I need support....

My story is that I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict, and I feel utterly alone. I'm in a bad way financially, so I can't afford rehab. I don't have a lot of friends (or any really). My family is....well, let's just say I pick up the bottle(s) even more having been around them. I'm not saying it's their fault, but they are so judgmental. I mean, my god, as long as I look good, my mother could care less how drunk I get, my sister merely gossips about it, and my brother hasn't bothered to talk to me in years.
I know I should go to AA or something like that, but I'm an addict for like 18 years. It's just one drug after another...I just want to know that there is some compassion, hope, empathy and understanding out there for me because I know if I keep up what I'm doing, I'm going to die, and the really scary thing is, that's Ok. Has anyone been this low?

I do not have a substance abuse problem but till someone comes in who has been in your shoes...I would urge you to go to AA everyday they may be able to help you..I hope someone else will see your post soon
Safe hugs

Tigerlilly,

There are a lot of people here who will give you great advice and feedback, so just keep checking back as it's not the most active forum.

I do hope you'll consider getting some help. I know it's hard. I lost two brothers to heroin addiction. I miss them.

well done for acknowledging the fact you need the help, most alcoholics deny it.

after being an alcoholic for so long, in your case, giving up is going to be so hard, but let me ask you this...how far does it need to get before you realise you need to stop...your family may seem as though they dont care, but how would they feel seeing you on your deathbed? i dont mean to be nasty or harsh, and i hope i havent come across that way. its just that i lost my mum to alcohol, and it devastating, she died when i was 14. i remember on her deathbed she turned to me and said "im so scared, i love you" and those were her last words to me, her last words to my brother were "if i make it through this, im going to stop, i promise", she never did make it through.

the reason im telling you this is to try and let you understand the effects it has on others around you. the fact that your famiy dont discuss is probably due to the fact they cant bare to talk about it as they are scared of your reaction, have you tried starting the conversation with them? dont let it get too far before you decide to stop, because it might just be too late. and nobody wants that.

im sorry you are going through this, it must be so hard for you. im here if you ever need a chat ok.

you are in my thoughts my friend. take care of yourself.

Tigerlilly…
Welcome to the club. And the club being one alcoholic/addict reaching out to another. That is how we do it.

I am a alcoholic, my father probably was one as well, and my grandfather before him. My brother and one of my sisters drinks, in my opinion, too much as well. But it isn’t about any of them, it’s about me and what I am prepared to do today to not drink today.

That is the question I am going to ask you. Are you prepared to go to any lengths to get and stay sober Tigerlilly? There is no program in this world, or pill a doctor has invented that can fix you if you say anything other than YES.

Your alcoholism wants you dead. People who posted before me told you tales of alcohol’s price others have paid. It will never willingly let you go. It will use every trick in the book to get you drunk one more time. And once we start drinking, all is lost. You know this!

My advice, for what it’s worth, get yourself to the nearest AA meeting you can find. Alone you are powerless over if you drink or not, you will drink. I guarantee it. But with the help of other women, who understand what you are going through, you have a chance. And where are you going to find these women? In a recovery environment, that’s where.

Again I ask, are you willing to do anything to get this elusive sobriety? Or are you not?

Richard

I'm probably not willing to do anything at this point. I know that sounds bad, but you have to understand, I have no self-worth, no self-confidence and no self esteem at this point. I drink because I am. It's that insane. I know I need help, but I can't afford to be where I need to be (in rehab) and I know I'm too weak to be in AA. I'd just lie and go home and drink, like I did when I could afford a shrink (for a short while). I'm ashamed of myself, of every aspect of myself. I'm ashamed to write this, but I'm hoping that in some way, this will help me face the problem. I've admitted it under an assumed name on some forum. Big deal. I've got a long way to go. I just really doubt I can get there.

I do not think you have to talk at AA I think you just HAVE to show it and listen and read a book and work it. Then I think you want to talk but it is NOT required.

You were "someone" once...think back to what you used to be then, what your original spirit felt like before it was broken.
The irony is you can recapture that spirit because it's never gone, just buried somewhere.
Oh and by the way, you have done much more than enter a post under an assumed name on a website...you have taken the first step on your way back.
Don't underestimate the power of the written word....
You won't recover it overnight, but if you keep searching for it, it will come back.

