[greenfairy]

i've been trying really hard lately. . . to put my life together, to be stronger, to be the person that someone would find worth loving. its just all falling apart around me, and i cant pick up the pieces. i cant be the person that the one i'm with wants me to be. i cant leave the past behind. i cant betouched without remembering the pain, held without feeling them hold me down, made love to without feeling every moment that i was violated, seeing it over and over in my head until i'm blind to everything else around me. i just dont know how to fix me and i think maybe i cant be fixed. the only person in the world i want to be with cant love me this way, and as hard as i try to leave the past behind, it wont let me. the anxiety is always there, watching over my shoulder, creeping up on me when i'm alone or in the dark or in a room full of men. i sleep and the men who hurt me are in my nightmares and so i dont sleep and then i'm awake and alone and all i can do is remember. i dont want to be broken anymore, but what if all this effort is for nothing? what if there is no end to this for me? what then? i just want to cry and scream and rip my hair out because i cant be the person that the people in my life want me to be and its like i'm being punished for this, and it hurts so much, to watch everyone you ever care about walk away from you because they just cant take you that way. i just want to have a normal life. thats all. i dont know if i'm even making any sense right now. i just keep panicking and the more i try to pull myslef together, the more i fall apart.

[Rhapsody]

Dear GreenFairy,

You have just spoken the words that I so long to shout from the mountain top.... that which a lot of us on here feel.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[greenfairy]

thank you rhapsody. feels good to be understood. cant keep fighting everything anymore, its too tiring. this is me. maybe its lack of sleep, but i think if i was meant for more, if there was supposed to be more to this life, none of this wouldve happened to me. does that make any sense? just cant keep trying to be someone else pretending i'm fine and making everyone happy. think my life was easier when i just focused on getting through the day instead of trying to be the person that someone could love. think what i have is enough for me. i've been looking for this great miracle and its not out there. is this too defeatist? i dont mean it to be. guess what i'm saying is maybe learning to live with who i am and what i have might bring some semblance of happiness, instead of looking for the whys and wondering about the what ifs.

[greenfairy]

dont know if i'm ranting or venting and sorry if this complaint, or post, seems never ending, but the last 15 hours of my life have just been. . . horrible. and i'm trying to keep it all together and i get this phone call about how i need to pull myself together and get out of the situation i'm in, that i need to deal with my intimacy issues or i'll never be happy, and maybe first i should try to fix all the other aspects of my life that are wrong and then i'll be more able to confront this one issue and that one issue and blah blah blah. and i politley said thank you very much dr. phil. anything else? dont you just love when everythings falling apart around you and the best someone can do is tell you to get the *&^% over it? ok at this point i probably am ranting but how about just being there. do people even do that anymore? accept all your faults and pain and take you in their arms and hold you and say hey i love you and i want you to be okay and i'll work with you through this and we'll fix it together and if we cant i'll love you anyway? is that too much to ask for? apparently so. apparently i have to transform like a gosh darn catterpiller into this great and beautiful butterfly before i'm worthy. i feel like my caterpiller self has just been squished. i know that i can handle this person i am now, with all the faults and the pain, i can continue to just get through the day. sincerely sorry for the rant/vent/endless complaint. its been an endless day.

[mtd]

I'm really glad to see you venting and being so honest with your feelings. I, for one, used to stuff it all down and act like everything was o.k., like I had to make everyone else think I was o.k. and not be burden on anyone, and be all fine for everyone. None of that did me any good. You don't have to apologize for it. Your feelings, your confusion, feeling overwhelmed -- all that stuff -- is how you feel and you are entitled to feel that way. So rant all you want here. I'll listen. None of this pain goes away overnight and none of it can just be ignored. You can't just "get over it." It's too much. But please try to have hope. You deserve that and you are worth it. I have one suggestion, something that works well for me. I have two journals. One I write all my stuff in that I would usually write in a journal, including all the pain, grief, and confusion. The other I only write good stuff in, even little things that happen that make me smile for just a moment. It's how I stay focused at least a bit on today and on what is working for me. It helps me prove to myself that I can find some things good to focus on while I work through the pain of my past that still haunts my present. Hope these thoughts help. Keep hopeful. It will get better the more you work on it and you are worth it! Take care of you.

Be well,

mtd

[Judith22]

((((((((((((((GreenFairy))))))))))))))))))))))

I really feel for you, I really do. You seem like a nice person with a good heart and soul. Keep posting and try to get yourself around ppl that make you feel good. I hope you feel better soon.

