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  #1  
Old May 17, 2010, 01:36 PM
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Here it comes,

Those overwhelming amounts of guilt, shame.

They crash down on me at the oddest times, like waves from the sea. I get triggered here latley by odd small things, things that remind me of childhood,

Here in the past year and a half I have a very hard time recollecting things from my childhood, and it's frustrating to me, the constant in and out workings of what has to be my PTSD and it fogging up random parts of my life. Not all of my childhood was a horror story, I know had my grandmothers, and those memories are dear to me, those are foggy too.

But when I get triggered into remembering my childhood in general, I get hit with overwhemling amounts of shame and guilt, sometimes I get incredibly uncomfterable in my own skin, I feel akward, guitly, dirty, shameful, like I"m just a pile of slime.

I get these feelings of "I'm a bad daughter, sister, friend, lover" "I'm less of a woman because I was abused" or "I let my parents down because I was abused"

I know none of those are rational thoughts, there is no truth to any of those statements, but they are still ingrained in me, and sometimes I feel they are true, I know it's just one more storm to weather in my recovery, and I'm sitting through the emotions, allowing them to come, not fighting them.

I think a lot of this is being triggered by my start of birth control, for some reason taking that little pill has sent me into a small tizzy, dragging up insecruites, fears, panics, and lots of undealt with emotions.

It's always the littlest things isn't it?

I also feel akward discussing the shame and guilt I have over my sexuality. It's like part of me is torn between, I have the right to enjoy this , and the other part of me is arguing that it was used to harm me as a child, so why should I enjoy it.

Today I"m in a good place for dealing with it all, I"m acecepting, obeserving, and letting things flow.

Tomorrow may be another story.
Thanks for this!
geez, Gr3tta, SophiaG

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  #2  
Old May 17, 2010, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Typo View Post
I also feel akward discussing the shame and guilt I have over my sexuality. It's like part of me is torn between, I have the right to enjoy this , and the other part of me is arguing that it was used to harm me as a child, so why should I enjoy it.
Just pressing through the awkwardness, looking at those feelings anyway and sharing about them is exactly what it takes to dissipate them. I submit that you must already have done a good deal of that, perhaps without noticing ("You mean I've been speaking prose all my life?!" ) or you wouldn't be close enough to your current feelings of shame, guilt and awkwardness to be talking about them now.
Quote:
Today I"m in a good place for dealing with it all, I"m acecepting, obeserving, and letting things flow.
I noticed!!!
Quote:
Tomorrow may be another story.
So when tomorrow comes, accept it, observe it, and let it flow. And (I'll tell you a secret) if you should ever find you're not willing to do that -- simply accept that you're not willing, observe it and let it flow with the rest of it.

But you already knew that, didn't you?
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  #3  
Old May 17, 2010, 02:42 PM
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((((Typo)))) Your post really helped me You are soooo awesome!!!!

"sometimes I get incredibly uncomfterable in my own skin, I feel akward, guitly, dirty, shameful, like I"m just a pile of slime.

I get these feelings of "I'm a bad daughter, sister, friend, lover" "I'm less of a woman because I was abused" or "I let my parents down because I was abused"

I know none of those are rational thoughts, there is no truth to any of those statements, but they are still ingrained in me, and sometimes I feel they are true, I know it's just one more storm to weather in my recovery, and I'm sitting through the emotions, allowing them to come, not fighting them. "


I like how you can reason that these thoughts are not true, but the feelings are definitely intense and make the thoughts almost feel true. I can relate to this.

"It's always the littlest things isn't it?"

You are sooooo right about this. It seems that the little things make me start into a spin downward. But by acknowledging the difference between your feelings and thoughts is very grounding for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

"I also feel akward discussing the shame and guilt I have over my sexuality. It's like part of me is torn between, I have the right to enjoy this , and the other part of me is arguing that it was used to harm me as a child, so why should I enjoy it."

