[damajdancer]

last night i stayed the night at this party thing with some friends. i got very drunk. some of my friends went to sleep and i was just kind of sitting there...i was to awake. and this guy sits down next to me...i've seen him before but i barely know anything about him. now im already drunk, and he kept giving me more to drink. then we started making out...and one thing led to another. i woke up at like 1pm today. i knew what happened last night, but its like it wasnt me. i know that we had sex. but i also know that if i was sober i wouldnt have let him have sex with me. but the big thing is...he told me he was 18...im 14...i found out he is really 21. right now i dont know if it would be considered rape. but if that is considered rape...what should i do, i cant go to anyone.

There are many people who could help you deal with this. I hope you reach out. You should perhaps start with a rape crisis line or going directly to the police but I'm hoping you will first tell someone (an adult) who can help support you while doing this. As per your question - It is rape for several reasons - 1. b/c you are a minor 2. b/c you were drunk

Not to mention the offense of serving alcohol to a minor.

I'm sorry that happened. I hope you reach out to others.

[AmatureBombTech]

There were many laws broken by this male. You need to either tell an adult you trust immediately or call a rape crisis line or get to to your nearest hospital for a rape kit to get tested for evidence, STD's and get the morning after pill immediately.

There are more than reasons of just the rape itself to worry about...there are very long term effects to worry about for yourself, your health and God forbid a baby.

Please, there is no reason to blame yourself for anything that happened to you. You are a minor and were cohersed into doing something by an adult that took control over you. I'd be willing to assume that he is very worried right now that you might have found out the truth about his age. Why do you think he lied to you about his age? Because he was committing a crime against you already by just talking to you about sex so he told you he was 18...he already knew what he was about to do was wrong and therefore he is probably shitting bricks right now worried that you are going to the cops. You need to do this.

What happens when he does this to someone else? How many others do you think he has done this to? If you let him away with this...he WILL do it again...

I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE...what happened to you last night is exactly what happened to me at your age.

[drummergrl]

In the eyes of the Law, there is NO SUCH THING as consenual sex. He was 21 bedding down a 14 year old child. He knew better. He needs the crap scared out of him, that's for sure. When he finds out after he's sober, that might make him beat feet out of town!!! He knows the law and he's not about to come forward. He's facing 8 to 25 years for that plus his foto will now be put on the Sex Offenders hotline and everyone will be able to find out what he did. He's a pedaphile....pure and simple! He's not going to like prison.
As for your immediate dilemma, by all means, go and have a rape kit done. This gives you the evidence you need to press charges. They won't humiliate you at a Rape Crises Ctr. They will help you with counseling, examination, and advice for STD's. You will want to have an
AIDS test done as well. For your own peace of mind. That's the problem today, not just getting pregnant, you can get around that, but AIDS takes your life. That would be a real tragedy. At 14 you've just begun to live. On the other hand,
at some point, you also have to accept responsibilty for your part. You were drinking, young lady, and that's never a good idea at your age!!! Please be more careful in the future. Enjoy your time as a child. It passes by before you know it.

[selfy]

that was rape yeah, it is illegal to have sex with a minor, serve drink to a minor, and he lied about his age. it is rape if u have sex with a minor consensual or not, even if u r sober. so basically, call the cops on him and have him chucked away for taking advantage
i hate people like that.... grrr

[drummergrl]

That's what I was saying, selfy! I wasn't being coy. There is no such thing as "consenual" sex with minors!!! It's rape.
He should have known better, and in my opinion, he DID!!
She still needs to take care of herself, though. All the above mentioned things she still needs to do. For her own good.

[DePressMe]

Damajdancer, this is a difficult thread for me to reply to…I am angry and yes, it does bring up bad memories for me. The same thing happened to me—I was given alcohol and pot and then raped. At the time, I felt somewhat responsible because I did not say no. I sure did not want to tell anybody about it. Also, I did not want to get the person in trouble—I just wanted to forget about it. So, I kept it a secret and I believed I was responsible…the longer I kept it a secret the harder it got for me to deal with—it became a contributing factor to a suicide attempt. This impacted how I developed sexually…it affected how I felt about myself. As I look back on it now, I know I was not responsible. What happened was rape. I was 14 and I was raped by a 33 year old. I tell you this because I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know I understand what you are feeling. Please, tell somebody. PM me if you ever want to talk about it.

I agree with others here. Please tell an adult and contact the police a rape crisis line an go to a hospital. What he did is illegal and wrong.

