I hate my virginity

That's pretty gay.

A buddy of mine is GAYYYYY. Lol, and would you believe he's an interior designer? Stereotype much? Oh much too much.

He's a great guy, but when he gets going it's like "Flame on!" (He'll even suddenly develop a lisp. )

If that's the case then why not do something about it? Doing the same thing over and over again will just end up with the same results.

Why not try and lose some weight? The truth, if you are very overweight ( and I assume you're not exaggerating) then yes that will be a barrier to men wanting to be attracted to you. That doesn't mean there aren't men out there who don't like big girls, but the reality is that you're limiting your chances, and with limited chances, comes the limited amount of decent men.

Looks are important to men, almost certainly at the initial stages of looking for a woman. It may seem shallow, but it is the reality unfortunately. So join a gym, eat healthy, do activities like swimming or running.

If you're clothes are a problem then buy some different clothes. Do you have any girl friends who can help you with this? You claim you don't present yourself in a way that'll draw male attention? Well you need to change it. Maybe get yourself a new haircut, some make up and a nice new dress. You'll be surprised how different and how much better you can look with just a few changes like this.

I've lost 160lbs. I don't think I'm able to lose much more.

I'm terrified of changing what I wear because it makes me uncomfortable. The Venn diagram of stuff I'd be willing to wear that makes me feel comfortable and stuff that is effeminate and attractive is two circles. I HATE dresses. LOTHE ENTIRELY. I feel like I look horrible in them and they make me horribly uncomfortable to wear. Always have.

I also don't have enough money. My
wardrobe consists of $5 unisex t shirts. I feel weird about make up. This all just goes back to me not wanting to draw attention to myself but wanting male attention but doing nothing to get it because I'm hopelessly stuck in fear

You've lost 160Ibs which is great. Why do you feel you aren't a capable of losing more? You've already proven to yourself you're capable of losing weight, of course you can lose more. But, be sensible about it, don't starve yourself. Eat healthy and continue to do what you did to lose those 160Ibs to lose even more weight. Until you're happy with how you look.

The truth of the matter is, that if you want to look desireable to men and you really want to attract men you have to change. That doesn't mean you completely change who you are, but you have to compromise a bit. Perhaps instead of going in a dress, you wear some nice jeans, a t-shirt and some make up? And once, perhaps a new haircut. When you go out with friends don't look or think about getting attention from men. Think about enjoying the moment you're out with friends. Look up on body language and try and practice those things to make you look less defensive. Men aren't as good as reading body language as woman, but many men can pick up on a woman who comes across as overly defensive, and since many men are afraid of being rejected, why should they ask you out? When they know full you aren't interested.

But the biggest you have, is that part of you is afraid of wanting attention from men. You need to get that sorted out with your therapist.

I have / had lots of musician friends, girlfriends, a boyfriend, a short-term fling guy, etc. Most men though not all - straight, same for women. I find it hard to believe that things have changed THAT much in 25 years. I mean - yes, there is a higher percentage of gay men in ballet and music than population-wide, but that all guys in your school would be GAYYYY sounds hard to believe. Maybe things have changed so much in 25 years - quite possibly they have - but the only problem I had with musicians is that my main composer boyfriend would not be willing to put on music during lovemaking, because, as he explained, music would have made him fully concentrate on the sounds to the point at which he would have been unable to make love to me. In other words, music was even more important than I was to him. It was a little disappointing right when I heard it, but later I realized that this is just how his mind worked.

Other than that, pretty much every musician I know now, and they are famous people by now, accomplished being in their 30s and 40s (those who have survived without killing themselves...) are straight.

On a completely different note, getting male interest out of guys who are otherwise known to be gay feels like a big accomplishment. It happened to me only twice (both times NOT among musicians) and it is not that I was after it, but when if it did happen (verbally without physical follow-up), it felt quite good, the way getting an A+ on a really tough, challenging exam would have felt. So don't completely rule out gay guys - you never know.

My school has an unusually high amount of gay men even for music standards. The composers tend to be straight but odd. The jazz musicians tend to be straight but taken or not attractive to me for whatever reason. The classical instrumentalists and singers tend to be gay. The composition and jazz department is quite small too. The whole school has less than 1000 people.

