This is my life... I don't know if I can change it...

I'm glad your daughter had fun camping. I am sorry you didn't get to go with her.
In my opinion, some of the things you described your mother doing to you and your brothers as children do sound abusive to me. Definitely inappropriate.
You absolutely do need to set boundaries with her. Even if there has not been anything inappropriate, you still have the right to decide how best to parent your daughter. Your mother to respect your wishes regarding language and behavior around your child. You have the right to demand that.
I find it very strange that your therapist would say things about other patients to you. They might say, "some people with DID ________," but to say "patient x did this," seems odd to me. Have you ever confronted him about these sorts of statements? It is his responsibility as much as yours to work to build a trusting relationship. If you could be mistaken in some way, or he has legitimate reasons for statements he's made, he should be willing to clear this up. If not, then I wouldn't find him very trustworthy either.

Gretta, thank you again! I love hearing your replies. You are so understanding and its nice to have the past treatment from mom validated as wrong and not just me over reacting as she says.

There is so much dysfunction, i just dont know where to start in moving past it. You are truly a very kind person and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your understanding.

Its so weong, it infuriates me. So many on here are such good caring people, we did not deserve this! Gaaah. Let me go cook dinner before the anger takes over me again

(((Purple))),

I think you are doing really well in staying firm with your boundaries. Your mother never learned how to do that and because of that you suffered in childhood and even now. Sometimes because we were abused we can pay more attention to the important things about our own children. One of the things I did was notice that my daughter, like all children had discovered herself. I made sure I talked about it with her and made it clear that what she discovered was HERS and not to be shared with ANYONE including OTHER CHILDREN. Many parents don't think to do this and that is how children get curious about other children and we end up troubled adults.

I can safely say that my own child was well protected in that area and I made sure that she really understood to make sure she never let other children or adults touch her, and you do have to cover family members as well. And you will have to be firm and making sure your mother is extremely conservative exposing herself with your daughter. My daughter saw my mother in law and she was upset for a long time hoping that she didn't get breasts like my mother in law had. Children are not ready for that when they are young to be honest.

Yes, boundaries, I am working on that myself. When you work through therapy you are going to see more and more of the disfuction in your family. I see it in my family and the problem is that I have changed and grown and they havent. That is difficult to adjust to. That is one of my very difficult areas regarding my sister. I talked with my T today in therapy and he mentioned that is what I am seeing and I now KNOW more about NOT allowing them to cross MY BOUNDARIES. The problem is that my sister is expecting me to fold like I used to (because I was just always so nice) and now that I DON'T FOLD, she gets really ANGRY with me.

As far as your therapist and your trust in him? My therapist talks about his other patients as well, but I don't ever get to know their names etc. And my therapist HAS talked about people who have DID and how they CAN slowly grow into one person or only two. I just happened to ask about that one day as I had met others here with that and wondered about it. Actually, I can picture a patient getting high and if he tends to service people who can't go to him, maybe someone would ask him to go for a burger. Hey, people are charectors, nothing surprises me anymore to be honest. It could be that he sees that you are intelligent and he engages that. My therapist does that with me and I like it because I don't feel like I am some lowly crazy or something, I am right there with HIM working on my recovery. I don't want my therapist to treat me like a child to be honest, I find that disrespectful, my therapist always is kind and respectful and we talk and he never puts me down, he talks me through it all in a way of emphasizing that I am smart enough to get through the difficult areas. And yet he DOES know that when some of my flashbacks come, I am that child being hurt as well. He has made that clear to my husband so that my husband is kind and caring and gives me time to work through that without thinking I am being childish somehow.

However, Purple, it is important that whenever you get triggered or something your T does effects your sense of safety with him, you should make sure you discuss it. I had a few struggles with my own therapist who was overbooking and that really bothered me, he doesn't do that anymore and just being able to discuss with him that it upset me and having him respect that "boundary" was important.

The other thing that is always in the back of my mind with my T is that while he has treated other patients, he learns something from each patient and if I share, he learns and the more HE knows, the better he can help others like me. I work really hard on my recovery, my T knows that and respects that. We are WORKING TOGETHER AS A TEAM NOW and that took a little time.

Just remember Purple, YOU WILL OUT GROW YOUR DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. And that is ok. You are the one that is getting help.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

You're right open, but the more I actually step back and look at them, without putting the blame on myself or making excuses for them, the more I see just how screwed up we were. No wonder I was such a strange kid. No wonder I don't feel like I fit in with the "normal" people. It's becoming more and more clear just how dysfunctional we were. And it's driving me insane. Half the time I feel horrible about it, saddened, than the other half the time I feel so angry.

