What's wrong with me?

So, my husband has been out of the house for about a month now, and he is trying so hard to find his way back into my life. Of course, it hasn't been all roses and genuine effort....like breaking into the house at 2 AM and hiding under a blanket....lashing out at me verbally....being emotionally abusive....saying mean things like he's been using me for sex for 15 years.....Great way to get back into my life, huh?

Our 14th wedding anniversary was the other day, and he made some kind of excuse to find a way to see me....and I let it happen....We talked. I cried. The gist of it all was that I was telling him I was done with our relationship and he needs to find a way to deal with that. He is not accepting it.....

And then, he asked, since it was our anniversary, if I would give him oral sex!! Oral sex was always a big part of our sex life....

Everyone around me - including my T - is telling me that he is mentally unstable....and that he is dangerous.....

And here I am - overwhelmed with everything going on - financially, at work with my boss who is creating a hostile work environment for me and building a case to get me fired, the SA issues, taking care of the house on my own, taking care of our daughter on my own....

And I see my lawn....it is in desperate need of getting cut...and I just want to cry.

Then, I thought to myself - HEY, how about I tell my husband that I'll give him oral sex if he cuts the lawn for me....even trade!

I KNOW it's a bad idea....The LAST thing I want is to have him in my life like that....especially with the SA that he has put me through...and the fact that he is mentally unstable and I can't give him that hope that things will work out with us....

But yet, the thought did come to my mind....WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?????????

WELL, if your question is a genuine one, my answer would be this:

What is 'wrong' with you is that you are completely stressed and overwhelmed by a whole host of current negative events. There seems to be very little support for you, and both home and work are currently very stressful environments, affording you no 'safe place to land'.

I can sort of understand the oral sex exchange thingy... it is 'easy' and quick, and would give you one less stress in your life (by getting the lawns mowed.)

HOWEVER... don't go there, girl. You know that, right? I've read other things you've written about your hubby, and.... don't go there. If you do it once, he will expect it as his right.
In the short term it may get the lawns mowed, but you know (in his eyes) the lawns are going to cost a whole lot more than that one little bj, right?

I know you're right....it would be an easy task....but the repercussions are sooooo not worth it....

I still have to get the lawn cut tho...LOL...

>>>>I still have to get the lawn cut tho...LOL...

Hey... it's just grass. In the grand ole scheme of things it don't matter so much. It will get mowed eventually.

Let it grow, let it go... :P

True, it is just grass.....I guess I'm just dreading THAT part of my separation with my husband. I can't deal with heat and it's supposed to be 90 degrees here tomorrow....Then, Monday - after work - I have group therapy and won't be home til around 10 PM or so....then Tuesday, I have my other group therapy and won't be home til around 8:30 PM....

So, I guess I just worry about when it's going to get done....and the idea that I'm going to have to deal with this all summer long....I have a neighbor whose daughter likes to cut grass. I mentioned to her that I would pay her - less than what I'd pay a service - but still, pay her to cut my lawn. I'm not sure if she realizes I am serious! I'll have to follow up with her.

Paying someone money to cut the grass for you is exactly what you should do. Also find out what the rules are in your community, how long can you let the grass grow until the ticket you, or whatever, and don't worry about getting the grass cut until it starts getting close to that height. Chances are, you'll always get the grass cut before it reaches critical height.

Cut the grass early morning or late evening so you don't have to deal with the heat. If neighbors complain let them know you have a health condition and that you are now on your own and doing the best you can. If they don't like it, maybe they'll come over and cut the grass for you.

Thanks.....I know paying someone would be the ideal choice, but I am watching every single penny right now because I have to....I guess it really is money well spent, but I will have to work that into my budget.

Luckily, the backyard is what's starting to look like a jungle...monkeys will be swinging around back there soon. LOL.....

Tomorrow is the first day that I'd have an opportunity to cut the lawn...but I can't because it's going to frikkin rain! Grrr. So, another day goes by.....

HEY, maybe I'll send my daughter outside with scissors and she can cut the lawn that way! LOL

mixedup,

Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail...

I think this is a wonderful saying.....just exactly what you need to do......& your uncut lawn is a good place to leave that trail that can be seen...lol.

