Confused

I hope this is ok to post. I don't know what to say really. I chose the name vader because i feel like the dark side takes over sometimes. I do not understand what has happened to me. I use to be non-sexual and now i am over sexual. I can't go on a date without having done very personal things. I just don't feel satistifed until we have been intimate. I do not want to be this way. How can I be more normal?

Vader it is hard to give advice on this w/ out a little back ground info. Are you male or female? How old are we talking here? What is your sexual background. Did this start after the first time or is it something new that just came about. I would like to help but I need to be able to fill in some of the blanks if it is not to personal.

Vader, i am sorry you are struggling...perhaps when you are comfortable you will share some more background.

There are many terrific, supportive people here ... please let us know how you are doing.

Rose

Hi Vader.

I agree with Rose and Big Mama. I know you're new, and it might be a little uncomfortable to share details, and that's just fine. No one's going to pressure you for that. But we do need a little more generalized info before we can offer much.

Based on what you have, can you isolate a point at which you went from being non-sexual to overly? There had to have been something to trigger the change. If something happened to cause that and you're comfortable sharing, perhaps we can help you with that. Can you hazard a guess, at least?

I'll be checking back. PC is full of great people who wish only to help. I hope we can give you the guidance you seek.

Thank you for responding. I guess i can share a little more info. I am in my 30's and highly religious, or I was and was a virgin. Then i met someone. I have dated before, but never went too far. With this person, we ended up doing it on the second date. I didn't expect to, but he came from out of town and I went up to help him get settled in his hotel room and it just happened. It was like a switch was turned on. I turned into a person that wanted it all the time. I just did it with him, but now we are not together and everytime i go out on a date I just need to get a "fix". I sound like a man I guess, but Im a female. I don't want to be like this. I tell the guy that Im not going to sleep with him before we go and then get all aroused, quite easily and loose control. For some maybe this is normal, but I want to be a respectable girl, not a ***** or easy. Last night i went out and we fooled around so much, but not intercousre. He wants to see me again tonight at his place, of course.. but I am really trying to be more decent. I have a feeling if i go we will end up doing it. I told him that i wasn't going to go all the way and asked if he was ok with that. He said he was, but sometimes its hard to stop. I think he is ok and not my type for long term, but I have a problem here...I want to feel that way. If I had a steady, this wouldn't be a problem, but Ive been going out with different men and doing the same thing. I don't want to get to the point that I loose count of how many I've had. Im sorry if this is too much detail. I just don't know what to do or say. I have I guess boundaries that I can 't physically keep.

Thank you so much for sharing and opening up to us here at PC. We are here to help one another and not judge.

I to am of strict faith. I am married to a deacon of the church. Long ago when I lost my virginity the very next man I was with I really wanted to be "WITH". My cousin stopped me because I was drinking at the time. But she couldn't stop me forever. Eventually this guy and I ended up going all the way. When I met my next boyfriend, which is now my husband, it was all I could do to stay out of the sack. I managed for a while.

I think it is kinda like watching programs on tv. Once your mind is able to wrap it's self around something then there is a better understanding even if it is of sinful things. Then you kinda get accustomed to see the same thing and then the next new terrible thing comes on tv and you want to see that. ex. first you watch CSI then soon you watch Criminal Minds, then you don't mind watching vampire stuff. But where sex is concerned you don't just watch t.v. you feel it, you live it, you partake in it, and it no longer has that new experience to it. You know there is more, bigger and better feelings available. When you are with a guy it kinda triggers that need for wanting to know and experience. It is extremely hard to walk away from. It can be done but my goodness does it take an enormous amount of effort. I agree you do not want to be remembered as "easy". You don't want to give the one you settle down with some day a huge number for the count of people you have been with. Respect that purity and don't hesitate to let the guy you are hanging out with know you are not interested in sex you want to wait. If he doesn't respect that then he's not the kind of guy to be hanging out with. More guys then you would think want to be pure. It is only when they think that not having to be is an option that it becomes an option. Once you take sex out of the equation you can really have some fun and get to know the person for who they are not for the person they think they have to be to get you into bed w/ them.

Be careful w/ this new fella. If you play sometimes you pay. You may not intend for things to go as far as they do and it is hard to say no or stop when your body does not say the same thing. Don't even start down that path. Date, go out for a meal, but do not continue to temp your emotions and his to. Your body's needs are great and hard to manage. God made us to be fruitful and multiply. That is all your body knows when it comes to lust. You mind knows different and natures drive to procreate is huge. Don't play with that. Good luck my prayers will be with you.

That helps enormously, and don't worry at all about TMI. You did just fine.