I never really thought it mattered to my childhood development but it did. It's not ok for a child to continuously watch their parent taking hallucinogenics. It's not ok for a child to be waking up to strange men standing naked in their kitchen, men they had never seen nor would ever see again. It's not normal to be used to your parent with a drink in their hands and without the drink is strange. It's just not normal, it's not healthy. It's not good. I see more and more just why therapists and psychologists are amazed that I am not that way. Because I just felt that it was normal. I didn't see that much of a problem with it. I thought it was ok as long as there was no physical pain, little did I know the problems that would come 20 years later.

Having CPS at your door trying to take you away from your family isn't normal. But perhaps they should have done so.

I know others have had it worse. I could go on for weeks about all of the messed up or dysfunctional things I've seen, and there are some that could go on for months about theirs. And it's just not right. Our parents should have put us first. Perhaps seeing that I was not put first is the reason that I try to put my child first.

Constant drugs, constant alcohol, constant men, abuse, just a list of things I would never dream of exposing my child to, was normal life for me. I'm done making excuses for any of them. It only saddens me because right now, I'm 10 months from my wedding and it looks like my list is about to go from 50 family members to about 10. And considering the fact that I've moved 32 times (and I'm only 25) and will only have about 6 friends there, looks like my side of the wedding is going to be bare.

It's very difficult. Cutting the list, with these new feelings, it's like every day I'm marking off someone. But every day I'm realizing more and more just how much I don't need them in our lives, if it continues to effect us in negative ways...

I'm glad you're starting to see your family life more clearly, even though it's so sad. I'd much rather have two or three people who truly care for me at my wedding than a room full of people who had hurt me.

Triggers

The whole session with t today was about my anxiety. About all of my fears. The fact that I am afraid of everything. He asked me "What all are you afraid of?" so I start to list the things that really scare me...
Sleep
Being awake
Being alone
Being with people
Car rides
My own brain
Dogs
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Parts of religion
Death
the list goes on and on, literally. And these are fears that will send me into an anxiety attack. It's a nast cycle. I'm afraid of panic attacks which naturally creates panic attacks. I'm afraid to fall asleep, yet at the same time I worry about not getting good sleep which in turn makes me sleep horribly... It's just a million cycles, I'm afraid to live, yet I'm afraid to die. Each morning when I wake up, the thought of the day scares me, yet going back to sleep scares me. I'm in a constant anxiety attack.

So he spent the entire session working on positive thinking. Basically all of my thinking is screwed up. I can tell it is. So instead, I have to change all of the fearful negative thoughts to positive thoughts. "I will not have another seizure" "I will wake up in the morning and feel refreshed" "I will have good dreams tonight" I will not feel afraid when I wake up" You know, all of that funness. We'll see if it helps. Even though I wont necessarily believe it at first, I guess I will in time. I'm supposed to come up with 25 before our next session. We'll see how it goes...

(((Oh Purple))),

Your wedding is about you and your bf celebrating your commitment to each other.
It doesn't matter how many people are there, the people that are important are you and your bf.

Your list of fears was a lot like my list last year while I was not doing very well.
But Purple you really ARE progressing and getting stronger. I know that it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but for a while it is up and down, but with therapy and time it will level out more and more. Maybe you should add that you have someone that loves you, you are going to have a happy life and you know how to be a good mother and you are moving forward and doing better.

I know that it is hard to really see the reality of the disfunction in your family. When I had to go visit my dad in the hospital I could REALLY see it all, especially with my older sister. I thought I handled that whole situation really well and I didn't feed into the drama. But it did stir up some very strong emotions and flashbacks. I feel like I slipped backwards to be honest. Actually I was posting to someone else who was struggling and went into a kind of funk where I went on and on and used a lot of caps. Another member critqued my way of posting and I was actually glad she did because it drew my attention back and I hadn't truely realized how what I had just experienced with my own family had effected me mentally that came out in my posting. As hard as it is I think it is better to actually see it so we can work on it and be more aware of how we react in ways we don't realize.

I have a tendancy to over emphasize when I am addressing an OP who is having the same issues as I am. I think with me being back around my family and seeing my sister for the first time in over a year, maybe more, I was definitely affected more than I realized. I am trying very hard to empahsize to myself to be strong and not to play into the disfunction. I really wasn't aware of how bad it was until I saw the disfunction again.