I've been trying to explain this part of myself to my T and haven't really found the words. Thank you sooooo much for sharing this post. This stuff is really hard to talk about and hard to put words to. It's like an intense battle inside my head and my heart.
Thanks for sharing!!!!
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  #4  
Old May 17, 2010, 03:35 PM
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((((((((((((Fooze)))))))))))))))

Heh your very right, you always know just how to put things, I love your input

((((((((((Claygenius))))))))))

I am so glad my post helped you! Your posts help me a lot too! and your awesome too

**** I added the trigger icon for this next part, just to be safe******

Now that I reflect on it, starting the birth control is the founding trigger for a lot of these tangled up feelings, it's me taking a concious step to becoming sexually active, (I don't know why but for some reason this is very hard to post about here, feel all akward and weird) which is something I want but have certian lingering fears I didn't realize I had over it. I fear being used, abandonded, etc etc (more akwardness and panic over discussing this) I think I have this inner conflict, I want to enjoy it, am excited to take this step with the man I love, but another part of me says "you shouldn't enjoy this, because you were sexually abused, you where harmed by this as a child, used, put to shame, how do you know this won't happen now?" I can't even find the words to quite describe it, just this lingering fear and anxiety, not to say I don't want to become sexually active, this is my choice, nobody has put it upon me, no pressure, it is something I have choosen and I know I am (finally) ready for. But that little pill seems to just be a slight manisfestation of insecurties and fears.

Hrm this is getting all tangled in my mind, and I feel very well <--- that sums it up pretty well, no idea why, T says I have a very healthy outlook on sex for an abuse survior, I thank my parents for that, they screwed up on a lot of things, but teaching me that sex is not shameful, dirty or wrong when between two consenting adults is somethign they did very very right. I usually have no hang ups discussing sexuality or sex, but all of a sudden I do, no clue why, *inches away from keyboard*

I'm leaving this here for now, I'm getting all tangled up in my thoughts, maybe coffee will help, what I want to say isn't coming out, or maybe i'm just to self concious to type it out, a considerable combination of both I suppose...
Thanks for this!
FooZe, Gr3tta, shezbut
  #5  
Old May 17, 2010, 03:48 PM
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((((((((((Typo))))))))))
Quote:
Originally Posted by Typo View Post
I'm leaving this here for now, I'm getting all tangled up in my thoughts, maybe coffee will help, what I want to say isn't coming out, or maybe i'm just to self concious to type it out, a considerable combination of both I suppose...
You're doing JUST GREAT with this, hun! Personally, I'm delighted that you're up to going where you're going and sharing with us this way.

(FWIW, I suspect that at least a few other PC members are, or have been, sexually active. Everyone who's ever been sexually active has once been sexually active for the first time and I'm sure at least a few of us have experienced some awkwardness along the way. )
Thanks for this!
Typo
  #6  
Old May 17, 2010, 03:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fool Zero View Post
((((((((((Typo))))))))))

(FWIW, I suspect that at least a few other PC members are, or have been, sexually active. Everyone who's ever been sexually active has once been sexually active for the first time and I'm sure at least a few of us have experienced some awkwardness along the way. )

hee hee this made me laugh , (((((((((Fooze)))))))
Thanks for this!
FooZe
  #7  
Old May 17, 2010, 05:33 PM
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I understand where you are coming from, Typo.

My experience is kind of like a rocky road, with smooth spots in between. I am in a happy relationship with my boyfriend, and am more sexually comfortable than I ever have been (and I'm almost 40). However, I do still have rough patches. A remark taken the wrong way, or a trigger reminding me of the past, whatever. I get chills up and down my spine. I close up emotionally, as I try to work through what happened and my reaction. It isn't instant for me. Working through the emotions and thoughts takes some time and my T's input. But, I do get through

Do keep those words in your mind as you continue moving forward. Best wishes and hugs to you Typo!
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  #8  
Old May 17, 2010, 06:21 PM
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((((Fooze)))) When you look at it like that, none of us are weird for feeling weird about sex. I really appreciate you talking about this Typo. You are doing great!!!!! My mind sort of goes blank when I try to go there.
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  #9  
Old May 17, 2010, 10:04 PM
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sometimes I have to consciously remind myself when feel lonely at night wishing for a significant other that (technically speaking) I'm an adult and that it's ok to want adult relationships. When I first told myself this it was almost mind blowing because for a long time I've been feeling like a kid... not even a teenager but a kid.

