Any one else like this

i am in my 40s and i have never had a sex life, ever. (except for sa). i guess is it partly due to the sa and the fact i had few friends in or out of school. i never had a boyfriend or dated. any one else this age and had this experience. i felt like i am the only person in the world in this situation. now i think it will never change cause it is all i know and am familiar with even though i know it really isnt right.

sa=? self _____?
I think some people are like that - don't let it bother you. But at the same time, you are bringing it up, so you need to be 100% honest with yourself and ask yourself if it is really bothering you.
Some medication will do this to you. Also, you may have never found the ONE, that gets your hormones going and your heart racing.

I am not in my 40's (only my 20's) but let me say you do make me feel a lot better about the fact I have never done any of those things myself. I feel like I am doomed to be alone forever because intimacy terrifies me and I have major trust issues. I was never SA'd (at least not physically but someone on here told me a few weeks ago that I was by exposure), but I have been abused other ways and have grown up around extremely bad relationships (my mother has been in abusive relationships, my dads not a nice person, both of my aunties are divorced, one has been in and is now in another abusive relationship, my cousin has been in an abusive relationship, my grandfather is an alcoholic). I get really envious when I see people together, I was at the supermarket only 30 minutes ago and saw a couple with their arm around each other and I felt like crap.

Maybe my point doesn't count because I'm not as old as you, but it is very lonely.

I was like that. I never really dated until I was 37 years old. Looking back (I just turned 40) I realize that I started dating after I started taking an anti-depressive for headaches. For about 6 months I sewed my wild oats (and I'm working on a book that tells that story) until I met my husband. Now that we are trying to have a child I've stopped taking the anti-depressives and in some ways feel the way I did before I started taking them.

I had lots of excuses as to why I didn't have a significant other but the main reason was I was so unhappy with myself that I thought I was unlovable.

Wouldn't mind sharing more if you want - send me a PM.

firstmate, i a happy you found someone and are starting a family. i still cant imagine dating or being married, although i would love to. just cant not possibly do it. i do start counseling soon and maybe it will change, but i dont think it ever will. it just scares me too much.

First, who is to say what is and isn't right for you? That definition is always up to you!

But if you feel this is something you wish to change, then know that you are not the only person in the world, and you can take steps, comfortable and small steps, to integrate relationships of all sorts into your life.

Quite honestly, if I hadn't started taking the anti-depressives for a different issue I think I would still be single as well. I'm not saying that was a magic bullet or anything, but it was the change I needed.

I was scared also, and afraid no one would ever love me. I was involved with a man before that, but he ended up telling me he never really loved me - just what a person with low self esteem needs to hear.

I didn't want to get too close to someone, afraid they would find out who the real me was - someone I definately wasn't proud of. I couldn't see myself getting that close to anyone.

I told everyone I was happy and put on a good front. When I was alone I would cry myself to sleep night after night.

Sharing your life with someone is a BIG deal. It's something you have to be ready to do.

People tell us we need someone else to be complete, but I don't believe that. I've seen too many people willing to settle for someone that wasn't right or good for them just so they weren't alone.

In the end, you have to decide what is right for you. Notice I didn't say what's easy, but what's right. Sometimes what is right is stepping out of your comfort zone. That may be bucking society and remaining alone or looking for someone to share your life with. Neither one will be easy. And I can't say which is best for you. That's something you have to work out for yourself.

If you want someone to help you work it out, I'm here for you.

I think the sexual abuse and limited social network are difficult to overcome but not impossible. I would work on making some friends, volunteering or joining a group centered around an interest (and/or looking into various things to see what might interest you). One never knows when someone great will enter one's life, I was 39 before I was married/had a successful relationship. I see you are starting therapy and that's a good step in beginning to get some help with the SA and learning how to reach out to others for companionship, help, and support (instead of just abuse).

Just a thought, but an online dating site might be a start...

Mike, I mean this nicely, but no way would I do that.

Find relationship online dating or social network is the best place..

monero, I dont think you understand. I have never had a relationship of any kind ...ever. Not even when I was a teen. It makes me so uncomfortable to even imagine. Guess it is one of the things Ill have to work on in T. I dont think most people have this kind of problem so its hard to relate to. But thanks for the suggestion anyway, it was nice of you.

I don't have the same issue, I married really young and my whole life I just wanted to be loved by someone. I can see that this is painful for you, so I just wanted to offer some support. You aren't alone, I have two close friends in their 40's who have never dated. The world seems to be set up for couples, and that's unfortunate. Take pride in the fact that you have been able to be self sufficient all this time. Never having dated is a lot better then having several divorces (imo). I really hope T helps you work thru this.

Hi Suzzie,
Yes, therapy! I can relate in that I have a very important "issue" that I feel that other people can have, but I can't. (For me it's work I enjoy/life passion/career whatever you want to call it). I guess I can relate because in many ways the world assumes that "everyone can do it or can have it." Before starting therapy I went to 3 career counselors but always ended up feeling like they were speaking a totally different language. I felt like whatever they were saying was fine for other people but just did not apply to me. At the last one I broke down and sobbed (and made her pretty uncomfortable). I guess that was the point where I knew it was a psychological issue and not merely a matter of logistics. I now know that this is something I want, or at least want to figure out because it is an area of confusion and unhappiness for me. I think therapy is just the place to safely work on it. I know you will, over time, figure this out. With self examination (and help) things that were never possible before can begin to come true.

