[angel87]

Hi. Um ok. I am 20 and female. I’m 5’9” and about 145. I lost my virginity about a month and a half ago under odd circumstances. I went to a party at my friend's house at college who was about 24. He had asked me to come and spend more time with him. So I had a beer and then two glasses of sangria. I felt that he was like a brother to me bc we had known each other for 3 years and he always so nice and supportive. He was always interested in my life and how I was doing.
So I had 3 drinks and then I think I had another beer. He kept asking me if I wanted more drinks and I kept saying no. Then I finally said yes and had another beer and started playing beer pong. I didn't drink the beer in the cups during the game, because I didn't want to get too drunk. As I was playing I felt more and more drunk then he started kissing me and touching me, which I didn't mind because I was feeling pretty aroused to be honest. Then he took the beer I was drinking, put it down and led me upstairs to he room. (I think it was my 4th drink but I don't remember)
In the room he started to kiss me and then started to touch me. I was kissing him back. Then he started to take my clothes off. I didn't stop him. Then he put me on the bed and took his shirt off. I remember being a little alarmed bc I didn't know what he was going to do. I was overwhelmed. I was flattered that he wanted me, but I was scared too. Then he said I'm going to get a condom. I don't know why I didn't say "no". I just laid there. Then he came back. The lights were off and all I could see were shadows. I put my hand over my crotch and said, "I'm a virgin you know." (As I was laying there the world was spinning, that happens to me when I'm drunk) and he said "Well we all have to do it sometime" he moved my hand and put his penis in me.
At first I was too shocked to say anything, I was too shocked to scream. Then I gave up bc the pain was too much. I think I screamed (I might have just been whimpering) I remember thinking that it hurt so much. I don't remember if I screamed. I wanted it to be over. I didn't like it. And I just put my hand over my eyes and just tried not to think about it. He was holding my hands over my head. I was scared by the sounds he was making. Then when he was done, he let go of my hands and said "he'd been waiting for that since freshman year" He got up to pee I think.
While he was gone, I just covered my face and started to shake and cry. I put my hand down there to see if I was bleeding, but it was too dark to see. When he came back I was shaking. He climbed back into bed and asked me if I was cold. I said yes. I couldn't stop shaking. I felt so cold. I was shivering so much. I didn't know what to do so I said either I want to put my clothes on because I was freezing or we'd have to do it again. I don’t know why I said that. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. We did it again.
After he was done. He turned on the light and said that I should probably get dressed. I got up and felt dizzy and scared. I was trying not to cry. Everything seemed different. I couldn't focus. I couldn't even find my clothes and he had to tell me where they were. I was so ashamed that he was watching me get dressed. After I was dressed. I told him I wanted to go home. So we went back down to the party and got my purse. He walked me to the edge of campus, and asked me if I wanted him to walk me home. I said no. I just felt numb. I knew I was drunk and shouldn't be walking home alone, but I just didn't want to be on campus anymore or around him. I just felt numb. I didn't feel anything. The next day I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was distracted and I just felt numb. I still don't know what to feel about it. Do you think I was raped?

[angel87]

I would really appeciate any feed back. I don't know what to feel or think right now

(((((((Angel))))))))
in my honest opinion I wouldn't call it rape, i would say you were taken advantage of and treated extremely badly by the bully and idiot you were with. He obviously has no respect for women, or he would have respeced the fact you were a virgin, you were drunk, but you didn't say no. I know you weren't thinking straight, but you consented to sex with him again afterwards. Someone else may disagree with me, I just think he acted badly towards you while you were under the influence of alcohol.
If your drink was spiked that may be a different matter, are you used to drinking? If you don't usually drink much it would make sense you were so giddy etc, but if you do drink on a regular basis with friends, do you think you became drunk far too quickly?
maybe more details here are needed to make a judgement. Just know we are here to support you no matter what, and I hope you can sort this out, try to find out whether he has a reputation etc, do you know him that well?

good luck, sorry I couldn't be more help

Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[recluse1]

it sounds to me as though he was trying to get you drunk for the sole purpose of taking advantage of you. i am so sorry this has been such a horrible experience. i would stay far, far away from this guy. for he is no friend. no friend would take advantage of you the way he did. and if you feel your drink may have been spiked you can get a drug test at almost any pharmacy these days. if it comes back positive for drugs...then yes, you were definetly raped. there are alot of date rape drugs out there these days. something to remember --- always keep an eye on your drink and never leave it unatended and always get/mix it yourself. always here if you need to talk.

recluse1

[angel87]

i do drink occasionally. I just don't remember how much I had. He's not a bad guy. He wouldn't hurt me intentioanlly. I just never said no. I mean there were points were I should've/wanted to but didn't. It's not his fault. I shouldn't have put myelf in that position. It was just supidity. Sorry to bother you guys.

