[picklewheeze]

Right so i was just wonderinghow people has ve managed in new relationships after abuse. When i was young i was sexually abused by a number off different people(males and females) following this i also got myself into a bit off a viscious circle with other men basically not knowig how to draw the line, i know how stupid and irrational.it is but i used to hate struggling. I used to feel like if i struggled and still got ****ed id been raped but if i just took it i was havin sex which i now obviously know is not right but at the time i didnt really know any better. Ive since attempted a few relationships but i still.find it very hard.to relax and realise that this is normal and right i still often feel disgusting afterward, just something i cant seem to change. I was just wonderig if anyone was in the same siuation or has been and how theye managed to getinto more normal relationships?
Ive more recently dabbled withe idea that im gay. I have wonderer before. I find it really hard to seperate how i really feel out from how ive been made to feel; do i really like women or is it just my 'fear' off men? Do i feel disgustig after having sex with men because off wjats happened in the past or am i just not attracted to them? Major confusion!! Help!

I can realy relate to this as I am struggling with the same thing right now. Every gay woman I know has been sexually abused and me and T spent a whole session discussing this. I am wondering if we resent our abuse and turn to women because they feel safer but obviously this is not the case because you were abused by women too Sometimes life sucks... sorry you are having a hard time picklewheeze

[likewater]

hi, i was abused by both men and women and from what i've read and been told SA doesn't make you gay. i'm sorry you are having a hard time, but if you are attracted to women, maybe you just find them attractive? i'm very sorry you were abused. that is so scary to deal with. in my human sexuality class we learned that sexual orientation is on a spectrum and people can be anywhere between straight and gay. i'm mostly afraid of WOMEN because of my abuse so i have only been in heterosexual relationships, but i have been attracted to and even in love with a woman. hugs to you and may angels surround you.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks for the response! Yeah there definitely seems to be a link. Majority off my abusers were men, there was just one female err i dont eve knoe the rigt word, she was more off a bystander used to be more off a conrroller and watcher its hard to explain. She did go too far and try it on with me once but she was pretty drunk and wasnt mean to me, to be honest it was probablu the nicest shes ever been to me nut was fokkwed up by her usual threats the next mprning. Wow this is gettin a bit deep lol just thought itd help if i explained a bit more. But basically i dont think she made me resent any woman but her, whereas there wre a few men so its like its more generalised. I still trust and feel comfortably around all womab (bar her obvipusly) does that help at all?

[picklewheeze]

Yeah maybe i just always was gay. Its so hard to untangle this thoughts and feelings. I would want a relationship with a woman more than a man, but im honestly not sure which im sexually attracted to. Whebevr i think about i always just think women because i trust them more, not necessarily that i want them. I know this is sometig i probably need to just work out for myself but i really do appreciate any input.
Im sorry for the abuse youve endured too.

hi, picklewheeze - rather than focusing on the sex - regardless if it's with men or women - try falling in love first. it is important that you get to know someone before having sex with them. it is important to remember that feelings of love must be felt by both participants, not just you or them.

in the gay community, it is more common to have sex first and fall in love later. but, considering your background, that may not be for you. (it's not for me either.) so, i recommend that you devise a strategy whereby you go out and make gay friends with the purpose of meeting someone special, get to know that someone special before having sex and then, when you finally do have sex, realize and feel and experience the difference of being with someone who cares about you and who you deeply care about too. it's a slower process and uncharted territory which will make if feel strange and slow but it's worth it.

the same procedure holds true if you decide to explore relationships with women, the only difference being that the crowd you will mix with will be heterosexual. it may well be that you are bisexual and that is fine also though IMO, more complex. all the best to you!

[picklewheeze]

Okay thank you. I will try. Its really difficult to know what is nornal, how long to make soneone wait. I know a lot off people say when your ready etc etc but i dont know when im ready, i dont really know how to say no to men. I think a lot off me is scared to incase they just do it anyway. Whereas i feel like a girk coukdnt hurt me, even tgough im sure they could. Its odd.
Just so ypu know as well im a female not a man soo being with a woman wouldnt be heterosexual apologies for my lack off clarity!!

Being a survivor of sexual abuse (male & female - mother primary), I opted for celibacy a couple of years into my recovery process ... It gave me permission to quit trying to prove to myself whether or not I was straight or gay ... It also allowed me to quit sexually abusing myself through unhealty attachments and relationships ...

Celibacy isn't for everyone, but it is an option worth considering while trying to sort everything out ... I, for one, am living proof that living without sex will not kill us ... Contrary to many popular opinions otherwise ... !!!

I wish you the best as you embark on your journey towards healing and recovery ...

,
Pfrog!

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Okay thank you. I will try. Its really difficult to know what is nornal, how long to make soneone wait. I know a lot off people say when your ready etc etc but i dont know when im ready, i dont really know how to say no to men. I think a lot off me is scared to incase they just do it anyway. Whereas i feel like a girk coukdnt hurt me, even tgough im sure they could. Its odd.
Just so ypu know as well im a female not a man soo being with a woman wouldnt be heterosexual apologies for my lack off clarity!!

