What's wrong with me?

I'm so frustrated…there seems to be no end to my sexual problems.

So, come to find out, I'm too tight and my partner can't fully penetrate me which is why I haven't really felt anything during intercourse (this is the first person I've tried it with, by the way). For the first few weeks, it really hurt, but it doesn't seem to anymore. At least not me…it seems to be hurting him trying to get it in…

I've already read about vaginismus, but I don't think it's that. I'm not feeling pain like I did and he can insert 3 fingers in me without much of an issue and 2 fingers isn't a problem at all.

I also read that we're supposed to do foreplay for a long time, but I don't know…I either find it boring (as in I don't really feel anything) or uncomfortable as barely any touch kind of just burns for lack of a better word. In the beginning I had to keep telling him to be more and more gentle as he's apparently never experienced someone so "fragile" down there and seemed really surprised that he had to be so gentle. Now, it's trying to show him how to touch me indirectly…instead of directly touching the clitoris, I always make sure the labia (the furthest outside part…I think that's the right term) is between my hand and my clitoris when I touch myself. And possibly layers of clothing. I don't know how to explain any clearer what I do. There's a reason I don't touch myself directly…it tends to burn. In fact, I still hurt a little/have a burning sensation after sex. But I wouldn't consider it "pain" like with vaginismus because it's nothing I can't handle.

I just started NuvaRing, but I had been having issues before that, just in different ways. However, apparently the ring is always in the way…ugh.

Just overall, apparently my body is highly unresponsive and rarely consistent it what can work. It's taken a couple months just to develop a little sensitivity on my breasts even. Before, he could have been touching me and I wouldn't have even known had my eyes been closed. I could hardly feel his hands at all.

Before him, all the sexual experience I've had (which was only manual or oral stimulation unless just using the tip counts-which was not consensual!!!) was while I was drunk and was with men who were abusive or didn't understand "no". Or apparently in all my innocence, I indicated that I wanted sex unknowingly or I was flirting with them or whatever.

Apparently, before I had any sexual experience my attitudes and fears were consistent with someone who may have been harmed when they were younger. I don't remember and don't want to. All I have are snippets of memory of being terrified and hiding under a bed but I don't know why or if it is even a real memory. Maybe it was a very vivid dream that I still remember to this day? The thing is, I don't want to pursue this because if something DID happen, remembering it now will just make all of these problems so much worse. Hell, I couldn't even simply touch my partner starting out and it still takes a lot of concentration to figure out what to do with my hands all the time…I'm so preoccupied with that it's difficult to concentrate on anything else in sex, like how I'm feeling. But touching someone at all is completely foreign to me. Even in an affectionate and non-sexual way. And being touched has had more negative connotations than positive.

Apparently this was was really trying for my partner in the beginning…makes sense though…it's not often one will run into someone in their mid-20's that wouldn't know how to initiate a hug or a kiss. I still can't confidently initiate.

I just wish I hadn't set expectations for sex so high…I literally will never tell him no. I just feel so guilty since he has to deal with my anxiety and other mental health issues (bad enough apparently that one of his friends who has never met me was telling him to break up with me…) that he should get some sort of positive out of it. I've asked him before if we could just scale it back a bit sexually…I mean, he's not pressuring me per se, but he has a really high sex drive. That lasted all of a day until I gave in again. I mean, it's not like I REALLY don't want to…I mean, deep down I probably have just about as high of a sex drive and I want more than anything for everything to be normal and I'd be fine we the amount of sex we're having if wasn't having issues. And we don't spend time alone together very often so all in all, we're having less sex than average I bet…it's just that it's every time we're alone. It's just too much pressure…I've even done it when I haven't felt well just so as not to disappoint him because it had been so long. We already have to skip pretty the entire week of my period because he doesn't want to…well, get involved with that.

I just want to ask him if we can just keep the clothes on (or at least underwear on) and either just be physically together in a non-sexual way or masturbate together or something. But after I've been doing what he wants whenever he wants for the entire time we've been together, how do I ask for that and enforce it? And how do I lead it back to sex without things happening too fast, too soon again? And even if we do try intercourse again, he can't actually penetrate me…so intercourse has always been either really painful or I couldn't feel much and it's over in a few seconds (which is just fine if it hurts).

