[SeptemberMorn]

or in Sexual Abuse.

Lately I've been replaying in my mind, the sexual abuse that my father gave me. I don't know why. I don't like it! This was over 60 yrs ago! Why now??

I mentioned to a friend last week that what he did to me wasn't painful but he left me feeling like I was "in love" with him. He left the family for good when I was six and died when I was ten. I missed him terribly all my teenage years although my mom would remind me from time to time how physically abusive he was to me, too. It didn't seem to matter although I could see the cruelty.

He did imprint on me what he had me do when he was sexual with me, although it never caused me problems with my sexual partners.

Why am thinking about it so much?? Why is it coming up NOW? UGH!!

Anyone have problems like this? What do you do about it?

[SeptemberMorn]

Why do people read here? Is it voyeurs that want to get a kick out of other people's misery? I've had 12 reads and no responses! There's another thread with over 100 reads and only nine responses!

[biiv]

i read here septembermorn but feel hugely uncomfortable talking about any sex stuff hence am quiet. well also just where i am right now in my head.
i dont know what to say to your thread im afraid. just wanted you to know that maybe its not voyeurs or whatever just reading.
im sorry you re having this come up for you at the moment.
i hope things settle down for you again very soon.
take care
biiv

[Raynaadi]

SeptemberMorn, I will often read a post but if I have no experience, I won't reply. I think that is probably the case here. I'm gonna find out where the thread belongs, since I am not sure......

Rayna

[okiedokie]

Hi Sept,
Maybe you're thinking about it now because of this new forum?! I dunno...I wish you peace though!
Okie

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((SeptemberMorn)))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that all this is coming up now. Maybe something happened that triggered your thinking of him? Even reminiscing may bring back unresolved issues. The only thing I know to do is to work through what happened in the past. I am guessing that there were many conflicting emotions from when you were young. Maybe they need processing? I know I didn't even start dealing with any of my abuse until very many years later. I hope I was some help and am sorry you are going through this.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks for saying something... anything, Biiv. It's hard to put out something "nasty" and not have anyone respond in any way. It's probably just me since I've been arguing with myself as to whether to post about it or not.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks for moving it, Rayna. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it should have been here.

I don't know why things seem to be forgotten/buried/dealt with but then pop back up.

I am having a similar experience. I thought I had dealt with things, but they have been resurfacing and intruding on my thoughts for a while again. I think it is because I am in mid-life, I am single, and my grown son is now living on his own. My identity is in question again. Who am I now that I'm not needed in that capacity? What do I do now? Who is that in the mirror anyway?

Where do I go from here?

Looks like backwards is one of the directions my mind has decided to experiement with...

Those are my thoughts and I am back in therapy where I hope to get help with these old old issues that I thought were over and done with.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thing is, the father wasn't my only perp. The grandmother was, too. I've felt more active hate towards her than the father. She was vicious, cruel and tried to control the entire family with her evil schemes.

IDK, maybe you're right.

[SeptemberMorn]

I thought I had dealt with it when in therapy... all 15 yrs of it! Maybe I didn't deal with my issues with him. Just wish the memories and thoughts would stop! There doesn't seem to be any point to it. They just come and it's really hard to stop thinking and feeling! UGH!

Sometimes I wish I could just sever the cord that ties me to those people and to the past! EEWWWWWW! My knees go weak when I think about it all!

[Talulah]

Hi, Sept.....
I don't know what to say because I'm afraid, because I sort of feel this way about an experience with me too, and I'm not ready to share yet.

I admire your courage to share this with us, I want you to know that mostly...

I feel shame with this confusion and it has interfered with my sex life/partners and that adds to the confusion and I am afraid to get too personal on that.

Also, my t says things surface when we are ready to deal with them or face them and whatever feelings/emotions this brings. She also says that throughout the changes I'll see in my life, I will face this same issue at many times, from many vantage points so it never really goes away.....just our view changes of the issue and maybe our responses.

Don't question the why now, know you are strong enough and ready to sift through all of it, whatever it is you feel. I believe this is why it's showing itself to you now.

Take care of you

[mtd]

SeptemberMorn,

I know how you feel. At times like this, a good friend reminds me that I should "commit to reality at all costs, because that is where I will find true serenity." I don't like it, but I have to accept that I can't change my past. I have to confront it and work to heal the pain, so that I can step forward again. I have to let the feelings be what they are, not try to change them or deny them. When the feelings are all out, then I can get some peace inside.

You'll be in my thoughts.

be well,

mtd

[SeptemberMorn]

You know, if there is any shame, it's that I'm dealing with this NOW. Have mercy!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
he left me feeling like I was "in love" with him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I thought it was easy for me to bury it because he hadn't traumatised me. I made all sorts of excuses for him. But... am I finally "falling out of love" with him! OH GAWD!!!

