[wisewoman]

I am here. I have lived through things that people dare not speak of. I have lived because I felt an understanding and love from my dear friend who helped me feel like it was okay to be alive. She told me that my aliveness was beautiful. She is gone now and I have no connection and I wonder how real our connection ever was? Where is she? Why is this so hard? She gave me gifts that changed me but what if it was a lie? What if she was just trying to be kind? I want to speak with her and my grandmother so much right now. I know I am sounding quite crazy, whatever that means. I felt loved by Jane. I felt that I was important. I am confused.

[SweetCrusader]

WW, what makes you think it was a lie?

Your connection was real, and you are still connected just as you were. It's just harder to sense now because it isn't directly visible to you.

Jane goes on, and she will forever. And she is still your dear, sweet friend, who loves you very much. Take it from someone who has learned the same lesson in the loss of a very dear friend recently, too.

*hugs* if you want them

Angela

[h0kie]

Talk to them then. I know it won't be the same but you can always talk to people. I believe they're listening. Go to a cemetary and talk, or write a letter and burn it. Try doing something to get your feeling out.

Just a thought.

This poem helps me when I am missing special people I have lost.

Some people come into our lives & quickly go
Some people move our souls to dance
They awaken us to understanding
The passing whisper of their wisdom
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon
They stay in our lives for a while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never, ever the same
Anonymous

[wisewoman]

With Jane I felt valued and accepted. And now she is no longer and the people in her life are making it difficult for me to feel connected. I am a scared teenager. I really want to speak with her. Have been working on it. Guess I just won't email her again huh? iF i NEVER REALLY HAD HER THERE WITH ME THEN WJAT DOES THAT MEAN ABOUT ME NOW? i WANT TO FEEL HER love.

[SweetCrusader]

You had her. Try to hold onto your good memories. I know that hurts, but it is also healing. Write them down, and relive them. Clear your mind and go back there. You will know she was there, and she loved you.

[wisewoman]

I have been working on the speaking with her thing. Losing her makes me accutely aware of the rubbish that was my family life and how bad it was. I felt I learned something different from her. All I want to do is ask her some questions.

[wisewoman]

The past is horrible. It was as horrible as it gets. I had sunshine there with Jane, she came and loved me and somehow got me out of that box where I let no one in. She got in. She was the opposite of all that I was taught. She accepted me, whatever she was getting at the time. I got to feel a sense of connection and love. Over the years there have always been questions, certainly more as I have become older. Where do I fit in her life? How do we continue a relationship long distance when she is emerged in everything around her? We spoke of her spouse at times. Regardless, she loved him and he was a priority in her life. I feel so totally blown out of the water by his cruelty to me. I feel like I can't understand what is real about my history with Jane. It is making the bad things seem very present. The nightmares are a bit over the top. She was there but how? How real is that now? What does it mean for now? Why am I searching for family ties now that she is gone? I honestly don't feel I want family ties-yet I have been speaking with my sibs some as of late. It is very one sided as they chose to believe nothing happened, or little happened. That coupled with the fact that my female parent chose me as her special torture experiement. Jane was my first hug, Jane was my first kiss on the forehead. Jane was my friend, I thought. And I have no one who knew her to process this with. Anyway all, thanks for your caring and understanding.

[SweetCrusader]

Wisewoman,

I was just wondering if you could fill me in on what Jane's husband is doing that's mean to you. I don't think I've read about that in any of your other posts.

I can understand how broken your heart is. And I feel for you. Jane was very important- in fact, central- in your life. Try to hang on to the moments she gave you when you KNEW that she loved you. Those are real, and they remain real as long as you keep them alive inside of you.

Angela

[bethannaTN]

Hi, Wisewoman,

I am so sorry for your loss. I read your post in the Grief section, what a beautiful loving relationship you gave to each other!

My husband often questions my motives when I am kind to someone I care about. He questions their motives - and tries to convince me they are just using me, or I am babying them. His issue not mine. He doesn't trust anything or anyone easily. That doesn't make my motives wrong, or weak, it makes him afraid. Perhaps she lived with and loved the same type of man? I don't know. I do know that I cried when I read your letter "my dear Jane" - what a beautiful person. She didn't carry you in her womb for 9 months, but she gave birth to you in a much more beautiful way. Thank God. Wisewoman, there are many many times that I keep the things that I do for another between me and that person, not because I am ashamed, or because I shouldn't, or because I am insincere - my motives are most sincere - but because or friendship is intimate. It isn't something I need grand stand applause for, it's because I really cherish that friendship more than most of the world could understand - and I want to protect it, and nurture it. What I do for that person is ONLY for that person. The deserve every precious ounce of it. The proof of her honesty is the selfless acts she gave you. She didn't have to tuck you in, but she did so. She didn't have to give you that glimmer of hope and the understanding that you are so worthy of the life you have, but she did so. She gave you what she could only give if she truly believed it herself. No one can give what they do not have. In return you loved her, loved yourself, began to love the life you life, and that was something that no one could deny as precious. She passed away knowing . . .KNOWING. . .that she was truly loved by someone - YOU. What a gift.

