[mixedup_emotions]

I was sitting on my deck this afternoon, sipping a cup of coffee....and I noticed my one neighbor's 8 year old son and my other neighbor's 8 year old daughter acting suspicious at the side of the neighbor's house (right next door).

The boy sat down on the ground, while the girl kept a look-out to make sure nobody was looking.

He then undid his belt and exposed his privates. She touched him. And then she straddled him and put her tongue in his mouth.

It all happened so quickly....and I was totally triggered by it because of my own past SA....I stood up, and the kids ran to the other side of the house.

I immediately called the girls mom....she was out at the moment, freaked and told me to call the (step)dad. I called him, and he freaked. He automatically assumed it was the boy who was initiating it....he was going to call the police, take the girl to the hospital to get checked out, etc. I was getting ready to leave for group T, and the girls grandmother came over to talk to me to understand what was going on....then the grandfather....I said what I saw objectively to them, because I did not want to cloud it with any kind of interpretation or judgement.

I have no idea how they decided to handle the situation....but the girl has been telling my daughter and others that the boy touched her privates. I did not see that at all - although I'm sure it has happened...because another neighbor of mine said she saw them hiding on the side of her house once acting inappropriately.

Also, I was not the only one who witnessed this. Another neighbor claimed that she also saw her straddling him....but I got a much clearer view.

So.......I told the mom. I told the dad. I told the grandparents. They told the boys mom.....I am unsure of any other action that was taken, and I feel it's none of my business at this point.

BUT, I am struggling with whether or not I have an obligation to report this to DYFS. This seemed so much more than just kids exploring. An 8 year old straddling a boy and sticking her tongue in his mouth??? It seems like a sign of sexual abuse. And I don't know if I should do something more about it.

HELP!!!

As an aside, it triggered a lot of memories for me....bits and pieces.....that I was never sure of whether or not it really happened....but as I'm reading on signs of sexual abuse, I realize that I did similar kinds of things when I was younger....which may validate what may have happened to me that I can't remember.

THIS is why I was unable to talk in group T tonight. I was just too triggered and distraught....

[Rapunzel]

You did the right thing by telling the parents. They seemed concerned and ready to take charge of the situation. If you can, maybe be available in case either of the kids or their families needs to talk or needs more information, but let them approach you. And if you don't want to be involved, just tell them that you already told them all you knew and don't have any more to say about it.

If one or both kids has been sexually abused, one of the best things that could happen for them is to have an adult around who can just listen to them and be a friend and validate whatever feelings they might have that need validation. It is important for all kids to have someone they can trust and communicate honestly with without fear of being judged or misunderstood. I don't know if that is a role you are interested in or if that is a possibility. You don't owe anyone anything more.

You didn't witness something that you are required to report officially. Because the kids are the same age, one probably would not be considered a victim. They were experimenting. And it's sad, but they are getting younger and younger and knowing things they are not enough to know. What they see on TV and the movies probably has a lot to do with it. If I were you, though, I would talk to my T about it. Especially since it seems to be bringing up something for you.

[deliquesce]

rap's advice is absolutely spot on, i'm not sure i have anything else to add.

it seems like they responding appropriately - getting the other child's parents involved also, so i think you don't have any obligation to take it to DYFS. if it is something that continues to happen into the future, then certainly, but i would probably leave the parents to sort this out right now.

[mixedup_emotions]

Whew. Thanks for your feedback. I really was hoping that I had done enough and didn't have an obligation to do more.

I will be bringing this up in T tomorrow, although with the way I've been feeling, I am not sure I can handle the conversation....

[deliquesce]

you did really well, ME . i probably would have panicked and completely frozen. been too scared to tell the parents. maybe told my T and hoped that he told community services for me.

you handled the situation with maturity and empathy. it would have been a difficult situation for anyone (and very tempting to ignore), but all the more because you have to deal with your own triggers - i applaud you.

thank you for looking out for those kids.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

you did really well, ME . i probably would have panicked and completely frozen. been too scared to tell the parents. maybe told my T and hoped that he told community services for me.

you handled the situation with maturity and empathy. it would have been a difficult situation for anyone (and very tempting to ignore), but all the more because you have to deal with your own triggers - i applaud you.

thank you for looking out for those kids.

