[PlanningtoLive]

I'm in one of those thoughtful, depressed state of minds and I wondered if everyone really survives after being abused.

I was raped when I was very young by a older gentleman that I used to walk a dog for. From what I have recalled, he had more dirty pictures than I have ever seen. He used the idea of "looking at the family album" to get me into the house - the rest you know..........I think I was about 9 or 10.

My first husband, when I was only 18, hurt me so much that I knew everyone in the ER on a first name basis. My second husband was into both physical and verbal abuse, mostly verbal.

And winner #3 is equally physical and verbal. Three time loser here, let me tell you. I learned to not care about the physical attacks because it only hurt the outside, not the me inside. The verbal attacks have created numerous walls and masks that I use/wear to survive.

My parents never hugged me on their own - still don't to this day. If I hug them first, fine......otherwise, it's a long wait. My father still believed in using a belt on my backside, while my mom simply slapped me after my dad was done.

All in all though, did I survive? I exist, I breathe, but I'm not me - and haven't been for years. I don't even know "me" anymore..........

Surviving implies living to me....I am not "living". I am alive, yes. But I carry the scars and the memories with me everyday of my life and always will.

What does everyone else think?

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

You have survived hun. It may not feel like it to you because of the state of mind you are in right now but believe me when I tell you that you have survived. It is the coping with what happened to you is the struggle.

We all have coping mechanisms when something traumatic happens to us....some act out and some keep it in.....myself I kept in what happened to me as well. I was raped too. I was also in an abusive marriage. I still have days that I will look at my bf and think...why is he so good to me? What have I done to deserve someone treating me so well?

I know that I do deserve it....everyone does hun....you included . It is just those knocks to our self esteem that we think we don't. That is where the coping skills come in....therapy, meds, treatment of some kind that works for each of us. Above all - honesty with yourself and others is the best treatment......that is surviving.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry that those things happened to you. Nobody should have to go through that.

You really have survived (and it was a good question). You have been hurt, but you made it through that and are here with us now. The real you is still there, and is the one who talks to us here. She comes out when it is safe. There is a strong you also, and she is also part of you. She just separated herself from the sensitive, feeling part of you because she is the protector, the one who handles things. She is you too. It makes sense that you would be that way - you have become what you had to become in order to survive, and it has worked. You are strong. You are also sensitive and caring and sweet, and those qualities are good also even though that part of you is vulnerable.

Bad things have happened to you in your life. You were abused. If I had a magic wand maybe we could go back and change those things, but I don't, so we can't change the past. There wasn't anything you could do to change it then either - you dealt with it as well as was possible. Now you are an adult and you don't have to let anyone hurt you anymore. You do so many things well. You are a wonderful mother to Alex and he loves you so much. I can tell that you really love him too. You are smart and you are a good worker, and not only that, you have the skills to organize and manage others, and you are very good at what you do. I hope that you can be proud of your accomplishments - they are significant.

You are a survivor. You don't have to let those scars and memories hurt you anymore. Live in the present and work toward a better future.

I'm glad to be able to call you my friend. If you were not a survivor you wouldn't be here to be our friend, would you?

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[PlanningtoLive]

Heather ********hugs***********

maybe I'm just hanging in there, but thank you for the kind words.......it just feels like existing to me.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}

Thank you for such nice words. I try to be a good mom - goodness knows I love Alex with all my heart. Yes, my outer me is very good at her job when she isn't distracted by other issues.

I read your post about DBT and I have been checking into it. I'll be honest and say that it upset me a great deal. Not your post, Wendy, but how similiar it is to what my T is doing. I emailed him, and I was correct, that is what type of therapy he is using. Ironically enough, it may be the reason I do not go back and see him again. I don't like him using "techniques" with me - maybe that sounds strange.

Anyway, I hope you are doing well........thanks for caring.

[Willow]

((((Mary Alice))))) Sorry to hear you down. I know it feels like drudgery, but part of survival is to continue to put one foot in front of the other. You are choosing life. You are choosing recovery. You are a better person for taking the hard road of recovery and honesty.

