[geez]

In my T appt today my T said that I need to separate my feelings from the past that come up in current day situations.

I told my T I was afraid of my 7yr old touching his 3yr old brother inappropriately and I was also afraid of my 7yr old being touched inappropriately by older kids or 'strangers'. Nothing has happened and my boys aren't showing any signs of being touched at all inappropriately by anyone and we have open discussions about what is 'private' etc....

However
I am triggered at the fact that my 7 almost 8 year old is becoming more curious and aware of his body. His awareness has me panicked and afraid that his curiosity in his own body will lead to touching others. I had a dream last night that my 7yr old was being touched inappropriately over time by a friend and in the dream I was devastated. For me it felt like his life was ruined.

My T asked me today - in the dream was he visibly upset? I said no. She then asked was he physically dying or crying in pain? I said no. She said that boys do experiment and touching does happen but it's different than abuse.

My problem is this. I understand intellectually curious touching doesn't necessarily mean abuse and it doesn't ruin a life per se but my emotions feel like it would be the end of the world. An experience worse than death itself.

When it comes to my son being aware of his body I don't have a gauge in my brain that says 'this is ok, it is healthy to be aware of your body' because I was molested at the age of 5. My gauge says: sex is dirty, sexuality is dirty, feeling sexual arousal is dirty. I have a hard time feeling comfortable in physical pleasure because it's ingrained in me that physical pleasure is dirty etc.....

How long does it take to change this thought process???? Anyone out there succeed with changing a cognitive distortion?

[Sannah]

What you are explaining sounds so understandable. I think that you will be able to work through this geez.

If you have taught your boys healthy boundaries they will have learned heatlhy boundaries and they would not invade another's boundaries inappropriately.

Children who sexually abuse others have learned not to respect other people and that their needs come first. Frequently they have also been abused.

And for those of us who have suffered, we are very sensitive to others having to suffer like we have, especially our children.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I learned to be afraid of my own body and also of others' bodies, and of sexuality in general because I was abused. I am working on this. Sexuality is a positive thing, but if we are abused, it feels negative. I learned that I have a problem with sexual abuse, not with sex.

I think I learned that sex was dirty, the same way. From being abused.

Just my thoughts.

Carol

[geez]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I learned to be afraid of my own body and also of others' bodies, and of sexuality in general because I was abused. I am working on this. Sexuality is a positive thing, but if we are abused, it feels negative. I learned that I have a problem with sexual abuse, not with sex.

I think I learned that sex was dirty, the same way. From being abused.

Just my thoughts.

Carol

You have a problem with sexual abuse so how where you able to 'frame it' to not put that in the same category as sex? Intellectually I get it and I'm more than frustrated that I'm not 'getting it' emotionally. Fear is still there.

[Sannah]

Getting things emotionally is the whole thing. You have to work through it emotionally and not intellectually to get there.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Getting things emotionally is the whole thing. You have to work through it emotionally and not intellectually to get there.

Thank you so much for that reminder Sannah. When I was in the outpatient program in December the therapist told me she thinks I try to 'rush myself' through the emotion instead of letting it be there and actually experiencing it. That is what I have to work on!

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by geez

You have a problem with sexual abuse so how where you able to 'frame it' to not put that in the same category as sex? Intellectually I get it and I'm more than frustrated that I'm not 'getting it' emotionally. Fear is still there.

Ditto. I think it takes so much longer to get it emotionally. I'm so frustrated and impatient with myself about this at this point. I know with my brain that sex can be awesome and fun and something that makes you closer to your partner, but every time I have it I feel freaked out and uncomfortable. My T has told me a couple of times that he thinks it takes a lot of trust and love and time, and I just have no patience.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by geez

You have a problem with sexual abuse so how where you able to 'frame it' to not put that in the same category as sex? Intellectually I get it and I'm more than frustrated that I'm not 'getting it' emotionally. Fear is still there.

