[Yismymindblank12]

I use sex as self harm, because it was used as a tactic to cause harm to me, examples of my exes cheating on me or forcing me to accept and enjoy it.

I don't like relationships, because this issue is the heart of what complicates me having one ever again.

I have the feeling of hurting myself emotionally by fantasizing every girl who wants to talk to me wants to harm me or leave me in a sexual fashion either with me or someone else and is above all intent to degrade me to nothing.

I'm not weak, but it's apart of me being raped as a boy. Reliving that emotional pain is exciting, but I can't trust myself or love myself physically since.

So sex has been either a life saver for my self esteem or the thing I dread the most.

I'm more promiscuous and want to be more daring in what I do sexually and be safe about it, except I'm the one outside the box when everyone is very strict and sexually scared of themselves and stupid and or the other extreme they are not mindful and completely using sex to get their way and if you aren't perfect to them that's your problem.

I wish there is a procedure to take this out of my body the need of wanting it the stimuli of it feeling good, because it's my vice. I seriously stopped dating over a year and avoiding getting close to anyone, because sex is my form of self harm.. "falling in love" to me is another form of harming myself, because I want that person to go crazy for me hate me and treat me like dirt. I want everyone who cares about me to beat me just for the pleasure of pain.

I am very masochistic, and I've even gone far of getting myself very very ill and going to the hospital to get surgery and going in unbearable pain for most people just for the pleasure of people showing they care or the pleasure of the excitement of the pain itself.

I don't really like admitting this, I have fantasies of my ex or a new girl killing me for pleasure or being murdered.

It's because I feel people only want me to hurt me and people only care about using me till I'm all dried up. I've been degraded to a very dark place and I'm really wanting to tell my therapist this. I never really tell anyone this, because it's hard to admit. I hate myself and I want to die, but I actually don't I just like to feel like I do and I like people to hate me and hurt me physically, emotionally, and give me an intense pain, because I'm addicted to the pain literally.

If you don't call that masochism to not a bdsm way, but in a very extreme harmful way I don't know what is.

I think I put that arrogance above^ subconsciously to rub people off the wrong way, because I am really a good person, but people hurting me a lot and making me feel like crap is all I've been feeling so all I want is that. This has been going on all my life internally.

I think it's normal, but I don't know what you think?

Hello Yismymindblank: You say, at the end of your post, you think how you feel about pain & being hurt is normal; & then you ask what other PC members think. My answer is I don't know. And it's not that I think there is no such thing as "normal", as many people say. I do think there is something called "normal". Granted it is a slippery concept & there are lots of potential pitfalls in trying to define it. Yet I do think that "normal" does, at least in some sense, exist.

My problem is I've never been normal. I can't remember a time in my life when I felt normal. I think people around me probably thought I was more-or-less normal. But, inside, I knew different. I was just reasonably good at keeping it all hidden. I still am. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just suddenly let it all hang out, as we used to say. But, since I've never experienced normal myself, I don't think I'm in a position to say whether or not what you experience is normal. Perhaps there are others here on PC who are better positioned to do so...

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm not trying go all out on the normal part, I wanted to put that away to word it more clearly. I didn't know exactly what to say. Do a lot people do what I do I should say?

I really have this innate unhealthy habit of not really forming relationships with people and it's intentional most of the time, because I am not very talkative and when it comes to females who I "date". I want them to get bored of me, **** me like crazy and throw me away like trash.

