[Pomegranate]

My brother who sexually abused me as a young girl called me last night to wish me a Happy Birthday (TODAY is my birthday.) I didn't answer that phone and he left a short message. He didn't even know what day my BD is, he thought he was late in phoning.

He very rarely has remembered my birthday through the years. I most often do not hear from him.

As I've posted previously, his daughter is getting married this summer and it has stirred up a lot of uncomfortable feelings in me. I do not plan on attending the wedding.

I have most often been slowly separating myself from my family of origin over many years now. After listening to his message last night I just felt like, Enough! His family is obvious in their dislike for me - for what reasons I don't know, as far as my niece & nephews go, because they don't know about the sexual abuse.

I'm very much feeling like I need to write my brother and just say let's stop the pretense and any contact.

Should I do this? If so what should I say? Go into detail or keep it short and sweet?

[Capp]

((Pom))

Jmo,
Write him--short and sweet and right to the point--
then
deep breathe, relax, and know that you have done the best thing for you.

Ya know, of course, that
it's all right to put yourself first?
Take care of you?
Love yourself?
Rock the boat so you have a measure of peace?

FOOs are the biggest source of most of our problems.
FOO=Family Of Origin
We do not have to let them live rent free in our heads or our hearts...

Peace to you, my friend
Cap

[sabby]

First of all - HAPPY BIRTHDAY POM!!!!!!!!

Now, onto your question. I guess the kind of letter you send to him all depends on what you feel you must say.

If you feel comfy keeping it short and to the point without going into detail (as obviously he knows what he did wrong) then that is perfectly fine.

If you feel there are things left unsaid that you need to get off your chest, then by all means, say them. It could be now or never you know?

The important thing is to go with your gut instinct on this and do what YOU feel comfortable doing. Maybe you could write 2 letters.....one short and one longer. Read them over, see how you feel about them and choose from there. Give yourself a couple of days before mailing to take a break from them and then reread them so you are in a better frame of mind

Wishing you well Pom!


sabby

[Pomegranate]

Thanks (((Capp and sabby)))) for your responses. I hope I get more, especially from people who have done this. I'd like to hear first hand experiences so I might have some idea of what kinds of reactions or "fall out" to expect. And how one felt after they did something like this?

[LizzyB]

Hi,
New member, here. I have a much older brother who was extremely abusive to me (not sexually, but otherwise). I am 55 and he is 68. A number of years ago I decided to stop all contact between him and his family and myself. I tried to communicate this, and reasons for it, but it was not well received.
I'd caution you to keep your expectations low if you contact your brother. If he has never acknowleged his abuse, don't expect him to. If he has never apologized, don't expect that either. He may in fact, like my brother, use your communication to further abuse you by subtly or overtly continuing his abuse by the way he reacts. I mean, you may get some sort of reaction that claims you are crazy or unreasonable or irrational or terrible or something else unfavorable. I don't know about you, but I did receive this sort of reaction, and it made me feel like wanting to explain and justify myself and get sucked further into the situation rather than remove myself. I resisted the temptation, but it still bothers me, and it feels as if I did not get closure, since they obviously did not understand or accept me or what I had to say. So they are still in my head, darn it!

But if you feel you can deal with this sort of thing, then by all means go ahead. Just don't expect any sort of acknowledgement or validation.

Good luck! I hope it works, if you decide to do it. I do agree that we need to get our FOOs out of our heads if they are doing us harm. Easier said than done, though!

Take care, LizzyB

[LizzyB]

By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!

[chaotic13]

Pomegranate, I'm not sure what type of abuse you suffered at his hands and if you have ever confronted him about what he did.

I was abused not directly by my brother but his friends. My brother was there and for the most part aware of what was happening. Until I started therapy, I didn't even realize that what I endured met the definition in most states for sexual and physical abuse. I just thought my childhood was kind of "bad" compared to what others described. I've never talked directly with my brother about our childhood and its long-term effects. For example, he still thinks its funny that he and his friends used to get me stoned while walking me to elementary school. I was 9 they were 14-16. There are a lot of things that my brother just considers funny. Admittedly he wouldn't think they were funny if they happened to one of his kids. But he just doesn't get it and doesn't get how some of those things profoundly affected later relationships. If I had a serious talk with him, I'm sure he could appreciate and regret the stuff that happened, but for me it is just not worth it. At the time he wasn't trying to deliberately hurt me, he just didn't know any better, and often he wasn't in a position to really stop it anyway...