Uh I would never be able to listen to music during sex and it isn't because I value music more than everyone. It's because my brain is not wired to listen to music passively. I hear music, I'm conscious of it even when I'm doing something else. I listen to the words, harmonies, melodies etc. I can't turn that part of my brain off and asking me to do so is a little unfair. So I don't feel like being unable to have sex to music means you were less important to him.

"Otherwise known to be gay"... that seems a little disrespectful. They are attracted to other men. Not women. That's who they are. Maybe they are confused and are actually bi but that isn't my prerogative to assume that. I believe them and I accept them. I'm not saying they are rumored to be gay, I'm saying they are out. I get lots of "attention" from gay guys because gay guys and fat straight girls for some reason just seem to click. But I am friends with them not because I'm hoping they aren't actually gay and I can get with them, I'm friends with them because they are good people. Well obviously not all of them but the ones I am friends with are. I'm also not attracted to them. Well one of them is pretty damn hot. But I'm attracted to men who are more masculine than effeminate. I'm not saying all gay guys are effeminate but a lot of them at my school act and dress rather stereotypically. That's fine but I'm into guys that at least seem like they might be into what I have to offer.

You can be wrapped in a potato sack yet exude femininity, so it is most likely the thoughts you have and the unconscious body language those thoughts and feelings and fears create that are pushing people away, and not the lack of specially designed clothing.

Being over 6 feet tall used to be hard for women, but nowadays with tall fashion models, men are much more used to tall women. If you are so tall, being overweight should not look so overweight on you - your height makes it forgiving. Undoubtedly, it is still easier to be shorter or same height as most men are (I am 5'4'' and yes, it is a very convenient height) because your height might be intimidating to some men, but, again, with the advent of fashion models, height is no longer that much of a concern.

Your strong suit is your musical ability, and you need to capitalize on it. Women who exude femininity carry their bodies with grace (that is what makes it possible to attract high quality male attention being in a dirty potato sack, though nothing is wrong with dressing nicely if you feel comfortable in your clothing - if you do not feel comfortable in the clothing that you consider "sexual", you will look completely ridiculous/clumsy in it, so it is better not even to try, but if you know you will feel comfortable and move comfortably, go ahead and buy nicer clothes). For you, the obvious choice is to take dance classes, because your sense of rhytm and musical ability will enable you to succeed. Dancing will lead to ease of movement, grace, etc. It does not always help, but if you have at least some ability, dance practice will increase it greatly. If there is no ability to be graceful, dancing does not help (I have seen it happen), but if there is at least a bit of innate ability, dancing would quadruple it. Since you are a musician, most likely you have dancing ability at least to a modest degree, and dancing is what the doctor has ordered for you.

I do not remember if you once asked about being sexually preoccupied. Let me search my inbox. Yes:

"This discharge form said "are you sexually preoccupied". I don't think I'm addicted to sex seeing as I'm a virgin and I masturbate probably 4 to 6 times a week. But I do think/talk about sex a lot and I do probably view myself as a solely sexual object that no one wants."
http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...eoccupied.html

So you definitely are sexually preoccupied, and you have an incredibly twisted mind. Incredibly. Your therapist seems to be doing nothing to help you untwist it. Your choice of words is telling. when you described your clothing, the fitting term would have been "unisex". You used "asexual". I have never seen that term even applied to clothes! So, yes, preoccupied. You also used the term "my rapist". It is the weirdest word usage I have heard. Not even going into the fact that you have not been raped lately so all of it is just some useless hypothesizing, but "my" is usually used positively - "my friends", "my music", "my clothes", "my pets", etc. If somebody were to rape me, I would refer to him as the person who raped me, and not "my rapist" because I do not enter into relationships with rapists. Actually, several weeks ago my car was broken into at night, with lots of damage (close to $2K because I had lots of clothes in the salon that I planned to return to Macy's next day - I have learned my lesson and would never leave anything in the car overnight again). I would not call the guys who broke in "my burglars", because I cap the damage at close to 2K. If I start calling them "my burglars", then I would be entering into a relationship with them, suffering further damage. I think close to 2K is plentifully enough and do not want to suffer more damage. That you have these relationships with hypothetical rapists going on in your mind is just incredibly twisted.