I don't know what's wrong with me, because I really don't want what everyone is trying to force me into saying. You gotta wait to get laid, blah blah blah, you will lose moral value BS, I don't care! I seriously don't care, it bugs the **** out of me. It's like sex is a bad itch and self harm go hand in hand. I wish there was some way to shut this bodily function off forever, because I'm so not doing this anymore. I'm tired of punching myself in the head and using self harm as for sexual pleasure. It's like having a relationship is impossible for me, I wish I was a pretty girl, because I don't care what other females would think about me, I'd live my life much easier just letting me have more sex than I do as a guy. It doesn't matter as a gender stereotype. I'm just sick of being told how I should live my life, by others. I don't listen to them I disregard them all the time, and I'm unhappy, because I'm caged and everyone around me is out getting laid going to parties and pushing me away. I can't do anything, I'm stuck in a house a lot when I'm not at work. I can't drive, my interpersonal relationships are non existent in my mind maybe in theirs. It's like I feel all the time someone is never there. So what I do to fill that void, is masturbation, sex with whomever, self harm for sexual pleasure, and above all masochism emotional self defeating behaviors just to feel something. It's like a bad itch that won't go away. I wish my genitals weren't overly sensitve. I'm a guy for crying out loud not a female with this disorder, unless I'm ignorant to the fact this can happen to guys too. I mean I get painful boners not from fantasizing, but from fabrics on my clothes and it's not the lack of room it's like if I don't jack off. My body goes in so much pain after like 1 day. It's been like this since ever. It's like I can't get out of here my body is seriously hindering my life quality medically from my neuro problems recently and my sexual frustration and my oversensitivity of my junk. It's like after having sex for over 6 hours with my one ex who all of them were nymphs and had no off switch, that's all I can handle, because it's like after having sex whether good or bad. It's like it doesn't want to quit and it gets frustrating like my body can't relax and take in the natural body high it's like it's immune to it. I don't know what this is.

[Yismymindblank12]

I don't do it for the fun of it, I most of the time do it for to get my body to chill out whether it is fun or not. If I don't enjoy it, I'll do it with someone consenually even if they like what I'm doing. I do it for the other person's pleasure and hoping they take all mine away. I've had this persistent high libido issue since ever. I don't know how to stop it. It's like the hardest thing to stop. I am going to talk to my therapist about this, because I have done it all, what I was suggested about it when I did bring it up and sheer will power, and when I held it in for a month or more. It was so painful starting or stopping. It can make me throw up.

Y, have you ever been thoroughly evaluated by a psychiatrist? I hear so much chaos and torment in your words in all of your posts. I know you see a therapist, but they cannot prescribe, and perhaps an SSRI would be worth a try. Perhaps your thoughts would calm and your libido be lessened so that you can clear your head a little...

[Yismymindblank12]

This I like^^ ..No, because lack of appointments from financial reasons which is changing.

I am not doing meds. They made my body very ill last time, not risking it again. SSRI's caused me, epileptic problems, tourette's symptoms and I'm not going to go that route again. My libido got worse when I was alone for longer periods of time for the weeks and so on.

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

This I like^^ ..No, because lack of appointments from financial reasons which is changing.

I am not doing meds. They made my body very ill last time, not risking it again. SSRI's caused me, epileptic problems, tourette's symptoms and I'm not going to go that route again. My libido got worse when I was alone for longer periods of time for the weeks and so on.

Well, never say never, okay? A psychiatrist will be familiar with the mechanics of the medications, and you may do okay with a different one if you explain your trepidation and what happened with the last.
And perhaps your testosterone is overly high?

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm too scared to do that again. It's too much a risk, I've already told her. I almost died from them, before it's over and done on the meds. I've used to be on them for many many years before didn't help.

It is after puberty it was started from after being prematurely sexually active at 4 years old. I was raped, but it was very bad like I couldn't stop masturbating in class. It was like a bad itch, I didn't make it obvious I'd use my legs at the time. It was very difficult being the only kid growing up very very horny and my body was stuck to it like glue since. Now the last time I had a girl over, I had my body going crazy when we were going to have sex, but I respectfully listened to her request of not having intercourse, but the end result was I was in so much pain from the back up of me not getting off. It felt like I got my nuts squeezed to death and they were almost changing color, they were very bright red to closer to blue, it never gotten that bad before. I almost threw up on her because of it, the pain was unbearable.
I seriously might considered getting neutered at 20.
I don't plan on having children ever, my ex killed that idea altogether 2 years ago with my daughter being aborted and her abuse of it, so why do I need them?