If they truly love you, they will wait! There are plenty of gradual things you can do - holding hands, making out, etc., just as long as it does not lead to intercourse until you (both) are ready. It is okay to tell a guy that you prefer to get to know him first and want to take things slow. If that is not to his liking then he is telling you that the two of you are not compatible and can only be platonic friends. If you have trouble saying "no" to a sex partner then I suggest that you see a T who can help you to learn to voice your needs before engaging in sex prematurely in a potential relationship. A good T can also help you with tips on selecting an appropriate partner.

If you do not learn to say "no" to inappropriate men or women then you will keep repeating this pattern. It is important that someone demonstrate that you can trust them and have good values before engaging in sex with them.

Likewise, your desire for sex may be strong but you have to keep it in check in order for your need for emotional closeness to be met. It is not as easy as it sounds. As alcohol can often loosen up one's libido, if you go to bars to meet people then I suggest you drink only soda or water so that you can make better decisions. In fact, it might be better to avoid places like bars altogether and try social groups, sporting groups, spiritual groups, etc in order to meet suitable people. I wish you all the best.

[picklewheeze]

Hiya yes thank you.

Im.not sayig that i out it out and sleep.around or anything! Majority off the time i just avoid the situation completely but then when i am in it i dont know how to deal with it or rewind back out off it! My sex drive is oretty low tbh i only really sleep with people who ive been seeeing for a while and it just feels like the normal thing to do. Until after.

thank you as well p frog! I have considered and in times off my life probabky done it indirectoy anyway as to me sex isnt something i 'need'. The only thing is id quite like to try and 'change my ways' and im not sure i can achieve this while ignoring it completely if you see what i mean? I need to learn how to deal with it.

[Leed]

I would certainly hope that you would get into therapy to try to understand what is going on with you. The abuse you suffered was NOT YOUR FAULT. You shoudn't feel disgusting.

Please talk to your doctor about getting referred to a good therapist. You really need therapy and your doctor can get you in to a good one. Give him a call soon and he'll refer you.

You don't have to live confused like this or feeling dirty or disgusting. You aren't guilty and nothing was your fault! God bless you and please take care! Hugs, Lee

[picklewheeze]

Thanks again! I will try.

[Big Mama]

Hey. I am glad you came here to talk first and foremost. A good T would help alot. I am christian so my views of sexual activity may be a little conservative.

With a our ladies group at church we discussed as part of our lesson why a woman would gear a relationship towards another woman. And the sexuality of that decision as well.

We talked about how women are gentler by nature, how we are nurturing, how we know what women need. The reason women choose another female over a male can have to do with abuse, trust, and kindness. I'm sure there are many more reasons.

Sexually as we know women know there own anatomy better then a male often does so it would only make since a female would know another female's body better. Women do not necessarily need sexual activity to feel love and show love this is another thing that makes this kind of relationship appealing.

This is not what God had planned. Men are warm, us ladies have cold feet literally. Nothing like a warm man to put a cold foot on. Men are stronger. They have greater muscle mass, men are natural born workers (hunter gather types) even it they choose not to work so much. They are fearless and protectors. A woman needs to be with a man. Every man has a soft side and can be gentle and it is our job to help him find that.Men make us feel safe, men make us feel loved and wanted. We are wanted even if it is to bare children.

Men get a bad wrap because they often think with the wrong head. I was raped so I do understand what you are thinking. I married a man. I do not want to be with a woman. I have lots of struggles with being intimate. My H has just learned that lack of sex is something he's gonna have to live with. I just made sure he knew about the rape before we got married. That way I was not springing anything on him.

[picklewheeze]

Hiya, thank you for your response its good to hear other peopkes views.

Yeah i do think its good being honest and open so the man has a chance off understanding. I find that really difficult though because i wouldnt bring it up at the start off a relationship but once ive been with someone a while i dont really wanna tell them then earlier cause im always worried how it will make them feel that theyve had sex with me after everything. Its hard to explain.

[Big Mama]

Nothing against men, they are kinda busy thinking with the other head if you know what I mean. I don't think most guys are to concerned with where you've been.

Some guys do care. My H was paranoid he was gonna hurt me the first time after finding out what I'd been threw. I've had a couple of guys REALLY want to know what happened and a simple explanation was fine. I was suprised by the few that cared actually. That was a sexist comment above. It may or may not be the abuse talking for me.

[picklewheeze]

That is very true!!

Yeah thats what im scared off! I dobt want to be treated any differntly. I want it to be two completely different things, past and present. I dont want either off us thinking off it during sex cause that woukd seriously freak me out! I also dont want them to feel like theyve done anythig wrong before they knew vause they havent, its completely different. Does that make any sense?

[Big Mama]

I told my current H about what happened on our 4th or 5 th date. I didn't want to tell that to him to early. I just didn't wan't to put my self threw that if he was not going to be someone long term. I waited until I knew I liked him alot. I also told him early enough that I was not totally connected to him emotionally. So if he wanted nothing to do with me I would not be to heartbroken. We waited about 6 months after I told him before we had sex. He may have been cautious due to that or he had one prier sexual experience and the girl didn't want to pursue a relationship after that. ( A difficult ego blow) Believe it or not thoughts of the rape never occured to me because he was extra kind and gentle. I didn't give him all the details of what happened and still have not even after being married for 18 years. If you say it it seams so much more real. I don't even want to go there, I may never.

[picklewheeze]

Yeah thats the thing, its finding the balance. Thanks for letting me know your experience