What Should I Do?

For years I have struggled with the tension that comes from my desire to be loved and accepted by my family, versus the reality of what happens when I do spend time with them. I find it especially difficult to attend family gatherings where many, if not all, of them are together.

My older brother was my abuser. His daughter is getting married next summer. This event is triggering lots of feelings for me. I've never been close with his family for obvious reasons. His kids give the distinct impression they don't like me. They don't know about the abuse. His wife acts the same way. She was the first, and for a long time, the only person I told about what my brother did to me. As a teenager she was being friendly with me just to quiz me about my brother, in hindsight. At the time as a young girl I felt she was someone I could trust and confide in. It was never brought up between us again.

I don't plan on attending the wedding. As the years go on I have less contact with most of my family. But I've acted like a yo - yo over the years, trying hard to make the relationships work, then after feeling rejected and demeaned, staying away for long periods.

How do I "end" the relationship with my brother and his family, if possible, on a cordial note. So if we have to see each other, at a funeral for instance, or one of my other nieces or nephews weddings, or at one of my other siblings homes, it's not akward or antagonistic? The abuser brother and his family live out of state. (Although he works and has an apartment a half hour from where I live for several years now.)

I'm really tired and angered by being treated by his family like I'm uncaring, cold or phony. And I wonder if it would make things easier for me, if I explained the situation to my other 2 younger brothers. I think they are puzzled by how I have behaved over the years. Or am I just setting myself up for a huge dose of "no understanding or support" from my 2 younger brothers? I am not especially close to either of them.

My mother knows about the abuse but we have never had a good relationship. She's been extremely emotionally abusive to me. I have almost no contact with her at all.

Maybe what I really need to do, for myself, is to end all connections to all my family?

(((((((( Pom ))))))))

Family relationships are always so difficult when things are not in a good space. I'm not particularly close with my brother and other members of my family either. It hurts my heart that my brother and I are no longer close. But, I realize that the relationship was mainly one sided, his side.

Over the years I have felt hurt and angry. For the most part I no longer feel much of anything for him. I've had to remain true to myself as I'm the one who has to live with me.

I've always been the fixer, the one to step forward and swallow my pride for the sake of family. I don't do that anymore. (except for my children for obvious reasons) Like you, I became tired of always having to be the one to try to keep the peace, the one who had to bite her tongue for the sake of "family harmony". I've always been the one to not be validated that my feelings meant anything to anyone at all but me. I don't play their game with their rules anymore. In doing so, I was loosing myself and becoming very angry.....I do not want to live my life like that.

I had to realize that no matter how badly I wanted to step away cordially but still get along at family gatherings was probably not a viable option. I also realized that if the family members could not make the effort to understand, then it was their issue, not mine and I refused to feel guilty over it. I was done wasting another moment of my life worrying that I might have stepped on someone's toes.

Of course, coming to those kinds of realizations is painful. I had to weigh the 2 pains though. Was it more difficult to bare the weight of the pain that my family consistently caused me or the pain of realization and self care? I felt at times I was beating my head against the wall every time I tried to extend myself to them. That became painful too!

I no longer care what my family thinks of me. That's not to say that I don't love them for there are many that I do. I live my life for me and my children and friends. They can live their lives for themselves and I don't have to be a part of it to feel whole.

I don't know if what I have said has helped you at all. I know it's a hard decision to make and it's one that should not be made lightly. As long as you are prepared for the outcome of whatever decision you make, then you are in the best place you can be with that decision.

Take good care Pom.....and I wish you well in your journey.


sabby

Thank you, your response has helped me. As I was writing this thread, sitting down, paying attention and putting into words feelings that have been floating around inside, that simple act started to help me focus.

Your words have added support and helped me give myself permission and be okay with separating even more with my family. Whenever a relationship that is important to me has problems I still have to remind myself that it's not always my fault.

When I am able to look objectively at all my family relationships, I see how little support, kindness, concern or love there is there for me. It has been a long, difficult, painful journey. It's hard to feel so alone - without ANY family. It's hard to "let go" of them. I do care about them but they aren't able to support and care about me the way I need them to. And yes its has caused me lots of anger through the years also, and caused me to act and treat them in ways that did not make me feel good about myself.