[Yismymindblank12]

the masochism was a result from being raped multiple times as a boy by different people I trusted. Like I don't mean like molested or touched inappropriately, I was forced to have sex with all of them, because I didn't have the knowledge and too naive for my own good as a young boy. No one looked after me, and I couldn't tell my parents, because I was afraid they'll hate me at the time. I was going through hell, to think I want love after being used like a rag like that or think of having a relationship of course not.

I'm not in the realm of popular kink that most people are comfortable with, I seriously like be in the strangest kinks done to me. Most of it emotionally abusive for pleasure. It's like I don't know what love is. I don't have any resources for people in my situation with my sexual issues. I also was supposed to be born a girl, if that has to do anything with it. I have a woman's bone structure hiding in my male muscle structure. I had a female brain, I don't only look at love from what everyone else does when it comes to guys. In honesty, I don't care anymore, because my life will end up as hook ups and sex clubs, because I won't feel safe in anywhere except places I can feel comfortable expressing myself.

It's so weird for me saying this from where I come from, but it's like out of all of my friends' no one would ever be alive as long as I have with the issues I carry all the time. I'm 100% confident other people wouldn't have the courage to be choosing to make themselves happy like I do they'd all be dead, but I don't get mad at them when they never try to listen or understand. I just want to be out of my house, be young free, make more mistakes, except not when it comes to birth control, have sex with more people because I don't care what people would think of me. Not even my friends or family, I have self respect, because I'm tired being forced to hate myself for having the kinks I have with wanting multiple partners, being bi sexual possibly, but I'll never know because of this conservative city I live in where people like me are condemned and shunned.

I have to shut myself out and make lies about my sexual self, and to girls I have sex with or date. I have to, it's never happened where someone actually understands and gives me that relief I can relax without feeling like a freak.

It's because I was raped and used to being used like a tool, maybe I don't like having that happen to me anymore.
I wanted to eventually meet a girl, who is sexually compatible, but is my best friend thick and through. I don't get jealous of stupid crap with sex anymore, because it's made me an angry hateful person when people make drama through sex, because they don't understand their own.

It bugs me, I feel like, I should hide away. I wish I could be an attractive girl, because then I could do what I can't do as a guy. I would be comfortable in my own skin not just how I look or how other people would give the me the attention, but I could use my common sense easier and no more blue balls that are bout to break a vein. Like, I'm not trying to say girls have it easier, I know what my sister goes through with boys, I protect her from mean people, but she is one of the brightest, most stubborn, good head on her shoulders girl and sister a brother could ask for. I would definitely be more like her. I'd be an older sister instead. It's like why I like the idea of it, if I could have sex with two guys as a female. I'd like guys to be rough on me, but as a guy myself now. No I wouldn't have it cross my mind. Instead, I like the fantasy vise versa where like 10 females have me held down to have sex with them all. It's not being sub or dom, I'd be dom, but I like the vulnerability.

[Yismymindblank12]

It hurts, when you want to be yourself, be who you are, and being told you are evil for such things. I'm sick of it, I can't help it. I wish it would go away.
It's either, I get them chopped off, or I can be who I'd like to be so I can easily comfort myself emotionally knowing sex isn't as scary what people make it. I only had sex with 4 females. 2 were casual, 2 were dates I had a great sex life with them for a very long time. All the girls I dated were cheaters, because they were nymphos not coming from me from them. I seriously did some crazy weird crap and I don't want to revisit those memories, because it wasn't a relationship in the end, because it was only about sex.

I don't have that happy medium, either someone who likes too tease too much and never gives and I get bored with them quick or someone who gives too much it makes me feel terrible and want to get out because they aren't healthy for me or them.