Initially, it sounds to me like you have a high libido, but given that you consciously don't want to do this and you mentioned specifically the word "fix," I almost wonder if it's something close to the lines of sexual addiction...but I'm also hesitant to make that suggestion. Webmd lists a lot of symptoms that don't sound like what you describe (and actually sounds rather harsh, honestly...I don't approve of the writer's language). I was going to include the link, but I truly think the writer's language is just overly harsh...I decided to omit it on an edit.

But please, I don't think anyone's going to call you a ***** or easy. I would tell you the fact that you cognitively recognize this as something you don't want but cannot help to do speaks to a set of morals that I think doesn't fit someone with either of those labels, and someone trapped in something they can't truly control. I don't think this is entirely "you," so to speak. You're not a bad person because of this. Please don't think that.

As far as what to do, if I were you, I would try to speak to a therapist. They can offer more help than we can due to their training, and I think they'll have the resources you need to get some help. Until then, you might want to make some effort to try to distance yourself from potential situations that could lead to intimacy that you don't wish to have.

And, of course, please do be safe?

My best,
Harley

PS: I am hesitant to do it due to the dubious validity, but I decided to include the Wikipedia link. I feel like WebMD, which I think is more valid, really needs to reign in one of their writers. It sounds more judgmental than helpful, which is unfortunate. Specifically on the link, take a look at Carnes' definition. Does that sound like you?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_...ostic_criteria

I guess part of me doesn't care who they are, as long as i can stand them.. and i seem to have some of the things they say on the list under wikipedia..I could easily be one, if i didn't argue with myself about it. I hate this...I hate the arguments i have about it inside. I just want to be free to do whatever i want with anyone..Then i think of diseases and stuff. I hope no one i know finds out who i am.. they would never think i was like this. Thank you again for writing. It does help to get this out.

I tried to post, but it didn't work. Not sure why. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate it very much. I just see that i could be leaning towards addiction according to the link.. I do need some help with this, but i don't have time to see a doctor. My inside feelings are so messed up.

I am glad to be of help Vader. But please try to relax a little, and not judge yourself so harshly. You're not a bad person for this. No one here is going to judge you for this, and I truly believe even if someone you knew personally understood what you wrote here, they'd understand as well. You are aware of this, and you are cognitive this isn't what you want to do. That requires morality of you, I believe.

It's going to be okay Vader. I still do think a therapist is your best bet, and you seem to understand that as well. I know time is certainly a constraint, but do keep the thought in mind. And do please be safe.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Vader. if I can do anything for you, please feel free to PM me. I wish you my very best.

Vader, I am so sorry you are having all this stress. I agree w/ Harley seeing a T helps so much. You do not have to worry about anyone here finding out who you really are. Thats what is so great about PC. We don't judge here because we all have our own cross to bare and do not judge others because we do not want to be judged either. I'm with you, I am glad no one knows my real identity. Deacons wives can't be talking about sex and such matters. But here I am human if you know what I mean. So feel free to be who you really are here. It is nice to be loved and appreciated for who you really are not who society has made you or says you have to be. Give Therapy a thought. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks again...I can tell though, Im not going to last...Im going to give in again. I know it. Its all I can do just to make it. Im sorry. I know this is the same thing and I guess I need to be able to accept that its all or nothing with me. I hate nothing and feel guilty about all. I was suppose to see him tonight and my engines started. Then I didn't have my "stuff" so I couldn't go. But if i had...I don't know why this can't be ok with me. Most people do it with lots of people. Im actually seeing two men. One I haven't even kissed...wow...but im not sure it will last, great personality but not irresistable. Im just thinking out loud here. Sometimes when I start writing everything im thinking comes out. I do hear you with seeing a counselor and if it was fesible I would. Life is just too busy. I don't get home until around seven or later and leave about six thirty in the morning. When i get a few minutes I go to the gym and that does help. I would be there now, but the rain is so bad I couldn't see to drive. Ok I know this is just a bunch of excuses. Well, guess Im signing off until the next crisis..hope its not something even worse...yikes...Wouldn't it be great to look into the future and know how it all turns out? Will I be a full blown slut or turn nun? I just don't know..My boundaries don't seem to matter much, so the only way to prevent anything is not to date, but I love to be wanted. Stupid emotions...
Just wish I was married so I could have all I wanted....

Vader, I still feel for you. You know the drill be safe, take care of your self and be very careful. It's a big dangerous world out there. I wouldn't want to be out there . Sometimes I think being married to my H is not so great but the alternitive is scary. Just be safe and careful. My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you.

Vader, I don't think anyone would ever call you a "full blown slut," ever. I usually think that title denotes a lack of morality in choosing sexual partners over simply quantity. I, for one, wouldn't call you lacking morals simply off what you've posted here.