The less I have to do with my family, the less angry I feel and the better I feel about myself. Except when I allow guilt in, or the loneliness and pain of not having a family that's is accepting, supportive and concerned about me. Now I'm having regret that I didn't do this years ago when I felt it was the right thing to do, but kept getting pulled back in by guilt and the need to be loved by my family.

Thank you sabby for taking the time to read this and respond to me. You have helped by simply doing that. And by sharing your experience and insight you helped me even more.

Pom

I'm glad I was of some help to you!

I do understand what you are saying. I had felt that way as well, but I also realized that it wasn't that I didn't have any family, I just didn't have the family "I" wanted or needed.

Oh, please don't ever regret that you tried to do the best you could do, even if it was against your gut instinct. It seems that very often, even if we "know" we need to back away, our heart overrides our head. We can't possibly make a healthy decision without getting both our hearts and heads to come together.

It's like when I knew for years that I should have divorced my husband, but I didn't. My heart kept saying, there is more to try, there is more to do, there is still a chance things could turn around. My head was sure I should beat feet.....but I couldn't because there was still hope. Once the hope was dashed completely, that is when the heart finally heard the head and agreed to the inevitable. But I don't feel guilty or kick myself for waiting so long. I learned so much from the experience.....and I think that is very important!

Good luck with everything Pom......even though we can't pick our families...at least we can pick our friends


sabby

Pom,
I don't think I could say it any better than sabby has already...

Jme, but detaching from my family was the best gift I gave to myself. In doing so, I allowed self esteem in and the guilt out.
Good trade, I believe.

My family was toxic to me from the day I was born...I thought for a very long time that it was my "lot" in life to be abused and used.
It took years before I understood the truth and faced it.
Was it easy? No.
Worth it? Yes.

There are times when I grieve over it, but those times are few and far between the peace and freedom I now have.
Freedom from constantly trying to please them, justify my existence, and being a dump for all their garbage.

Cap

Thanks Cap

The guilt and grief is overwhelming at times. It has been getting better over the years, especially regarding my mother and abuser brother & his family. I'm beginning to see that while my 2 younger brothers weren't as dramatically toxic to me, they are simply not there for me and have enough of their own emotional scars to deal with. "Freedom from constantly trying to please them, justify my existence, and being a dump for all their garbage." That about sums it up for me too, Capp.

I'm feeling very angry that my brother gets his kodak moment with his daughter, at her wedding with all the family around. While my own daughter, thanks either to their interference or total neglect, blames me for god knows what and has not spoken to me in 6 years.

But she has grown up to be very much like them and her father. Her father basically kidnapped her when she 9 years old. My family has been more help and support to him than they ever have been to me. I need to keep reminding myself she is no longer the little girl who loved me so totally, who would beg me to not send her to her father's for visits - he was too preoccupied with his gambling and/or constant work to pay attention to her. She always wanted to stay home and "play with mom and her friends." My heart is still breaking over her loss.

Life is not fair and it really sucks.

((((((((((((((((((( Pom ))))))))))))))))))


sabby

((Pom))

Life stinks at times, for sure, my friend!

Pom, I am so sorry that your daughter has emotionally moved away from you. It's hard enough when you lose a child from an accident or illness, but I believe it's a different and very deep grief to be going through this type of loss.

I have no words of wisdom to offer you, and I'm so sorry for not being able to comfort you.
My respect for your determination to find some measure of peace is solid...

My son went through a spell of having no contact with me nor would he allow me to see the grandkids. Not even pictures.
I'll never know what made him gradually allow me back into his life...
At one point, I wrote him, was surprised he didn't return it, and told him it hurt but I would honor his decision. I did ask that he not involve my SO/their grandfather as he was not part of our problems.
He welcomed him very slowly by short visits only.

It's not the same as what you are going through, Pom. I wanted to share that I was walking through the same hell for a very long time.

Peace, my friend, peace
Cap

Pom

You have beared such painful history with your family ~ it's heartbreaking ! While I have experience with my dysfunctional family and pain, I cannot imagine why your family has been so cruel to you.

I wish that we could help you through the process of letting go and stepping back. It isn't easy ~ many of us here understand that struggle. You will certainly be in my thoughts!