[Perna]

I think you had a very bad experience but from what you have said you said and did, I don't think you were raped. I hope you decide not to drink as much in the future but I know I did all through my 20's, 30's and 40s until I couldn't drink as much/didn't "enjoy" it.

angel, please dont say sorry, you're not bothering us at all, I'm glad you had the confidence to confide in us here at pc. Nothing is ever too much bother if something is niggling at you. please keep talking and posting,
Jinny xoxoxoxo

[drummergrl]

Unfortunately this is a HARD lesson to learn, but maybe you can walk away from this a little wiser and certainly a lot more cautious the next time. I would say that this young man isn't the " gentleman" you perceive him to be, and should stay away from him totally!!! Oh sure he's a nice guy and wouldn't hurt you????...........HE ALREADY HAS!!!
You are wrong about taking the whole responsibility on yourself, he had a part in this too. He shouldn't have taken you up to that bedroom at all!!!! PERIOD. He's not as stand up a guy as you think.
I couldn't call it rape until I knew more facts, but the fact that he told you " ya gotta do it sometime" doesn't sit well with me. You can talk to a police officer who answers sexual battery calls and see what he tells you. Get the drug test done and see for yourself if he spiked it with something. He's been waiting to do that to you since you were freshmen????? That guys a cad. Have a police officer go out and talk to him and scare the crap out of him!!
He will think twice about fooling around the next time....unless he's a blithering idiot!!!!

Do this for your own peace of mind. What he thinks is not important. What happened to you IS!!!

[Peanuts]

Please don't think you are bothering anyone - you were abused by someone you had trusted. This person is not trustworthy and I think he treated you badly. He is not a good person - a decent guy would not purposely try and get a woman friend drunk and then callously have sex with her body. I don't think a decent guy would treat a woman like that.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I would contact a rape crisis center and talk with someone about what happened. I think it would help. A crisis center can advise you on getting help for yourself. Your person-ness was assulted - I think it would help to speak with someone at the rape crisis center about what happened.

I am sorry that someone you had trusted betrayed your trust and treated you so horribly.

[angel87]

I told my friend last night online. I was the hardest thing I've done. We were talking about eating issues and then I just told him that I had a bad sexual experience. He wanted me to tell him about it. So I just e-mailed him my post on here because I didn't want to write it again and have to feel it again. When I think about what happend I can just read it like it's someone else and I don't have to feel it. He said that when I covered by crotch that meant no, but I don't know how I feel about that. None of my behavior indicated no. I can't blame him.

[angel87]

i think that i'm better now bc I was able to tell a male

[angel87]

I was supposed to go to a meeting with a counselor at 9am this morning. But I couldn't make myself go. I just felt dumb. I just want to forget. But now I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. Now I'm bingeing too.

[recluse1]

(((((((angel)))))) please talk to someone. this is obviously bothering you more than you would like to admitt. do not carry this baggage around with you and continue to take all the blame upon yourself. what he did was wrong and you need not feel ashamed about it.

recluse1

[angel87]

Thank you all for your kind words. I just don't know what to feel right now. Whatever it was happend 2mts ago and I'm just now thinking about it. I haven't cried since that night and even now I don't feel it. I'm not angry or sad. It's odd. Even when I'm posting it's liek I'm talking about someone else. I see him a lot now that the semester has started. He's always friendly and I don't know how to respond to that.

I told one of my best guy friends about it the other night. He's like a brother (that phrase just seems so dirty now) we talk all the time and I can tell him anything. We were discussing my eating (i'm a ballet dancer and i somtimes struggle w/ food) and I told him i wanted to tell him something. Even though we were online I didn't want to tell it over agian. I didn't want to feel. So I sent him the post i put up here and he read it. He asked if he could call me and talk to me on the phone but I couldn't do it. I was to ashamed to speak to him directly. we talked for a while and he made me promise to talk to the councilors here at school.

I had an appointment with them at 9am today, but I couldn't make myself go. I was too embarassed. I was also terrified of what they would say or do. I was afraid they wouldn't beleive me. I also didn't want to be exposed or have to tell it all over again. On one level I want to tell someone and get it out and on another level I want to forget and never think about it.

My friend called me at 8:45 to see if I was going and I told him no. He said that he respected my decision. He said I didn't have to go or do anything I didn't want to do, but he would feel better if I went because I was starting to have eating issues (normally I'm a restricter, but since it happened I have had bulimic tendencies) So I called and told them I wasn't coming and made an appointment for Tuesday. However it's with a man. It was the soonest available time slot. I'm afraid.