Just please be safe Vader. Ultimately, that's what is important. I know that therapy can be quite hard to schedule, but I do hope you will keep it in mind. Until then, be safe, and please try not to judge yourself as harshly. You're a good person Vader. You just have difficulty in an area of your life. All of us, in way one or another, do.

Take care, and I wish you my best.

Well, I have found that this new guy seems understanding and totally respects the fact that I don't want to have intercourse yet. He seems like exactly what i need and I don't feel guilty.. wow..I could stay in his arms forever...I hope it lasts.

I did it again! I want to shake sense into myself. I was with two ex bf this week. I thought they missed me, but I think they were just horny!!!! I can't believe myself. Why do I always give in???? How do i walk away? I just don't know how to say goodbye forever. It just hurts so much becasue I gave all my heart with both of them. I just want to stay connected forever, but I can't because I realize they will always want me sexually and I can't say no. So sorry Im here again so soon...

Vader, please don't apologize. We're here for you.

I am sorry this happened to you. But please, try not to kick yourself over it. The key here is separating yourself from these two, which might be a matter of simply severing any and all possible contact. I don't mean to say that you can't be friends with someone you broke up with, but try to be wary of ex's wanting to inexplicably "hang out" or things like that.

I do understand what you mean about the pain of giving all of your heart to someone. It is simply agonizing to lose that connection. But you have to understand, if it was lost, there's a reason for it. Sometimes that reason can be fixed, but more often than not if it causes the relationship to end, there's a good reason for it.

I am rather curious...do you think your desire for sex can be perhaps related to your desire for that connection? You seem from your post to be upset over the loss of that as much as you are for slipping. I am wondering if the two could be connected.

But Vader, please relax. It's going to be okay, promise. Slipping in trying to fix something about ourselves is hardly ever a perfect process. There is going to be bumps. The key is having the perseverance to pick ourselves up and keep going down that road.

Stay strong Vader. We're all in your corner.

Hugs,
Harley

Harley, how sweet you are! And that is a good question about connection. I was laying in bed with my new bf and just loved him holding me. Just having his arms around me. I want to feel close to someone. And no we still haven't completely gone all the way..in case you were wondering. I really want it to be special this time. I want to do things differently. Im not even sure i can call him a bf because we have only been out three times. Two of those times were at his house though...lol. I really like him. And he respects my wishes to so well. We fool around in the most dangerous ways, but he always stops. I want him sooo bad.. but he knows i want it to be special. Unfortunately as I was driving home this morning, I texted him saying i was ready. Which means now next time that is what he will expect. Yes I want him like a big mac..but I want to be differenet too. This making us wait is so hard on the both of us. I figure im going to do it anyway, so why wait, but on the other hand...I want to be different. Im suppose to have another date today with another guy...but there is no way im doing it with him. He has the perfect personality, but not the looks..which keeps me from wanting to.
I want that lay in be with my arms around my partner feeling every night. I want the feeling I get when he does it to me. I want to make him so excited he can't stand it. We keep saying we are going to have a decent date, without the fooling around, but Im not sure its going to happen. I want someone to totally fully accept me.

Thank you for the compliment Vader. I am so sorry for the late reply. My campus has been having difficulty with the wireless as of late. It may be a bit before it's stable again.

I think you're at a good position to have found someone who you really want to have a special relationship with. I don't think there's anything wrong per se with a little fooling around...it could perhaps be a bit soon, but you seem really smitten with this guy, and based on what you've said, he seems to respect your wishes.

Just because you told him you're ready doesn't necessarily obligate you to intimacy with him. If you don't want to and he truly respects your desire to wait, he should understand if you were to explain that you aren't quite ready, despite the text. It might require a little explanation, sure, but I think if you emphasize that you really want this to mean something and that he matters to you, I think he'll understand.

I do think though (unless you're both understanding that it's an open relationship, in which case please disregard) it might be worth dumping the other guy. I think ultimately that if you want this to be different, it needs be shared with him and him alone. You already said that you weren't physically attracted to the other guy. While that doesn't account for everything by any means, physical attraction is an important part of a relationship (lol It is, honestly, how must people choose a date anyway ).

On the other hand, don't pick on looks alone by any means. Personality is (of course) the most important aspect of long term viability. It doesn't have to strictly mean picking one trait or the other.

Based a lot on your last and first line, I do think a lot of it isn't so much a pure desire for sex as it is acceptance and love. I think at the end of the day, that's what everyone wants. I think your problem is associating intimacy with that, which isn't always the case, but I think you're making an excellent decision in wanting to wait with this guy. I sincerely hope things work out well for the both of you, and I hope you will keep us posted.

Hopefully, with any luck, the physical plant will have my wireless fixed soon, and I won't be gone for so long on the reply. I can check back on my iPod, but I simply can't feasibly type all I need to say on that thing. My texting skills are lacking.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.