Purple, as long as you become aware and know their behavior is wrong, you CAN choose to grow past them. I think that it can be just a shock to finally become more aware of it consciously in the now. I know, it can be confusing and hard to sort out emotionally. I am still working on that myself, but I can see I am getting stronger and I can see it in you as well. You are only ruined if you allow yourself to continue to be a part of it and not stand up for yourself in the now. I am sure you are like me and was just not really as aware in the past of the amount of disfunction and ignorance that was really there and that is really common Purple.

The reality is Purple that a lot of parents just don't think children are as affected when they see things and they don't know any better. They can take a lot of liberties because they really think that children will just forget. But because YOU know and can remember, you are much more considerate of your own child. Your child will feel safer and fair better because you will do your best to see to that, I did that as well for my daughter.

I think that you are getting to be in the second stage of recovery where I am. You are recognizing the realities and morning them and at the same time you are making peace with yourself as well. The more you keep progressing the less of that list of fears you have will have power as well. Your therapist is right, you have to now make room for the postitives coming into your life, and you as well.

You are getting there.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

The way you let your anxieties circle is very familiar. I often can't fall asleep because I can't fall asleep. I si because I feel guilty over si. Etc. You know what I mean.
Positive thinking is a concept I wholeheartedly endorse for others, but seem to be terminally bad at myself. (yes I know, hypocrite am I) I really hope you will find it helpful. Please let us know how it goes!

Open, gretta, y'all are so kind for always being there for me, when you dont even know me. If only those in real life would treat us this way. Im supposed to come up with 25 phrases that counter the negative thinking. Ive got 5 and thats it. Im kind of stuck. But i have 5 days till t, hopefully i will come up with more.

Every single day, when i shower, i get in and out as quickly as possible. Panic attacks just from showering. Cant take a bath, doctors orders, and i panic about falling in the shower. I panic waking up, thinking about the day ahead. Its worse when i have nothing to do, i panic about being stuck with my thoughts all day. I panic about panicing, i panic about not going anywhere, but when i have plans i panic about being in the car. Theres no way to avoid my fears, i have to readjust my thinking. But ive had this anxiety for 25 years, it wont happen over night. But i can not live like this, because its not living. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is the only way to get through, but ive made that my life. I have never been able to envision a future, i just havent been able to see past my fears, worrying about these fears and over coming the past, ive never been able to just be. Its a struggle every day just to get through the day.

I didnt realize just how deep i have sunk in this. I thought, considering my past, its a miracle i can put one foot in front of the other. I never expected or even hoped that i could change these things about me. But this is not living. Days where everything goes right and i should be happy, are just as hard as the rest of the days.

Halpiness should come naturally, its just so foriegn to me that when it does, it often scares me. This is no way to live. I have to do something, i just hope t has the answers on what to do

(wonders why baths aren't allowed?? okay if none of my business!) I have very high anxiety bathing, but one of my dogs have taken to guarding the bathroom while I am in there. I didn't even try to train them to do this, they just do. Aren't they smart? That makes it much easier.
I think five phrases is an awesome start. Positive thinking exercises always make me think of "Daily Affirmation, with Stuart Smalley," from Saturday Night Live years ago. Which is an okay association, I suppose, because it makes me giggle.

Lol if i had seen it i would probably laugh too. I cant take baths because of the two seizures i had. I guess they worry about drowning while i bathe if it happens? But i worry about it happening and i fall and hit my head on the spout or something. My dog follows me in the bathroom when i shower, and he knows any time i black out, hes always there barking when i come back, but barking wont help if i hit my head on the shower. So i wait until my fiance is home and shower with the bathroom door wide open. The first couple of weeks after the first seizure, i made him sit in the bathroom while i showered, but i cant keep doing that to him. Poor guy is so worried about me, if i take longer than 5 minutes in the shower hes rushing in to make sure im ok. But hes learning that i feed into his fear and he feeds into mine, so i keep my fears to myself mostly now and he does the same.

I also cant use the restroom without leaving thedoor open when i am alone. I fear people breaking in when i do. Has made for some awequard moments when i dont hear my fiance coming in and there i am on the toilet, door wide open lol

But at 16-18 i was afraid of someone hiding under my bed, so much that i pushedvmy bed in between my door and bathroom, so i could jump on my bed without walking up to it. I slept with a butterknife under my bed, afraid i would sleep walk and do something bad to myself with the knife if it was any sharper, but i had to have something to protect me in case someone broke into my room on the third floor of the apartments. I was afraid of getting shot while in bed so when i would read, i had to lay flat on my bed to prevent being shot thrugh the wall.