I seriously loved my ex girlfriend J... because she and I were unlikely, but really hit it off as good friends. I just didn't appreciate the drugs and her not communicating, and I understand she was not in a healthy place her parents are dead and she does alot of drugs and alcohol. Why she is my ex is because of the bad health choices through drugs and alcohol. I sometimes now feel like she is dead now. It hurts, a lot, and my ex before her was the one who I was supposed to have my beautiful daughter, but taken away from me and regardless. She would have custody even though I'd fear my daughter's life would be corrupted by her abusive compulsive behavior. I was afraid she hurt her physically and emotionally if she was alive now. I would never see her, she make up stupid stories and lies and no one would believe her, but understand she would still have custody. It really hits me, man I would of been dead now. Knowing I can't see my daughter, and the pain she is being put through now. My ex dates really messed up people and I don't trust anyone she would bring in her life.

That's why I'll never have children not doing that again.

[Yismymindblank12]

She always and my mom back and forth with my friends telling me. I am not right because my sexuality kinks aren't like everyone else's my ex who would of had my daughter actually did that stuff alot and assumes I can't do it. I'm not good enough to handle it.

It's seriously BS. It's why I have a lot of hate in this world of sex negativity, because it's always made to be a lose lose. Nothing simple, all drama, and so much addiction. It's like a pit, I am searching a way out but nothing is working.

I hear massive confusion in your head.

I am not a therapist, but I feel as if you don't know where to put your emotions. You would like all of these feelings to be in some sort of order so that you can deal with each one on an individual basis. Perhaps some of them are not permanent. Perhaps some of them are emotions that are simply a by product of growth and maturity.

I also hear you borrowing trouble. There is no need to speculate. Let go of the "what ifs" in your life. Be in the present and let the future go...

I do hope that you journal. It would help tremendously.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'd rather not deal with them period, but I got no place to go. I did let it go, I just still wonder why I'm still here bothering with this. It feels like, everytime someone wants sex or a relationship. It feels, like I'm in a nightmare, like they want to put chains on me and hold me down. So I leave as fast I can when they expect me too, I don't care what society thinks of me being very critical stamping my feet on the ground staying single. I'm not doing it, ever and I mean it.

[Yismymindblank12]

If for me to stay, they really have to show some character, be an awesome person to be around, not all the time just someone who doesn't expect so much from me and be so hard on me like everyone else and I can easily accommodate the same respect no problem like in my previous relationships. I hate it how now, I'm surrounded by self loathing losers you're stuck around them in such a large area you start to become one yourself. I'm not letting that happen, I don't want to be sucked into a dull life and expect to do house chores of someone who won't clean up after themselves and put their problems on me. I'm not going to have children or be around anyone who expects me to pick up after them. I will not have it again, I am never stooping myself so low for another person like I did with the females I've dated before. I demand respect through my actions, and they do the same for me, but I don't want the same BS like before of playing cat and mouse whose going to be put in the ******* first. I learned from my mistakes I don't get clingy I don't put sex at a high priority with love that's childish and silly. I don't make things so harder on the other person on expectations, but only expect respect and mindfulness. I want someone who cares, seriously. I put physical attraction on low priority list, but someone I can be free sexually and they can too and I won't be jealous I want that trust so bad. That confidence and security someone is going to be your best friend no matter what, together or not. It's not leaving, I'm not into the superficial garbage everyone is into, I'm more daring and enjoy being different. Unfortunately from my family, friends, and people I'm constantly around. I get bored very very easily, I like to stimulate my mind intelligently all the time and learn things and take it serious effort to learn from my own self and others with the world around me.

I want someone like me in the regards of intelligence self respect and respect of others mindfulness. Like I said someone who cares, and doesn't judge and not just barely tolerates someone who accepts, validates, and encourages me positively. Instead of saying, "eww you're gross, too needy, you gotta attend my needs before I help you all the time." It's people like that, who indulge in that laziness doesn't work for me, and a lot of everyone I know my age settles for looks and that personality, which isn't bad if they like it, but I can't stand it, it feels entrapping, scary, and it feels like you're with someone who constantly has a gun to your head at the same time it feels sexually exciting which.