Thanks....although I am carrying a tremendous amount of guilt at the moment....because I saw what was happening and feel like I didn't react quickly enough.

I was in shock and then triggered....and it all happened so quickly....but I feel as though I could've/should've stopped them the minute I saw the boy undoing his pants because I KNEW something was up. But I felt as though I should see it through so that there was actually something real to be concerned about.

Another thing that is bothering me about all this is that the girl is insisting that he was touching her...and she is going around telling other kids that he touches her privates....Yet, what I clearly saw was her initiating it and performing all the actions and him looking uncomfortable with it. I shouldn't pass judgement, because I don't know the history.

I took another day off from work today, because I am just a mess over how I feel right now - about situations with my husband, and about past SA....and about this and the memories it triggered for me.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am in a full blown panic right now.

The boys mom just texted me, asking to hear "my version" of what happened. We are going to talk in a couple of hours.

My heart is in my throat. My stomach is in knots. I can hardly breathe. What the hell is going on with me????

I seemed to handle it better yesterday, but now that I am so triggered - I don't know how to handle this. I feel like it's not what happened that is causing all of this anxiety.

I need to keep a level head when I talk to her, stay objective and speak clearly about exactly what I saw, without any kind of judgement. But how can I do that when I am feeling like this???

I wish I could call my T and talk to him. I saw him last night at group when I was totally out of sorts, and he didn't seem to take an interest at all in how I was feeling. So, I feel like I can't even reach out to him right now. I have my individual T session with him tomorrow, but I am triggered NOW and in a panic NOW.

[Sannah]

So you are triggered right now? Why can't you call your T? The reason that you just wrote doesn't hold water...........

[mixedup_emotions]

Yes, I am triggered now....I can't stop crying....I can't catch my breath...and I don't know why!!!! And even worse, I'm afraid to find out....

I don't want to call my T because I guess I feel like he doesn't care. I am just a client who is allotted his attention for 45 minutes each week because he gets paid. Other than that, I feel like I am nobody.

I also feel like calling him would make me feel weak and that I should be stronger than this.

I am resorting to ativan.....

[Sannah]

It sounds like your T was busy with the group and this is why he couldn't do individual focus with you? What will it hurt by calling him? Reaching out does not make you weak! This issue must be sending you right back to the past and this is what you are feeling?

[madisgram]

i agree with sannah. i'd call my t. many of the most fruitful times in therapy for me was when all the triggered feelings were on the surface and i talked with my t. i learned from those moments immensely and how to better cope with the feelings. sometimes i am triggered now from another situation but now i have tools to minimize the impact.

[Rapunzel]

Your T might have noticed you last night and figured that it was your responsibility to approach him if you needed to talk. It doesn't make you weak to call him. To overcome fear, do the thing you fear. That means call him and ask for help when you need it. That would be the strong thing to do.

[(JD)]

Of course you did the right thing, and good job of it too! When you, yourself was triggered ..yet you still did the right thing! I find that happens often ...being triggered doesn't make you a bad person who can't function.

I think you are becoming too personal in this. Don't fear telling what you saw, just don't read into it or elaborate on it.

I agree with Rapunzel, you saw nothing that constituted reporting to the authorities imo

It is more than what a generation ago would consider normal childhood exploration... but with today's movies and such, you just can't tell from where the information comes. Let the parents figure that out.

IF you have a casual opportunity to talk with the little girl, you MIGHT see if she shares easily how she learned to do "that." But you have no obligation to do so. Yes, it could be she is abused (and thus the parents won't get her help etc...) but it might just be her parents have xxx movies that she sneaks a peek at.

(((hug))) take care of yourself now...

[mixedup_emotions]

As far as calling T goes, then I guess I am weak....because I can't bring myself to do it.

Thanks for the reassurance about the situation and how I handled it. I know a lot of my reaction is because of more personal reasons.