Ive come a long way since teen years, but im realizing i have even longer to go

*aargg* For some reason I can't share a link to it. But if you look up Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmation on Youtube, you can watch it.

It seems like a reasonable safety precaution to shower while your fiance is home, just in case. Although you're right, it's perhaps not the best idea for him to be checking on you every five minutes.
I rotated sleeping at the foot of my bed instead of at the head of my bed for many years as a child. I thought if someone attacked me in my sleep, they might be fooled just long enough for me to get the jump on them. My bed was next to the wall, and sometimes I would slide the mattress over just enough for me to wedge between it and the wall, then sleep on the box spring. Once again, I thought it might give me that extra second to surprise them. I still sleep with knives, but I keep them rolled up in a case now, so I don't hurt anyone. It's just the psychological reassurance of knowing they are there.

Thank you gretta, i feel less crazy now. But isolation is really getting to me. Im trapped in this house four days out of the week, the other 3 days i go to a crappy job, and am stuck at home the rest of the time. Perhaps this is a big reason for my craziness, im trapped and forced to live in isolation (apart from my 4 year old) i lack any independence, im stuck. This is making things worse for me, trapping me in my own head. I hate the lack of independence

Ugh. My grandmother needs me to watch my two younger cousins today. Im in no place to do this but she says she has to go to the hospital. Their dead beat mom wont do it so it leaves me. But when they are over here, my daughter picks up on their brattiness. One is 4, 3 months older than her, the other is 8. It wouldnt be that big of a deal but my daughter picks up on their attitude. Not to mention, my grandma was laughing when the 4 year old said he was going to kill me. Hes always telling my girl "im going to marry you" in a demanding tone, and i nicely say "we dont marry family, you can be friends"(theres a lot of incest and child molestation on that side of the family) so now hes apparently saying hes going to kill me because i wont let him marry her. She hides from him when he comes over, hes very demanding and hits her when she doesnt do what he says. Ive been stepping in to stop him and decided to stop letting him come over after his threat, since it was taken so lightly by my grandmother but now she has to go to the hospital. Idk what to do...

(((Purple))),

Just keep paying attention to their interactions and make sure you are there to protect your daughter and she will learn that standing up to these other relatives is her right and she will know you will back her up. She has to learn not to allow them to intimidate her. And she should also learn that their behavior and disrespect for boundaries are unacceptable.

If the 4 year old boy is showing you that he doesn't like YOUR opinion then you need to make sure he knows that that response of him wanting to kill you is not acceptable in YOUR home. Make him sit in a place where he has to take a time out, then go over to him and ask him to appologize and say what he said or did wrong. Apparently whomever parents him is not teaching him to respect others.

Open Eyes

I just dont know what to do now. My daughter keeps saying she doesnt want to die. Shes scared to die. I feel like my anxiety is really being tested. Thats a huge reason for my anxiety and its the only thing she wants to talk about today. Shes only 4 she shouldnt worry about that. I try my hardest to keep that all from her until shes older, but my mom always talks about it. I keep my anxiety from her, never telling her why im upset, only telling her that im sick. But something is rubbing her the wrongway. All day ive been trying as esy and scareless as i can to explain the religious belief on it and why to not be afraid, but all day all i hear from her is "im afraid to die. I want to stay here forever" 8 hours later and im finding it much more difficult to handle it. When i was a child and had these concerns, and told my mom, she would go into a full blown panic attack. Its taking all i have not to do the same around my daughter but i know the importance of talking about it, answering questions. But 8 hours of trying to tell my daughter why she shouldnt be afraid of one of my biggest fears is really weighing on me. I just dont know what more i can do or say, or how much longer i can push my fear asside when its been shoved in my face non stop for the last 8 hours. Im getting sick of my mom thinking she can talk to my 4 year old like shes an adult, no child that young should so strongly be afraid of that

(((Purple)))),

Children that age don't truely understand what dieing means. I think your daughter was just using the combination of words and more concerned by the fact that the other 4 year old threatened it. Every time she brought that up, you spent time with her, children like that and will use anything for attention.

So try to relax Purple, she is just being a child. Don't let it trigger you and send you to thoughts of your mom. I know it can be difficult but you have to be firm with yourself and tell yourself not to accept the anxiety that comes with a trigger. You can weaken that you know.