I don't know, I just want to be able to enjoy sex and not have to try and think really hard about it while I'm doing it. I know it's not him, because I would hate it more with anyone else. He's finally the first person I've enjoyed kissing…even though that seems to be fizzling out as well. I certainly couldn't imagine ever going through this nightmare again with another person though…not like I want to be with someone else. I think if we weren't meant to be, I'd never be with anyone else again, or at least not another guy. It's pretty much as miserable as I always knew it would be…I always knew masturbation would be so much better than it would ever be with another person. No one else is ever going to know or understand how to touch me like I do. No amount of explanation helps. I don't even think instructional videos would help because my body isn't normal and what's good for everyone else won't work for me.

Are you taking any drugs for your mental health issues? Most of the drugs we take have a bad effect on the sex drive of anybody who takes them. You should go to the family doctor and get a complete physical to see if there is anything causing any of the problems and then talk to your pdoc or T about what's going on. Your boyfriend obviously cares about you so maybe he won't be offended if you ask him to do as you want until you find out if there is anything wrong and how you can make it better for the both of you.

No, I'm not on any psych meds and haven't been for a while (so they're all out of my system). I'm unsure of going to a doctor about this because they won't believe me (they never do) and there's no way to observe what happens. They can insert a speculum just fine and while I've be reading about vaginismus they say you're ready for intercourse when you can insert 3 fingers. I can already do that. Could it just be my hymen or something? I haven't bled yet from sex so maybe I'm technically still a virgin?

It's quite possible for vaginismus to only occur during intercourse. If you're fine with fingers but not with intercourse, it's almost certainly psychologically based (and involuntary).

I wonder if this article might give you some ideas:
When Sex Hurts: Hope for Those who Tense Up Due To Vaginismus

I've dealt with this issue myself- only during intercourse- and it gradually got better over time. It is still present occasionally, but not to the extent that it was. I didn't do anything special to change it, just let it settle down over time.

I'm not experiencing pain anymore during attempted penetration. It just will literally not go in. And I think he was able to go in further in the beginning when it DID hurt.

He's had this issue with someone before and they just had sex all the time for a week. We don't live together and we don't see each other enough to have sex everyday and I'd be afraid to have sex that often because no matter how much birth control we use, that's a huge pregnancy risk. I mean, would we have to keep up that pace? Neither one of us would be able to get any work done and then when I get pregnant (because I will at that pace no matter what) I'll have to drop out of the doctoral program I'm in and just get some minimum wage job (if I'm even qualified for that). While I have to give up all of my dreams and hobbies, he can continue to live the same life with the same goals because he's a man and men can continue to do everything they did before they have kids. Basically, he'll get his doctorate and have a wonderful life while I spend my days working at terrible jobs that have nothing to do with my advanced education.

If we could just keep to once a week or something…I guess if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't matter that much if he can't penetrate me. He always gets off anyway because he's a guy and it's so easy for him. I mean, it's always over really quickly anyway, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I just wish I could really enjoy sex like it seems other people do. Maybe everyone's just faking it...

Btw, I wanted to add that the fact that he can't penetrate you fully probably isn't the reason that you're not feeling anything during intercourse. 1) Intercourse alone often isn't that exciting for many women, and 2) most of the sensitive nerve endings of the vagina are at the entrance, so going deeper probably won't add that much in terms of stimulation.

I don't think that tons of sex for a week is particularly likely to solve the issue. It could even exacerbate it, given that you're not keen on the idea. I think you're searching for physical explanations when what's going on is probably psychological.

It may be, of course, that this really is a minor, temporary issue. It is very, very common for young women who are beginning to have sex to seem "tight." This usually just solves itself over time. And it's not because they need to get stretched out or whatever, it is just learning to relax and have more control over the muscles down there. And just plain getting used to it.

