[NicoleB]

The memories are chocking me, I feel like I can't breathe. I have tried writing them down, that helped a little. I just am so scared, I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad to remember. I hate myself right now so much. I hate others too, but mostly me. It was all my fault, I ask for it. It's all my fault. I should have done something, but I didn't I just took it. I hated it so much. I just wish the memories would go away. I am afraid to sleep. I am afraid of the nightmares. I can;t even turn out the lights. I don't sleep hardly at all anymore, I am so tired. I can't close my eyes. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. I hate me and I hate my life. I feel like I am a worthless piece of crap. I am just in so much pain right now and I don't know how to define the emotions. Theyare just there. I hate me. I can't believe I allowed all this to happen. It is all my fault. I am so confused and scared. I don't know what to do.

[Rapunzel]

Oh Nicole,

I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. It was not your fault! You were a little girl, and there wasn't a way for you to stop it. You were scared, and you dealt with it as well as you could. You are so strong to have survived what you have.

It was not your fault. But it was a long time ago. It will never happen to you again. You are not a little girl anymore, and you are in control now. You can protect yourself now and not let bad things happen to you anymore.

You're a good person. You didn't deserve any of the bad things that happened to you. If you need to talk about it more, you are welcome to write to me. I really want you to be ok, and to know that you are a good person, and you are not to blame.
Wendy

[mj14]

Nicole,

I'm so sorry you're going through such pain. But it is not your fault. You never asked to be hurt, and you deserve to be nurtured and loved.

I know how scary it is to bring up all this stuff that was hidden for so long, but it won't be scary forever. Remembering helps take away their power over you. I do hope that soon you can see that these memories are lying to you when they tell you that you asked for it, or that you are worthless. You deserve to love yourself, but until you can see that, keep talking to us and to your T, and we will give you as much love as we can.

You are a precious soul, and you do not deserve this pain.

{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}

Much love to you,
mj

Nicole - I'm glad we met last night. I'm so sorry you are going through so much now. Sweetie, you were just a child when those awful things happen. Think of some small child you know now. How could a little girl protect herself? You weren't at fault. You were just a little girl with a fragile heart.

Now you are grown, and we'll help you heal. We'll hold you in our hearts until yours is strong again.

Here's my philosophy....some of us didn't have the best mom's, or the most available ones. And some of us simply need more mothering right now. I think inside each of us is an internal mother who is there to take care of us. You know how people talk about an inner child? Well we need an inner mom too. She can protect us and nurture us. Some of need to listen to her too. I know I do. So listen for that voice too. Your internal mom is strong for you, and is that voice that says this place is safe or not. She is warmth, and female strength and power. She kicks butt!

Hold onto her, and hold onto us. You are stronger than you know. Believe me! Have I ever lied to you??

Big warm safe hugs, emmy

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Nicole --

An abused child is never, ever at fault. Ever!

Never, ever asks for it. Never!

The abuser is one of the sickest members of society. Do you know that in prison child predators are outcasts who are severely abused by the other inmates? The crime of child abuse is considered lower than murder by people who are being punished by society for having done awful things themselves.

I hope that you will find a therapist who can talk with you. If writing hasn't helped, the sane responses of a therapist will help you unburden yourself. Sometimes we need to tell our story over and over again, until the hold it has on us is all used up. Just like some days, we have so much energy, we have to work or exercise or do something until it is all used up.

If your abuser told you that you "asked" for it, don't believe it. The abuser is very sick and exploited a child who couldn't defend herself. Not in words and not physically. The abuser wants you to be responsible for the abuser's own terrible crime and inner demons and sickness. Don't you do it! Only the abuser is responsible for what he (or she, I don't know your backstory) did.

Not getting any sleep contributes to distorted thinking. People who are sleep deprived can even hallucinate and see things that are not there.

Dear Nicole, your friends in the forums understand how much you are hurting right now and care very much. Please keep sharing and know that we love you. Hugs, and much peace and blessings.

(((((((((NicoleB)))))))))))

[NicoleB]

Wendy,
Thank you. I hear what you are saying , but I don't feel it. I don't feel in control. There are too many parts that want control, I don't have control. They do. I can't stop them and what they do. I don't even always know what they do if someone doesn't tell me. When I was writing down the memories someone else took over and later when I read what she had wrote, I just can't believe it. How could anyone do the things she talked about? I mean, how could they?I don't even want to believe what she wrote. I mean it is just to horrible to even think about.

