[BamaSurvivor]

So it's time to be truthful again. I don't want to do this, it hurts me like hell to disappoint the people I care about and I hate being disappointed in myself. For the past few days, I've been hiding under this shield and saying I've been clean from drugs. That's just not so... I think it's time I get brutally honest with myself and the people around me. It's time to start getting real.

For the past week in a half to two weeks, I've used every single day. I've used Ice (meth), I've used benzos (Valium and Klonipans), I've used opiates (Lortab), and I've smoked crack cocaine. I was told a little over a month ago that I no longer had to take drug tests at my rehab meetings because I'm now in aftercare and it's not required of me any longer. I went to my meeting tonight and things got real... REAL quick. They popped out a drug test and I had to take it if I wanted to remain in the group. I tested positive for Amphetamines, Methamphetamines, benzos and opiates. I had no idea what to say or do... I wanted to curl up in a ball and die at that moment. Everyone was disappointed in me and everyone was telling me I needed to go to more meetings. I have a LIFE, I can't go to meetings every single day like some people can. I refuse to make time for a meeting every single day. I have other things in my life I deal with. I go to at least 3 meetings a week and that's more than plenty. I got very defensive towards the instructor of the group because he walks around gloating and giving himself praise on being clean two years all the time and then when someone fails a drug screening, he pushes it in their face that he's still clean and if he can be clean anyone should be able to do it. Anyway, after an hour of talking and me crying, I got my ***** and I left.

I'm not using to have fu**ing fun. I'm not using to reach this wonderful high because I know from experience I will never reach that same high as I did the first time I used. I'm using to numb out emotions I don't want to face. I'm using because I've lost 15 pounds in this past month and I need to lose the weight and dieting wasn't working. I'm using because I'd rather use and hide that from my parents than cut on my body and my parents find out and lecture me on how harming my body only makes it ugly. I'm using because I'm not at peace with myself. You have no fricking clue how bad I want to quit using. Everynight I lay down and pray to God, "Please let me wake up clean and sober. Let me wake up with a sound mind and you guide me through the day.", and every morning I wake up fiending dope and am physically sick until I get it. I'm a fu**ing junkie and I know I am. Do you know how that makes me feel? I stayed clean and serene for TEN MONTHS. I did everything I was supposed to be doing. I was doing what my sponser at the time suggested I do, I went to meetings, I read up on NA stuff, I went to NA events other than the regular meetings, I stayed away from the people, places, and things that could bring drugs into my life, I did everything I was told to do. WHY would God pick me to do this to? Where's my shot of serenity? When do I get to live happy, joyous, and free again? When do I get to go up and get my one year chip? I just don't understand it anymore. I've tried so hard yet failed so bad. I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I hope you do not hate me for my reply but I do not think God made you do drugs. He may have helped you with those 10 months you were free of it all. It is called free will....I am btw a NON recovering Rx drug abuser and I know God doesn't make me use it ..I do. I am sorry you're hurting over falling off such a long time without..God just doesn't move in the ways some think...If he did we would not have so many who starve in other countries, if someone asked not to be ill they wouldnt be and so on....
I have only seen AA and NA stuff on TV so I may be wrong but isnt part of it all being responsible for your own choices hard as it is? Again I am sorry but I hate to see you place the blame anywhere else cause then you never will find true sobriety it seems. This is just by opinion and all and I know I would be so mad and sad if I messed up after even a day not using so I know you are in pain and am sorry.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bama}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I don't have any answers for you because I don't have any experience with illegal drugs. However, I can understand your pain, your dissapointment, your reasons.

Without getting into "religion," I can say that God will grant you Serenity when you let Him do it all for you. Sometimes, He brings us through some extremely difficult times to make us stronger. I don't know the WHY! It illudes me, too. Just have faith and exercise patience. You certainly have COURAGE, even if it feels that you don't.

Onward and Upward, Bama. You'll make it through.