I know how easy it is to feel desperate enough to want to do anything you can to get the work done that is staring you in the face. Feeling overloaded in the first place & not enough money to hire anything to be done....having to do it all yourself or it won't get done. These are the exact words that have come out of my mouth many times since I left my husband 2 years ago.

I bought a farm in Kentucky (from California) after my Mother died. Plans were to sell or rent that house & he would end up moving here.....those were the plans I was thinking when I bought the farm. When I came here to get it ready to move into, I realized just how bad our relationship was & how much better off I was not being around the buttons he kept pushing to cause such extreme anger in me. For the first time in 33 years, I felt good about myself & realized what a fight it had been all that time. I put some qualifications on his moving here. Then I actually gave him a chance that following Christmas. He failed miserably....I kicked him out after only a couple of weeks. Knowing. So now I have a huge house that needs work, 10 acres of land that most just needs mowing with the lawn tractor I bought.

What price was I willing to pay for help.....NONE. I wouldn't bring him back into my life for anything......he nailed that decision shut when I got a certified letter from the IRS about the letter they had sent out almost a year before (that he never told me about) stating the huge error that had been made on the taxes & all the money that was owed. He got the letter all right......but he still wasn't open about it when I confronted him. Talk about anger.....yep, it was money I owed from a mistake me made on my inheritance......When I had the money, he didn't bother telling me.....not until the money was gone & I had no way of paying the bill did I find out about it & it wasn't from him, it was from a letter that had been forwarded to my address in KY because when he came here at Christmas I had all mail forwarded. If I hadn't had the mail forwarded, I still wouldn't have known about it because he still wouldn't have told me & would have hid the letter from me. What a price to pay for staying married to a jerk for 33 years.

There comes a time where being alone & taking care of yourself is so much better than the alternative. Keeping him out of your life with the issues he has put on you is your only solution. Who carres about the grass. It will get cut when the weather allows......rain comes & rain goes.....soon there will be a good day when you have the chance to mow the yard, or you will find some money to have it done.

You know you need to not take the path that lies before you with your husband on it......you need to take that new path you are trying to get onto completely & make that new trail away from him as fast as possible.

You can do it....it takes determination & sometimes you just have to put blinders on as to all the work you have to do alone because it can become overwhelming.......but it really is the only answer & I know you know that from what you say in your post. Sometimes you just need reinforcing from others that is really is the right way to go.

Yes, it is the right way to go,
Debbie

Wow, Debbie....Thank you. You have been where I am. I am sorry your husband did what he did and that you are overwhelmed with the farm.

I am indeed trying to make that new path...if I could only mow a trail...LOL...

Seriously though, deep inside, I believe I am doing the right thing. And that in itself makes me incredibly sad....sad mostly for my husband. I ache when I think of the pain he is going through. But I can no longer sacrifice my happiness and our daughter's happiness for what he THINKS will make him happy. He was miserable here, so I don't understand why he wants to come back so badly.

Our daughter is thriving! She's LIVING! It's what she deserves. Now, I am having a little more trouble getting to that part. I am overwhelmed, anxious, upset, etc. when I am faced with the financial aspect of things or the significant increase in responsibilities that I face each day. I do feel more confident than in the beginning, so there's been progress made. But it feels as though I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown every time yet another thing gets added to the pile.

I'll get there....

When you know inside that you are doing the right thing, then you ARE doing the right thing. It is important to not feel bad for your husband. It is his choice to live in the way that is not making the marriage work. If he really cared, he would make the changes necessary, not you having to give in or tolerate his actions....NO!!! NO WAY!!! That is not a marriage.

The only reason your husband is feeling pain is because he had you in his control & now he doesn't. Of course, being in control will make him happy....it would make anyone happy. But remember one thing, that isn't love no matter what term they place on it.....that kind of action toward a person IS NOT LOVE.....they just want you to think it is. If he really cared & really loved you, he would not treat you the way he is treating you. You are right, you & your daughter don't need that kind of life.

I had a friend I went places with & rode horses with when I was in college. He was the kind of controlling guy I knew I would never be interested in more than just a friend (& even that was a challenge). He wanted to schedule things into my life months in advance. After I got married, we stayed friends & then he got married. The woman found out what kind of man he was & left very quickly....walked out without anything. He ended up getting remarried & she was pregnant before they got married. She really didn't know him very well, but stuck by him for their son. When he died a few years ago of cancer, she confided in me just how much he had controlled her & how free she felt now that he had died. She felt guilty for those feelings, but I assured her that there was nothing wrong with how she felt & knowing him for as long as I did, I understood exactly how she felt. It had only gotten worse over the years from what I knew......I was glad I could be there for her to be able to let those feelings out & that women are not to be controlled, but loved & cared about which it a 2 way street. Whenever there is control, love is lacking & insecurity is high.

