Too much stuff

i got too much stuff. Hard to concentrate. Parts are having a talk all at once thing. Feelings are little and "talking" is stuck.

***TRIGGERS***

Mom issues. have no mom. had two. both hard. confusing. mom grew up with i thought was safe one. but i wrong. she acted like she didn't know stuff but did. she said i didn't have abortion but she the one who took me. My baby! She say dad and brother not around when i say orally raped. LIES! She disowned me. no one told me when she died and i'm not in obituary as daughter. wrote me out of will. big bad brother executor...weird word. executor of will...spelled same as executor killer? He was a killer. They killed. looking up. oh no, that executioner. silly to write this way but in my head this way. He sent me $1 check from will. Know what? i donated it to the sexual assault center and they put him on their mailing list! HAHAHA

Other mom gave me up and said never regretted it. Why she have to say that to me? now she's marrying other dad?? Oprah! How to go to ritual ceremony when ritually abused by other "family"? They my real parents even if they don't know how to be. (type type erase erase) Why God? Why? No religion talk or quote of bible! Don't!

snap out of it. talk normal. stuck

who cares?

get over it

little comes here...sees other little ones and thinks in little

not as crazy as you think!

You know what e.s. is you know all i know. Felt it in a dream once. Saw devices. Tell me if you know please.

ok, too much stuff sorry. sigh...is it ok?

i know it's heavy...but i'm feeling unheard...hard to express to begin with but did and feeling like maybe there isn't a place for me here cuz my stuff's too much...trying to honor myself here but maybe i'm impatient...dunno. See views but no comments...know nothing really to say yet needing...something. i don't know what.

Will i always be this freak?

Yes, MeSo, too much stuff.....I know. It can bury you in craziness. You aren't the crazy one though. The family is.
Why do they act like this? Will that question ever be answered? It's the same for me and it is devistating.
I hear you. I think I'm in the ame place as you. I'm so sorry you hurt. I wish there were answers.
I'm sitting with you.
You are heard, honest. We all care.

You never have been the freak.....Please be kind to yourself.

Thank you SO much. i like that we can sit together. i feel for you too. Please be sure to take care of yourself. i understand caring for others despite our own pain but want you to care for yourself more than me. Thank you though. i needed it. Just woke up from a bad dream and it was nice to see you. Hugs back.

((((((((((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))))))))))

beads hear your pain.
beads lissen
beads care about you and how much you are hurting. we get it.we have been there.............similar circumstances with ritual abuse by family members and other abuse too.,..........real mom took off when we was nine never seen her again...............found out that dad died from the social security office telling us we would be reeiving survivors benefits.....we unnerstands how the pain dont never seem to go away no matter what do or say or whatever..........an it does hurteds so bad............MeSo we will walk with you, every step of the way cuz we know what it is to hurt an so we our heart go out to others who are hurting.............beads would Not hurt another person on purpose for anyone reason becasue we also know what it is like to have someone even those that have called themselves freind and be exactly the opposite of that when our back is turned
so anyway beads ended up in forster care system when her was 12 years old adn that was not much of an imprp0vement.kinda went from the frying pan into the fire ya know.we does not trust very much bvecause others can be soooooo fickle sorry for rambling on MeSo we will offer you any support and encouragement that we can.

Thank you beads so very much. Tears, touched. So sorry for your pain too. So sorry for all our pain. Thank you thank you thank you.



i don't know all my parts yet. It's neat to see people who have found their names and/or know how many. i wish i could know. i try to think and it gets too jumbled. Some excited to be known, some maybe trying to hide. i started reading a book--Got Parts?--and felt chest pull like oooo ty for reading, we're here we're here but also lots of jumbling so could only read a few lines at a time. Reread. Chest pull feeling is truth i feel.

Part of me needs to get things EXACTLY right so i get unsure when i think this or that is one part or another or when i think something happened i have to prove it to self. Don't want to be critical of them cuz i respect them and care for them but sometimes it's hard. i wish i could help them to trust me but i understand how hard that is cuz i've ignored them for so long and they think i can't handle it...and sometimes i push it all away with too many computer games, reading books, drinking, smoking, toking. i stopped smoking cigarettes though--i have a hard time with time concepts. Not lost time really but never sure how much time has passed. i think i quit smoking about 12 weeks ago plus or minus a couple weeks. i do what i can and hope they know and will help me see them.

newayz, i think we like it here lots cuz we come out. sometimes i think it's silly but i also think we are here too. Rolls eyes at self.

I just wrote a big long post and it disappeared!

