[niko851]

<font color="#000088"> Hi all -

My story/issues/health is probably not going to be a surprise to this forum. I'm 28 years old, have chronic panic disorder w/agoraphobia, bi-polar (although I have attempted to hide this from eveyrone, including doctors), lost my home and just about everything I have due to not being able to hold a job (went through my whole savings to live the last year or so), and I cannot keep a job.

HX:
My condition has progressed to the point that I do not even WANT to leave the house (I'm currently living w/my brother and his fiance), I am scared to death to be in the car and/or drive, although I do it anyway by 'zombying' myslef out w/Xanax, I do the same to just semi-function at my current job, my thoughts are scattered (I apologize in advance and I'm sure you can already tell), I lose track of my thoughts, time, etc., hearing the phone ring sets me off, as the minutes pass for me to get in the car to go to work I get 'riled' up, I go through 'fits' anywhere, I get severely depressed/angry at any given moment, and I feel as if life is not worth living.

I have struggled financially, again due to my inability to keep a job (last one I got fired from bcuz of taking time off RIGHT after being hired since I kept flipping out in the car; this happens quite a bit and I always always pull off the road when I feel 'it' coming on), which is going to end up putting me on the streets any day now... Even writing this has caused me to have to stop, catch my breath, etc. as I went into a panic attack when I got onto the site, again when I started the thread, and right bfore this last sentence. I'm a basket case and I REALLY BELIEVE that!!! My ONLY relief is that of a Xanax - of which I am 'supposed' to take TID (3X/d), which is FAR from sufficient for me to make it through a day... Add a little drama to the equation and I'm in 'hiding' for as long as I can - I usually leave ONLY to get to work and quickly back home.. I've been on zoloft, effexor, paxil, prozac - all of them - and while they DO help some in RE: Depression, this medication 'cocktail' is really getting old....

Ladies/Gentlemen - I REALLLY need some advice - any advice - as to how to survive. I do NOT want to be in this world if this is what I have to look forward to every day. I'm disgusted w/myself, hate myself, am very embarassed, and have little to no support from the few people in my family. They think I am just 'not wanting to work' (that's the latest accusation), I'm a "pill-head" bcuz I am prescribed narcotics, and I suppose they believe i am just lazy. Well, they have NOT walked one step in these shoes nor have they lost over $300,000.00 of THEIR belongings... I supported them financially when they needed it - and now all I do is catch hell for (recently) losing the house, job-to-job ordeals, etc. etc.

I HATE HATE HATE that I even have to contemplate the disability route, but I just cannot go on anymore living this way... Whenever I do not have to work (on the weekends), all I do is stay at home. Going out is out of the question; going to the store is out of the question, although i will do it if I am able to zombie myself for lack of better words. All i think about is how to get home quickly, how to get in/out of the store quickly, and I have even left the shopping cart in the line bcuz it was too long, the whole place started getting really loud, I could feel my heart racing, the shakes started, and I knew i had to get home right then and there... I actually feel somewhat 'safe' in the car - just sitting in it that is - whenever the attacks come on. A five-minute trip aroudn the corner could take 30 minutes, depending on how many cars are coming (and I'll sit and sit to count them, waiting for the right moment where there are not many cars, etc.), then wait in the parking lot for only a few people to be around, hoping that I can get into the store w/out someone coming close to me. Inside the grocery, I'll avoid people at all costs - waiting at the end of the aisles so they will be further away... All the while the place starts getting louder whenever more people are around or Lord knows what starts to trigger it.

At work, this new job I got has only 2-3 people in the office. My boss is totally unaware of my condition as I attribute it to my physical injury (I have damaged discs in my back due to a slip/fall where I am in constant pain and cannot sit/stand/walk easily as is) so they think I am not a mental case. Yes, there is a physical problem as well, all over this injury, which limits my abilities. I am a Mechanical Engineer, primarily for HVAC (Heating & Cooling), of which I cannot perform the physical duties for, and cannot even get employment in the trade as a result of the physical duties. My own company, that I put my all into, FAILED after 6 years bcuz I just could not deal with the people nor could I handle the physical work... All these 'things' that contribute(d) to my "going downhill" just adds up and adds up...