Even my husband thought I was going to continue tolerating him forever without ever having to make the changes that were needed for a good marriage because I had put up with it for so long. I had wanted out at the beginning, but like you, was afraid to go it alone with our daughter & my career. I had never been out on my own, going from living at home with my parents while in college to being married, I had never had the chance to know that I could take care of myself until I moved here to Kentucky.....I found out it's a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade it for being married ever again.

As time passes, I realize that I have no feelings for my husband. No regret that I am not around him, no missing him....NOTHING except for relief from the fighting & irritations that he was continually causing in our life. I know I could never go back to being around him.....even if he were to change, I don't want to live with anyone ever again. I love my peaceful life (how ever peaceful it is with 6 dogs barking at me...lol). That is still much more peaceful than my marriage ever was.

You can make it...one step at a time. Don't think about all you have to do....just think about the one thing you are doing that day to get the things done otherwise it will overwhelm you.

I will be here if you are feeling bad....you can always PM me also if you just need to let it out.

Debbie

Thank you, Debbie. Sharing your stories helps me....

OH, and guess what? Without me saying ANYTHING about the particular thought I posted about....My husband texted the following to me today after we decided he was going to stop by tonight before my daughter gets home to pick up a few things. He said:

Husband: And I would also like to offer to take care of the lawn. I will try to get the mower running.

Me: I appreciate the offer but I am going to have to learn how to do these kinds of things on my own. If you can show me how to add oil and gas that would help.

Husband: I need the exercise and a happy ending.

Me: Then definitely not....I will get someone else to help me. Thanks anyway.

Good for you! You really can get through this. And You REALLY, REALLY, deserve someone better than your current husband.

Thanks....I don't feel that way though....The text exchange between me and my husband just got worse and worse. He was saying, "Aww, come on, what's the big deal"...."You know you're good at it"...."Please, pretty please?"...."With a cherry on top".....

I told him that I was uncomfortable with his behavior and to please stop. I also told him that this seems to be a pattern with him - He lashes out...then apologizes and tries to be civil...then he gets overly sexual....I suggested that he raise this with his therapist.

I also told him that because of his behavior, I did not want him coming to the house tonight (he was coming over to pick up some things and also to possibly take our daughter for a while)....I said to contact me when he can respect my boundaries and be civil.

He then tried to call me. I didn't answer it and then texted him that I did not want to talk to him. He said he would have me paged. I told him that if he had me paged, it would cause problems at my work - and that I would file harrassment charges against him.

I haven't heard from him since.

AND, what ticks me off the most is that I accidentally deleted ALL of my text messages....GRRRR....I looked up the tech support for my particular phone and service, and unfortunately, I can't get them back.

Good for you......it takes being strong & setting those boundaries up front just like you are doing. Until he can respect you, there is no place for him anywhere around you, just like you are doing.

Giving him the time away & the time for you to set you boundaries in place with you so if he is capable of respecting you, then he will have to since he is not capable of respecting you on his own.

I realized that it would be obvious with time to be able to know if my husband ever changes even when I am not around him.....if he wants to change, he will & if he wants to show me any change, I am sure he will if he ever cared in the first place either (which I really doubt).

The sad thing in my case is that he really is a nice person.....my fights are in lack of communication & lying to me by not saying anything (cover up things he does) that aren't really that bad, but are financially irresponsibilities that are totally childish. Or I ask him a question that he knows I am depending on his answer for & he can't be man enough to say he doesn't know the answer because in his mind he does know the answer no matter how wrong it actually is.....that has cost me a lot in trusting his answers.....I can't seem to not feel the ability to try & depend on someone I feel I should be able to depend on, so in order to save myself, I have to stay I be completely responsible for myself........This I have found I really like the feeling of much better than ever feeling like I could ever depend on anyone ever again.

Putting up broudaries when you are living around someone 24/7 is almost impossible.....so it is really good that you have kicked him out of the house. If you & your daughter are feeling that much better without him already....this is a perfect sigh that he doesn't belong there no matter how he tries to weasel (no offence to poor cute weasels meant here) his way back into your life.