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

You said that you don't like him to use "techniques" with you. I think that makes sense. Maybe it makes you feel less unique if a technique that is used with other people is also being applied to you. I think that you want to be a unique person as opposed to a client with the focus on a problem or set of problems. Am I close?

You are a unique person, and whatever techniques your T tries with you he has to adapt to fit you and make them something that will help you. There is no program that can be followed exactly the same way that will work for everyone. But ideas have been developed into programs and strategies that make therapy more effective than without them. All counselors have a theoretical orientation, even if it is eclectic, and they use and adapt various techniques or skills in order to find the best way to help you. When you break it down like that it makes it seem less personal, doesn't it? Combining those skills and adapting them to meet the needs of a unique individual is really an art though. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to talk to your T about techniques. I'd be happy to talk to you about techniques also if you like, although I'm such a new beginner at trying to learn that stuff.

The world is a better place because you are in it, especially for Alex and for all the people who care about you, myself included. I wish healing and happiness for you, my friend.

Wendy xoxoxox

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[forgoten]

Someone can destroyed our mind, body and soul but never a person can destroy what we were born with. Love. Even ourself we can't. Sometime by being abuse in different ways, we don't want to love again. Don't want to get close to someone. Give our trust. Get hurt one more time. But still love will come to the surface. Sometime we are even so sad or so angry at that love we have inside us because we can't stop it form coming back over and over again. Being abuse can destroy childhood, who we are, our dreams, our trust, our tomorrows and a lot more but never the love we were born with. Love is our freedom, our strenght, our power, the one who will make us see the small beauty of this world that abuse had almost stolen from us.

forgoten

[ltlredvett]

No, I really don't think that you survive such abuse. I think that it affects you profoundly and deeply, more than you ever probably know. In my marriage of 20 years I was verbally abused and cut down on a regualr basis. I got out of that marriage and then married a woman that devastated me both emotionally and financially. Suffice it to say I think I developed "some issues" with women and began acting out sexually. I was in a wonderful relationship but my behaviors and depression ended it. However, even this woman had an evil side attempting extorsion and humiliating me publicly. Lets just say I have totally lose faith in any relationship as a result of all this nonsense. So, I don't think you are ever the same.

For me it is a lost cause. The compunded affects of the emotional abuse and financial ruin has left me in a place that I can not recover from. This board helped for a while, but then the reality of my life smacks me right in the face. It is just not worth the struggle any longer.

[jennie]

Yes we survived. and yes we may have lost ourselves, too.

i reside in a state of constant dissociation, always withdrawn. i am not who i was when i was being raped and abused. today i am stronger. who am i? i don't know that answer YET. as an adult, i choose not to be a victim anymore.

those scars and memories we carry around with us can loosen their grips on us if we allow ourselves to feel the emotions we deny ourselves. what do you think? are you like me and fear feeling the intense, painful emotions hidden deep within?

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[Serenity]

It took me a long time toreply to this post...it hit too cloe to home...no...we dont "survive" we "exist"
I was abused at the same age, by my "brother" but also before that at age 4 by our gardner.
First hubby was physically and emotionally abusive...second mentally(see a familair trend)
I get introspective about it at times...though I cant say it helps;....but I do understand what youre saying and how you feel. It isnt something yo u"get over" no matter how much time passes..it effects your entire life.
I can count my blessing and say I had the most wonderful Daddy in the world...although knwo he suffers from PSP and wil lnever be the same man I remmeber sadly.
My :"mother"never was one or ever will be. so I hear ya there too.
Amazing what scars we take with us and they neverrealize what theyve done to us huh. There so many things i can trace back to thos eincidents in my life. In hindsight of course and after the mistakes and choices were made
So I, fo rone,. andprobnably one of the few so ay no...we dont survive...we exist...barely.

[PlanningtoLive]

Yes, Bugg we are the same.

[jennie]

((((((Huggs)))))))) those intense emotions, i believe, can only be conquered by TALKING about them (the memories associated with the emotions). i'm testing my theory in a few days as i enter a partial hospitalization program. i hope i talk, not withdraw. i'm afraid i'll break down completely if i let a few tears fall in front of someone. i'll let you know how things go.

do you have a counselor to talk to?