These are just two examples of your language use that is REALLY WEIRD. I mean - OK, if not "unisex" clothing, then "baggy", "loose", "bulky" - some physical description, but nothing with the word "sex" in it (in the word "unisex", "sex" means gender and not "sex"). Maybe even "masculine", but no, not "asexual". Never heard of "asexual clothing".

Since the therapy seems to be completely useless, I would drop the therapist and spend time and money on dance classes. Since you are a musician in college, you probably have plentiful access to high quality dance instructors. Utilize them! They are there to help you succeed. Drama (acting) might be another good idea. I have not personally taken either, and would love to if provided a chance, but I cannot carry a tune myself .

If you continue with the therapist, the therapist needs to help you to become more straightforward. I realize that what you are posting only provides a glimpse into your thought content, but even that glimpse shows a very twisted, unnecassirily complicated picture. Say, viewing yourself as a sexual object that nobody wants... very twisted and complicated beyond belief.

I also cannot comprehend how you have lived till age 20 without only negative interactions with men. How about boys at school? Or did you go to an all-girls school, K-12? Did you have any male teachers (I know in some schools all the teachers are female)? Do you have a mix of female and male teachers now that you are at college? One would think so. So why do you not count those men?

I do not know what is disrespectful about saying "otherwise known to be gay" - please specify.

The way you are describing your mind is the way my former, now deceased, bf described his.

Both otherwise gay men who were attracted to me were not effeminate at all and I am with you on effeminate men.

Oh, I thought that a music school with fewer than 1000 people is considered big. But if it is not, maybe you need to make friends with the guys over at the school of Engineering...

If you cannot handle (1), then the rest does not matter. People who are not willing to take risks rarely receive rewards, either. For (2), you will need to learn the skill of deflecting male interest gracefully and generously (that means that the guy would not be so hurt by you). The skills comes with age and the earlier you start practicing it, the better. (3) as I think I have already tried to explain to you, if the guy likes you, he would like you, and not your skills/experience or lack thereof. Somehow this very simple, basic, trivial point is not something you are willing to grasp. There is a difference between a job interview and a sexual encounter. (4) if you get to that point, most likely he will not be disgusted, but you can always turn off the lights, too. (5) why? it would be a different person.

HA dANCING. I THINK I WOuLD RATHER EAT MY OWN FECES. HAHAHAHA I don’t think that would even be legal. All joking aside, I hate exercising. I hate wearing clothes that dancers wear. I am horribly awkward with my body. I don’t have any ability to dance at all. Just because I can clap my hands to the correct beat that doesn’t make me able to do anything physical like dancing.

My mind is sexually twisted because of the way I use my words? I knew that picking the word asexual was improper because asexual is a legitimate sexuality. It would be like saying I was wearing very bisexual clothes. It doesn’t make sense. I meant to say lacking sexual appeal and that now seems even more offensive because asexual people don’t lack sexual appeal.

“My rapist” vs “the man who raped me”. I have to have a relationship with the man who raped me. It’s not a far stretch to go from “my father” to “my rapist” because the man who raped me was not just a man. It’s not a relationship I have going on in my head. It’s a twisted reality where I face having him in my life still and having to pretend like nothing happened. It’s also a game of semantics. Whether or not it is a really important game of semantics is debatable but I remember we had a disagreement over the words “fellatio” vs “blowjob”. You said you would be offended to say that you give your partner a “blowjob” because it isn’t a job. To me, the word “fellatio” sounds ridiculous and “blowjob” also sounds weird. I’d prefer to be more crass and say “I sucked his penis” than either.

So how is my thinking incredibly twisted? Viewing myself as a sexual object that no one wants?

I’m not very far into my progress with therapy yet. There is a lot of stuff to address and how to address them is somewhat unclear. I like having someone to talk to.

Yes, I have had positive experiences with men. All of my trumpet teachers are men. I went to public school. I had male teachers. I have a brother. He is 8 years younger than me. It just is supremely different being around male classmates and male teachers than it is to have a positive father figure in my life. I never had any male give me direction for how to approach men or how to value myself or telling me that I’m worth something regardless of what other men say. The only “fatherly advice” I can think of from my actual father was “when I was a kid, I grew up to realize that even though my father hit me harder [than my mom], he had the bigger heart”. So worse physical abuse = love per dad. My mother was very overbearing and completely dominated the household.