Good for you, way to go, I'm here rooting for you. It sounds like he got the picture to leave you alone.

I am proud of the way you handled the texting & the phone calls. Sometimes we have to be pushed pretty far before we take action, but then.....WATCH OUT!!!!

Thanks for the update & keep up the strength,
Debbie

Thanks for the encouragement.....Sometimes it feels soooo hard and soooo hopeless.....and other times, I feel empowered. It's such a rollercoaster.

I am happy to report that I cut the front and back lawn!! WOO HOO!!! This may seem insignificant to some people, but this is an accomplishment for me....and it's one of the things that was causing me some anxiety over the last few days....

So....whew! BUT, I realized that it's a lot of work....and I can't imagine being out there in hot weather. Luckily it was only in the 60's today. Perfect lawn cutting temperature....and I was able to handle it. But if it was in the 80's...NO way.....

I know I am thinking too far ahead and agonizing over something so minor....but it makes me miss having my husband around.....and it makes me think of the good things about him. There ARE good things....like how he scratched my back almost every single night....and told me how beautiful I am every day.....how he kept a very clean house, practically at all times, due to his OCD....GRRR....WHY do I feel like this sometimes???

You feel like that because you cared enough about him to want to marry him & try to make the marriage work & because being alone after being married & having to do everything on your own is a lot of work.

Keeping the reality of the situation in your mind is the most important however at this point....until you get resolution on the situation.....focus on that...not necessarily on the bad, but on the fact that those things that are making the marriage impossible have to be resolved before & only before allowing him back or it will become nothing but a see-saw life. When those things that we like about a person aren't around, it is only natural to miss them especially when they make us feel better ourselves.....but you can't let them outweigh resolving what the issues of the marriage really are. If those issues can be resolved, then just think, you will not only have those nice things about him back, but you will also have a wonderful marriage to enjoy rather than to fight.

If for some reason the marriage doesn't get resolved, then look at all the practice you have in taking care of your life on your own. I have a 10 acre farm to take care of along with all the repairs because I don't have any money to hire it to be fixed. The belt on my lawn tractror came off the other day just as I was finishing up my back acre. I have to take it apart & fix the belt....easy enough fix as I ended up taking the lawn tractor apart when I first got it in order to install the mulcher.

I also have to powerwash the front porch & get it painted with the sealing paint/stain I have along with all the railing & put up the latice work at the bottom of the deck porch area. Finish painting the inside of the house & put up all new wood around the windows that had to be taken out when I had all the windows in the house replaced. I purchased a miter saw to do the cutting with, so I have all the tools & all the paint to do all the work that needs to be done. I am also installing new lighting fixtures on the front porch & by the garage & back porch. It is surprising what we can do when we want to. I am actually finding that I enjoy working on the house more than I ever thought I would.

Looking at my beautiful mowed lawn which looks like a huge park is so satisfying after it's all done. I am also cutting back all the trees on the edge of my woods so I can mow up to the edge without my head getting knocked off while I mow (also keeps the tic's from jumping off the branches & onto me while mowing also.....alterior reasoning for cutting back the branches). Oh yes, I forgot about all the weed eating & weed killer stuff I have to spray to kill the weeds & poison ivy/oak that grows at the edge of the woods.

I don't even have my horses here yet to take care of or that would be added to the full time job of caring for the farm.

Yep.....it's more work that one person can really do, but it's one step at a time & priorities set on the things I can't let get out of control. Strange thing is that I feel better than I ever have before in my life & I definitely feel happier than I did when I was with my husband.

I know what you mean about feeling like what you have done is a huge accomplishment. When we do something we have never done before in our lives & do it successfully.....it is a huge accomplishment & should be acknowledged. I have found that when it gets hotter, it's best to mow either early in the morning or late in the evening before the sun goes down. My lawn tractor has a head light on it....I have been known to be mowing into the dark on really hot days...lol.

Keep your focus on your desire for the improvement of your marriage & getting your husband to be a part of that improvement while he is out of the house so you will know if it is ever safe to allow him back into your life.