So... I guess what I am trying to say is does your brother really appreciate how much what he did hurt you? Has he accepted any responsibility for his actions and tried to apologize in any way?

[Pomegranate]

I never confronted my brother. But he did come to apologize after my first suicide attempt. I was still in a very fuzzy place and really not prepared for that. We did not talk about it. He apologized, that was it. I was not in any emotional shape to deal with it.

Later on, I was grateful that he did acknowledge what he did. That helped validate my feelings, and stopped my fears that he would deny it happened. But most of the family does not know what happened. His wife and children treat me like I'm so selfish, uncaring, cold and indifferent person. His kids I can understand why they may think and feel that way, although it hurts me and makes me angry that I have to look like and be treated like the "bad guy" when I was not.

His wife, interestingly enough, knew about what happened. When she first started her crush on my brother when they were teenagers she would pay me lots of attention to get me to talk about my brother. At the time I didn't realize what was going on, just that here was a TEENAGE girl paying me lots of attenion and I felt important and flattered. She was the first person I confided in about what he did. Her and I never talked about it again. Nothing ever happened. She went on to marry him. She now also treats me like I'm the cold, uncaring, indifferent person. Like I'm selfish and thoughtless. It angers and hurts me.

My mother found out about what happened from my ex husband when we were divorcing. She at first acted like she didn't believe me. I still get the feeling that she thinks I was exaggerating, that it was "no big deal" and that I should just forget about it and stop feeling sorry for myself. She's always reminded me how much harder her life was than mine and that she was able to take it and not fall apart. It's my fault I suffer from mental health issues. She's better than me because she has been able to deny her mental health issues all these years and blame everyone else around her for her problems. I'm a weak, self pitying, crazy, cry baby who hates everyone, especially her. Poor her, to have a daughter like me.

[LizzyB]

Oh my gosh! That is unreal! I'm referring to what you said about your mom.

(your mother) "...always reminded me how much harder her life was than mine and that she was able to take it and not fall apart. It's my fault I suffer from mental health issues. She's better than me because she has been able to deny her mental health issues all these years and blame everyone else around her for her problems. I'm a weak, self pitying, crazy, cry baby who hates everyone, especially her. Poor her, to have a daughter like me."[/quote]

Woah. That is a really heavy load for you to have to carry. You poor dear (no sarcasm).

It occurs to me that with a mother like that, your brother probably has some pretty serious issues of his own, even if she treated him differently from the way she treated you. I don't know about you, but finding a way to feel some compassion about someone who has been abusive feels healing for me.

Sounds to me like you have an abusive mother as well as brother.

I don't know what the deal is with his wife and her attitude toward you, but it must feel like a betrayal.

I really do feel bad for you. It hurts. Your mother's negative messages are harmful, and also untrue. It makes me angry to think of it.

I'm thinking of you. Mental illness is not something anyone would ever wish for. It is not a weakness, an excuse, or anything else like that. How dare anybody belittle something that is so difficult and so serious! If you had diabetes or an amputated leg or something like that, I'm guessing your family would not give you such judgemental messages.

Guess that's all for now, but here's a hug

[chaotic13]

Pomegranate,

As for your mother's response... I don't know what to say other than (((hugs))).

As for your brother's wife and kids... honestly, they really don't know anything. It didn't involve them, they do not see the same person that you see when you look or interact with your brother. His wife, maybe you told her... but it didn't happen to her, maybe she though you were just an attention seeking little sister..were to little to know what you were talking about, or she just really liked your brother and did want to believe you. Even if she experienced something similar in her mind...she is not you. Maybe you can just ignore them and their response to you for now.