I finally learned after 8 ex girlfriends, that's not sexy, even though my body enjoys that punishment. I emotionally hate it, and it's degrading as a human. It bugs me when I was in that state it doesn't matter how dominant you think you are, that person gets in your vulnerable spot. Assumes weakness wreaks havoc on your personal well being from the inside out then later finds a bigger tougher guy to leech on and uses her sexual prowess to gain power and also her female vulnerability as a form of manipulation for her only benefit and hurting everyone around her even family.

I'm not going to lie, I had enough of girls like that. Who are children and won't grow up they should not have children and if they do. I hope those kids grow up ok, because they were completely miserable to be around. I couldn't stand my self was so damaged by the sex I was engaged my virginity taken by these emotional leeches instead of fixing themselves they target weaker people. Like the girl who took my virginity took advantage of that and admittedly brags a lot about how she used me to get so much sex, and she always came back for more from me, because she knew she liked it the best.

She never loved me, only my body parts.

It's why I hate being a guy, and people assume only women have this. No no no you have not experienced what I experienced. It can happen to anyone. I left because I needed to take care of myself for once and now I feel like I'm dying a lot, because I grieved so much losing a child with one in a very terrifying dramatic situation that should of been avoided, but I'm glad the abortion happened, because my daughter would of been born into hell and I could never live the rest of my life with that on my conscience while my ex brings whatever stranger home to who knows what he could do.

I kept in my pants, but after being sexually assaulted a lot and violently raped against my own will when I was a vulnerable child. Masturbation and sexual depression a high libido and the hatred of everything about my body came into play because of all of it.

I seriously want someone who can end it, just someone who knows and trust I'm not going all banshee like every other if another guy touches her or flirts, because she has the common sense and she respects me. If something went wrong she told me, and made sure I'm 1 on priority list emotionally, but it wouldn't be just that. It be my investing to make sure I'd be her support all the way and our relationship would be on a strong friendship. Not, "you sucked his **** and had sex with blah blah blah. YOU *****! You're a cheater" like I see everywhere. It's so silly. I can't understand why people around me want to date someone for the dumbest superficial reasons and have it all fall apart from someone not communicating has sex with some girl or guy whatever and it all blows up to something it shouldn't.

That's why relationships fail no one cares to tend if it needs to. It's also because the same has been done unto them, but can't people just stop and think. That when you mature you will realize that if you keep leaving people and people keep leaving you whose is really going to stay, because everyone is going to play hot potato for however how long till they settled for someone they really like that may not be what they really want or someone that works for them thankfully.

I stopped caring, about that stupid petty stuff I see on tv and what everyone worries about when it comes to girls integrity or guys when it comes to relationships and above all sexuality. I can see where this sex negativity comes from, it starts from guys who choose not to care, then women who were hurt end up doing the same thing to other guys and girls. It's a vicious cycle that no one cares to notice and it's what's making me say no no no no no.

When someone likes me, I really am experiencing what girls feel when a guy tells them they are beautiful and can't count how many times a guy said that to her.
I feel it a lot, and when a girl does say a compliment I don't take it an offense ever. Just only it's implication is really dicey and I don't think they are just being nice, because it's not that I'm shy. I just lost credibility of what people say about me, when a girl says something trying to get my attention or wants me to make moves on her. I'm wondering, "is this really worth my time? I really should tell her no now, but I'll see. Is she really what I'm sexually attracted to? Most importantly how long is she going to care and keep this attention up if I went for her?"

I always do this and don't make moves often, because they aren't deserved for people who expect me because I'm a guy. I won't give attention even if you are beautiful if you are fishing for compliments you get none from me or just a quick, "nice" and look away to ignore you faster. I'm seriously being a "****" because I'm sick of this crap I get.

Seriously, I hate being a guy because of this. It's like I tell her to grow up and I get called out for it when I didn't smack her ***, or tell her anything sexual or trying to push myself on her, because I'm not going to be like that. I was raped violently from people who did that to me, what makes you think I would like to do that to someone else. It puts me off in the worst mood.