I believe that those that we love that have passed away are never really very far away. We cannot touch them, but we can remember them and celebrate how they touched us. Even if the time was brief. We can celebrate that.

May I ask what would cause you to doubt her love for you? Was it something someone said? What lie to you feel your relationship was based on? From you letter, it sounds like her husband said something. If so, please keep in mind what I wrote concerning my husband. His fears do not make my actions insincere. They only make him afraid.

Isn't it amazing that people will say things or act in certain ways when they know the person that could clarify cannot defend themselves - or clarify their actions? It's just too safe to pass up, I think. The tabloids go nuts, books get published, always after someone known for their goodness passes away 'telling all' - who can argue? Who can prove otherwise! And there's a pay off to be made! Why can't they keep that person in the view that they have? Why do they have to go and 'prove' otherwise, at the loss of everone that loved that person?! It always strikes me as a very cowardly thing to do. . .they would never ever do so if that person were living.

The result of her actions in your life bears the truth. Regardless of how you may feel that you interpretted it, or how others interpretted it, the hope was real, the love was real, the best that she brought out in you was real. The results were real. Please please keep in mind that her actions were selfless. Nothing she did was something she had to do. Not one thing. Selfless acts speak for themselves.

(((((Wisewoman))))))
Beth

[h0kie]

Just to add to what Beth said, (and playing devil's advocate) her husband is probably extremely upset. Just like you. He lost his wife just as you lost your mother figure. I would choose to believe that he lashed out in anger because he is hurting too.

Your Jane would not want him to do that to you, but maybe he didn't know better. Sometimes, we have to forgive people's mistakes. Maybe he was trying to cover his hurt.

Does that make what he said and did right? No way.

[wisewoman]

Angela, One day and Beth, Thank you all for your support. It is the response of her spouse that has struck me down. You see, When I learned that she had died I emailed her. Silly, magical thinking, hoping it would not come back and I could believe she got it. That was from an address in my home computer. It came back and I felt at least I got to express myself and maybe she saw it somewhere in the universe. I have been having difficulty with losing her and making sense of my extended family etc. I was at work and went online at work, somthing I rarely do. There it was, her address in the contact list. So, I emailed her telling her how much I missed her and loved her and thanked her for teaching me how to love. I assumed it would come right back. However, later that night I got an angry email from her husband and I felt horribly naked and beaten. I apolgized and explained. My Hubby actually wrote him a letter in anger about his haurting me. Yes, her spouse is sad and lost and I get that. But his response has somehow helped me to get to this place of doubting and an intense desire to speak with Jane just once. Just once I want to speak with her. I am greatful that I always told her I loved her. Angela, in a letter I sent to her spouse many weeks ago I asked for something, anything of Jane's, a barret, a sock, he never responded. I have the hat she made me. I feel like I don't know the truth because there her family is allowed to grieve for her and here I am 250 miles away and no one but my hubby who knew her and can share that. My other friend whose comfort I crave right now can't come till after Jan and all I want to do is snuggle in bed with her. She is an orphan and I know she knows. Beth, she did give birth to me, our relationship was private. When she came up to where I was going to college when I had my abortion one of her daughter's was incensed that she was not available to her during a crisis. Jane had to play it carefully, always putting family first and not allowing them to feel like they had to compete. It's funny because the children even speak to this at her memorial service of which I have a tape. My head my understand more then my heart right now. But I am lost and confused.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((WiseWoman)))))))

This would hurt so much. No wonder you are lost and confused.

Do you think maybe her husband is just feeling a little possessive of her right now, and not wanting to share her with you? You know what I mean by that?