E

Hi Suzzie in your last post you said "I have never had a relationship of any kind ...ever.".
and you are saying that this would prevent you from possibly "Find relationship online dating or social network is the best place.." as monero said but you already are, you are here talking with us. So you can do it, you can start talking to other people and then you just see where it takes you. If you can come and talk on here you can talk anywhere - I believe in you....:-)

yes, I do talk on here, but that is different. I will never meet or see any of you, thats what makes it possible to talk here. it feels kind of safe in a way. but to talk to someone on here knowing that i would possibly later see in real life, that is completely different. that is why i say no to online dating and such. meeting people in person is a whole other story.

i'm about to be 30, and while i have dated in the past (and not in like 5 or 6 years), I've never had sex. I feel abnormal for still being a virgin, and not even attempting to date in a very long time. I had a semi-serious boyfriend in HS, and dated (very briefly) a few other guys here and there.

What is the fear for you? Are you afraid of being close to someone emotionally? physically? For me, the physicality of sex scares me. Why, I don't know, especially since I have not had any abuse. I know I'm capable of emotional relationships because I have some really great friends.

I think there are more people out there that have very limited/no dating experience than you think--but it is a tough subject because the world is made out for couples. I for one do NOT bring it up with anyone. To my work friends, we keep it superficial and light; same with my family. I just don't ever talk about dating and then people don't generally ask. But, as the years have progressed, it does feel harder. Friends get married, friends have babies...it changes their life and consequently mine.

I have no advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone!

velcro003, I guess there are 4 fears for me. One, I would be a fool to think any man would be interested in me. They never have been even when I was young. Except for the wrong reasons. Two, because Ive never had many friends or a close family I never learned how to bond to anyone emotionally. And also, Ive never been physically close to anyone, even family (hugs and stuff).Three, because the physical and emotional together mixed with the csa triggers would do me in. Four, I dont trust anyone, even myself. So I just advoid men altogether. I would have liked to of gotten married and had kids and done everything thats goes with that. But I know now that that will never happen and its ok. Thanks for being interested.

Your story sounds very similar to mine, I'm a girl and will turn 30 next year. I'm still a virgin. However, I have social phobia, so I have never had a boyfriend or done anything physical with a guy. You are so right in saying that it is a couples' world. Every time one of my friends gets married, I think, well another one bites the dust. I don't even really like going to any of their weddings because they make me sad, doubly sad because I lost my father at age 20 and it's hard seeing the brides with their dads giving them away. But I bite the bullet for them, because that's what friends do. I know it's going to be even worse once they start having kids, and I know most of them will in the next few years down the road.

It's hard when everybody's changing and you are not, it feels like you're being left behind. The fact that I am almost 30 compounds this fact. It seems more acceptable to not date in high school, for instance, than it is at this age. As far as feeling intimidated by the physicality of sex, that frightened me for a long time. But in recent months, as I have progressed in my therapy and have made a few life changes, I do not feel that way anymore. Men's "parts" don't seem scary. My sex drive has been through the roof. However, as much as I want a physical relationship, I know that this is not the only factor. I know that I am still at a point in my life where I just want it to be me, me, me all the time. I don't want to take care of anyone nor be committed to either seeing someone every day or living with them, it would ****ing wear me out. Don't even get me started on thinking of a wedding. I am not emotionally ready. Maybe that will change one day.

(Sorry suzzie, I know this wasn't a reply directly to you, but I hope this was of some help to you)

Again I want to emphasize the obvious that I am no expert but similar to the sentiments of the others your problem is not with the not having a sex life. That can happen in a repaired and somewhat healthy readjustment.

You endured unspeakable and unthinkable pain. You have nothing to be ashamed of but the fact is people who have been victims do feel shame and find it hard to resolve to the extent possible.

But you can do it! I would strongly suggest that you dedicate yourself to healing as much as possible before you concern yourself with the other things. Those things have a way of working themselves out.

It may help you to first understand that those acts that were perpetrated upon you are demonic and not even human and are a result of a evil spirit prevalent in this world we live. There is nothing normal about it and no excuse for it. You did nothing to bring it on. Of course you already know this but it may be you have yet to accept it as the absolute truth.

How are things going with you?

I'm just turned 30 and I'm still a virgin too....but I guess this is my choice, since I never had relationship that worth enough to the point of having sex, I do believed that I might overrated the virginity issue, since I grown up in community that saying giving your virginity to a man other than your husband is sin and disgrace, but now I see things differently and actually laugh on that. what I'm trying to say is there is no point of having sex if you are not really want and desires about your partner, I guess once you find this person nothing really matter anymore. and it's all your decision to make. When and with whom. chill out

There is no reason to laugh at people who feel the sanctity of marriage is that valueable regardless of what you feel.

While I respect your position that is your position. I wouldn't laugh at it whether I agreed with your morality or not.

In fact there is a powerful argument that can be made for people who do not share in a sexual relationship until they feel so committed that they get married first. In fact many studies show that people who are interviewed anonymously overwhelmingly wish they had waited until they were married.

But I don't want to sound like I am offended by your point. It is just not something to poo poo because you personally may feel differently.

And the bottom line in this thread is the aforementioned person who began this thread has a bigger issue to resolve regardless.

I'm not laughing people who feel the sanctity of marriage is that valuable, I'm laughing at myself who overrated the virginity issued that I lived for 3 decades myself, Now I see that sex has a different meaning for me, I think I take the teaching of sanctity in a wrong way, since the judgment that given by society is so so cruel, but growing up and have much more responsibility of your own sexuality is what is more important, and by realize this you won't decided to having sex with just anyone, that's the real issue and how important your future partner means to you before you decided to slept with him/her is different for each people. That's all