(((MeSo)))
Be patient with you and yours. I always felt like a fraud because other people would know the names and all about their parts. I knew nothing. My T said "Be still and patient and don't push". He was right. I dreamed about a group of people one night, who al lcame to meet me. All sorts of people young and old. Some told me their names, some didn't. One little one simply held my hand and looked at my nail polish. From there I made a "family album" of who I knew and what I knew about them. Slowly, they've made themselves known to me. I rarely speak directly to hem or them to me, but I have some bit of co/consciousness. It will happen for you. Go easy on you and yours.

[quote=Calista+12;998662]I just wrote a big long post and it disappeared!

Stomps foot for you! i hate it when that happens!!!

Thank you so much for all you say and do. i do have a hard time not knowing if it's real or not and, even as i say that, clamoring inside "it is!". i dunno. The r.a. people messed with my mind so so much. Some days i wonder if i'm just psychic...if that's how i know so much about r.a. and, after a nice long repreive from doubting, i find myself back to needing to do "the puzzle" over and over again--(yeah well, you dreamed about being left in a car while dad drank but sister said happened to her all the time and nobody ever talked to me about anything or anyone in that family...yeah well you dreamed about the awful thing i've mentioned before and then a childhood best friend said you told her about it...yeah well you had an awful flashback then remembered not dissociated time brother took you to that church)...i do this ALL the time! Either it's silent in my head or it's non-stop.

It's not in the past...hate that saying. PTSD by definition, it's not in the past! ...and i know i go through it over and over and over because i can't let myself FEEL any of it. i can think it but can't handle feelings. So it goes on forever.

Anyway, adding it's the same thing about my parts. Believing but being unsure...wishing that for once and for all i could just KNOW everything!

Sorry, i started to just write thanks But i do say thanks, k.

No it is not the past cause we keep living it. It hurts! and I'm sorry you hurt.

sorry MeSo........beads have not much words to offer today
but please know that we are thinking of you

mary of beads

It's ok beads, mary of beads. You don't have to offer me any words. i'm touched you thought of me.

MeSo

btw, it not my choice...forced...do things if not, hurt others if not, i have to protect others

NOT MY CHOICE

((((((((((((((Me So)))))))))))))))))

You are doing such good work!!, whether you realize it or not.........
that last conclusion you reached, about beng forced to do stuff and needing to protect each other, well that is the nature of DID.......the disassociating starts because another alter comes out to protect you during stuff that you could\can not handle....
You ( all of you, no mattter how many there are ) definitely are NOT a freak....you are a wonderful, caring and thoughtful human being who deserves love just aas much as anyone else!...........All that has happened is NOT your fault it was you family because they did not give you the love and comfort that you deserved so much...as all of us do and so many of us ( including beads ) did and never received........
Learning about your 'others' is kinda lke a journey........be patient with yourselfs as you walk on your path....this 'journey' of healing..........
healing for beads has started with many, many tiny baby steps and yes, we often are impatient with ourselfs too wanting to 'get well' and it cant hapen 'fast enuf'...........but it will happen only as fast as we can handle and our goodest effort is good enuf.........as is yours!!!!
hoping that we did not ramble on too much.......just trying to give you some insight from our own experiences......
love and hugs,
beads
( always here for you, anytime )

Actually, i meant it literally. Abusers threatened harm to my friends and other loved ones if i didn't comply and the ab**tion was forced on me but your point is well taken and i thank you for it and your insight.

The similarities are striking really. It would make a great deal of sense if my parts were constructed echoing the actual threats experienced and my responses to them. You're very wise and warm and i thank you so much for your caring.

Agreed, it is not in the past when we keep re-living it through flashbacks and dreams and just trying to make sense of it. There is no sense to such depravity. I feel the depth of you pain, anger, confusion and how I wish you had not experienced this crap. It never should have happened to you or any of us. I don't know how to say this next part, but i want to acknowledge something you first mentioned - e.s. - I don't know what that is and no one has commented. It's okay if you don't want to say anything further, but want you to know that if you need to, want to, it's part of your story. If it would help you - because this about you here- PM me and share anything you want to. I experienced RA too and I'm strong. I can listen and be okay. I've read so much nothing triggers me and maybe I'm just numbed out, too. It's totally up to you what you share here or privately, just know that the offer is there. Be good and kind to yourself. Safe passage.