Well, a music school with fewer than 1000 is a good size. A college with fewer than 1000 people (bother undergrad and grad school) is very VERY tiny. We aren’t affiliated with any larger college, but I could try to meet someone at MIT haha

1) I agree. Part of the problem is that I don't take risks

2) I meant that he would take advantage of me

3) wouldn't a sexual encounter be like a hook up? In which case, hooking up again would be dependent on how well you do in bed? Semantics again

4) I could turn off the lights but then I wouldn't be able to see him

5) flashbacks don't always make sense

I did not say that your mind is twisted sexually. I said that it was twisted. You added the word "sexually" yourself. No, your mind is not twisted because of the way you use your words - rather, the way you use your words proves that your mind is twisted. there are no bisexual clothes, either - I gave you lots of options to describe the clothing that is not meant to increase your sexual appeal, and neither of the "normal" words offered had anything to do with sexual orientation, so, really, no reason to invent "bisexual" clothes.

If you are awkward in your body, clothes won't do much good, I am afraid to say. You need to find a way to enjoy MOVING your body - just moving it in space. Don't call it exercising, but focus on movement. I do not know what it would be for you - you can even try basketball given your height, but it requires exceptional coordination... certainly not something I have. And the jumps, the left-right-left-right movements... not easy. Volleyball is easier and yet you can benefit from your stature. Hiking requires no jumping, no team effort (I can see how basketball and volleyball may not be your thing due to the team effort involved)... unless you live in the heart of Boston, there must be parks for hiking. If you live in the heart of Boston, just walk the streets of the city, but some movement is necessary. It does not have to be a structured class. Hopefully with movement you will become less awkward and, as an extension, more attractive.

...

So were you raped by the father? Maybe you posted a story that I missed. Without the background information, your post is hard to understand.

Hmm... if you think a sexual encounter is a hookup, and, that it is semantics, then indeed you do not seem ready for sex, so it is probably best to stop thinking so much about it (if you can).

4) and it is that important for you to see him? that critically important?
5) flashbacks - aren't you in therapy?
2) why do you think he'd take advantage of you? Again, you talk as if you were not in control.

The most important thing that stands out is the lack of basic, kindergarten-level social skills. You told me that I was disrespectful of two gay people by calling them "otherwise gay". Somehow the gay people involved, now, several decades later, think the world of me (as per written correspondence), so I have not heard any statement of discontent from them, but you suggested that I was disrespectful. Not understanding your point, I asked you to specify. You should have first specified and explained yourself, because that is more important, at the moment, than your inability to take risks. You basically made a false accusation of me, and when asked to explain what you meant, you preferred to talk about your flashbacks, your not taking risks, etc. - yourself. This shows lack of basic social skills that are usually acquired in elementary school. Sexuality is much more of an adult thing - if you lack social skills at such a basic level, you need to acquire them (I do not know how) and then venture into all things sex, but not vice versa. Say, you cite the "discussion" we had about blowjobs. that was happening against my will - you joined other people in forcing me to talk about idiotic things when I wanted to talk about love. So you made my thread about yourself - I wanted to talk to adult women familiar with love, and you brought up your virginally orgasmic peeing. You should not have even opened that thread, because you do not know anything about love. So basically you wrote long and completely uninvited posts on a thread that you should not have opened, and now you feel entitled to cite what was happening on that thread without even a modicum of being apologetic. What is that? That is sense of entitlement, and sense of entitlement is an extremely unappealing personal quality. It won't preclude you from having flings, should you manage to find people interested in having flings with you, but on a more serious level, that sense of entitlement and the lack of basic skills of politeness will be as damaging to your overall attractiveness as is clumsiness.

A guy recently sent me a friends request. I went in to accept it. I noticed your name among my friends. I have close to 100 friends on this site, and more of the requests were incoming rather than outgoing. I pretty much remember the outgoing requests, and, I do not think that I sent a friends request to you. So you probably sent it to me.

Normally, people who want to have friends understand what friendship entails. You do not show such an understanding. You should know that one can reach what seems intellectual and professional maturity without emotional and social maturation. The issues with friendship should have come up in elementary school and got resolved there. By high school, for sure you should be able to understand how to behave with friends. If you do not even in college, then... I do not know... Have you read Three Comrades (novel) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

By the way, what I have been trying to do with you is psychodynamic therapy, the way I understand it - no worksheets, no exercises, but just a conversation in which people react and give feedback without delay. I asked you to explain what was disrespectful about "otherwise known as gay", and you disregarded that request, and that spoke volumes. Your therapist has not been doing this with you, right?