As for what you posted about your brother... he clearly hurt you, you said he kind of acknowledged that but at the time you were not ready to really deal with it. Do you feel stronger now? Do you feel like it is something that you want to finally deal with? When I read your post... maybe my own stuff is creeping in here so PLEASE correct me if I am wrong... you seem like you want your brother to understand the hurt he has caused. The fact that is apologized and made an attempt to connect with you "around" your birthday suggests that he may be trying make amends. IDK, only you would know if these attempts are motivated by something else.

Maybe you could sit quietly with yourself, try to eliminate all other factors and think only about what you want or need. You mentioned that your brothers apology did help some because it validated that what happened, happened. Is that enough? Or do you want more from him than just a validation that it happened. If you want him to hear how his actions have really affected you, then I say...DO IT. Use whatever method you want, a letter, email, face-to-face meeting, whatever. You need to but YOU first.

I think if you want to confront him and deal with it in more detail you are going to have the be the one to raise the issue.

I DON'T KNOW YOUR BROTHER, I'm just putting the following rationales out there in an attempt to help you explore your brother's actions.

After your SI attempt, he may have gotten a clue about the impact of what he's done. He may know what he did was wrong, may be feeling guilty about hurting, may know that what he did hurt you a lot... but he may be too ashamed to go there without you mentioning it first. He might even be afraid that if he brings up the issue, he will be hurting you all over again.

He maybe he experienced some kind of abuse too (your mom--well doesn't sound very motherly) and he feels what he did you was because of what was done to him. Maybe he feels bad, but not completely responsible for his actions because... maybe like your mother...he feels like whatever happened to you was NOTHING compared to what happened to ME.

Maybe your brother may be a slimball and think what he did wasn't all that bad but he apologized just because you were in a bad place.

Maybe...to him it was just a physical act. Something other guys he hung out with had done and they convinced themselves that it was no big deal.

Maybe he doesn't understand/ appreciate how it has really impacted your life. (This just made me think of a situation with my brother last year. We were traveling together and passed through our hometown. We were making comments about things we were remembering as we drove through. At one point my brother, laughs and says, "There! Right there I remember getting busted seconds before doing some 15 yr old high school girl who I had just met." "Man that was a crazy night. We were in the back seat, I was just about to ____ her, and BAM, BAM, BAM a cop's flashlight was rapping on the back window." "Boy, her mother was pissed at me, screaming and carrying on while I was handcuffed in the back of the police car." As I was listening to him tell this story... I didn't know how to respond. I stopped playing the remember when game. IDK... I think sometimes guys... just have a different view of things. It was at that point... I realized, even if I did tell him about how our childhood affected me... he wouldn't understand.

I'm sorry for getting long-winded. Pomegranate I just hope you can put yourself first and do what it is YOU need to do to get your life back and heal. (((pomegranate)))

[LizzyB]

I think Chaotic has some good things to say, and to ponder

[LizzyB]

Hoping you are doing OK. Just checking up. How's it going? Lizzy B

[Pomegranate]

(((Thanks Lizzy)))

I did think about what I wanted from him. What did I want to get out of this. I wanted closure. And what I really wanted was the impossible. I wanted for it to never have happened so I don't have to have the anxiety and fear in the pit of my stomach when I am around him. I want his family to care about me and not blame me for things they don't understand. I want all my family to be loving and supportive and healthy. I want the impossible.

So given what IS, I did email him a short letter. It was kind but honest. I let him know how I was feeling and that given how things are and how little has changed in our family, it's best if we have no contact. I don't expect a response, and hope I don't get one. I haven't so far and it's been a few days. I'm okay.

If I should get any grief or negativity and nastiness from anyone, I think I am ready for it. I know what is right and true for me, what I need. I'm doing what's best for me. They may not like it, but I don't like how things are or have been for a long time either. They'll have to deal with it just like I do. I doubt most will notice or care that I'm not around. I have mostly not been around the family much for years now anyway.

[LizzyB]

Hey, good for you! I think you did the right thing for yourself, and I'm glad you did it. Also glad you feel prepared for whatever they throw at you, if they do. Also it sounds very self-aware, what you figured out about what you want.