um...at war with self over telling...so many things people can't believe. Makes me sick and alone. No memory memory but knowing. Knowing even before dreaming then dreaming and feeling in dreams. KNOWING

i wish there was an SpA, SRA, RA forum. i wish a space to be able to share, recognize similarities. Stuck slowingness. validation needs

So much horror. sick silent screams. Feel off and drama sigh.

e.s. devices saw in dreams specific. long paddle to back, black plastic clamp to face, metal chair with thingy...e.s. is shocking. sorry

staring slowness shake it off, me, k will k

MeSo, I think I have figured it out. If it's too much don't force it out. I know how difficult it is to be living on the brink of revelation only to have it recede, surge again, but if it isn't safe to remember, it isn't safe to remember. I suspect something similar happened to me - body memories for years now. Please be very gentle with yourself. Sending warmth and caring.

Thank you Miri...atch, i'm not sure why i dissociated there. It's not a new memory. I felt little for a good while...couldn't break it even as "i" was in the background knowing there was something to "break". That gets so confusing to me. To act a certain way or do a certain thing even as i'm aware of it. i can think "knock it off", "quit acting" etc. but still can't stop it.

i thought i did explain it above though i only used one of the initials. i don't mean to be so cryptic with it all...**********triggers**e.s. is torture using electric shock.

Anyway, i chose to take the opportunity and that's exactly what it was...from that i glimpsed a part of me i see sometimes but am never quite sure exists (ooo insides didn't like THAT!).

You know, i sincerely hope this doesn't offend cuz i can recognize the pain of others here who are more...struggling for the right word...solidly DID with more separated selves. But sometimes i envy you. i have so much uncertainty about whether it's real because my selves are less solid, more porous (oooo look it up, that word's got oomph) this i think is both another another part speaking but she is also referencing yet another--one with a vocabulary talent that in poetry is known as "fixity"...choosing just the right word that has the right subtext to it over a synonym that doesn't hold the same degree of "fit". Not sure if that part is the same one in gradeschool that pulled a word out of her brain that was somehow correct when she didn't know she even knew the word.

Even as i recognize a lot of the time when another part shows up, because i recognize it i question their validity. i don't forget what i did yesterday completely...a reminder will usually bring it back. i have big chunks gone from periods in my life but not on a daily basis...and i have so many tiny pieces that i forget (but don't entirely lose) that sometimes i don't trust a single thing i think i remember. Time stretches, curves, or slips or something. Something might have happened yesterday but i won't be sure if it was yesterday or last week then that feeling of uncertainty might move into being uncertain if it actually happened or was it just a thought. Simple things...like i went to the store or someone said x and someone else said y...innocuous things. Sometimes my husband will tell me he told me something or we talked about something and i won't remember.

ARGH! i get the feeling i'm being somewhat contradictory. i've re-read and tried make it make more sense but feel like i can't. Anyway, sorry about going off topic but if i don't write what i'm thinking where i think it i'll lose it.

It's all okay ...whatever you text. Hey I've got an alter who loves words so much she plays with them, just rolls them around on her tongue over and over just loving the sound they make. Her name is Cynthia. she used to pop words into my head in the middle of the night - Machu Pich was a favourite. But I am also often very precise in my writing (not so much here, but I write books, as yet unpublished ... sigh) and love finding just the right word for what i want to express. Sometimes I'll write a word that feels just right, but then ask myselfd if i really know what it means . I look it up and it's exactly what i wanted to convey. A lot of times I don't even know that i k ow the word. "Fixity" - that's awesome, like it lots. Thanks for sharing that.
Yeah, I finally figured out es. Maybe that's one reason I freaked out when my doctor kept bringing up electroconvulsive therapy for my treatment resistant depression. And what you say about alters being difuse, yes, I get that. It's all hard. There are about 150 of us and new names pop up every now and then even after 12 years of therapy. The number isn't important. I only offer that up to say that I can't even keep track of who has come forward much less know their stories. I do the best I can each day and that's all any of us can do. So keep posting and we'll all keep supporting one another.

That is so cool you get it. At the same time i'm sorry you get some other things--wish you hadn't gone through what i went through.

The word thing is same as me...groovy. Giggles at your use of the word difuse/diffuse as synonym for porous. Quite appropriate in less than obvious ways.

((((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))))))))

beads meant it, literally
hugs, here anytime for you
pm us iffen you ned to

mary

Sorry if i said something unwell...was really just trying to say the ab**tion wasn't my choice.

You are very special to me--ALL of you.

((((((((((((((((((MeSo))))))))))))))))))

it's okay freind.............
still here for you,
sending some peaceful, soothing thoghts your way,

mary