You know about my dear friend Jon that died. Well an old friend who I parted with on fairly ugly terms, but who stayed friends with Jon, she came to bring me copies of some pictures of him recently. And I felt myself being very possessive about him. It wasn't because of hard feelings between me and this old friend. I'm over those hard feelings, it's been years. It was just because I somehow felt like my position in Jon's heart was threatened by her. I don't know why or where that is coming from. I still need to explore it, and I plan to when I talk to my therapist. But it seems to be a part of my grief reaction. She is the only person I have talked to that also was close to Jon, so in a way it's been very good for me. But also it was hard for some reason. She's been able to go see his family and she even looked that the police report from the accident. She brought me pictures of the memorials set up for him (of his things, and pictures of him) from the funeral services. She brought me a program from the funeral (I was there, but I didn't get a program). It could have been a bonding experience, for us to share our hurt over Jon. And it was for a while, but I did find myself bothered. Like some of him, I didn't want to share with anyone at all. I think that's why I've had trouble posting anything about HIM. I've had trouble talking about HIM. I have only been able to say, over and over again, how much I hurt.

Anyway, I tell you all this because I wonder if those kinds of feelings are playing a role in the problems with Jane's husband maybe? He may just not be ready to process his grief with other people. He may need some private time with his grief, like I have needed. I think that for me, this will lessen in time. But I will need time to be possessive of Jon and have my private grief. Maybe it is the same for Jane's husband. Maybe he's just not ready to share "his Jane" with you, like you seem to be ready to share "your Jane."

Am I making any sense?

Angela

[bethannaTN]

Wisewoman, just a thought, thanks to Angela I found the live journal site and posted my first post. It was not a journal entry, but a letter to someone who I no longer have nor will I have contact with. For the first time, I felt like I had a voice where my need to voice to this person has been so long denied. It felt good. I bet Jane will read every single one of your letters if you consider to post either there, or even on your own saved word doc on your computer.


Beth

[wisewoman]

yes, of course it makes sense. It is entirely real that his grief is private, with his family. His reaction to my magical thinking however was just hurtful. He should have deleted it and forgotten about it, or maybe sent me an email explaining that was his address too. When my daughter died I relished anything people had to share with me about her. I wanted and still want to hear every word I can. Jane's spouse does not hold the market on grief. It is horrible that he found his dear wife dead. It is also horrible that I have lost such a special part of my life considering how void my life was of any kind of love. My husband understands and I am grateful for that. I mean he understands my loss, certainly not all that was our relationship or my grief over a hurtful, hateful family of origin. I question my own reality because I let Jane in and now I get poop from her husband and I am alone. I was not alone then so maybe I need to keep remembering the love that was undeniable. In the end, I do not have this special woman. I have many siblings with whom I only can have very limited relationships, and I have only known that unconditional love through Jane. Yes I am blessed but I can't make sense of where to go now, what it means about my life. I did want her to know my kids so they could have her and so she could have them. They are pretty cool people. My family has my husband's parents who are aged and from a different culture then mine, or our current family. I love my MIL dearly but I can't imagine crawling into bed with her and snuggling unless she were on her death bed and couldn't protest. She knows of my grief over Jane. She was sorry for me but in the end spoke about how all of their friends and relatives are dying. If you live long enough that becomes a primary theme, losing everyone you love. But I am too young for this loss. My MIL step mom died only about 9 years ago. I have no one with whom to share this loss. And eventhough I was kind and caring in my response to him, I am hurt. Angela, I understand some people need their private time with grief. We are all different. This is as serious as it gets. I want to sleep and dream the dreams of remembering her love.

[SweetCrusader]

I agree with you that her husband doesn't hold the corner of the market on grief. And even if he does need to grieve in private, it doesn't entitle him to treat you cruelly. What he did was DEFINITELY wrong, no doubt. I was just hoping that in pointing out my experience to you, you could see that his response was not necessarily about you personally- it was about him. In other words, it doesn't reflect on you, your worth, your entitlement to Jane, or your relationship with her. It's just the way that he's dealing with it. And he should not have been rude about it. That was his fault.

I wonder if you can work on separating Jane from her husband. What I mean by that is, realize that his reactions and his ideas/feelings about this are NOT representative of Jane. He only speaks for himself, not for Jane. So his cruel response doesn't influence your tie with Jane one bit. It's only coming from him, an outsider to your relationship.

Jane loved you, and she loves you still. And she probably would not approve of her husband being rude to you.

(((((((WiseWoman))))))))

[wisewoman]

Angela, great advice on separating Jane from her husband. You are right. I spoke on the phone for an hour to ,my friend who can't see me until jan. She gets itand I feel comforted. Beth, I am keeping the letters I write to Jane and will just write them for a Jane file. I will not stop speaking with her. You folks are helping me get to a place of more understanding and peace and I am grateful for that.

[SweetCrusader]

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that

(((((((WiseWoman)))))))