Tigerlilly…
My grand sponsor, (a sponsor is someone who has done the steps, and will help you to do them yourself, and a grand sponsor is just his or her sponsor) told me that the pain and despair I was feeling are God’s gift. In fact, they may be the only gifts I was capable of receiving then. The utter demoralization at depth you are feeling is a good thing, even if you can’t see it as so right now.

None of us came into the program on a winning streak. None of us were waking down the street, sun shining, birds singing, not a cloud in the sky, and thinking, “how can I top off this perfect day?” “I know, I‘ll go to my first AA meeting”

That is not how it happened. We needed to be beaten to our knees. Alcohol and drugs needed to put us through the wringer. We needed to feel all the things you are feeling right now in order to become willing. It seems that unrelenting pain is necessary for sots like us.

You have two choices. And only two choices. Adopt a simple set of spiritual principals, and live them day to day, or continue to drink and drug and feel the like you feel now for the rest of your life. Active alcoholism never gets better on it’s own. It only gets worse.

Honey, you are free to do as you please. Take your false pride (I have no self-worth, no self-confidence and no self esteem at this point, that is just your false pride turned inside out) and with it, run your life right into the ground, or you can do the next right thing and find that AA meeting. It’s your call.

Richard

the problem with alcohol is that it takes over your personality, your characteristics, mannerisms, emotions etc, it makes you feel like you have no self esteem, no self worth or confidence. and it does this to keep you coming back for more. you can beat this tigerlilly.

you dont need money to get over this addiction, there are charities/government funded projects for those who cant afford to pay for it. or try using the money you would spend on alcohol on therapy instead. turn the situation around.

you are not weak at all, i can see so much strength within you, its just being crushed by the alcohol problem.

please dont feel ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of. all these feelings you are currently feeling are natural, they are all the feelings your body and mind are trying to rid itself of, thats why it is showing you them now, so you can deal with it. your true self knows the strength that is required and it knows you have it. please listen to it and fight this thing.

i have all my faith in you tigerlilly, and i will continue to be here for support should you ever want it.

take care and stay strong

simon

AA is free. They pass a basket but you never have to put money in it. And the chairs are pretty strong, they hold anyone up for an hour, even the weakest, to listen to the solution.

I can't put into words of what I feel and know, what your post meant . . .
Can I at least send you a (((((((((( Tigerlilly ))))))))) ?
I know, when I first came here, "hugs" seemed weird,even uncomfortable,but when I got to know many members here, that awkward feeling sort of dissapated (sp?) feeling most were sincere? Does that make any sense? Just asking, cause so often I do not feel I make much sense to some.
Take care, and try to go easy on yourself.
DE

Yes, sooooooo understand!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't had a substance abuse problem, but i think it's very brave of you to reach out tigerlily. Now keep reaching, go to the AA meetings as suggested, and come here for additional support. You're needn't be alone in this.

To Dark Eyes,
Thank you. that is what I need right now. SUPPORT. I cant tell you how much it means to me to have ANYONE say: I know what you are going through. That's all I'm asking right now. I'm in the "I'm all alone phase." I'm in the "I can't do it phase". I don't need to hear that I need to get myself to AA. I need to hear "I've been there" stories, or better yet, I need to hear the "I'M THERE" stories because I've felt enough shame and guilt in my life. I don't need that for recovery.
You need more people like Dark Eyes giving hope and love to people on this site.
All these people who preach to me, save it for Sunday morning services, Ok? IF you have never been an addict and have a kind message, it's welcomed, HOWEVER, I don't want to hear from those of you who have never been gripped so tightly in the clutches of addiction. You don't get it, and you don't belong in this board. if you were/are an addict, I want/need to hear it. Otherwise, F you and your crystals, your religion, and your superior attitude.
I'm an addict not your next freakin' church project.

Tiger,
There is something to men working with men, and women working with women. It seems we approach solving problems just a little too differently. When you started out, you asked for support. I misread that as you looking for a solution to your problem. My bad.

Thank God for good people like Darkeyes. Her kind words were what you were looking for. And I am glad you found them.

I am an alcoholic, I come from a long line of alcoholics, and I do understand what you are gong through, I really do. And when I first started to look for help, I like you wanted people to tell me that everything was going to be OK.

But that’s not what they told me. They told me that if nothing changes, nothing changes. They told me that if I wanted to be happy again, I needed to get into action. But then again, that was man to man.