I WANT to work and prosper in it; I HATE that I am thinkin about this route bcuz I see what **** you go through... SSA is against you will do their damnest to find one - just ONE thing so they can deny you and make you suffer that much longer... I know bcuz the STD cut me off after doctor #21 said there is 'nothing that bad' wrong w/me to where I could not function properly with medication. Well, they don't LIVE in this body nor do THEY go through what I do every second of the day!!! It also kills me to know that other people are in this sinking ship and we are helpless!! ALL of this stuff that has added up over the years has and continues to take its toll on me. My relationship is going to crap, however he's supportive - but just doesn't 'think' this is that bad and i'm just making it out to be worse than what it is. This is bcuz I 'play OK' around the house too - I'm WAYYY to embarassed to proclaim I'm sick. Whenever I am in a really bad state, I always say it is something with my back to avoid any connection to what is going on in my head...

I'm even going to have to find another Primary Doctor bcuz she is totally ignoring the psych. aspects of my problems and w/out the referrals (new insurance now... doesn't cover SQUAT), I can't get seen anywhere..

Anywya, I could go on forever and ever and probably upset everyone in this forum. I again apologize that I have wrote such a long post. I just can't help but get it all out in the open - as much as I can - so someone can point me in the right direction. Furthermore, I know I wont be going through any of this alone now that I found this group.

I thank EVERYONE in advance who is wiling to respond/help me in this. I will disclose anything/everything you ask bcuz being honest is the only way anything will get done.
Niko </font>

[pegasus]

niko851,

Welcome to Psych Central!

You are not alone.

Anxiety is very distressing and disabling. Do you know what started it off in the first place?

I'm sorry that you are suffering and hiding away. Fear and panic attacks are awful. But despite this it sounds like you are trying hard to do the best you can.

I hope you will think about seeing a therapist so that you can work through these problems.

Thinking of you.

[DaveyJones]

Hi niko!

I don't blame you for feeling scared and confused...you are having to deal with so much. Honestly, I'm surprised that you keep making it out to work at all--that really says a lot about your courage and determination.

I know how frustrating it is to be in your position...over the last 10 years I have watched bipolar disorder take everything that I have had--jobs, businesses, my house and family. Gotta go, tornado sirens...I'll finish later.

DJ

[EJ711]

Niko -

I'm sorry things have been so overwhelming for you in recent times/years.

Don't be afraid to access disability benefits. Doctor John has written articles on this.

I think you are smart to only discuss your physical challenges with your employer.

Welcome and keep us posted. There are some very knowledgeable and supportive people on this site.

EJ

[kimmydawn]

Hi, niko, and welcome! No, you are not alone. We're here and we're listening.

I had continual panic and it's disabling. I, too, did the med route for years. I, too, had a physical condition.

What helped me was biofeedback therapy and one on one psychotherapy. The meds were getting me nowhere. After the biofeedback, and several months of therapy, I was able to go off the xanax and antidepressants even...after years. I did keep it in the cabinet, just in case, for about six months then was able to throw them out.

It IS possible to get past this. We literally had to trick my brain into not having the panic that it was so used to acting on.

I know how it feels, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this for so long now. There is hope. Hang on.

Please, please go to your local community mental health center and speak with someone ASAP.

Don't hesitate to PM as well.

I'm glad you found us.

kd

hi, i really understand what you're feeling. i, too, have been through some very life changing events and the anxiety that i felt with them was overpowering.

i understand your not wanting to leave the house. it doesn't feel safe "out there"...........please continue to post here and i know you'll get a lot of support. don't HESITATE to post. xoxo pat

[DaveyJones]

Sorry I had to cut off my post...the bad clouds went away!

You mention in your post that you are bipolar...if so, I think it would be good to treat that aggressively, as it has a biological basis that can cause other problems.

Please don't be afraid to accept these problems, but as you do, you must learn to reject the guilt that accompanies them. You are not weak, and you are not a failure. You do have a serious illness that has had major implications for your life, but that is NOT your fault. Your recovery will require the support of a psychiatrist, a therapist, medication, peer support, family support and a belief on your part that things will get better. Please don't wait too long to apply for SSI/SSDI like I have. Like you, I was too proud to do it...but it is not shameful to ask for help, especially when you really need it. Now, I am months away from seeing any help...had I applied when I got out of the hospital, the process would be almost done, and I wouldn't be living hand-to-mouth as I am now.

Please take care of yourself, niko...don't be afraid to ask for the help that you need.