I know, I work at this myself and I really try to not let things like this get me triggered. I am finding that I am getting stronger with that, you can too.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

You're right open, and thank you for always responding so nicely to my posts. It was just so triggering hearing her talk about the things that I so desperately avoid talking about now from my fear. But I do need to overcome this fear, for my sake and for hers. I can't let her grow up with this anxiety. I can already see it rubbing off on her. I hate what my new issues are causing. It's changing her with my changing and I feel so horrible about it. She's not the happy little care free girl she was any more and it is horrible. I hate myself for that. I hate not being strong enough to be the mom I once was for her. I just don't have it in me right now. I don't have that energy. I don't have that any more and I feel so terrible about it. I'm there for her verbally, I'm there for her in being home with her all of the time, making sure her needs are met, I try to take her places to have fun, but I can tell she sees that I'm hurting inside, almost constantly and I hate myself for it. I just want to go back into denial and hiding, go back to distracting myself and acting as if nothing was ever wrong. But I can't get better like that. I have to work through it, I only wish she didn't have to go without a happy go lucky energetic mom because of my problems..

It's sad for your daughter to be losing some of her innocent happiness, but no one can remain naive forever - in fact it is dangerous to! Don't feel bad that she sees you being anxious, or upset. I think it's a wonderful skill you can encourage in her to be able to empathize with others' feelings. You're also teaching her that feelings and emotions are important, and that it's okay to feel things, even when the feelings are scary. You can also teach her that it's good to talk about feelings, and that it's okay to ask for help with them if they become overwhelming. These are wonderful things to share with your daughter, in my opinion.

(((Purple))),

Well, we cannot go back to ignoring our issues, we have to move forward. You are doing really well with that Purple, you really are. But you have some real challenges and you can't just focus on "you" because you do have a child to take care of and raise.

If you get to a point where you are stressing though, then you should make sure you have plenty of coloring books around so you can do a time out with her and both of you color. We all have anxiety, but what is important is finding activities that we can do that will help us actually lower the anxiety we experience. It is no long about hiding, it is now about finding methods we can utilize that will help us slow down and calm down, and to be honest, that is also very good for children to learn.

It has been proven that coloring "does" help us calm down so you should put that on your list of to do's with her. You can also use reading to her as another time out, that worked SO WELL for me when I was raising my daughter. I went to the library every week with her and picked out a lot of books so I had plenty to read to my daughter. That is something you can do with your bf, he can take you to the local library when he gets home for work. I cannot say enough how much that helped me.

I used to also go to the toy store and look for activites I could do with my daughter also and I also went to craft stores and looked there as well. What I did with my daughter is I planned out our days and I was an at home mom so I found that when I had our days planned out, it was a comfort for me as well. But what I did do is that I taught her how to keep busy and my daughter learned how to do activities, so she learned to plan and learn to learn well before school.

So for me, the mornings were about breakfast and she could watch some TV, which for her was disney movies. While she did that I would clean. Then we would have lunch and instead of me always making lunch, she learned how to make lunch too, even if that meant her making her own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then we would clean house together and I would let her sweep (pick up a child size broom) and my daughter would help me dust too. Then in the afternoons we would read and cuddle, and anytime I had any anxiety, I always had the coloring books and she would color with me and watch me and learn how to color in the lines more and more on her own.
And ofcourse we have music time and also some learn time as well with the flashcards and alphabet etc. Your daughter will be off to school everyday before you know it, so help her be prepared and spend time teaching her every day too. And there is nothing wrong with having a good excercise video that you and her could excercise to as well, kids love that.

It is not that we experience anxiety and issues in front of our children, it is how they watch us manage these issues that is helpful to both child and parent.

We are never going to be perfect Purple, you just have to always make sure your child knows you love, love, love her.

Open Eyes

Can you see how your unsafe and chaotic living environment led to you developing anxiety? I think that in order to recover from anxiety that you have to understand what caused it. Whenever you are anxious, thinking about what caused it and then telling yourself that this was the past and that you are safe now. Do you do any relaxation exercises? I think that you can rewire your nervous system to be calm.

Your daughter can sense your anxiety. I think that it is always better to talk about these things with your child in simple language. Children look to their parents to get the message that things are okay. Your anxiety and lack of explanation tells her that things are not okay. Can you tell her that you have a problem with nervousness and that you are working on it and it is all coming from your past problems and that everything today is okay? Maybe do some relaxation exercises and/or cuddling with her and tell her that everything is okay? How about telling her some stories that can help her to escape to a calm place? It will be a special thing just between the 2 of you?

You deserve to live your life for you now. You owe no one and do not need to take care of anyone but yourself. When you are strong enough you can help whoever you want, but for now take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy life.