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Bugg.......yes, I have a T to talk to; however, there are times when he asks me questions and I can't vocalize the answer - this massive fear wells up and it is like a door shuts to prevent me from answering him.

This partial hospitalization program has me intrigued. Please tell me about it and how it works. If I don't do something soon, I will not be here any longer.

Thanks.

Mary Alice

[yokus]

I understand how you feel when you say that you don't live life, that you just exist. That's how I feel about my life sometimes too. I know how it is to go the shrink and not be able to say some things because of that door that you are so afraid to open. I was sexually abused when I was a child and than later on. I have dissociated for most of my life and have a hard time getting to feelings or sharing them with someone else. The trust just isn't there and there's too many walls up. I long to just be normal, like everyone else. I wish that I could tear down those walls.

I went to a partial hospitalization program in the past. They had it every day, for the entire day. They had group therapy, educational group sessions, and I believe that it helped to see that other people felt the way that I do. It also helped me to open up a little. So, if you're considering it I can say that it did help me and there are times when I feel like you do now. That's the time, I believe, to reach out and try something new, anything that will help you to get through it.

I understand your pain and I wish that I could do something to make you feel better. I know that you feel alone, but you're not. I read your posts yesterday and I've been thinking about you ever since, because I related so strongly to the things that you said.

I believe that there has to be a better tomorrow. I refuse to let go of that dream. I have been close to death and know that it's not the answer. I know the answer is within me and I will fight and struggle and keep trying because I know that I matter to someone. And I want you to know that you matter to me. I hope to know you better. Maybe together we could share this burden and support one another until that day comes, and it will, where we can let down our defenses, allow people to see inside.

[jennie]

Mary Alice, I get scared like that too, not able to vocalize the thoughts in my head. My counselor has helped me realize that the thoughts are normal and that I've got to get used to hearing myself say words I'm thinking. Also I've rehearsed outloud some thoughts and then somehow spit them out during counseling. That's helped.

I don't know much about the program yet. It is during the day only. It's a safe place for me to cry.

((((Huggs))))))

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Yokus}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Glad to see you back. Yes, I have been considering partial hospitalization. Things are getting bad and it might be the best thing for awhile. Thank you for the input and for caring.

As for opening up to people in 3D anymore, that isn't possible. My friends are the people here. I've been hurt too many times.

Take care of yourself.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm trying to talk about things, but the fear actually blocks the words and I can't get past it.

[sigh]

[jennie]

have you tried taking antianxiety meds before the appointment? today i did that and my counselor said that i talked more than i ever have...heehee. actually, i almost cried.

i went to partial today and it was all groups and classes. people there just finished inpatient program and were RELIEVED to be out of that. i'm thinking now, i'm glad i didn't hurt myself and that partial hospitalization is exactly what i need. the beginning and end of each day they ask you if you feel safe. that's good enough for me. hopefully, i keep saying yes. the last place i wanna be is in inpatient psychiatry.

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

I have actually, but they just make me sleepy. The only place I feel safe anymore is my T's office. I'm having way too many issues these days and not coping well.

If it wasn't for my job, I would really check into the hospital for awhile.

[jennie]

did you tell your T that? (you only feel safe there)

what is it about your job that keeps you from checking in to a hospital?

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Yes, he knows that I feel safe only around him, esp in his office. He is also the only person that can cut thru the emotional chaos and get me to pay attention to him and focus.

If I took a leave from my job, I would be let go. I've only been there about 3 months and I can't afford not to have money coming in.

So, I'm trying to keep myself together and it's getting harder.

[jennie]

(((((((((Huggs))))))))))) have you thought about attending groups afterwork?

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

My T has asked me to, I guess there is a waiting list, but he could help get me in..........I point blank refused. Said that I would never talk about myself in front of others - my surface self would handle it while I went into hiding.

[sigh]

[jennie]

i thought i'd never talk in groups, too. i was wrong. something inside me would have me talking. while you are in hiding, you can listen as your surface self talks for you? huh?

<font color=purple> Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth. Jean-Paul Sartre </font color=purple>