[Kismet]

Hi Bama,
I can feel the pain and anguish in your posts. I have a bit of experience with that...*S* Let me share a bit of what I have learned. Hopefully some of it will be helpful.
You know I always get cracked up when someone tells me what a strong person I must be to "conquer" my problems with alcohol and drugs. Nothing could be further from the truth--I conquered nothing-I could NOT fight it. Recovery began when I realized I could not fight it and admitted my defeat.

Self-knowledge never helped me. I read the Big Book while I was drinking--merely reading the words did nothing.

You were embarrassed because you were caught. Forget the instructor, forget the other folks in the class. OK, you fooled them for awhile. So what?? It's not about that. At the end of the day its still your face in that mirror.

Take a look at what you are willing to do. Some of your recent posts seem to indicate that you could have been fudging a bit on that.

Take care of yourself....

[Allan]

Bama, I am really sorry you had to go through all of this again. But to tell the truth, something inside of me had already let me know you were back at it again but I was not going to bring it up unless you did. Like they say it is your life. As far as being free, I am still not free and never will be. It sticks with me every day the thought of running away and using again. That is the nature of addiction you soo. It will always be with us. If you think it is not worth staying clean and sober, that is your choice. But try and look at yourself the way you have been while using and the guilt and shame and fear of people knowing all about what has been going on has done to you. Think about how you will feel about yourself knowing you had 10 months in and now are right back out there again. I may seem to be coming across hard and yes I may be. Sometimes that is what it takes for others to get their eyes opened up for real and see their life. I wish you the best and you know if you ever need to talk, I am here for you.

Allan

[mrb020377]

(((((((((((((((BAMA))))))))))))))))
I am not dissappointed in you. I am here for you! Pm me if you need to ok?

[Gemstone]

{{{{stacy}}}}}

[BamaSurvivor]

Thank you everyone for your responses and kind thoughts.

Sleeps, I'm not blaming God or anyone for my relapse. I place blame where blame is due and that's at me. What I was trying to say about God is that I don't understand how he ALLOWS some things to happen. Not that it's his fault it's happening, but how it's allowed to happen.

(((((((((( Sept, mrb, GEM )))))))))) Thank you. This is so frickin' tough. My life is falling apart again and I'm so very scared to turn my life back around and live clean again. It's scary out there in this big world without having something to "help" you along the way when you're having a rough day, ya know? I WANT to quit using, more than anything. It's just so damned hard. If my boyfriend finds out I'm still using, he's going to break up with me and never speak to me again. If my mom and dad finds out, she's going to kick me out of the house. I'm risking so much by using and I know these risks, yet I keep taking them. What the hell is wrong with me?!

Allan, thank you. You don't come across as mean or rude or anything. I know you're just trying to help and sometimes brutal honesty is what it takes.

It hurts me like hell to disappoint the people I care about

I'm not disappointed Bama.

I'm concerned. Worried.

You matter to me.

Please try and stay safe.

I want you to be around for awhile...

I don't want to lose one more person I care about.

Petunia

[darkeyes]

Bama,
Petunia, said exactly what I was going to say to you, well, not the same words, but the same meaning.
Please don't give up on yourself, I have faith you will be able to get through this, give the program a chance again. Don't let the group leader intimidate you to the point you feel you want to give up on going. Maybe there is another group you can get in with? Maybe the group leader(s) may be to your liking? I do not know what is available where you are so disregard my asking, I'm just thinking on other options, due to some areas having more than others.
PLEASE, take care and know you have people that care about you.
Sincerely,
DE

(((((((((((( Bama )))))))))))))

((((((((((((( Petunia )))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((( everyone here too! ))))))))))))))))))

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

If you did the 10 months under this intructor then I would maybe think on staying where you were...You messed up and can get back on...starting with day 1

[Raynaadi]

As I can see it, you are puting the blame on God. You said how does He allow this to happen. If you're not the problem, there is no solution. Tonight in a meeting, this man said he had hard time believing in a God that could let this happen to him. So he said, "If there's a God, then He'll stop me from using." He's been sober 10 years since. You say you have a life and you refuse to go to a meeting every day. What life? Getting high and hiding it? When you were clean and serene, how many meetings did you go to? What lengths did you take to stay sober? It worked then. So why can't you do it now? 3 meetings a week and you're using. So that doesn't work. What kind of life will you have if you keep using? This life you so desperatly want that you won't go to a meeting a day must be pretty good. You don't want to loose it by going to meetings, so you're going to loose it by using? I'm not disappointed, I'm scared sh*tless for you. 90 in 90 is not a myth. Why not try it again? Just do what you did before. You know how, you know the tools. So pick them up. Please.