Best of luck my friend, and keep coming back, that was something else they told me.
Richard

Reality is reality and the reality is, it doesn't matter what you say, I'm an active alcoholic AND a drug addict (don't forget that little tid-bit), and that's all I am.
I mean, yeah, people can say "Get help". Well, I don't have the funds for it. "Go to AA". You think a bunch of alcoholic sob stories are going to move me to sobriety? Not likely.
I've been on drugs since I was 14. I'm pushing 40 now. Yeah, I'm into Valium now, but it's hardly harmless.
I guess, my point is, what is there left for those of us who can't afford treatment, those of us who have multiple addictions, those of us whose "support base" is either family members who are closet alcoholics or "friends" who would drop us like last season's trend if they knew? What's left? AA. or NA both are just as much breeding grounds for new drinking buddies/drug connections as is any bar or tattoo parlor.
I mean, really, when you are poor and and addict, your family is f'd up and you have no real friends, feeling extremely vulnerable and still using even when you wake up and say "today is the first day I don't use" which I have the last 2 weeks. What do you do?
I'm not the only one who has felt like this. I'm not the only one who has been there, but I sure as hell feel like it. And don't give me that man crap. It's different when you can tell someone you know and trust and care about face to face "I'm an alcoholic" than it is when you have to be completetely in the closet about it to everyone. There is a difference when you have the self esteem to think you deserve better as opposed to when you think "no one else cares, why should I?" There is a difference when you add drugs to the equation.
I'm not saying it was easy for you. I know it wasn't but we are not in the same place right now, and we probably never were, and gender has nothing to do with it. You can be compassionate or you can be arrogant. That's *your* choice. I can't be sober with a glib or judgmental comment.
What did you do to get sober? Did you just smack yourself in the head one day? How much money did it cost you to be sober? Did it occur to you that you're lucky to have had what it took? How addicted were you and to how many substances? What was it like having *anyone* to confide in? Was it nice? I'm sure it was.
Forgive me if I sound angry, but you should know better being an addict, especially if you really are an addict, you are vulnerable to a relapse, and you could be in my position regardless of your gender.

Hi Tigerlilly,

(I like your name, btw.)

This is just a question, not a put down or anything like that. No strings attached to it at all.

Have you tried AA?

I wish you the best,

Jan

Tigerlilly,

This is the last time I'm gonna post. I understand when there's no battle to be fought with anyone. Until you're open to our help, it's pointless. I'm just going to say one more thing about what I'm seeing, and then I'm done.

All I'm hearing is contempt prior to investigation. I'm hearing that your story is worse then anyone else's out there. I'm hearing that you're unique. I'm hearing that you feel totally alone in the world. You're not alone. And if you really want to find the story of someone who had it worse then you but still managed to get sober, you'll find it.

We might sound harsh, we might sound glib to you. But we've seen enough people who aren't open to suggestions who usually only respond to harsh realities. Those who don't respond end up dead. Those who think they are hopeless causes make that the truth for them. Your addiction is winning. It's the addiction telling you that you have no support, that you can't do rehab, that you can't do AA. It's the addiction speaking. It's not you. It has you locked down in a dark whole allowing you to feel nothing but despair. If you don't grab on to a brief source of light sometime soon, you'll be lost for good. We've seen in all too often. Drug addicts and alcoholics succombing to the disease and ending up dead. That's why our comments may sound harsh to you. We can see your future if you keep on, because we've seen it in countless others. Your addiction is telling you you're beyond help. Maybe if you quit listening to it for 5 minutes and let one of us in, you'll have a chance. I'm scared for you and I don't even know you. I want you to know also, that you help me by posting your struggles. You remind me that I could be right back there in a heart beat. Relapse is an arm's length away for me, just like anyone else, no matter how much time sober they have.

I'm in fear for you. I hope you'll let that little bit of light in and let us help.

Rayna

PS-Ok I lied, one more thing, would you mind telling me what part of the country you're in? I might be able to help get you into a rehab that won't cost anything. You can PM me your city and state if you like. I have a network of people across the country who will always help a struggling addict/alcoholic, even poor ones.

Tigerlilly... of course you are NOT alone.. though I'm sure it feels that way. You can have support IRL too... it's up to you...