I don't hate women, just stupid ignorant women who make it harder for themselves and other guys and women alike. I don't settle anymore. sorry not sorry. They are the same people who call me the "nice guy" when in reality. I'm a good person, but I'm not their version of a "nice guy" I'd be a complete asshole, because I don't fall for their BS.. I wish a girl did that too me, but someone I think is attractive and isn't going to try to tear me limb from limb internally to get what she wants.

I wonder if I'm the only one who notices this. I have my many female friends who have witnessed it and were outraged by the behavior who do this, but at a cost. They don't fully understand themselves or if they did it down the road what consequences it can have on themselves and others.

It's why I don't want sex now, but I'd hope one day I can live out some of the fantasies just to get this weight off my back. Just to say I did it even once and feel confident about my sexuality is so much better than where I'm at now, because it's not about a pride of being alpha. It's just I want to have crazier kinkier sex with a girl I like a lot with her having the same freedoms. Knowing, she understands me at my level and do anything to accommodate it, and I do the same. It's not that much, I want this pain I live with the unjustified rape I endured with by a man who is still free and my life ruined early on finally put to rest.

It sounds to me as if you think you know what's best for you. But do you?

Sometimes, when we're damaged in some way, we think we know what will fix it. But we're not correct, in fact we can be WAY off...For example (a very simplistic example, but it makes my point) let's say my left foot is causing me incredible pain. To me, the way to get rid of the pain, is to cut off my foot. But a doctor may examine my foot and come to the correct conclusion that it's origin is neurological. My foot doesn't need to come off, my brain needs a tumor removed.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but we don't always know what's best. The things we think might make us happy, might not be good for us at all.

You may have specific bad experiences with women, but it could be that something in your subconscious seeks out women who will give you a bad experience.

As I have said, these are just ideas that may not apply to you. They are, however, true and valid points.

I think you are most wise to have the knowledge that you need to get yourself to a more stable place before considering a relationship. But that doesn't mean that you can't drop your preconceived notions, expectations, and assumptions, and enjoy ONE evening with a woman without thinking she has an agenda.

[Pink_Pot]

Have you connected with like minded people? You can meet other masochists on websites like alt.com or fetlife. Have you pursued therapy/support for the previous traumas of being raped as a child? Seems to me that would be a good idea. If you can't afford it, you may be able to barter. I suspect a combination of 1-1 therapy and a support group might be effective.

[Yismymindblank12]

It's not meeting like minded masochists is the issue, but I'm finally awaiting my appointment in an hour at the office for my therapist. It's not healthy masochism, it's not limited to sex, but every day life and sex is included when I have it with another person, but it's all the time. All for physical sexual tension to be relieved, or for pleasure mentally too. I do it to feel better, it's masochistic, because of the sexual emphasis and use of sex what most people who have masochistic sexual relationships do consensually for fun, but I don't do it for fun. Just to get me by like a high, it's more self harm and self defeating nature emotionally is the high I need..
My sexual fantasies work with and around it despite the trauma and intense pain it can bring. It feels good, just like how I was raped.

I just want to be more sexually free and find better ways or talk to someone specific to help me with my sexual issues with self harm. I don't cut or burn just punch myself, slap myself a lot all over till I'm black and blue with bruises where I feel ok with. I have imaginations of people who don't exist doing this to me I'd like to think do this to me or people who I had crushes on or people that liked me to harm me. Many times I have fantasies of my exes, current gfs, and friends to have sex, hurt me by severely beating me, have a guy over to punch me, cheat on me in front of me and shoot me stab me or kill me.

It's unhealthy, because I like to hurt myself and tell myself how worthless I am for the high with sex. It's masochism, but a more dangerous extreme version. There are lots of people who are masochist a little or sadist vary in degrees of intensity. I'm at the more intense spectrum.