((((hugs)))))

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Greenfairy, it sounds like I wrote your post. I recently entered therapy and found a wonderful psychologist who is helping me put it all in perspective. I think you'll find you are not alone eventhough it seems like it. Seems like no one could possibly understand what you are feeling - but I do and many others. When my therapist used to say that, I'd roll my eyes because I didn't believe him. But it's true. And you're right, a person can't just "get over it". It takes committment and work with a trained professional. But it can happen. Hang in there and know that we are here for you. Be safe

[greenfairy]

(((((((((((Rhapsody, mtd, Judith22, iamanne))))))))))))
feeling a little emotional so forgive me if i ramble, which i often do. like everyone else i have good days and bad days and its nice to come here and know i'm not alone. i guess its been a hard lesson learned for me. . . that in life there are people who understand, and those who dont, and some of those who dont understand will at least try. accepting that some of the people closest to me cant understand, or wont, or dont want to, has hurt me very deeply. a very close friend told me they didnt want to be in my life anymore because i was down and sad and felt like giving up. it hurt like a slap in the face, and i felt sad and alone. the last day or so i kept coming here though, and reading what people wrote to me and to each other, and i realized that its okay. . . i can come here to unburden my soul, to say i'm having a bad day and hate my life, to tell people i wish i'd had a different past or different parents, and its ok. no one here judges, or scolds, theres only support and understanding, and it feels like a big warm hug. sorry if i've gone all sappy, just wanted to say thank you, cause it got me through a tough time. when my friends were telling me to get my *&^% together or they didnt want to be around me, and the person i care most for said i needed to do it all on my own, and my parents were shouting enough already, i came here. so thanks for listening. at least here i can be myself, and be a mess and be honest, and no one hates me or hurts me for it. the support kept me up when i needed to lean, and i hope i can find a way to do the same for all of you. . .

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((greenfairy)))))))))))

I so understand what you're going through at times. I hope that someday love and touch will be a good thing...all good.

Be safe,

KD

[greenfairy]

thank you kd. thats all i wanted. was just to love and be loved back. to give myself to someone in spite of the pain, but i've been foolish. i think i keep looking for the answers in all the wrong places. and i keep getting hurt. i feel like the child who keeps touching a hot stove despite the burn it brings. i've been pushing so hard for change, maybe inspired by the people around me, or in an effort to please, and have disregarded my own security, my well-being. here i am falling into this horrible depression over the fact that i cant please others. why do i keep fighting? it seems i'm only hurting myself. this past weekend i stayed home with my family. we were snowed in actually. i didnt think about moving to another place, or going back to school, or anything at all really. i felt sad,as i have alot lately, but i just spent my time with my kids and my husband, and there was just this peace. i know everyone wants more from me, for me to go back to school and have this great career and people think i should leave my husband because were so poor and hes never around anyway. sorry this is so long i just need to talk and as always theres no one here to talk to. i've been hurt so deeply, i feel like my hearts been torn from my chest, and all because i wanted to change. even in trying to change i was told it wasnt enough. i wasnt fast enough, not good enough, not enough for the people in my life to stick by me. and it hurts right now. but i think i'm learning from it. what i have is safe. i think if it were ripped from under me right now i'd fall apart so what is it that i'm looking for? theres this thread here, about how you define success. and another, someone asking when do you give up. and i think i know the answers for me anyway. success for me is finding something i can live with that doesnt hurt. i think my past has ripped me apart so much and theres only so much pain a person can take. . .maybe success is when youre satisfied with what you have. maybe thats the answer. to live with all the pain and hurt and memories, and maybe you find healing and maybe you dont, and maybe youre loved and maybe youre not. maybe success is when you dont have to search anymore. . . when you realize what you were looking for all along is right there in front of you. and maybe its time to give up when all you find is pain, when all thats out there waiting for you, all the reward for your efforts, is just more hurt. sorry if i always seem to go on and on. its one of the disadvantages of being isolated so much. thank you for listening.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((( greenfairy ))))))

[greenfairy]

i tried to crawl inside myself where it is quiet, i forced myself to become numb. i was safe. i made it through another day even though i wanted to do things that i shouldnt and i didnt. i held on. and then i was lured out, and found myself facing more pain. and i hate myself because i am not a child anymore and should know to protect myself, but i didnt and now i am hurting. i called my pdoc and told her i am not okay. i am afraid i am losing my mind. i am afraid that because he cant hurt me anymore he sends others to hurt me to do what he cant do to me. i think i'm going crazy. my husband is afraid he will lose his job he keeps staying with me so i know that i am safe. i cant leave the house. i'm scared of whats out there. i cant find my quiet place and last night the flashbacks were like waves drowning me i couldnt breath and i could feel him there standing over me and i could hear his breathing and there was no escape. i am so afraid. my husband is grounding me he talks to me and i try to keep myself here and my head hurts so bad. i dont want to lose it. i'm struggling to keep it together. i need to stay here and just be safe. my pdoc agreed to see me i kept calling and calling and now she will see me and i'm just trying to hold on until then.