You were talking about love and being required to orgasm. I can’t talk about love because you’re right, I don’t understand it, however I do understand rape and that the human body responds to stimuli. The notion that if you are in love then you can only orgasm to thoughts/actions of your beloved sounds a little ridiculous because it puts a blanket over all women. Some women are like that. Perhaps you are, but some women aren't. I don't recall mentioning peeing on that thread, but if I did, I was mentioning it to just say that the human body responds to different things for different people. Yes, you can say that because I'm not in true love I can't really talk about it, but love doesn't like physically change the way your body is and the natural setup within it. I wrote posts challenging your idea that women in love are somehow all universally physically different than women not in love. I did not change the subject off of you because by the time I entered the discussion, the thread was talking mostly about rape which is something I am definitely qualified to talk about. I felt that by saying that women in true love can’t orgasm against their will was being dismissive of women in healthy relationships who were raped and had an orgasm against their will. I also open and read lots of threads and don’t respond to them. The only reason I did respond was because of the whole topic of rape that was brought up.

I took mild offense to the phrase you used. I didn’t respond to it because I already explained why I think it is disrespectful. I feel it assumes someone’s sexuality. However, within the context you used where you dated a man who identified as gay, it is appropriate in that setting. I felt like the gesture was that you were implying that I should make a move on my gay friends or that I should hang out with them in hopes of dating them. If I were to do that, it would be dismissive of their sexuality. If one of them happens to be attracted to me anyway because sexuality is a spectrum, that’s fine. I just don’t like the idea of calling the men who identify gay as “otherwise known as gay”. I didn’t mean to offend when I said “disrespectful”. I wasn’t trying to imply that you are a disrespectful human being or disrespectful to the entire LGBT community because I’ve seen your other posts and I know you are not. I was stating that I felt if I were to wait around hoping that one of my gay friends actually was attracted to me, that would be disrespectful. I did not realize you took as much offense to me using that word as you did and for that I apologize.

No, it doesn’t indicate a lack of social skills demonstrated by an elementary school student. It indicates the fact that you wrote a lot and I either didn’t finish responding to everything or I picked out certain aspects to respond to because I was on my way out of the door. This also is on the internet. Social skills are slightly different online. I will talk to people and then just randomly drop out of the conversation and people do that all the time. But in real life, that would be highly awkward and not okay. Similarly, responding to certain parts of a long post is okay because we aren’t having a literal back and forth dialog where I say just a few sentences and you respond in real time and vice versa. Yes, it is pretty fast as far as communicating online goes, but it’s still offset by a few hours and I have lots of material to respond to.

I don’t take internet friends as seriously as I do real life friends. However, I do have discussions and civil disagreements with friends. I don’t recall I ever said anything actually attacking you. You can say that me saying you were disrespectful was me “attacking you”, but the think about that is that everyone is disrespectful from time to time. Everyone is sometimes a hypocrite, or rude, or ignorant, or close minded, I am and so are you and everyone else on earth on occasion. But that doesn’t mean I am any of those things all of the time. (Just to be clear, I listed the other adjectives as examples of different negative things that everyone is occasionally, not to say you are any of those). If my friend in real life is being ignorant, we have a discussion about it because both of us want to grow as people. It doesn’t mean we are attacking each other or hate each other, it means that we disagree but still get along. Personally, I think that having the ability to disagree and challenge each other’s point of view while still being friends is indicative of maturity, not a lack of social skills.

Psychodynamic therapy is a little more than just a conversation.

I agreed with you. I said that using the word “asexual” was incorrect because it is a sexuality. It is just as incorrect as if I had said “bisexual clothes”. It doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t replacing “asexual” with “bisexual”, I was giving another example that sounded ridiculous on my part. I wasn’t inventing bisexual clothing. I don’t think it proves that my mind is twisted. It proves that I made a mistake and used the wrong word.

I hate exercise. I should do it to work on being less awkward, but I’m too stubborn to do it now.