For what it's worth, I also used to think that everyone else must be faking pleasure, or buying into some mass delusion that sex is great. Some years, a different partner, some experimentation, and some therapy later, I have completely abandoned that belief.

I understand your frustration. A lot of your posts really, really resonate with me. But I just don't think there are any quick "fixes" here. There weren't for me, anyway. I know it sucks.

I found this blog by a sex toy reviewer oddly inspiring in terms of talking about how our sexual responses can change over time. It's graphic & frank, be warned.

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration » Hey Epiphora » Hey Epiphora

The problem is, I don't hardly feel anything with any sexual touch. We don't have a lot of options anyway, because even though he's willing, he's unable to do oral. This is sort of maddening in it's own way because I have to wonder if it would work. I've only experienced it one other time and it was pretty insignificant, but maybe it would be less so if he were able to learn how to do it? Also, it's taken a painstakingly long time to even begin to teach him how I'm used to being touched that we've just now started figuring it out. In fact, the only thing I've really felt much pleasure from is being fingered because he can go in deep enough to hit what I assume must be my g-spot. He can't go nearly that deep with intercourse…in fact, I would be surprised if he's getting more than the very tip in. The point is, I know I should be feeling more than what I am. Now I don't think I should be getting an orgasm or anything (because the chances of me getting an orgasm from any sort of sex act other than masturbation is zero anyway), but I should feel SOMETHING.

And even when I do feel something (from fingering), there's still this dull, burning pain. It's not so bad I can't stand it, but it sort of ruins it. I feel myself getting more and more opposed to sex of all kinds and I feel like my sex drive is getting lower and lower. I don't even want to touch myself anymore. I know I have to get over it and just do with him because guys need sex and his sex drive sure isn't waning. It also doesn't help that neither of us really know anything about sex or relationships despite being older (I'm 26 and he's 31).

Have you gone to a GP or OBGYN? I've had similar pain due to a simple yeast infection that had no other symptoms.

You don't have to answer this, but why is he unable to do oral? The reason I'm asking is, my clitoris is sensitive too, and direct touching is painful (often even indirect touching with skin and/or clothing in between by my partner is too much), but oral, if done right, is intensely pleasurable.

Some of this seems like it could be a muscle tension problem due to psychological factors. Maybe if you just concentrate on relaxing those muscles, it would help. Alternatively, discuss with your T why you're reacting this way, in terms of the tension. Also adding a water-based lubricant could help.

This sounds really frustrating, and I hope you're able to find a solution soon!

Sounds like you need more lube.

I went to a doctor a month or two ago for birth control and they did an exam…don't tell me I have to go through that again so soon. Being violated in that way isn't going to help and there's never anything wrong. I would be surprised if they even believe me when I describe the issue. Because it's so abnormal to be fine with intercourse usually but be in a lot of pain during foreplay.

No matter how much he says he's going to try, I just know he'll never be able to do oral. It's too bad I've only experienced it once before and I was drunk…I may never get to experience it now. Basically, he's on the autism spectrum and certain textures bother him…and one of those textures is the texture around my vagina and clitoris. So yeah, oral can happen…for a few seconds.

I know when I used to masturbate, I always had skin or clothes in between and it worked well. I just can't get the same feeling with him even though he's finally started to figure out what I mean by not touching it directly. I don't understand why it's so hard to figure out…I guess because I'm a freak and all the other women he's been with can be touched directly like normal people.

I mean, unless his former partners were faking it, he easily got them off on the first or second try. And now, dozens and dozens of tries later, not only am I not feeling any closer, it now hurts more than I can stand.

And of course he's the sort that he isn't an insensitive jerk and cares about my pleasure, but he might as well be asking me why I'm such a horrible selfish person who can't orgasm easily and immediately. I just wish he could just be happy with me getting him off and not touching me anymore.

And it doesn't help that almost every time we're alone we have sex. Even if I go into thinking I don't want to, I get convinced that I do. I guess deep down I do, because I suspect that I have a high but very suppressed sex drive. But I have to suppress it because there's no way to satisfy it. He can't do it and even if I can on my own, I don't feel right doing it. If I masturbate, I certainly won't get off with him because then my body won't need it. I don't think my body needs release much anymore anyway.