DJ

[lavendersteph]

hi nico i'm steph it may sound weird but i think we two peas in the same pod i'm going throught the exact same thing i have suffered with anxiety since i was a child i did the same hid it for the most the most troubling thing with anxiety is in my case it kind of went a way for a bit then came back a few years later with full force i'm also agoraphobic i prefer staying in my home maybe it's because thats where i feel more safe i went through the whole ordeal with getting a job and not being able to keep it due to my anxieties they take over i know how you must feel i hate it when family start judging and in way start even making remarks like oh your lazy blah blah blah etc.. it hurts because only when you do have anxiety this bad they can not understand how we live i live in constant fear i'm chronic worrier especially about my health but sometimes i just sit down on a bed and as ridicoulous as this may sound i grab some crayons and draw or color you can't imagine how relaxinfg it is . i hope you do get some kind of relief life sucks with anxiety if you ever just want to bent out and just talk till you can no longer just private message me here and i'll respond you are not alone trust me i know how you feel i'm 23 and have lost every job i have had lol

[Azalysa]

Hi, Niko!

I'm so glad you found this forum. You will find support and understanding here.

I have quit most of the jobs I have had in my life due to what I now know is an anxiety disorder along with bipolar II and depression. I felt guilty, couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and felt like I was letting my loved ones down.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression, Recurrent 15 years ago and put on meds, but still had the issue with getting panicky resulting in quitting jobs. After another major episode beginning last fall, I FINALLY realized my main issue with jobs is the anxiety and have FINALLY been put on daily Ativan.

I've lived with the gut-wrenching, paralyzing effects of anxiety, so can relate to you in that aspect.

Please come talk here anytime...feel free to PM me if you like. And, if you don't mind, I'll keep you in my prayers.

[PetulantWolf]

Hi Niko. Sorry to hear youre going through all of this. I have a lot of the same issues..Ihave a hard time getting to and from work. I took three months off for depression when my husband died nad now Im labeled so I agree, just tell them its "physical" problems. I give youa lot of credit for trying. Its a thousand times harder for us to get through the day then people without these problems, we have to try so much harder- and we are called lazy! If you cant do it, then you cant do it- but my experience has been thatthe more I get to work and the more succcesses I have- even when Im a basket case, if I do it and I "survive" it snowballs into more successes. And the more I hide, the more I have to hide. That snowballs too.
Just take baby steps...one thing at a time, one day at a time..and dont think about everything, your whole life, your whole future at once. That would drive anybody nuts. I take xanax and Paxil, but when my anxiety really peaked I was taking Ativan too. It made me less zombie-like and made me just feel normal. Ill do my best to be here for you.

Hugs

Carolyn

[lostone]

Hello!!

Well let me first start off by saying that It takes strength to reach out and ASK for help!!
About 6 months ago, my bf and I both lost our jobs, our car took a $@#%#^, needed a new engine (which we couldn;t afford) and we got evicted from our home, and to top it all off I found out my child had to have surgery! I woke up one morning and out of nowhere, I found myself in a constant state of panic! I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy 24\7. I had a SEVERE fear that I was dying. I couldn't do anything in my life anymore. My bf didn't understand or even TRY.

I went to doc after doc, I checked myself into a hospital. I didn't want to live like that anymore, but I didn't want to be on meds either.
I finally started taking ATIVAN, and am SOOOOO glad that I did. It makes me feel like me again, and lets me be calm enough to think straight, relax.
I too have lost every job I have ever had, and have lost many things and people in my life due to this illness, but remember that IS what this is an ILLNESS. you have to do whatever it takes to survive, and if that means disability than by all means due it, don't be imarassed or ashamed, because you are SOOO not alone.
If there is anything that I can help with please PM me whenever.

Thinking of you

[wisewoman]

What a great supportive thread. I agree with everyone. I really want to emphasize getting proper treatment with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. And disability is there for a reason, good luck.

[niko851]

WOW.... I am TOTALLY amazed at how EACH and EVERY one of you have taken time to address me and my issues persoanlly... Unlike so many doctors and therapists, not to say thatt they are all 'bad', but they have 15 minute intervals and I need about 5 hours (LOL)... Least I'm smiling now.....

You all have been FAR more receptive and understanding than people I have known for years... Well, I should say the FEW people that are still around me... Most are afraid - given I 'go off' at any time, etc etc... The bi-polar aspect, as DJ was saying before the tornados tried to get him (I live in Indianapolis and we're going through the same nonsense right now - I actually wish I could get sucked up into one, but my luck, I'd be spit back out right where it picked me up), is what I REALLY belive is the problem right this second... If i am wrong, you all know how to correct me, that is for sure!!!

