to yourself. I think it is natural that you would resent him somewhat. After all this is a continuous task you have to do that you can't escape from, and you never asked to do it. I think you must also feel guilty about feeling this way... which must add to the stress.

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My marraige is not good either. We are having problems. I have boundary issuee yet.Ones of going outside my marriage for affection .

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Maybe you are not getting the right kind of attention and affection in your marriage that you need. This is kind of hard to explain... but maybe somehow your husband doesn't show his affection in the way you need to see it being expressed. For example (and I'm just making things up here), if say he tells you all the time that he loves you, then maybe you can just tell yourself that those are empty words. Perhaps you need to see demonstrations that he loves you, such as hugging you maybe, taking you out for meal once a week, buying you gifts, that type of thing maybe.

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I am scared to call my T . I dont know why. Maybe its because of admitting early failure to my so called"graduating from therapy".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes. I suppose you also feel like you will have let your t down if you have to call him again. I was feeling a similar way about having to contact my doctor if I feel like my depression is worse while I am at home: my counsellor says that drs often have people do things like me and they think it is good that you are able to admit you feel worse and go back. So maybe you should try thinking that your t will be able to accept that you dont feel quite righ and again a dnthat he wont judge you for it but will try to help you. In fact if you went back it could benefit you more perhaps, since leaving your t for a while may have let you see things about your life you weren't aware of previously. I don't know. Hope this helped somewhat.

OK My Friends~
thanks again for so much good support here, I apprecitate it.I did call my T. I waited till almost time for the office to close though but I got to talk to him instead of leaving a voicemail so I was sorta glad about that.So anyways. We talked at length about it. And WE think that the reasons behind this are the same that I have been dealing with anyways. He wants to see if I can handle this on my own first here, before starting therapy back up. Which I was happy about hearing really. I think part of his reasoning behind this too is to build up my confidence in myself and some more self reliance. Trusting to do what is right for me. And seeing if Ican do it on my own. He gave me some tools. Which I think most of them are listed in Silvers reply to me on my post about this. So really I just need to look at her post for reminder and I will be getting a call from T on around the first of the year to check in on me to see how things are. So basically that is it. I know some of you may not agree with how he is handling this, but I do agree with it. I want to be more self reliant and confident in myself. And I think this is a good thing to see if I can do this on my own. And its not like he is abandoning me either. He has always made it known that I can call him when I need to. So I always have that too. So Hey I did call !!! Yay Yay!!

Thanks again guys!!!
Hugz~
Beth

Cool! Good luck, then, Tryin'

Thanks Sweet Crusader!!! I am pretty confident he knows what he is doing by letting me do it this way!!! At least he really has never led me wrong before. So in a Martha Stewartish way, ITS A GOOD THING! LOL~

Hugz~
Tryin2bme

Cool tryin! I am so happy for you! I'm glad your call to your t went well, and that you agree that he is approaching this right. Well done you!

Hey Ya know I promised you all I would And I try very hard not to go back on my promises. So I am glad ALL OF YOU asked me to do this and relieved that its working out the way it is. Thanks too Silver for your "borrowed"list~ You've been a great friend~

Hugz~
Tryin

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Thanks Sweet Crusader!!! I am pretty confident he knows what he is doing by letting me do it this way!!! At least he really has never led me wrong before. So in a Martha Stewartish way, ITS A GOOD THING! LOL~

Hugz~
Tryin2bme

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LOL! I love quoting Martha Stewart on that. When she first went to trial for insider trading, I had shirt made that says:

"Insider trading (it's a bad thing)"

Not many people "get" why it's so d@mn funny to me! lol!