[BamaSurvivor]

(((((((((( Petunia and DE )))))))))))) I'm trying. Today was day one again. See how long it last.

I'm still doing the exact same thing now as I was doing those 10 months, Rayna. Going to the same amount of meetings, helping others, pretty much everything I've done since day one of getting clean before. The only difference now is that my sister is back home and it's extremely difficult for me to stay clean when she pushes the ***** in front of my face day in and day out. No, I don't want to be in active addiction any longer. But I also want to have a life outside of NA and going to meetings everyday would put a damper on what positive life I do have. I love NA, I love the people there, but I'd go crazy if I went every single day plus I don't have the gas for that. The closest NA is about 20 minutes away... I spend up to $70 a week on gas now as is. Going to meetings everyday would bump that up to at least $100... That's crazy. Call it an excuse or whatever you want but I just don't have the money to spare right now for all that gas. Trying to get a place of my own and fixing my car right now.

I'm babbling now... Will type more later.

[JustBen]

Since money is the motivation, I'm just wondering: How much do you spend on drugs?

[Allan]

Bama, I see alot of negative in you. I see you looking and talking about all the negative things going on. Your sister, gas money, how long this clean time will be. Where are all the possitive things going on now. Like you are clean right now. You are not giving up, things like that. If you keep looking at all the negative things or reasons, that is all that you will see. Look at the possitive ones and then that will help build yourself up instead of tear you down. We are so use to tearing ourselves down when using that it is new to us to build ourselves up through what we are doing. Try it. Maybe it will not work. But isn't it worth a try to stay clean and sober. Focus on the negatives and the negatives increase, focus on the possitives and the possitives increase, that is what I have been told and still use today.

Allan

[BamaSurvivor]

Ben, I rarely spend any money on dope. My sisters boyfriend is a drug dealer and user so he gives my sister dope and she shares with me. Sometimes her boyfriend gives me dope as well. I've spent money on meth maybe 10 times my whole life. I always bought my crack, but not my meth. It's always usually been given to me. Before I got into treatment the first time, I'd spend maybe $200 a week on crack and sometimes a little more for booze to go with it.

Allan, you're right. There are some positives in my life. Guess the negatives outweigh it so it's sometimes hard to focus on the good. I'll try.

[Leslie]

((((((((((((((((((((((Bama)))))))))))))))))))))))

I read this with tears in my eyes. I hear your pain. If possible try to take only one day at a time, even one hour at a time if needed. Get a calendar and see how many hours, days you can go without. You do have support here whenever you need it. We care about you.
Thanks for posting this and letting us be there for you.

Leslie

[BlueFaith]

((((((((((((Bama))))))))))))
I'm here for you if you need me.

[BamaSurvivor]

(((((((((( Leslie and MP )))))))))))

Thank you both. I F'd up and used over the weekend and ate for the first time tonight since Thursday evening. That's the main reason I continue to use. It decreases my appetite and I rarely eat. I am addicted to it, but I'm more addicted to the weight loss side effect than anything else.

[Kismet]

Bama,
The truth is that you want to use more than you want to stay clean. The sooner you can face that fact the sooner you can recover. Weight loss indeed......

[BamaSurvivor]

Nope, that's not true. If I wanted to use more than stay clean, I would have never went 10 months clean. I wanted to use sooooooooo bad during those 10 months that many nights I literally layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. Now that I'm using some, I want to be clean so bad I lay in bed many nights and cry myself to sleep. Either way I go, I'm miserable.