[Peanuts]

Good for you making an appointment for next Tues. I know you are scared and nervous - you are doing something for yourself now and you need to do this. You have been injured and having an opportunity to talk with someone who can help is so important. I'm glad you have a friend who is there for you. Would it help if your friend came with you ? Or at least walked with you to the appointment and then left ??

Hang in there -

[drummergrl]

Dear Angel87:
I fear that you will NEVER have inner peace or sancuary until you spill your guts out to someone trained to deal with this. It will eat you up inside and you will one day turn that anger in on you!!! I wouldn't want that to happen to you. He was WRONG. Accept that and go on with the help you need. It wasn't your fault. He should have respected you as his friend first, then as a gentleman. He's not crying
over you, is he? And he won't!! He's just being a class A jerk who thinks he can get away with anything. It won't be the last time, angel, he'll do it again to some other unsuspecting "friend". Count on it. Save yourself. Let him take responsibility for HIS actions. You'll feel better when you do.

Take care!!!

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
drummergrl: He was WRONG.

I'm not comfortable with that statement. Throughout this thread I see many others acknowledging that angel87 found herself in a situation that placed her out of her comfort zone. She can recognize where she didn't communicate clearly or state where her boundaries were, perhaps because she wasn't too certain herself at the time.

While we would likely all prefer that our initiatory sexual experiences be beautifully orchestrated works, most of them aren't. They're awkward fumbling attempts at intimacy in the dark. We don't have a clear idea of what we're supposed to do or when we're supposed to do it and we don't usually have the skills to identify our own needs and desires, nor communicate them adequately. I think it needs to be allowed that the young man angel87 had this experience with could be every bit as uncertain as she was and remains. He probably did not have much sexual experience either. This makes him inexperienced, maybe even insensitive but it doesn't necessarily make him "wrong" or "the bad guy" or "a rapist".

What's important is how we frame and respond to our personal experience. For example, if we believe that "losing our virginity" should occur within a loving and committed relationship and it doesn't, we're going to feel badly about that. We might feel ashamed of our own actions and try to find a means of assigning blame so that we can assume a position of powerlessness, a way to assure ourselves that the events that unfolded were not "our fault" or that "we had no control". This is a means of self-delusion that may have some purpose in self-soothing for a time, but they are ultimately harmful if we stay in that place.

In order to be "empowered" you must be willing to recognize where you do have power. We all have the power to make choices. We all have the power to say 'no' or 'not right now' or 'I'm not sure.' We all have the power to ask ourselves, what do I need or want? We all have the power to contribute to creating situations in which we can have our needs and wants met. To be sure, there are times when in spite of having those powers, others may disregard or overpower what we say and do on our own behalf but even then, we still have the power to choose how we will respond.

angel87 -- it sounds to me as if your first attempt at sexual intimacy did not go the way you might have preferred it to go. Does this mean you're a victim? Not in my books. It means that you have the opportunity to recognize that there are things you want and things you don't want. Congratulations -- you learned some very important things about yourself. May your next sexual experience be closer to meeting your needs, as you identify them to be.

[_Hope_]

you can totally blame him for taking advantage you .you said the 2 of you knew each other for 3 years. He should have know by your behaviour over the last 3 years what you choice was on sex. the fact that he waited until you were in a comprimised state to pursue sex with you makes him a bad guy. Please don't make any excuses for him. If a so called friend intentionally takes advantage of you he is just not a friend.
I personally have had a bad experience going to the police about being raped. I had very good luck talking with someone from a rape hotline.
The things you are thinking and feeling right now probably don't make a lot of sense right now. You are probalby very confused. Someone who has had training on this subject is the place to go.
p.s. did you know it is perfectly legal to rape you wife in TN as long you don't use a weapon, even when you send her into premature labor

[angel87]

Please know that I did not post here to trivialize anything that any of you have gone through or trigger any past event. I apologise if Idid. That was not my intent. What happend to me was ambiguous. I know that. And my heart and prayers go out to the true victems of assault and rape. I was questiong what happened to me and trying to figure it out. I apologize if my posts were taken otherwise.

[Peanuts]

What happened to you was upsetting for you and you are deserving of support regardless. Your ache does not take away from anyone else's ache. It is not a contest to compare who was more violated and whether that violation fit the legal description of rape or not.

I hope you keep your app't on Tuesday and take the opportunity to speak with a counselor about what happened so that you can feel healing comfort.

This event meant something to you and it caused you distress. You have the right to take care of yourself in this matter.

For what it is worth - I feel that this man did betray your trust. Trust is a precious gift that once lost is not easily regained.