I could stand sex if I could enjoy it. I mean, I know I'll never have an orgasm, but I might be ok with it if there's less pain at least. If only I weren't such an honest person…I'd just fake an orgasm for his sake.

I get extremely wet though…way more wet than I ever do on my own and I don't experience that level of pain on my own. I guess I can just pour on more lube but then there's no grip at all.

Maybe he should just go have sex with someone normal who can enjoy it (or can at least fake it).

I don't have anyone to talk to about this other than him. And it just distracts him and hurts his feelings which just confirms my feelings of being a monster. Basically, I give up. I'll just do whatever he wants and just make sure as much as I can that I don't get pregnant.

Well if you are very wet already, no point in adding lube!

You're clearly not a monster or a horrible selfish person...I doubt I would have the patience and perseverance to try again and again with the problems you're describing.

I wish I knew more! I'm sure there's someone out there who will believe you and work with you. But you're right, it probably wouldn't be worth it to go to a regular GP/OBGYN. Maybe with some research you could find an appropriate specialist?

I usually just have sex since I owe him putting up with me, but apparently it's not good enough because I don't enjoy it? I asked if I could just pleasure him and be done with it, but that's not good enough…if I weren't selfish and horrible, wouldn't I be able to enjoy it like I'm supposed to?

Also, if I wasn't such an annoying, awful person in general, I wouldn't need to make up for it with sex. I mean, he's the first person who's been able to stand me. I'm afraid that he'll stop being able to stand me if I don't get better at enjoying sex.

I just don't see what's supposed to be enjoyable about having sex with another person. They can't touch you correctly and they can't do much more than you can already do to yourself. I've never understood how emotional closeness is supposed to come from it…I only bond through doing stuff together and talking.

Overall, I resent the fact that the world has lied to me about sex…about it being enjoyable, about it having anything to do with "love" (maybe I misunderstood that). Only on my side could it have something to do with love (he's only able to care at the moment and I can't even mention the L word) as why else would someone suffer through this for the benefit of another person? I rarely get any benefit from sex, yet I always give in to his needs…even after standing up for myself and saying not tonight, I still end up doing it because he ended up arousing me too much. If I just don't feel like it/can't handle it, wouldn't it be fair for him NOT to arouse me to the point I have to say yes because it hurts to be turned on that much. But it's not like there's any release though.

To be fair though, between Asperger's and lack of experience with women/successful relationships, I don't think he realizes what he's doing or that it's hurtful. I'm not sure how to break the news to him that he can't seem to really let me say no and there's always been an element of force/coercion lurking under the surface of what seems to be completely consensual.

Whoa, girl. You may have some unusual sensitivities in your genital area but that doesn't make you a freak. The more you talk about this relationship, the more it seems like this could be much more of a relationship problem than just a sex problem.

If there's an element of coercion/force there's something not working right and it's in the relationship, not in the genitals. If he's not letting you say no, I would really strongly suggest you slow down, say no, and start talking.

Are you sure you really want to be with this guy? You're sexually inexperienced and so is he, even if he's had sex before. He may not have a clue what he's doing down there except trying to jam it in. There's no reason for you to see yourself as freakish just because your boyfriend's a lousy lay. Yes, I said that. I'm saying the problem is just as much him as it is you. There's no reason for you to take the blame for his lack of gentleness and his coerciveness.

I'm sorry you've had this unpleasant introduction to sex. But the more you talked the more this sounds like a bad relationship, not just bad sex. It's probably bad in other ways, too. I hope you won't settle for bad treatment just because you don't want to be alone. Please don't let yourself be used or hurt or treated as if you owe him just because he puts up with you. You deserve more than that. We all do.

You should definitely try your best to clearly explain what you’re having to deal with. It sounds like he cares about you, and wouldn’t want you to go through unnecessary pain – he just doesn’t know that you’re going through so much for him. In my experience – my partner of 3 years is on the autism spectrum, one of my best friends has Asperger’s – they will appreciate it if you explain what is going on, and it’s worse if you let it build up. Then they’re being shut out from how you really feel, and when they find out it is hurtful. The sooner you can discuss this honestly with him, the better.