and yeah it really is the little things I think. I went to Walmart... maybe two days ago? And felt bombarded with past memories, because it hasn't changed at all in 10 years. Not bad ones, they were like little mundane ones but it was unlike anything else I've experienced. It could have been 2010, or I time traveled to 2001, I think either way in my head it's make sense. Since then I've had mood swings and feeling depressed.
Thanks for this!
SophiaG, Typo
  #10  
Old May 17, 2010, 10:46 PM
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Typo,

Whew! Can I relate- it's just so hard to put it into words, step back and observe it. Thanks for doing this. I'm there myself right now and it seems all I can do to challenge myself on the thoughts- let alone remind myself that the feelings are real, but not about what is happening now.

You sure helped me feel less alone this evening!
Thanks for this!
SophiaG, Typo
  #11  
Old May 18, 2010, 10:06 AM
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Typo this will need to be worked through step by tiny step, to bring out those past triggers and defuse them and replace negative memories with positive ones from today. You, of course, will do a very good job with this.
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  #12  
Old May 18, 2010, 10:11 AM
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((((((((((Fooze)))))))))) (((((((((((Claygenius))))))) (((((((Shezbut))))))) ((((((((REEG)))))))) (((((((Sannah)))))))) ((((((Kaika)))))))))

I woke up feeling so anxious about this thread, and was considering asking a mod to delete it, but seeing all these repsonses soothes my anxiety over it! I'm so glad that my posting helps y'all and y'all responding helps me feel not so alone too!
Thanks for this!
FooZe, Sannah, shezbut, SophiaG
  #13  
Old May 19, 2010, 10:53 AM
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I found myself waking up and thinking on this subject manner this morning, to the point I had to go and take a jog because I was driving myself insane, it's a bit off course from where I orginally started the thread, but related, I'm adding a trigger icon just for saftey reasons, please use self care.

*********

I have issues with trust, I think I have posted on the manner several times, but I notice it all the time, I have issues with trust, espically with men. I have this overwhelmeing fear of being used by men, being seen as a toy, a plaything, an object, of being manipulated, it's easy to say I haven't had the best run in's with men, and have put myself in postions before to be used and manipulated, as a form of deliberate self harm, as to reinforce the message my abuser was trying to get across to me through the abuse "Your just a plaything, your meant to be used, dirty, no man is ever going to love you now" I went through my entire life believing this (until the past year) I never expected to fall in love, or to have a man fall in love with me, I shut myself off in that department, it just wasn't something a "dirty" person like me could obtain.

I've been manipulated a lot in my life, in my own family, I've let myself be a punching bag emotionally for many people, but it always seems to hurt worse when it was brought on by a male, my dad had me lie to my mom for year's over our financial situation, had me hide mail, and loan him money I made working odd jobs, and when I got a full time job from there too. I'm out countless amounts of money and have been ran into credit card debt from this situation. In high school I seemed to only make male friends that sent me confusing messages, they would tease me rentlessly and prey on my poor self esteem. Looking back I could have never really called them friends, or would have allowed to happen in the healther state I am in now.
I've seen so few sucessful relationships, my parents relationship is a mess, and has good moments, but the bad and voliatle seem to overshadow any temporary happiness is in place, close friend's parent's relationships aren't any better or are far worse, with the exception of my best friend's mother's second marriage.

I fear falling prey to that, I fear being controlled by a man, to fall into the vicious pattren I see people around here fall into, that I've seen my whole life, dysfuntion, instablity, a vicious vicious cycle nobody seems to be able to escape.