I hope the anxiety from that experience can get better for you. Lizzy B

Hi Pom,

Ive have been sexually abused by my brother too. I confronted him and it made him abusively angry at me threatening to hit me and tauntimg me to hit him so he could really hit me . Luckily I had enough knowledge I coud see what he was doing It was very scary Yet I could not report him. He was physically violent with me growing up and it was allowed . It makes me crazey thinking about this stuff because my father sexually abused me too . And my mother was violent and verbally abusive to me..

But most of the family does not know what happened. His wife and children treat me like I'm so selfish, uncaring, cold and indifferent person. His kids I can understand why they may think and feel that way, although it hurts me and makes me angry that I have to look like and be treated like the "bad guy" when I was not.

I put these side by side because they are the most important . Pom. The whole family does not know . And they need too But your afraid youll get more of what you've been getting .

That your mentally ill and the problem . But see your not . Your brother and Mother are.

And the only one you told ( outside the family) does not belive you . If she did she woud have had second thoughts about having children with him. She let you down . You had some hopes she woud do something . maybe stand up for you get you some help.

She needs to traet you in the way she is to keep up her denial of who she fell in love with.

women choosing men over thier sisters . My mother did everything for the men and sacrificed me.

By her marrigae alone it so invaldating all around. I can see how alone you must feel . so unsupported .

It sounds like more than just a letter to your brother is need . But one step at a time .

Im so sorry Pom you had and have to go through this.


My brother does not know the truth of my father.My Father didn't know about my brother. My mother knew about My brother and me. She knew about the covert abuse my father did . She Knew about the physical hitting and some she did not know about . I don;t know if she knew about the sexual that was physical.

I'm still thinkig about doing the same . Writing the letter of all letters . My brother and I have not spoken or seen each other in 11 years. Hes dangerous still I can tell by the kind of cards he sends me . sarcastic an directed to hurt me kind of cards . its the only kind of abuse I can see but other cannot . So all I will ask is no further cards or anything.

My bieng on here has helped me clarify things, see things i have missed . There may be more yet to uncover.

Its sad not having a family . But one can get used to it because they weren't and were not capable of really caring about us to begin with. At least not in the areas we really needed.


Patricia

[Pomegranate]

(((Patricia))))

Thank you for the response and sharing your experience. I'm sorry for both of us we had to go through what we did.

My brother was physically abusive to me as well, not extreme, but almost everytime he would even just walk past me, as children, he would hit me. I also fear his anger although I have not seen it flare for a long time. But it is part of the fear & anxiety I feel being around him.

Your brother sounds like a monster. Be careful and don't expect too much. He sounds like he might even increase the smirky cards to you if he knew they hurt you. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

(((Patricia))))

Thank you for the response and sharing your experience. I'm sorry for both of us we had to go through what we did.

My brother was physically abusive to me as well, not extreme, but almost everytime he would even just walk past me, as children, he would hit me. I also fear his anger although I have not seen it flare for a long time. But it is part of the fear & anxiety I feel being around him.

Your brother sounds like a monster. Be careful and don't expect too much. He sounds like he might even increase the smirky cards to you if he knew they hurt you. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Hi Pom,

I kept thinking about your sister in law. And I thought how difficult it must be for you to see your brothers children and not wonder knowing what you know to be true and possible.

My brother was physically abusive to me as well, not extreme, but almost everytime he would even just walk past me, as children, he would hit me. I also fear his anger although I have not seen it flare for a long time. But it is part of the fear & anxiety I feel being around him.

Good thing to remove yourself . You are not a punching bag. I know about the fear and anxiety, the shame once I faced it. I no longer want to be aroud him or see him again. I can no longer play dumb.

I didn't feel comfortable around him alone . When I visited him a year before I began therapy back in the 80's I spent a couple nights in his apartment and felt afraid on so many levels but i didn't know why because I repressed it,

Be careful and don't expect too much. He sounds like he might even increase the smirky cards to you if he knew they hurt you.

The last card he sent Of the bear ouside the tent by the ocean resembling me maybe having to live in my truck was postmarked from Fort lauderdale Florida.

Thats where our family used to vacation a few times for Christmas.