I don’t think anyone’s trying to lie to you about sex. At least I’m not. I get a lot of benefit from sex, and probably enjoy it more than my partner. When he’s doing things correctly, it feels SO much better than I could ever achieve on my own. Maybe not quicker to orgasm, but certainly more enjoyable along the way. Often it’s not what I would do on my own, but sometimes he gets angles/places I can’t reach or get at that feel good, or does things that surprise me and turn me on more. And it does lead to feelings of closeness and love, when it’s done right, and with the right person.

I’ve had my share of bad and mediocre experiences – and what you’re saying about not feeling anything resonates with me. Are you in a good place emotionally? Are you actually okay with having sex? If you aren’t okay with having sex, even if it’s awkward to say no, or you will have to deal with being turned on, you’ll save yourself future emotional pain if you say no very firmly and remove yourself from the situation if you can. When I have sex just to make the other person happy, and I do not enjoy it or dislike it/experience pain, I cause myself months to years of emotional and sexual dysfunction. I can tell you more in a PM, but not comfortable with posting it to everyone.

I don’t think you’re experiencing pain because you’re selfish and horrible – first of all, you don’t seem selfish or horrible in any way (you’re concerned about your partner’s feelings and you’re putting up with all this pain at least partially for him – that is the opposite of selfish and horrible). Second of all, would you really purposefully put yourself in pain like this? Clearly you WANT to enjoy sex.

I know it’s hard to have faith in this world of doctors who don’t believe us, but if you keep trying, you will find someone who believes you. That has been my experience – with things such as a numb arm, and the cause and treatment of acne (I know those are unrelated, but I’m just saying I have had success with tricky problems only after going through 2-6 doctors or various specialists) – it’s worth trying! I mean, there are many women who would say, don’t bother, sex isn’t that great, but for me, and for a lot of my friends, sex is really truly pleasurable, and brings you close to the other person in a new way. In a different way from doing stuff together and talking – though arguably a more basal, chemical way, not an intellectual way.

Even if you never find a solution for this, especially if you never find a solution for this, you should talk it over for your partner and let him know what hurts, what doesn’t hurt, what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re not willing to put up with and WHY. Especially with my friend who has Asperger’s, the why becomes very important. Maybe if you’re saying no and he’s really wanting to, trying to turn you on, you could really stress the reasons for not wanting to. It’s like you said – he probably doesn’t realize what he’s doing or that it’s hurtful. He just doesn’t understand.

Lastly: It is entirely possible that it's a relationship problem, not a genital problem - like I said, I've had similar physical sensations from bad sexual situations. It could be that talking about what you're comfortable with could lead to painless/enjoyable sex. You could be completely normal in every way, and there's just something weird going on interpersonally.

Whatever happens with this - you don't deserve pain, you're not horrible, and you're not selfish!

My two cents: I'm not hearing anything in here that a gynecologist could help with. I think what would help is a therapist (if / when you're ready) and/or a better, more experienced lover.

I really don't think a better, more experienced lover is the answer…I've been with more experienced and it's just as bad, maybe worse because there wasn't the emotional connection. I love him and he seems willing to learn and become better, so why would I go have sex with someone I don't love? Besides, he's the only person that I've even slightly enjoyed kissing, so there's so much potential there.

I think that's the whole problem anyway; he's unable to say "I love you." I want to assume it's because we haven't been together that long, but I've been wondering if he's incapable of admitting it. Everything he says and does screams love to me.

So, as of now, we've decided to back off the sexual side of the relationship and hopefully we can stick to that. We'll just spend time to together and hopefully it will help him figure out his feelings.

You'd made a good choice and it's impressive that you talked to him about this and both came to a decision. When sex isn't working it's always a good idea to back off the sexual side and concentrate on talking, being together, both of you trying to understand each other and yourselves better. If this is the guy you love and he's willing to learn, there's great hope the both of you can come to enjoy intimacy when you're more ready. Take care!