I don't want to be that, I want to break the cycle, I want to be the one to change things, to escape, I won't I just wont' fall into that, what has been my family, the enviroment I have grown up in, seen my whole life

I"m still in disbelief that A) I've been in a realtionship for over a year and B) **** I"m in love, and someone loves me. I still carry this small amount of disbelief that a man could love me, know of my abuse, my truamas, the crazy rough childhood and life I've had and still love me, support me,

I'll never forget hearing numerous times "girls that have been sexually abused never can have a functional relationship, they are doomed to fall into abusive ones"

I don't remember where I've heard it, but I've heard it countless times through the grapevine, through the gossip mill, old Southren women gabbing and giving their explinations, and yes it's a commonly toted misconception here in the South, and I"m sure many other places.

I've heard my own parents say a handful of times "kids that have been abused end up all screwed up or abusers themselves"

I know I"m not the things my abuser said I was, what anyone ever said I was, I deserve love, respect, to have a good life, not matter what anyone says I know I have made so much progress in the past few years, I'm healther, happier, more stable, I've grown.

But......

After you hear something so many times, it becomes a considered half truth, that lurking fear in the back of your mind, that little voice that whispers when you lay down at night "what if they are right?"

I've heard it so many times, that I'm scared, scared, what if I am in a bad relationship? I sit for hours replaying moments over the past year we have been involved and trying to find errors, trying to find if I am, then I think "but I"m blind with love, how would I ever see it?" I've bolted several times in our relationship in our year together out of fear he was trying to control me, manipulate me, or out of plain insecurities.

I get confused, I am confused, I find myself drowing in pariona and confusion, and frustration with myself.

Then comes the anger, I have so much undealt with anger, towards abuser, towards the truamas in my life, push it down, push it down, swallow it whole, don't let it consume you, I"m the little soldier who keeps on marching, keeps going striaght, never look back just keep going foreword,

I forget where I was even goign with this, besides the fact I have severe trust issues.

Progress, slid back, and progress again

Maybe I'm already stuck in that vicious cycle and I don't ever realize it....

This is very much a fear, a misconception that I have been raised around, and issue I need to process, guess that's why I'm writing it here huh?
Thanks for this!
SophiaG
  #14  
Old May 19, 2010, 11:04 AM
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Typo, this is something that you can definitely work through. Your awareness and insight is very good, you have to know where you are at before you can move forward. Have you talked about this anger towards your abuser in therapy?

I don't believe that saying about girls who have been SA, not one bit! You fell into this before you were aware, but now you are aware and you are working to heal and have a better life and this is exactly what you will accomplish.

I grew up in a rural northern Michigan area where many people had problems. I got beyond that and so will you if you are determined to.

Some things that I did to move forward was to figure out where I was on an issue, figure out what was normal, and worked towards solving the problem for myself.
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Thanks for this!
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  #15  
Old May 19, 2010, 11:25 AM
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Typo, this is something that you can definitely work through. Your awareness and insight is very good, you have to know where you are at before you can move forward. Have you talked about this anger towards your abuser in therapy?

Yes, I have actually done a lot of work on my anger, I have a few anger issues, and I can have an explosive temper at times, but I"m learning how to constructivly work through it and how to better handle my anger, verusus the models I saw for it growing up (throwing things, screaming, punching objects) I"m less angry than I was then, but I do still have some, and I think I always will.

I don't believe that saying about girls who have been SA, not one bit! You fell into this before you were aware, but now you are aware and you are working to heal and have a better life and this is exactly what you will accomplish.

I hope so, sometimes I get scared and confused, I find it so very hard not to be pariond or catious of my partner, I have fleeting and constant fears of him abandoning me, just disapearing on me, I fall into this disillusion too that by discussing my relationship, it's going to "jinx" it and because I discuss my issues related to it it's going to fail or my fears are going to come true, (yes I have severe issues I know this )

I grew up in a rural northern Michigan area where many people had problems. I got beyond that and so will you if you are determined to.

It's very odd isn't it growing up in a rural area? I love my Southren hertiage don't get me wrong, I am proud of it for the most part, although I hate the sterotypes that fall with it and misconception people will have of me at times, and the conflicting messages one grows up with and certain mindsets that get ingrained into you from a young age. It's so easy to get trapped in a rural area, to get sucked into it.