I'm losing days, time, etc.... I don't even remember having a 3 hour conversation with a telemarketer the other day (I honestly cannot remmeber the day) and I am afraid I have purchased something that is WELL beyond anything I can spend... I'm not working, I have to muster up the strength to get to the doctor today, and see what else is in my near future.... I just know, in my heart, that they're going to lock me up bcuz of the recent episode.... I think I'm rapid-cycling, but the mroe I read on it, the more I get 'worked up' so to speak...

Does Rapid-Cycling constitute a change (either to/from) BP I or II? I know I am in BP I, or at least back in it, as the rage stage lasted a while... Loss of memory, now I am just so dang depressed and scared that I do NOT want to go on like this one more moment....

I also agree with everything else that was said about meds, etc... I will try anything once, even agian if they are certain it is worth it... If I could find a receptive physician, therapist, psych, etc., I'd probably be in much better shape than I am now... My insurance will deny ANY further psych. treatment as i have already used up the limit for 2006... It's only March.... So now I'm stuck having to find money, which certainly doesn't fall from the sky, JUST to try and get the help I am BEGGING for....

About all tha is working so far is how you all ahve taken time out of your schedules to help me, talk to me, and be there for me.... I am SO grateful for each and every one of you in that respect..... All I know is that this is better than ANY therapist session I have had so far.... If I could only feel like I wasn't going to flip out in a group setting, I'd give that a try....

I'll get to each and every one of ya indivudally shortly - have a SLEW of catching up to do since I was scared to even come back on here - I figured everyone would tell me where to go, how to get there, and even offer to do it!!! How WRONG I WAS!!!

Thank you ALL SO MUCH again... You are all very kind and supportive - just what I need
Niko

[niko851]

Hi Azalysa -

You can pray all youwant for me... That's all I have right about now - and this forum that is..... I'm in a depressed state right now, as I just got out of a rage/manic episode, and I believe I'm rapid-cycling... I can't keep reading on it - it causes me to get too worked up bcuz I keep thinking that I'm going downhill and going downhill fast.... Nevertheless, I have no choice but to get to the Dr. today and hoepfully he won't blow me off and sign my short-term DB stuff so I can concentrate on getting better, not spending 4 hours in the AM 'gearing' myself up to try and get to work, then work, and repeat to get back home....

Thank you again... I truly appreciate it..
Niko

[niko851]

<font color="#000088"> Hi Jen -
Thank you for taking the time to reply.... I DO appreciate that... I wanted to ask you about the checking yourself in aspect.... When I felt the manic side kicking in (anxiety skyrockets, then I just get so 'strong' feeling that I can do just about anything), I TRIED to get into a hospital and they would NOT take me bczu they said I wan't a threat to myself or others... Guess I should have lied and said I was going to kill myself... Apparently there is some law on the books here that prohibit hospitals from committing someone, even if they are willing, unless they are an imminent threat to him/her self or others... Pretty sad when a person is WILLING to go in and they won't take you... So, Ihave to figure out a way to get to my dr. today, in hopes that he will do the right thing(s) and address this ASAP... Just knowing that I may not have another roof over my head adds about 300 pounds more to what is going on already... Like ANY of us need additional drama in our lives....

Whatever happens today, I'll be sure to jump back on here and let you all know as well.... Something has to be done... Something.... Now that I have utilized ALL my 'yearly limits' with my insurance, I know for a fact I'll get turned away like I have in the past... This is ridiculous what you have to go through JUST to get a doctor to acknowledge your existence....

Anyway, thank you again and I hope tohear from you again.... At least I am not in a manic state and I can somewhat concentrate and TRY to get the care I need so bad right now - even if that means a vacation in the hospital.... Niko </font>

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((Niko)))))))))))))))))

I just realizing that we're not alone, we can find some strength to move forward sometimes. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Isn't it so cool to see that others care and share in your experience. That's what's so great for me. I learn from things that they share, etc.

We're still here. We're still listening...

KD

[lavendersteph]

niko i know what you r going through is really hard i right now don't have insurance am unemployed but i went to my local health clinic mental clinic here in south florida and they do an evaluation to see how much to charge you i was amazed at how kind they were to me i only pay 3 dollars everytime i see my psychologist and 6 dollars for the meds which is awesome they may be able to help you look into going to your county mental health center in your area my mental clinic also offers me this thing that iff i think i'm not well at home they come over there to talk to you and if you r in bad shape they take you back to the clinic for a few days .. i hope this helps you out a bit niko just hang in there ..

steph

[DaveyJones]

Hi Niko...I hope you are doing OK today...I know how scary things can be, especially when you don't have anywhere to turn.