Shez

Very well said! It is a hard decision to make. I made it many years ago. I also raised my daughter to believe that 'family' does not necessarily mean 'blood'. In our lives, we chose our family carefully from the special people that came into our lives to stay. The ones who truely love and support you thru good and bad, no matter what.

You are so lucky you raised your daughter to know that family are people who love and support you, whether blood related or not.

I was too sick, too depressed, too lacking in self esteem, too vulnerable, too naive and too afraid of my own anger to raise my only child that way - many years ago now. I regret that so much. I taught her to love her grandmother, who was abusive to me and a very bad example to her. Her grandmother was more supportive of my daughter's father, he made my life hell and constantly threatened me with a custody battle, even after the divorce was over. I taught her to love him too. I taught her to love sick, emotionally cold, neglectful and abusive people. I regret that the most.

Her grandmother, my mother, would talk about me in a negative way when they were together. (So did her father's mother.) She would quiz her about every aspect of our lives, she was totally invasive and intrusive. Eventually she supported and helped my child's father when he essentially kidnapped her from me. By that time I was so depressed and without resources that I did not have the capacity to fight him. And since then she has been brain washed to think that is was HER decision, at 9 years old, to leave me because I was such a horrible mother.

I tried reconnecting with her in her teens - for some reason her father started letting me talk to her on the phone - but always felt I was walking on eggshells and never could be myself. I could never be the mother I wanted to be to her. One day 6 years ago she broke off all contact with me. I have no reason why, I tried many times, many ways to contact her, asked her to come to counseling with me. Never got a response.

Hey Pomegranate! Peter here i'm new around here but what u said here really resonated with me. while i understand that this sux really bad for u i think u need to put things back in perspective and realize that family is overrated... especially a hurtful one like yours! sometimes its best to just forget and move on.... focus on a hobby or your money... whatever makes u happy because its obviously not them. life is always unfair at times. and besides a "kodak moment" is just a clever advertising campaign to get people to buy cameras! ....... I am curious tho about one thing.... does your family know what your brother did to u?

Hi Peter,

Welcome to Psych Central. And thank you for your support.

My mother and my brother's wife know. I told her when I was a young girl and she was a teenager with a crush on my brother, and pretended to be interested in me to quiz me about my brother.

As far as I know my 2 younger siblings do not know. Their response would most likely be like my mother. She tried to quiz me about specific details - I was NOT going there. My mother has always been out of bounds in matters of sex, even incest between her daughter and son. But mostly her attitude was one of "no big deal." I got the feeling she thought I was "probably exaggerating again." Nothing changed. She had always been neglectful and emotionally abusive to me, a few times even physical abuse. My younger siblings would most likely offer words of disbelief and then, maybe, weak support. And then things would go on as usual. They would not "get it." I'd be expected to deal with it on my own and not make waves, not make anyone else uncomfortable. Especially now as it has been many years ago.

(((((Pom))))))

I understand your regrets very well . Try not to blame yourself. I truly hope that you are able to renew your relationship with your daughter someday. You do deserve it ~ you really do!

Shez

I moved away from my family when I was 19 because of my stepdads abuse...noone knew what happened they just judged me by my bad behavior which I chose to do to deal with the pain. I have told them since then what happened ,my mom divorced him thank God. But I still feel like I'm not a part of the family. I feel rejected and inferior. I still live pretty far away and try to visit once a year or so but it just hurts. They are my family and I love them.

Hi littlelori,

I'm sorry for the pain your family causes you. I've felt the same way. I've wanted to so much for our family to heal and become friendly and supportive. Two of my siblings are in AA and three of us have all been in counseling for various things. I kept hoping we'd all "get better" and eventually be able to be loving and supportive to each other. But that has not happened.

I found/find myself having to choose between spending time with them and feeling neglected, invalidated and sometimes out right abused. Or I could stay away and feel hurt and angry as they spent time together and seemed to get along fine.

Over the years I have gone more and more with just not spending time with them, it's less painful and I feel better about myself the less time I spend around them. So I'm still grieving the loss of the illusion of "my family." I say illusion because family implies positive feelings of love, support, understanding and concern, at least to me. I've never gotten that. So it's the loss of a dream I really feel sad about ending. Reality is I will never fit in or be accepted in my family. I would have to deny too much of me, of who I am, to ever fit in with them. I'm no longer willing to do that.