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My identity is in question again. Who am I now that I'm not needed in that capacity? What do I do now? Who is that in the mirror anyway? Where do I go from here?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Exactly!! I ask myself those questions all the time. I chalk it up to Empty Nest Syndrome, but then these other thoughts come up... I don't need them! I don't want them! It's over and done.

I've been going backward a lot, too, and that I chalked up to getting old. After all, don't all people live in their memories. This isn't one I want, though! Doesn't seem like there's much I can do about it.

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have to let the feelings be what they are, not try to change them or deny them. When the feelings are all out, then I can get some peace inside.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Guess I'm spending a lot of time denying the feelings. They're not right! I don't want to feel them! It's like it's ME committing incest with my own father instead of the other way around.

DAMN HIM! He told me that's what two people do that love each other! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!

[Fuzzybear]

[dalila]

<font color="green">Septembermorn,
This is a difficult subject and I can really understand where you are coming from. My godparents seemed to enjoy watching my body respond against my will. They used cruel games that made it even worst. The flashbacks were shaming and even thinking about it now is hard.

My therapist says life is like a slinky you go around and around, visiting and revisiting the same stuff but at a different level each time. So that each time you are addressing it from a different angle and a different level of healing. Sometimes I find that very comforting and other times not so much.

I have had to revisit a lot of the past abuse because I buried the anger and needed to allow myself to feel it. I wish I had more wisdom with this cos I can still feel what they caused me to feel and the fear and shame and pain that came with the forced arousal. I can say I am not stuck there now and knowing the truth about it has made it easier to put into the past. I am determined to not be a victim any longer but I still get stuck in the survivor mode.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{Dalila}}}}}}}}}}} You know exactly what I'm talking about!

My T likened it to a rotten spot on the layers of an onion. Each time you come around to that rotten part, you peel off a layer, continue going and you come around to it again, but like you say, at a different level each time... hopefully.

Knowing myself, I'll peel off those layers, but I sure don't want to feel the feelings! I don't want to hear his voice, a voice that I had forgotten up until recently. ... I don't want to go through this again!

[biiv]

i know exactly what you mean septembermorn. to me it feels like a total rejection to see people read and not respond when i make myself vulnerable in a post. you can see now from all these answers you are cared about though and you did the right thing to post i think! well done to you. you are a courageous lady.
(((((((((((septembermorn)))))))))) if ok.

[sidony]

Hi SeptemberMorn,

I originally saw your post when it was in the sexual issues forum and was struck by your anger at the lack of responses. So I followed the post over here!

I understand that it's frustrating when no one responds. In fact, I even left another forum once because any complicated issue I tried to post was routinely ignored (in my opinion).

But with that said, there will always be way more views than responses. I read a lot of posts that I don't respond to. I didn't respond to yours because I couldn't think of anything to offer. I don't know how someone can deal with abuse or why it would resurface. The only thing I can offer is this (and it isn't much): I feel very sorry to read about your pain -- I think it's terrible what was done to you, and I hope that someone (therapists, friends, etc.) can help you deal with it. I imagine that traumatic experiences always follow you in life. I'm sad to read about it. I hope it gets better for you.

That's the only response I can give you, and I didn't really think it was enough to be worth giving. :-(

Sidony

((((((((SeptemberMorn)))))))))))
It broke my heart when I read that somehow the abuse made you feel like you were in love with him and then he left.
It's bad enough you were abused but then abandoned on top of it. It sucks that he confused you by giving you a false sense of intimacy with a mind so young, impressionable and vulnerable. I don't know why it's all coming back to you now-maybe something, subconsciencely, made you think of it.
I can indentify with what you've been through-my father abused me but I loved him to peices, regardless and then he just up and left. When he came back and continued the abuse, I still loved him. It makes me feel so sick and confused.
Please, know that you're not alone. ((((((((((SeptMorn))))))))

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( Tomi )))))))))

I really wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. You have been under a lot of stress lately, it could be that the stress is bringing it back again... kinda like pavlov and his dogs... your body felt the same stress while in therapy, or while in the situation, and now you experience compltetely non-related stress, but your body doesn't know it and thinks it must be the memories??? Maybe you haven't peeled the last layer of the proverbial onion???

I feel so helpless... I know how much hurt and confusion and irritation it can cause just thinking about it!

[SeptemberMorn]

Biiv, thanks for understanding and letting me know. Yes, it feels like rejection to not even get an "I'm sorry you're feeling this way" ya know? Most of the time, I don't even look as the reads as opposed to the responses... because most of the time I don't care. Now I'm amazed at all the caring responses and other disclosures. It's almost like a sisterhood... I guess, I don't know exactly how it feels, but it's a lot better!

Thanks again!

[SeptemberMorn]

OOPS! Did I answer the wrong person? I didn't mean to. I addressed my answer to Biiv, but I guess I would answer you the same way.

It's the vulnerability that one feels, the exposure that feels it went unnoticed... or something like that. LOL

Thank you for responding. It really helps to get one's vulnerability validated.