But most important, I hope that you keep your app't and talk with someone who is skilled at helping you. You deserve to cared for. There will always be others who have suffered more than you just as there will always be other who suffer less. Where you fall on that spectrum of suffering does not matter. You have the opportunity to meet with someone and I hope that you take that opportunity.

Meet with this person and then decide from there. You deserve to take care of yourself.

((((((((angel87)))))))))))

[angel87]

I had a rough weekend. I had to face the guy that did it at work and he asked me if I wanted to party with him. I said no and called my friend and asked him to walk me home. Before that I saw the guy who had abused me freshman year. He stayed and talked to me for 20 minutes. He wanted to know why I didn't call him or hang out with him any more. After my friend walked me home we went to McDonalds and I had 3 combo meals. Back at home I really wanted to purge, but my house mates were home so I couldn't. I just sat in the bathroom and cried. After I pulled myself together a bit I called the friend that I told about the incident. He talked to me for a good 2 hours.

This is really hard for me to say, but I think that I was sexualy assaulted. I went through a lot of denail and self hate over the weekend, but I think that's what happened. Saying that is so hard. I'm afraid of how this is going to change my life now that i said it. I don't want to be different. I want to be the same.

By denying that it happened I didn't have to feel. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid that if I let it out it will define me. I want to stay numb, but I can't.

I HATE HAVING TO SEE HIM ALL THE TIME! I HATE THAT HE STILL WANT'S TO PARTY WITH ME! I HATE THAT I AM EXPECTED TO TREAT HIM THE SAME AND SMILE AT HIM! I HATE NOT BEING THE SAME AS I WAS!!!!!

i just want to go back...i'm sorry I just feel so lost right now.

[angel87]

I'm sorry for being so wishy washy.

[Peanuts]

No appologies needed - just hang in there. Tuesday is around the corner and you will have the opportunity to speak with a counselor.

I am sorry you have to see this person at work. Any chance you can change your schedule.

Perhaps one of the goals that the counselor can help with is how to handle your responses to this person while at work.

I don't think you have to smile and be nice to this person. I think you have every right to tell this person you do not wish to speak with him and to leave you alone. You just have to find the words to say that and I think that a counselor will help you.

Best of luck,
peanuts

[angel87]

Everytime you feel like you're doing better something happens. It doesn't have to be related to the incident. Anything that is a dent in your life gets blown up and expanded. I was doing so well. On Wednesday I woke up soo happy. For no reason was just so happy and it felt amazing. I remember feeling like I hadn't felt that way in a very long time even though i kept telling myself that I was over it.

There is a guy who likes me, and he kissed me last week. I started to have flashbacks, but i was ok. And we still talk and everything. To make a long story short he's an amazing guy. He's just really shy. And I do like him, but it's too soon. I can't fully trust him. It's only been 2mts since the incident and guys are just so scary. I don't feel safe.

I hate this! I was such a self sufficent person. I'm a supervisor at both of my jobs, I'm an RA, I'm a peer advocate. I was confident. I was strong. It's like what he did to me burst a bubble or something broke in me. I feel broken and dirty. I can't make decisions anymore. Everything seems so weird and scary. I'm not self sufficient. I'm not strong and confident anymore I'm weak.

I hate what I've become. Part of me is like get over it. Let it go! But I see him all the time and I hate that. I hate that he has power over me. Why can't I be strong like I used to. Something inside of me is broken. I can't get that back. It's gone. All of my friends are guys. I can't trust them anymore. I feel so alone.

Even the guy I like. I can't be comfortable with him. Why can't I just get over it! When he said he liked me, I asked him why? Why would he want to be with someone who is so broken w/so many issues. I feel like he just wants me b/c he thinks i'm easy and a sl*t. I can't believe that someone would really like me

I hate that I can't trust myself anymore. I can't trust my mind or my memory. And I try and act strong bc I can't tell anyone. No one would believe me. They'd think it was my fault. So I put on a strong face and try and act like I'm ok, but i guess I'm not. I want to beleive it. I just want to be better. I just sit there at night and think about what happened and how I'm different. Everything is different now. And I just sit and cry, for hours. I can't sleep. And I'm afraid to turn the lights out now

I hate what I've become. I want to have faith and believe that I will change and get better, but I'm just getting worse. I don't have the hope that I can be anything and change the world. It's a lie. I can't. It's so overwhelming. And the dumb part is i can't blame him. In my head I know what happened to me, but I can't admit it in my heart. I blame myslef. I drank willingly, I went to his room and I NEVER SAID NO!!! How can I claim to be a strong self sufficent woman when I couldn't even verbalize what i wanted. I was too weak to say no and I HATE MYSELF FOR IT!