What Sannah said. Intellect does not work with this. I have to resolve it emotionally. It was an emotional experience---scared me so badly and subjectively made me afraid to trust my body, my feelings, and my sexuality.

Carol

[geez]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

What Sannah said. Intellect does not work with this. I have to resolve it emotionally. It was an emotional experience---scared me so badly and subjectively made me afraid to trust my body, my feelings, and my sexuality.

Carol

How did/do you resolve it emotionally? Did you do some sort of process or exercise to help you resolve it emotionally?

In a way I already know the answer. I'm thinking I need to just allow myself to process what ever comes up and try not to control the process so much because that's when I get stuck. I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and just 'be'.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by geez

In a way I already know the answer. I'm thinking I need to just allow myself to process what ever comes up and try not to control the process so much because that's when I get stuck. I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and just 'be'.

Yup.....

You must have learned that emotions must be avoided at all costs?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yup.....

You must have learned that emotions must be avoided at all costs?

Yes I did. Emotions only brought on trouble. However if I intellectualized the situation I could work hard enough to figure it out in order to change the emotional outcome (that doesn't work ).

[Sannah]

I see, so something that helped you survive when young and powerless has become a problem now that you are an adult?

[Big Mama]

geez I feel terrible for you. I was raped many times by the same man as a young teen so I kinda know what you feel. For me sex does nothing. It is like everthing is numb. But this is not about me it is about how to deal w/ children and there developing bodies. Thank goodness I took classes in collage on child psy and sexuality was included in that.

For starters babies in utero touch there privite parts. From working in day care, I have seen first hand that little male bodies react to touch just like adults do. Females the same. Ever tried changing a diaper on a toddler. There little hands are everywhere in there diaper area. Put an older preschooler in a bathtub and they really need to find other toys to play with. Sexuality is normal and natural. We just have to keep an eye on our children, teach them to be safe, don't just scream stop if someone touches you, scream your not my daddy or mommy.

I have boys to. My mom made me believe sex was dirty and nasty. That never left me and then rape on top of that. It's no wonder I think the way I do. I do the best I can to be open w/ my boys and encourage them to tell me things that are important. My boys are now 13 and 15. The world is a scary place and our kids need us to be open so they are not afraid to talk to us.

Keep working in T. I'm sure things will work out the way they are supposed to.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I see, so something that helped you survive when young and powerless has become a problem now that you are an adult?

Yes exactly! Something my T and I talked about today. What helped me to survive and how it effects me today:

1. Think 5 steps ahead in an obsessive manor to try and prevent an experience of being yelled at, hit or rejected.

2. Being sexual is a scary place so it's 'all or nothing'. Most of the time it's nothing as it could lead to something. To hug or become intimate (cuddling) can lead to sex so it must be avoided.

3. Avoid the unfamiliar.

4. Look for external validation so you can feel successful. Whatever plans I come up with will possibly lead to me being hurt so I always second guess myself. Seek perfection.

[Big Mama]

geez, OMG that is me. 1-4 that is me. That is exactly what I do. Now it gets me no where except warn down and exausted. I can't believe I feel the same things you do.

Emotions are bad, sex is bad, touch even non sexual have the potential to evoke emotions, touch even non sexual have the potential to be come sexual it's all bad.

I am sorry you are feeling all these things but it helps me to know I'm not alone. Thank you geez for helping me see I'm not alone.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

geez, OMG that is me. 1-4 that is me. That is exactly what I do. Now it gets me no where except warn down and exausted. I can't believe I feel the same things you do.

Emotions are bad, sex is bad, touch even non sexual have the potential to evoke emotions, touch even non sexual have the potential to be come sexual it's all bad.

I am sorry you are feeling all these things but it helps me to know I'm not alone. Thank you geez for helping me see I'm not alone.

Sorry you are going through this to ((((BigMamma)))). One thing I am going to try with my H per T's suggestion is to say we can cuddle/hug but it won't lead to sex so there's no fear in that it will lead to something else. Started doing that today and it feels like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders for the time being.