First, about your condition..."rapid cycling", according to the DSM-IV-TR (the manual used for diagnosis by the profession) is 4 or more episodes of either mania or depression in a year. Many people, however, cycle more rapidly, even several times a day. Bipolar I is diagnosed when a patient has even one manic episode. The criteria for Bipolar II is a major depressive episode and a hypomanic episode - like mania, but not nearly as severe. So you see, you can be a rapid cycling BP I or II. It depends on where your peaks and valleys are.

Now, getting help...it is hard when you don't have insurance. Here is what I recommend...find your local chapter of NAMI (www.nami.org) or DBSA (www.DBSAlliance.org ). They shuld be able to put you in touch with doctors or mental health facilities that work on a sliding scale fee or have the access to government money for those who can't pay themselves. That's how I found my current provider. It took awhile, but I was finally able to get quality care. They should also be able to help you find a facility that will take you. That can be tricky...the suicide question is kind of a triage method to make sure they can provide for those who need the beds the worst. I doubt there is a law that comands this, it is just a way of rationing care to the most serious cases. I could be wrong, though. Sometimes a step down facility will take you if they are not full. Though you are definitely having problems, it is encouraging that you are not having suicideal ideation...if you do, and you have a plan and means to carry it out, get to a hospital pronto, OK?

If you need to see someone immediately, call your old psychiatrist. Tell them your circumstances...sometimes they'll work something out.

I wish you good luck, and I hope you can find the local support that you need. In the meantime, lean on us...these are great people here, and I know, they helped me when I felt like you do.

take care,
DJ

[Azalysa]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
niko851 said:
Hi Azalysa -

You can pray all youwant for me... I can't keep reading on it - it causes me to get too worked up... Nevertheless, I have no choice but to get to the Dr. today and hoepfully he won't blow me off and sign my short-term DB stuff so I can concentrate on getting better, not spending 4 hours in the AM 'gearing' myself up to try and get to work, then work, and repeat to get back home....

Thank you again... I truly appreciate it..
Niko

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You are most welcome, Niko and prayers are heading your way.

I'm the type that loves to research most anything, so when I get put on a new med by the time I've read up on it online, I have myself in a tizzy! My T. and pdoc told me not to do that so much since it seems to trigger me.

Praying that things go well with your Dr. From my recent experience, when we get really ill to the point it interferes with our daily functioning (and it sounds like we both have/had trouble getting into work) then, like any other physical illness....we need time to recuperate. I hope your Dr. will write you out for SD disability.

Please keep us updated.

[lostone]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
niko851 said:
<font color="#000088"> Hi Jen -
Thank you for taking the time to reply.... I DO appreciate that... I wanted to ask you about the checking yourself in aspect.... When I felt the manic side kicking in (anxiety skyrockets, then I just get so 'strong' feeling that I can do just about anything), I TRIED to get into a hospital and they would NOT take me bczu they said I wan't a threat to myself or others... Guess I should have lied and said I was going to kill myself... Apparently there is some law on the books here that prohibit hospitals from committing someone, even if they are willing, unless they are an imminent threat to him/her self or others... Pretty sad when a person is WILLING to go in and they won't take you... So, Ihave to figure out a way to get to my dr. today, in hopes that he will do the right thing(s) and address this ASAP... Just knowing that I may not have another roof over my head adds about 300 pounds more to what is going on already... Like ANY of us need additional drama in our lives....

Whatever happens today, I'll be sure to jump back on here and let you all know as well.... Something has to be done... Something.... Now that I have utilized ALL my 'yearly limits' with my insurance, I know for a fact I'll get turned away like I have in the past... This is ridiculous what you have to go through JUST to get a doctor to acknowledge your existence....

Anyway, thank you again and I hope tohear from you again.... At least I am not in a manic state and I can somewhat concentrate and TRY to get the care I need so bad right now - even if that means a vacation in the hospital.... Niko </font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Niko,,
I wasn't a threat to myself or people around me either, but I told them that I just couldn't cope with life with everyday chores, I couldn't get myself up off the couch. I TRULY thought I was going INSANE and it scared me. I wish you the best luck, and Know that I am praying for you.. pm me whenever..

best wishes