I have always felt that if I could do something anyone could do it......so if that is the case....if I can do this, so can you...lol. I know the initial fear of having to do everything by myself was overwhelming especially with the size of everything around me.....but it's getting easier & I don't force myself to get everything done at once or with perfection (even though the perfectionist in me is still active to some extent).

After this, you will at least have more self confidence in your ability to handle your life by yourself & maybe your husband will even have more respect for you knowing that you are capable of taking care of yourself without him & that you don't need him, but will want him in your life when he successfully makes the changes needed for a successful marriage.

I know you can handle this successfully,
Debbie

Debbie, I don't know how you handle it all!!!

It's true that I need to build some self-confidence and take one step at a time. I was so thrilled that the lawn was done, but instead of continuing to relish in the feeling of that accomplishment, I started to worry about how many more times that chore was going to need to be done - all.summer.long....I have to stop doing that! It is an unhealthy way to think and feel!!

Unfortunately, I don't believe there will be any improvement in my marriage. Even my T feels that it would take years of therapy for him....because at this point, he is so far gone, so unaware and mentally unstable.

Even if he "fixes" his issues....I don't want to take the risk of learning that his old patterns make a comeback. The risk is too big, especially when it comes to our daughter who is at such an impressionable age.

In the meantime, I am trying to stay positive...not easy to do....and I am going to therapy....

Sometimes I don't handle it all like my war to get the manufacturer to stand behind my unreasonable electric bill because of the bad compressor that came in the heat pump unit....which went on for 4 months during the winter & $2300 in electric bills. Not only am I fighting or them to be fair now that I finally got the compressor installed, but I am fighting with the electric company because they want all their money right now....I have already paid $1000 of it....there just isn't the money & they just kept turning off my electricity because they were being jerks. I finally forced them to deal with it so I could have a chance to resolve the issue with the manufacturer & not have to fight the electric company on top of them.

Ready to get my baseball bat out & beat up a few heads at this point.....& that doesn't even include the person who installed the system & all the grief he's been giving me by not getting me the information I need to fight my war (way too much like my husband, so I have no patience with that jerk). Long story about the conversation when I told him off yesterday.

Yes, you just have to fucus on the moment & what you have to handle....sometimes a list of things helps to you can write them down & let them go from your mind.....the less clutter the better...lol.

You will be wise to listen to your therapist & your logic about not going back to your husband.....if you got to the point where you have had enough now.....you will only get to that point quicker if you ever would go back....better never to go back than to get in a cycle of going back & leaving all the time.....stick to your wisdom & don't let your heart get in there & try to trick it into doing the wrong thing.

Keep the positive going & knowing you are doing the right thing.

Please feel ok to PM me if you are ever feeling the need for any extra moral support....I will always be glad to be here for you. I know how much it helps sometimes when those thoughts of wondering if you are right come sneeking back in......or self doubt that you can do it hit.

You are strong & you will be able to make it on your own....it's just getting into the pattern of handling everything & feeling comfortable alone & in that position after having someone who you depended on for many years (even if you really weren't able to depend on him, it wasn't that you didn't keep trying & there were at least a few things you could depend on).

I know you will do great once you settle into being alone....I am just a PM away if you need support more than through a thread,
Debbie

I just wanted to say...

I love this whole exchange between the two of you, and it is one of the reasons why I love forums like this. I so appreciate the way Mixed was able to find exactly the right kind of support she needed NOW, from someone who knows exactly what kind of stuff she is going through, and was able to get just the right kind of encouragement and BTDT perspective to help get through this hard time.

I can see your growth and strength emerging in this thread, MUE.
You are going to be able to do this hun - you're doing great.

(And kudos to you, Eskielover - you've DONE great!)

This is great! Your H clearly sees you relationship as just another type of service. I hope you will continue to not let him devalue you in this way.

I admittedly engage in things that ... well, should be a shared experience but really aren't. When I do this I feel like total crap afterwards, even though I know deep down inside my H values and respects me. Although I can rationalize and justify what I do, in the end it still affects me in a negative way.

From what you wrote, it really doesn't seem like your H is mentally well and he doesn't seem to respect you at all. This would be devastating to me. ((((many hugs))) to you mixed-up. This week I would look at your lawn and say... that work was tiring but I can do it! I would maybe see if a neighbor or some salesman at the local hardware store could give you instructions on how to service and maintain your mower. I think sending a clear message to your H that you no longer require his services. Maybe he will then seek someone else for bjs.