Nicoel

[NicoleB]

Mj and Ozzie and Justy and emmy and wants2fly,
Thank you for your kind words. I called my T on Wednesday and today is Friday and I still haven't heard from her. I wish she would call me back. She is going to be gone next week and so I won't be able to talk to her and I really do need to.
Nicole

[itsjustme111]

What came to mind reading everything here is; how true. I think all of these perpectives are so real. And it's good to hear this from everyone.

Its okay to not feel this or see it right now. It takes soo much time to heal. I love the word "patience". We need to be more patient with ourselves.

When you say looking back and reading what you wrote you can't belive what was on that paper. Its a step forward to write and then look at it later. I think it can help recongize these feelings. I do think you are on your way to doing what's best for Nicole. Journaling is amazing, a good tool to get some of this hurt and pain out. May I ask, "can you show this to your t?" It could be a useful tool. When we are in the "writing mood", its truly amazing what comes tummbling out. Its the things we want to scream out loud, and by writing this, well its such a great start.

You are such a strong person. You have been traumatic experiences, its not fair. But there is a bright future ahead for you. Time is the key here.

You said your t is gone all next week? Can you keep phoning or leave a message that you really need to speak with her. Is there anyone else maybe she could have for you in place while she is gone? Which is not easy to talk to someone that you may not be at ease to discuss all of this. But even to help you get through this next week. Its a suggestion.

We are here for you. We may not have the answers, but support is always here for you.

Okay, I will shut up now; lolol.

Hang in there, and keep in mind, it takes a strong person to be able to talk about these issues. Be proud of yourself, your not running away or hiding from this. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! Keep fighting.

Justy

[NicoleB]

Justy,
I have called my T several times and she just hasn't gotten back to me, infact I just tried again about 5 minutes ago. As far as showing what I wrote to my T, I always do. Because like you said it gives us a place to start. Plus I tend to shut down whenever I go see her and if I let her read what I wrote she can usually get me talking. I love my T, I just wish she would call me back.
Nicole

Nicole sweetie - Your internal mother called my internal mother and said to taper the boozing.

Honeybuns, you KNOW that alcohol is a depressant, right? It truly will make everything worse. Please consider...just consider this, ok? Consider calling that AA friend and going to a meeting.

I know I'm asking a lot cuz you are going through such a rough spell, bu at least please drink lots of water, and healthy juices, and get some healthy food into you. If your internal mother keeps calling MY internal mother, I just won't get any rest at all! And I don't think you can even hear your internal mother over the loud moaning from your poor little liver!!

Repeat after me. "I will be nice to Nicole for at least 30 minutes today." Just 30, K? We'll start small. Eating well is important to healing your body and your heart. So, say it outloud..."I will be nice to Nicole for at least 30 minutes today." Louder!

Big hugs to you! emmy

I wanted to explain something I posted to you. I wrote about the theory about internal mothers, ya know? But I forgot that you have DID.....silly me. (I've been a litte out of it lately!!) I wanted to be sure that I didn't confuse you. I wasn't talking about alters...I was just talking like non-DID people do about their idea of an inner child. Do you get the difference?

I'm soooo sorry if that confused you. I don't mean to make things even more confused inside! Just hoping to help you tap into some inner strength.

I seem to have found some of my own inner dunce-ness!!

emmy

[ktp]

Nicole:

I do so hope that your T called you back. You did not deserve anything that you got, I understand this now. Been there, done that. A child is never at fault, they are innocent. We don't ask for that kind of treatment and we don't deserve it. We deserve love, nurturing and encouragement.

That's what I'd like to give you now, support. Please come back here and discuss your issues if you can't get to your T before next week.

I'm going to send soothing thoughts to you all....

Wishing you peace,
((((Hugs))))if you want them.
Kimberly.

[NicoleB]

(((((Emmy))))))) if you want them.
Don't worry about it. It is okay. I understood what you were saying.

(((((((((((((Kimberly))))))))))
My T still hasn't called back and will be gone next week. So if I don't get her today I have to wait 2 weeks.

Anyway, thanks everybody.
Nicole

[itsjustme111]

HMMMM, wish your t would have called. Its good to have this relationship with her. Is there anyone at all you can get a hold of that could help you in anyway while she is gone?? I am sure you have racked your brain already, its just the urgency we hear from you to me is a cry for help.

May I ask, are you feeling safe, within yourself?? With the alcohol concerns, I do feel that you may need more of a safer place to be in. I don't want to say that in a negative way, and don't wish to offend you at all. I can appreciate where you are at with the alcohol but its going to make it so much worse. And we know you realize this.