But, as an aside, her stepdad is the guy that participated in a sexual act towards me at my husband's invitation, when I felt trapped and couldn't get out of it. That makes me even more triggered by all this.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

But, as an aside, her stepdad is the guy that participated in a sexual act towards me at my husband's invitation, when I felt trapped and couldn't get out of it. That makes me even more triggered by all this.

Hmmmmmm, now I can understand why you are really feeling triggered. Is that Ativan working yet?

You are not weak because you can't call your T. We just haven't uncovered what is really holding you back?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hmmmmmm, now I can understand why you are really feeling triggered. Is that Ativan working yet?

You are not weak because you can't call your T. We just haven't uncovered what is really holding you back?

Yes, the Ativan is helping.....thankfully. *sigh*

I don't know what is holding me back. I feel like I'd be a bother to him because it's not on his "paid" time to tend to me....and I'm afraid to show him what I am going through. I feel ashamed to be feeling this way - because the past is over. I shouldn't allow it to hurt me now. I want to be powerful and impactful...not a crybaby who can't handle it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I feel like I'd be a bother to him because it's not on his "paid" time to tend to me....

Does he allow emailing and calls?

and I'm afraid to show him what I am going through.

Do you know why?

I feel ashamed to be feeling this way - because the past is over. I shouldn't allow it to hurt me now.

Superwoman, huh? Do you have an feelings about this that are opposite of this?

I want to be powerful and impactful...not a crybaby who can't handle it.

Superwoman again......... I have a vulnerable side and I can kick butt too.........

Good Work finding all of these things!

[mixedup_emotions]

Sannah, you have a way of working the info out of someone....

Now what do I do with this information?

[Sannah]

Ahhhh, the best part. I just read your post in the Psychotherapy forum and it looks like you figured out what to do with it (work through it)! Good Work!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Ahhhh, the best part. I just read your post in the Psychotherapy forum and it looks like you figured out what to do with it (work through it)! Good Work!

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sannah]

Working through it is scary?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Working through it is scary?

I just feel panic stricken.

I am afraid of remembering more.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am afraid of remembering more.

You are strong and capable............

[Pomegranate]

I had a similiar experience happen to me. Good for you that with your SA background (like me) you were able to act immediately. I went into denial. I didn't want to have seen what I saw. It took me several hours to call the therapist I was seeing then. Because it was the weekend I had to wait a couple days before I saw her. It was a looooooooong weekend.

She called the police for me, she told them what happened for me. Thank god. I could tell by her side of the conversation that they were not quite believing me. If I had tried to deal with it on my own I would have ended up losing it and looked even less credible in the police's eyes. (I was suspect right off because I was seeing a therapist!!!! )

Over the next couple years they found a whole ring of pedophiles operating in that area.

I would call the police or DCFS if I were you. Or if you're like me, have someone do it for you. But it sounds like the girl has certainly been abused and is acting out, or at the very least her mother and step father are not being careful about what this child gets to see. But yes, I would definitely find some way to let police or family services know what you saw, and see if others who saw the same are willing to talk to police/FS also.

I'm so sorry you had to see that. I know how badly it affected me.

[FooZe]

Pardon me for jumping into the topic this late, but I just noticed this from a couple of days ago:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am carrying a tremendous amount of guilt at the moment....because I saw what was happening and feel like I didn't react quickly enough.

You may already have figured this out yourself by now: you could just as easily have reacted too quickly, when you still only thought something might be about to happen -- and now be feeling just as guilty that you didn't wait to make sure.

The way that I'm picturing it anyway, those kids had been doing stuff like that for a while now. A few seconds' delay in interrupting them this time wasn't going to do them much harm, while finding yourself unsure if you'd really seen anything or not would have put you very much on the spot. Without the details that you waited to observe, all you would have had to go on would've been your impression of what could have been happening and the controversy around the neighborhood would quite likely have been about whether you'd only imagined it.

It sounds to me as though you are (or were, anyway, when you posted that) beating yourself up for doing the right thing. Well (I figure) if you must beat yourself up for something -- then better it should be for having done the right thing!