Some things that I did to move forward was to figure out where I was on an issue, figure out what was normal, and worked towards solving the problem for myself.

I like that , and I try very hard to do that, however sometimes I find myself trying to figure out what "normal" is...
Thanks for this!
SophiaG
  #16  
Old May 19, 2010, 12:50 PM
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... however sometimes I find myself trying to figure out what "normal" is...
Whatever for? I picture you leaving a whole trail behind you of people sighing, "I don't want to be normal, I want to be like Typo!"
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  #17  
Old May 19, 2010, 01:11 PM
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I"m less angry than I was then, but I do still have some, and I think I always will.
Good work!! Everything that I have worked on I have worked on in stages or layers. Keep working on that anger! I think that you can work it all out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Typo View Post
I find it so very hard not to be pariond or catious of my partner, I have fleeting and constant fears of him abandoning me, just disapearing on me, I fall into this disillusion too that by discussing my relationship, it's going to "jinx" it and because I discuss my issues related to it it's going to fail or my fears are going to come true, (yes I have severe issues I know this )
This is fine. This is what you have to work with. It is all totally understandable considering what you have experienced.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Typo View Post
sometimes I find myself trying to figure out what "normal" is...
Maybe a better word is functional. There are functional boundaries that need to be learned. There is a healthy self worth that needs to be learned. Learning the balance between your needs and other's needs. Learning to live in the moment, learning how to express feelings. These kinds of "normals"!
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
Thanks for this!
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  #18  
Old May 19, 2010, 04:04 PM
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I know I just have to work through these emotions and fears, it's very very hard for me to trust, have faith in others, not so much in a friendship stance, but in a romantic stance, to me that is the scarest level of emotional intamacy I have experinced, T says it is triggering a lot of old feelings for me, and she is very right,

I know I"ve grown a lot, just from being in this relationship, I've learned it's okay to trust and love, to let those walls down and let someone close to you. And hey a man can treat me with love and respect, I'm not dirty, and I"m not incapable of being loved, I have my issues, my baggage, but that doesn't make me unloveable.

I"m growing a bit more secure, I'm learning to counter my fears and insecurties from examples and actions, that speak louder than any harebrain pariona or fear my frightend self creates.

easier said than done sometimes, but hey just got to take it all as it comes, and flow through it...

If things don't work out, it's not the end of the world, I'll be okay, I'll dust myself off, move foreword, and keep on flapping those wings, taking those steps.

I just have to, work through the fear, anxiety, keep moving foreword, take things one small step at a time, I can't spend every moment in worrying anxiety over if this relationship succedes or not, the best I can do for me, and him, is to keep working on me, and what is best for me and my growth.

heh easier said than done somedays, and of course a part of me holds a certain level of reservation in all of this, and will for some time, I just have to break through it one moment at the time

He isnt' perfect, I"m not perfect, but I know he cares very much, and wants to see me grow and succed in life, we aren't in the ideal situation, this distance is very very straining and hard at times, the not knowing, the just having to have faith in the line of communication. phew talk about hard, espically for me!

One foot in front of the other, one wing in front of the other

and...............

take off maybe Is this what flying is like? I think I may be getting closer to flapping those wings.

Just keep swimming, swimming, just keep swimming...

(disclaimer: I will have a minor panic attack after posting this, then be okay, just got to work through it all right? pff never ends does it?)
Thanks for this!
FooZe, SophiaG
  #19  
Old May 19, 2010, 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Typo View Post
"I'm less of a woman because I was abused"

I also feel akward discussing the shame and guilt I have over my sexuality. It's like part of me is torn between, I have the right to enjoy this , and the other part of me is arguing that it was used to harm me as a child, so why should I enjoy it.
Typo thank you so much for posting this. I have had these feelings but I could never find the words to express them.
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  #20  
Old May 20, 2010, 12:26 PM
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Typo I think you may be one of those rare people who has a streak of resiliency within them.
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  #21  
Old May 21, 2010, 05:45 PM
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
Thanks for this!
Typo
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