I don't have an abuse problem, though a few doctors tried to pin that on me..and the feeling is horrible, I know....

but you are not your addictions...you do need therapy and support IRL too.. to find out why you are "self medicating"... must be some heavy stuff you are dealing with. IMO if you are that strong to cope in any way... then you can get out of the situation you are in. It won't be easy. It won't be fast. But you can do it... and we here at PC will help.. if you want, and if you let us.

Sometimes we have to do things for ourselves even when we don't feel like it, and maybe not even want to.

Ray, good stuff.

Tiger, if I were you I would take her up on her offer. What do you have to lose? Things already suck, how much worse could they get for reaching out when someone extends the hand of help? Do whatever you want to do, no one is going to make you do anything, just remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

I’ll try to make this short, but you asked a couple of good questions, lets see if I can answer them all.

#1 “You think a bunch of alcoholic sob stories are going to move me to sobriety?” Nope! That will have just about no effect, but working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, now that is another question entirely. That simple process has saved more hopeless alcoholics/addicts than any other program, rehab, or medical intervention, period!

#2 What's left? AA? A breeding ground for drinking buddies/drug connections? Remember Tiger; the rooms are full of the sickest people among us. Some of us get sponsors, and make this step work part of our lives, and in return, get our lives back, but most of us don’t. The sad reality is, most people in our position just go on drinking and drugging for the rest of our lives.

#3 this is the one that struck me, this is the one I get very well. This one was me. “Still using even when you wake up and say, "Today is the first day I don't use". That my dear is the best question you asked. The simple fact that we don’t believe we are powerless over our next hit or drink trips up more people trying to get clean and sober than anything else. How do I tell it no, and make it stick? We (read the lucky ones) start with admitting we don’t possess that ability to tell it no and make it stick. Left to my own will power, I would be drunk. I know that. That fact has saves my *** more times than I can count.

#4 “It's different when you can tell someone you know and trust and care about face to face "I'm an alcoholic" Tiger, that is what a sponsor is for, Someone you trust, and can tell the whole truth to. It feels good to get all the crap out in the open.

#5 “we are not in the same place right now, and we probably never were,” True enough, but we, all alcoholics/addicts are more alike than we are different. We really are. We all of us have a great deal in common.

#6 “What did you do to get sober?” I walked into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in the fall of 1998, hung over and scared to death. I didn’t know what else to do. I was a daily drunk, on the verge of throwing my family and every thing else I gave a damn about in my life away in order to maintain my access to alcohol. I would tell you I loved my children more than my arms, and I suppose it was and still is true, but the fact was I loved the buzz more. It always came first, always. They suggested 90 meetings in 90 days, and to get a sponsor. Like I said, I had run out of good ideas, so I said OK.

#7 “How much money did it cost you to be sober? $5.50, that was the price of a Big Book back then, it will cost you maybe $7.00 today. Where was then and still is now no additional out of pocket. OK, they pass the basket, to cover the cost of the coffee, but you don’t need to put in a dime. The ONLY requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking and drugging. Real simple.

#8 “How addicted were you and to how many substances? At one time or another… Heroin in Viet Nam, strung out big time. Crystal Meth in Germany, with a syringe, that is the worst drug on the planet. It does more damage to the body and mind that anything else. Lots of LSD stationed in the US. The Army in the late 60s was a mess. After that, it was mostly alcohol, a bit of cocaine, and lots of reefer. But through it all, alcohol was always my fall back plan. Alcohol was always in the picture somewhere.

#9 “What was it like having *anyone* to confide in? It felt and still feels better than you imagine. Tiger, you don’t want to miss out on it.

It’s OK that you are angry, anger is a classic form of fear, and living your life as it is now ought to scare the hell out of you. And the prospect of change, fundamental change that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous requires is very scary as well.

Just don’t let the contempt prior to investigation Raynaadi talked about keep you on the outside looking in. Join the winning side; again, I ask the question, what do you have to lose?

This one got a bit long, but you asked a some good questions.

Richard

“How much money did it cost you to be sober? $5.50, that was the price of a Big Book back then, it will cost you maybe $7.00 today.

My book was bought for me, by another alcoholic in the room who wanted to see me get better. My sobriety cost no money.

I am sorry your having a problem. As for me all the answers are in the Big Book Here is a site you may be able to find some answers. http://www.12steps.org/

Thanks so much sweetie...for this being your last post.