I am not trying to come across at lecturing, believe me when I say this is not my intention. I have struggled with alcohol in the past and understand the reasons why. But I am worried about both your emotional health as well as the physical.

Its good to see you posting here, I so want you to see how important you are. By talking with your t and here, its a sign that you want to work through this. Thats great.

Please Nicole (I love that name), if you are not safe or feel that a little extra help could be useful, then go where you may need to. Its not a negative thing at all. With your t gone, please consider that there are others that will assist you until she gets back.

Okay, I sound like my t; lolol. No really, this is just what I think. I have said before, take what you need, and leave the rest. I do like the part about; being good to Nicole for even a half and hour. One step at a time.

We are here for you my dear,

Justy

[Wants2Fly]

I am an alcoholic who has been in recovery for many years. It can be very difficult to (a) come to grips with the idea that alcoholic is not our friend. It starts out being that way, but in the end, in makes the pain worse. It is indeed a depressant. (b) give it up in the midst of another crisis. Given that your T is out of town for the next 2 weeks, it may be a good time to explore AA and avail yourself of the love and comfort in those rooms.

You can get telephone numbers and start to build relationships with other suffering alcohol abusers, and this may help you through the next few weeks while your T is gone.

Go to more than one meeting. Meetings has personalities, like people, and that personality may even be different from meeting to meeting, depending on who's there. For the hour you are at the meeting, you will be safe from alcohol, even if you drink later.

Just a thought.

[Rapunzel]

Nicole,

Hang in there, sweetie. You are loved and cared about. If you need to write to me, that's fine, but I thought I would let you know that I work very long days on weekends, so it will be night before I can check the computer. Just so you know I'm not going to ignore you, but may not be able to respond right away.

Take Care! You are a wonderful person and you deserve good things. You don't deserve to be hurt anymore.

Wendy

[NicoleB]

Well, my T never called back. Most of my friends are gone for the weekend, but not all. I have a few I can call if I really need too.
As far as getting more help, if you mean a hospital. I guarantee that is not going to happen. I will not go that route.

[NicoleB]

Hey wants2fly,

I went to a meeting last night. I was sober in AA for 3 years before I decided I wanted to drink again. I know what I have to do. I got a few numbers (only the women) and I called one of them. We hung out for a while, that helped a lot. So thanks for reminding me what to do.

[Maya]

I understand your fear and how worthless your experience makes you feel. I, too, was sexually abused as a child and had no memory of it until I was writing in my journal for my T. We have talked about it some - some weeks I just don't feel up to talking about it - it is too difficult to discuss. But, you will get better. And everything everyone says is true - it was not your fault. I thought it was mine, too, because I did not say no or try to stop it. Little kids don't know how to tell older people no - so, try to sleep - sleep is your friend. The nightmares are ways of releasing the memories so you can recover. Hang in there - I know how hard it is!

[Wants2Fly]

Well, I feel silly for presenting very basic info about something you already knew! Of course, I didn't know your backstory. Thanks for not being offended, or interpreting the post as "talking down" to you. I'm glad you found something to help while your T is away.

Are you sure that you want to stay with a therapist who is so unavailable?

Hey, I'm REALLY glad you went to a meeting and got some phone numbers. That's really a big step. Just getting started on the path - excellent. All the hard work is sooooo much easier sober. It ain't easy, just easier! I'm really glad you reached out for some help hon. Good for you. Keep taking those steps.

Take care. emmy

[itsjustme111]

Good job!!! Glad you could reach out. Its good to have others around you that know exactally what you are going through.

I was suggesting hospital only for the reason of your t gone and you just did not sound safe. I am sorry if I offended you, I just want you to be safe.

Keep phoning these people that are helpful for you. Alcohol is an ugly thing. Please try to stay away from it or even cut down. Like I say, small steps. And you are taking them. You have much to be proud of.

Hang in with us,

Thinking of you
Justy

[itsjustme111]

Just wanted to ask how you are today. Hope you are doing alright.

Please keep us updated. Been thinking of you sweetie.

Justy

[NicoleB]

Sorry, got real busy. I haven't had a chance to even look at the computer. Thank you all for your care and concern. I am doing much better know. I haven't drank in 7 days and I haven't si in 6 days.
Nicole

WooHOOO!!!! That's amazing!! You are really working hard at this! Wowsa. I'm so glad you to hear you are doing better! Keep taking care of yourself hon. You are precious.

emmy