[damajdancer]

i dont know why i even asked such a stupid question...of course it was rape...i didnt want to have sex. i dont know what im going to do. i cant tell the police, last time this happened they didnt help at all...they pretty much laughed in my face. i guess i could tell a close friend...but i dont want anyone feeling sorry for me, and i know thats what my friend will do.
i cant stop thinking about that night...bits and pieces are missing because i was so drunk, but i know what happened. im having horrible flashbacks from two years ago when i was raped by my best friend...then he shot himself right in front of me. it feels like all this is happening again. i've been having dreams of that guy shooting himself. i feel like im going crazy...its like im obsessing on this and i cant make my mind shut off.

[AmatureBombTech]

Well I am sorry that you cannot see the importance of your recovery in reporting this and bringing this man to justice. It is completely apparent you are suffering severe PTSD both from the first rape and the second.

But, you have a responsibility to your community to keep it safe. You are allowing a rapist to remain on the streets because you don't want your 'friend to feel sorry for you'? Who wouldn't feel sorry for a rape victim? We do, your friend would and so would you.

It is unfair to come on here and ask what you should do and then argue that what we have told you isn't going to work. You have been given very sound advice by many people here and we all did it because we care about you and your healthy, safe recovery.

Perhaps there's more to this story if you feel you cannot report it. Perhaps you need to investigate why you need to binge drink to such a degree at such a young age. Would this situation have happened if you weren't drinking so? Is that what is stopping you from reporting it? It shouldn't...because no matter what your actions were, you still are not to blame for another person forcing you to have sex. But you need to examine why you need to drink the way you do. It is not a common thing for people your age.

Think about it this way...if this rape happened to your daughter....what would you want to do about it? You see, I have a daughter just about your age, and at this time, if that ever happened to her...if that guy wasn't jailed for his own safety from me...he'd be dead by my own hands. Why? Because I wouldn't want him able to do it to anyone else. If you leave him to go free...he might do it your friend....or a sister, or your mom....think about that. You're worried about someone feeling sorry for you when he could possibly ruin their life forever too???? Hmm...feeling sorry as opposed to ruining someone else's life too...sounds like an unfair exchange doesn't it?

Please hun...if you are doing adult things like drinking and partying...you need to start cleaning up like an adult would. That means bringing this man to justice.

ABT

[drummergrl]

Kudos to you Mr.immaturebomb???? on your opinion!!! That's hitting her where it should hurt. I know how she feels
but I also went thru it with my own daughter. She knew her assailant, and when I found out.....you know what hit the fan!!! That's okay. I got my day in court. He won't be whispering her name even on his death bed!!! And I won't go into the "what" of it. Get my drift?
Anyway, that little girl should tell her parents what happened, and do all the things I told her she should do for her own peace of mind. Of course if she'd rather be MISERABLE...........so be it. You can lead a horse to the troth, but you can't make him drink!!! Worry about the next victim who has to endure being raped. It's probably NOT the first time he's done that?? and it's not likely to be his last/only!!!!! We aren't trying to be harsh on you for nothing
we are giving you the benefit of our experiences from life....
whether you choose to ignore or deny them is totally up to her. I wish her luck though if she thinks it's just going to go away???? That doesn't happen.

[damajdancer]

i was raped once before and i know that it doesnt go away. and no i dont wish to be miserable. and im sorry that when i reported the first rape the cops just said i shouldnt have been friends with someone who would do such a thing. i live in a small town outside of chicago and the police dont do %#@&#! if you have a record...my record has been bad since i was 11. now i have stuff from runaway to battary to truencey. and i know that that stuff is my fault but being raped isnt my fault and i will always know that because i know what it does to you if you think it was your fault.
my next t appt is in one day, im going to tell him, he will tell my parents, my parents will tell the police...my parents dont have records so the police will work with them. im not doing this because i dont want people to feel sorry for me, im doing it this way so something will be done to this guy.
ive been through this before...and im not going to let things end the way they did 2 years ago.

[gostryter]

just read your posts...i'm so sorry!! did you end up telling your T about it?

what was life like before you were 11? what is your home life like now?

oh sweetheart! only 14 and all this to deal with!! you have a lot of years ahead of you! start working now to make yourself feel better...the longer you wait the harder it will become...

and trust me...not dealing with your pain won't make it go away...it will follow you your entire life. i'm 32 and you've read some of what i've been struggling with...

i cut my wrist when i was 14 and that started me in therapy...but i couldn't deal with my pain and so here i am an adult...hurting myself physically becuase i never learned to deal with the pain.

it's not fair that you are so young and have gone through so much...but those are the facts...you can choose to continue to do drugs and drink to hide or you can face your pain.

i chose to hide from my pain but it always found me!

i sense that you are a strong and intelligent girl - i know you can do what you need to to straighten out your life! and we are all here to listen and help and give hugs whenever they're needed!!