He was flaunting he had enouh money to take one . relaxing on the beach . I can see him over weight /drinking and with his red face laughing heckling about how he can make me feel bad. Which he has done so many times.

see, He doesn't know the entire truth . He blames me still.

Pom . I got an idea. Along with the final letter , me not wanting him to go feel to out of control he will no longer be able to pummel me . I'll give him some of his own messages back.

I was thinking this morning .Should I send a plain red small tear drop shaped one ? Or be more blatant and have one personalized for him. ..















Think he'd get the punch line?

Patricia

[chaotic13]

Pom, I'm glad you found a way to at least express some of what you are thinking and feeling at this point. I think sometimes people just don't have the ability to appreciate how they have effected others. Also, I think sometimes they do... but like you mentioned... time cannot be reversed and the damaged done cannot be fixed. Your email sounds to me like it was something the you did for yourself. I think that is good.

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

If I should get any grief or negativity and nastiness from anyone, I think I am ready for it. I know what is right and true for me, what I need. I'm doing what's best for me. They may not like it, but I don't like how things are or have been for a long time either. They'll have to deal with it just like I do. I doubt most will notice or care that I'm not around. I have mostly not been around the family much for years now anyway.

My hope for you is that your brother will come clean and tell his wife and your mother about what happened. How it was his fault and he's in therapy to work on it.

Then things would change, Its what you deserve Pomagrant.

We know the odds of that happening. They may not "get it" by your not bieng present. They may chalk it up to thats just you.

I hope my image didn't trigger anyone. I was mixed about it.

Patricia

[Pomegranate]

I thought the image was not a good one to send to your brother. I did find it disturbing. I wasn't sure if I should say anthing or not, so I didn't. But now that you have brought it up, I felt safe to say something.

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

I thought the image was not a good one to send to your brother. I did find it disturbing. I wasn't sure if I should say anthing or not, so I didn't. But now that you have brought it up, I felt safe to say something.

Hi Pom..Im actually considering sending my brother a "real " punching bag.

the tear drop one would be perfect . represents a tear ,mostly all mine.
I woudn't put the money into a heavy bag plus they cost around 100.00.

I was more concerned about the image bothering anyone one here.

I never hit my brother ever.

hope you understand now .

sometmes humor is a way of healing.



Patricia

[Miri]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

My brother who sexually abused me as a young girl called me last night to wish me a Happy Birthday (TODAY is my birthday.) I didn't answer that phone and he left a short message. He didn't even know what day my BD is, he thought he was late in phoning.

He very rarely has remembered my birthday through the years. I most often do not hear from him.

As I've posted previously, his daughter is getting married this summer and it has stirred up a lot of uncomfortable feelings in me. I do not plan on attending the wedding.

I have most often been slowly separating myself from my family of origin over many years now. After listening to his message last night I just felt like, Enough! His family is obvious in their dislike for me - for what reasons I don't know, as far as my niece & nephews go, because they don't know about the sexual abuse.

I'm very much feeling like I need to write my brother and just say let's stop the pretense and any contact.

Should I do this? If so what should I say? Go into detail or keep it short and sweet?

Hello Pomegranate ... I confronted my brother face-to-face. I'll never forget waiting for him to arrive at my home, as he had no clue what i was going to say. I spoke and that was personally strengthening, but dealing with his denial and anger was hard. I don't want him in my life life and am relieved, but i came face-to-face with him again when my mother was in the hospital and he wouldn't even look at me, much less be civil and say hello for our mother's sake. I'm only telling you this because if you choose to confront him, in person or by letter, ask yourself if you are prepared and strong enough and have good support to deal with the possible consequences. Personally, I think is is empowering to confront if a person is ready and it is safe. I have 6 brothers, some abused me and others, I suspect, just know something. I haver always felt very conflicted about them. Ending all contact has being very freeing for me. On the other hand, I tried to disconnect with my mother, who also abused me, and couldn't take the guilt. Now I have to deal with a relationship that is based on a lie and I hate that, too. Again, my advice, if that's what you're asking from us, is to think hard about how your choice will affect you and if you can live with the possibility of hostility. Trust yourself to know what is best for you ... that wisdom is inside you.