Yes, I was. I don’t particularly like talking about it, but I did actually mention it on your thread.

This is semantics again. A sexual encounter in my opinion sounds like a random hook up, not a romantic/sexual relationship. Yes, I am not ready for sex. That doesn't mean I don't want it or feel badly for not having it.

4) I'd like to see him. It's not critically important.
5) Therapy doesn't stop flashbacks. It helps teach you to manage them.
2) Because my father took advantage of me. All encounters with men are badly stained after my own father wouldn't take "no, stop. You're hurting me I can't breathe" as an answer. Of course I don't feel in control.

A random hookup is more towards a "casual encounter" rather than a "sexual encounter". It is not synonymous with a "casual encounter" but it leans in that direction, being a stronger term ("random" is an extreme of "casual" and "hookup" is a rude version of "encounter").

Sexual Encounter - definition of Sexual Encounter by Medical dictionary - a completely neutral and generic term

Have you made any progress - the summer is over, the new academic year is here... have you found ways to dress both comfortably for you and without being off-putting in the eyes of others?

Picking the word "asexual" was not improper but weird. You seem wrapped up in the ideas that you might offend someone by your language. I have not met asexuals in RL but met them on here and they seem totally fine and able to stand up for themselves. If they feel offended, they will tell you, and you will then ask for forgiveness.

Clothes are not described with the word "asexual" - there is no such usage. That you invented the word combination "asexual clothes" revealed what seemed to be in line with your sexual preoccupation (something that a psychologist wrote in the chart, right?).

Clothes can be:

- sexy
- flirty
- business casual
- casual
- slimming
- flattering
- bohemian or boho
- bulky
- body-hugging
- romantic
- this is fairly new - tribal
- modest-looking
- baggy
- revealing
- scant
- poorly fitting
- well constructed
- and many more.

It took me two minutes to come up with the list. I do not read fashion magazines. Women who do would come up with 10X that. But "asexual" is not on the list. If you google "asexual clothing", you will see asexual pride t-shirts.

https://www.google.com/search?q=asex...2F%3B250%3B245

checking for word and word expression usage on google is a good way to gain insight into how people use language.

I'm confused about why this has resurfaced. I feel as though I have adequately responded to both of these issues 6 months ago. Asexual clothing made no sense. A sexual encounter in my mind sounds like a hookup. Definitions are relative to someone's culture and society and the contexts in which they have heard the word used in the past. We are never going to agree on the words and googling definitions isn't going to help.

No. I am dressing the same way and I still have made no progress with men.

Fair enough. I was away and I am returning to threads for this reason.

I would suggest for you the following sequence (it takes a bit of money, though):

1. get a trendy frame if you wear glasses or sunglasses. Spend a couple of months getting used to wearing it.

2. get black yoga pants, a black tunic to go on top of it, and start buying unusual necklaces (the all-black background is forgiving and would let you experiment with different colors unless they are too dark, but you do not want dark necklaces anyway). This would be more feminine without being way different from the status quo, so it would be like a baby step. It would show your creative side - the necklace would be the focal point of the outfit and the variety of available jewelry would enable you to choose something to your liking. Finally, the outfit would be good for your figure.

3. If you do not wear earrings, get your ears pierced (one piercing in the classical style, nothing more). BLOMDAHL Swedish earring company is the best for piercing, and their website has a lookup of providers by zip code. The hole would take 6 weeks to heal, and during that time you will wear the medical grade plastic earring that was used for piercing. After 6 weeks you can start wearing other earrings. I would experiment with studs for a while - they always look classy and do not require any special hairdos. I do not know the shape of your face so I cannot say whether long earrings would be becoming to you, but studs are a no-fail option.

That is enough for 6 months of slowly growing into a more feminine style of clothing and it is an evolutionary rather than a revolutionary approach.

Best of luck.

I am also virgin and have 20 years, it's not due to my looks i had been told i am cute and my body its okay, the main problem is that i can't talk to girls it's quite dificult probably due to the social anxiety with girls its alot more dificult to handle and i also believe no one would want me for what i am and in conversations with girls you always need to speak about your past and i don't like to speak about my past.

I also have strong sexual desires but oh well, im kinda used to being alone and unhappy or empty so i don't even try to change that, when the time comes it comes, i have other more important problems to attend to right now.