((((((((((((((((((((damajdancer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[drummergrl]

Ditto gostryter!!!
I, too, went through the same thing, only it wsn't rape, but molestation. It carried through to my late 20's. I turned to the bottle to try to forget. Guess what? That doesn't happen!!! It follows you wherever you roam. I even moved out of state, and one day..........Poof! there it was again. I finally had to deal with it after my perp was dead.
I could be safe then and not have to worry about his reprocussions on my mother. I did it to save her. I couldn't be responsible for him killing her because I told her what was happening. In the end she didn't believe me anyway.
That hurt even more then what he did. All the therapy in the world will never let that die!! But that's just me.
Do not end up like this. It's better to try then to drink it away or run away...........either or, it's still there when you wake up in the morning.
Take care........we're here to help if you need it.

[damajdancer]

i saw my t. we talked through all the same things as two years ago. only this time it was much more different. even though i was telling myself constantly that it wasnt my fault, i really do feel responsible. you guys are right i shouldnt be drinking at such a young age. and i was the one who drank it, its not like he forced me to drink...he just offered it. im feeling very guilty now. im trying so hard to deal with it and not do anything stupid. but its harder this time because i didnt have to drink that.
but anyways, my t told my parents. my home life is pretty messed up so this is what happened. my mom doesnt believe any of it (same thing with the first rape, and my overdoses) i have 48 hours to find a place to stay because she is sick of me and all my drama. My dad on the other hand didnt think anything of it. my relationship with him isnt that great either. he beats me whenever he is drunk, last time i tried defending myself i was in the hospital with 11 stitches. so now he wants me to come live with him...ha yea right. so last time i was kicked out of my house i lived with a very good friend of mine. so hopefully she will take me in once again. but it was my dad who said he wants something done about all of this. so he will be talking to the police and things will get started i guess. hopefully my dad stays sober long enough to 'help' me with this stuff.
so there is an update i guess.

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((damajdancer)))))))))))))))))))))

hold on sweet girl! you are strong - you can handle this.

first - the rape was not your fault. what the others were trying to say is you need to start taking responsibility for your actions. drinking is not acceptable.

however - and there's a big however - he is an adult and you are a child. you think like a child. you reason like a child. you are a child. as an adult, he thinks and reasons like an adult. you don't understand this now - but you will.

what he did was serve you alcohol. it's true you could have said no. but trust me! if he said he was only 18 - i'm guessing he manipulated you more than you realize in to drinking and how much. he knew what he was doing. he knew his malicious intention was to get you drunk and rape you.

shame on your mom and shame on your dad for treating you the way they are. drama - of course there's drama - you are a teenager!! obviously from a less than stable home life.

when you're dad put you in the hospital - where was social services?

sweetheart - you have it rough. but you are little fighter!! and things may get a bit bumpy over the next few days and weeks - but the road will eventually smooth out for you. just hold on.

[bellaviolet]

damajdancer...... yes it was rape. he deliberately took advantage of you, and the fact that you are only 14 only makes it that much worse. i am sorry your family isn't trying to protect you like they should....... my dad didnt protect me either and i know how that hurts........ i am thinking of you and hope things will get better for you....... i am sorry you are going thru this sweetie...........

(((((((((((((((((((damajdancer))))))))))))))))))))))

[drummergrl]

Hey dancer! That is awful that your parents are taking so light of a concern here. They should lose you for good to another home where you will be safe, have rules, and a peaceful surrounding. That's what parents are supposed to provide. Shame on them!!! They are not stand up characters at all. They should be prosecuted, I think.
Anyway, stay strong and believe in yourself and you can make it through this tragedy. It doesn't have to ruin your life, or run it. You are very young, but you've learned an awful lesson about the evils of drinking at your age. Like I said, maybe C.P.S. can find you a better foster home then the one you live in with your parents. They aren't all bad, otherwise no would be placed in them. Yeah, where was social services when your dad put you in the hospital? That's the act of a coward!!! I have no sympathy for him.....
someone needs to knock his block off.