But yes, they are my family and I care about them. I don't wish them ill nor am I consumed by resentment towards them. They are sick people like me. But for me to stay well and get better I need to stay away from them.

Dear Pom,

First, I want to tell you what a bright star you are when i read you here... so supportive and helpful, smart and caring!

You truly have everything you need inside of you to continue in this life without toxic people around you and yours.

I understand leaving family behind too, for different reasons, but the pain is the same, isn't it<>

Your brother is making a web of lies so that he can survive what he has done to you, and has his family distanced from you so they do not ever find out... that's okay, let them go. Leave them as they are.

If you see them, a brief 'hi', and 'good luck' is really all that's necessary.

I have suffered some abuse under younger, less educated, more street-wise siblings with street values, as I left home at an early age and continued to learn, and work, and move forward.

I am sad, at moments, that we haven't a reciprocated love connection, in my case, the rivalry, jealousy, and little to none availability of our parents as we began life... had much to much to do with it.

When I stuck my neck out, everytime... everytime, I got hurt.
Even both my grandparents said... stay away from that family, they are jealous, even hostile people, and will destroy you!

I asked for people to help us, and that brought me scorn. I asked my grandparents to interceed, and they were lied to (but knew it) and frozen out for years on end.

Some things are just the way they are. And better left alone.

Toxic families with dark secrets can become very uptight and closed minded, because rarely will most of the family surface for help, as their poison runs deep. That's what I believe, sadly.

~~~~ Now for the good news ~~~~~

With all the fantastic things about you... and all the wonderful qualities you have and the inner strength you posess, I would hope you keep moving forward, and as likable as you are, you can create an extended family to share occasions with ~ whether special, happy, or sad.

It might be good, if funerals arrive, to bring a close friend or a few with you... this way, you do not have to take in the negativity. Bring your own posse along!

And you don't have to go if you do not want to.

I gave myself permission to self-protect. It costs somewhat, but in comparison to not dis-engaging, I so am the winner today! In every way!!!

I hope you embrace the same security from within yourself as I learned to do, and not fear them again, or the bad feelings... have a celebration and let them go!

You are too precious, too valuable... too beautiful!

Remember this... and you will not allow disrespect for the useless means it's used for towards you ever again.

Stay bright ~

Be well, Dear Pom

Your Friend,
Nightbird
xoxo

Thank you nightbird for the support and kind words . I was doing fairly well with all this, except for coming to terms with the loss of my daughter, until my niece's wedding came up. It kind of slammed me with a load of feelings and thoughts I didn't see coming. Posting and reading here, and hearing from all of you, all the support and kindness I get, is helping very much. Thank you again.

Hi Pomegranate! We do have to accept things the way they are and not how we wish they were. I do not have the birth family that I wish that I had and I have come to accept that. We are distant. What I did was build up a life very seperate from them. I now have my own little wonderful family and I guess I try to build "family" all the time! Someone told me this once. She said that people who did not have a good family frequently keep trying to build new families. Yes, I am guilty of this! I try to build families everywhere! My neighborhood, my child's school, my community, and here...........

Thank you all for being so honest about your family experiences. I am in the same boat and it is very conflicting and I feel guilty much of the time. But on the other hand, I know that I have to take care of myself first and beign involved with them means being abused, mocked, and made to feel as if I feel I am better than them when that is not the case. I care what they think , but I try as best I can to put that to the back of my mind. I remember many times when my sisters have tried to fight me for nothing, many times when they have fought themselves at family gathers, there was always drama and I simply got tired of it at each and every gathering so I stopped attending. What a relief to not have to put up with such nonsense.

On the other hand, they have made fun of my illness and say that I can't cope. Their wish is to keep me down, but I am trying to improve my life day by day! Because of the decisions that I made in my life prior to becoming ill, I am still better off than they are...ultimately... I do my best to help then when I can, but that goes unrecognized and unappreciated! They tend to only remember where I live when they need money or something like that, otherwise, I NEVER SEE OR HEAR FROM THEM! I strongly believe in karma, and believe that we reap what we sow! Everything that goes around, comes back around at some point in our lives...and it will!

Best Wishes,

TJ