Boyfriend with Aspergers - I need help understanding

Hello,

I started dating my boyfriend a few months ago (he's 31) and he told me that he was diagnosed with aspergers when he was in high school; however, he has never seen a therapist since or taken any meds for it. The unique situation here is that I have bipolar type 1 so as you can imagine we have some difficulty communicating. He seems to have a hard time expressing his emotions or listening to me when I try to talk to him seriously. He shuts me down and says there is nothing more to talk about and says that I have to work through any issues/problems I have and learn learn to deal with them myself like he does (and NOT see a therapist or take any of my meds for bipolar because they stunt people emotionally and doesn't allow development and only act as a crutch). So I'm wondering, Is this behavior typical for an adult with aspergers (inability to talk about anything serious/emotional) or is he being a complete JERK! He said he wants to keep our relationship 'light' because it's getting too heavy but I'm seriously ready to just walk out....Any advice on helping me understand? I do want to see if he would be willing to go to my next appt to see my Psychologist because she would be a professional mediator for us to communicate/talk. But I doubt he would go for that...

I think it could be a little of both. what you quote is the same bs that ignorant people who don't understand mental illness spew. he may be using this as excuses to validate what his own disorder is telling him to steer clear of because he is unable to cope. either way I say follow your gut because you will forever lack the support you need for your own mental health. take care.

Thanks Kaliope, that's what I've been thinking... I'm at the point where I don't want to waste anymore time on guys who can not make the full commitment to support me emotionally.

If you want a cuddly and emotional guy, maybe an aspie isn't the right thing. I find that people can be quite demanding if I don't overly express everything I feel about them. It's like nothing I DO for them matters unless it is followed by sugarcoated words.

Also a lot of aspies grew up HAVING to take care of themselves and look out for themselves during harsh circumstances. No one would help. I think that can cause a bitterness thinking no one else deserves help either.

Jimi - what do you mean by 'harsh' circumstances where you have to fend for yourself? I'm curious...again, I'm trying to understand my bf before I completely leave the relationship.

One part is the classic bullying most aspies seem to go through and no one cares because no one sees you as a person.

One part is if you actually verbalize, people think you can't feel "that" bad because you don't have all your body language with you, which turned me away from "help" many times.

Yeah, he was definitely bullied. But so was I, girls used to beat up on me as well as make fun of me. I used to fake being sick all the time so I wouldn't have to go to school. (I ate lunch in the library because I didn't have any friends). I can feel how painful that is... Kids can be so cruel. Thank you for your help; )

Most aspies don't see a therapist or take meds, the only time meds would be prescribed would probably be for autistic irritability. He sounds like a normal aspie and we aren't very easy to date. We are not always cuddley, we usually have strict routines, and sometimes we can lack empathy.

My psychologist told me not to give up on him so quickly and as a person with bipolar/schizoeffecive discorder, I understand how it feels to be misunderstood at times and sometimes quickly written-off, labeled, judged and stigmatized. I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago and had a hard, HARD, time coping at first but in the past year, I've learned what works for me in terms of identifying triggers and staying healthy. He's been very distant lately since we got in our first fight. I'm giving him his distance because that is what he wants right now (and I'm sure he needs). He gets social anxiety quite often and avoids social gatherings/interactions. Since I know he is unwilling to learn anything about bipolar (I doubt I could ever get him to watch a documentary about it ("Of Two Minds") so I've purchased a book titled: "22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome"...I hope it gives me some more insight into understanding this mysterious creature that is my boyfriend

Being on the other side of that equation (having been an aspie male in a relationship with a bipolar woman), I can tell you from experience that it's tough. There were times it felt like we were having two different conversations and each getting frustrated because the other wasn't understanding what we were saying, when the reality was it wasn't so much a conversation between me and her as it was a conversation between Asperger's and Bipolar.

Learning his language will greatly help your relationship. He might not say "I love you" on an hourly (or daily, or maybe even weekly) basis, but he'll talk for hours about his latest obsession and not understand why you don't care. This is not him being selfish; it's him wanting to share the joy he finds in his activity or interest with you.

We also focus more on doing as opposed to saying. So things like cooking dinner or checking your tire pressure or fixing the squeaky stair or optimizing your hard drive are all little ways we show we care. Also, we tend to be very literal, and 'love' is a very slippery word. We don't just 'love' our partners; we appreciate, cherish, admire, and respect them. So you put these two things together, and he compliments something you've done while not noticing your new hair style, and you think he's not noticing you, when in fact he is noticing-- and expressing his admiration of-- you, but the two of you are just seeing, or at least just more aware of, two different things.

We also like routines and stability. Having a regular 'date night' might not seem very romantic, but if he knows that every other Saturday is date night, he will be a lot more comfortable on those dates, will be prepared and thus less likely to be close to shutdown mode, and you might be surprised at the amount of planning he puts into it (I think of it as 'planned spontaneity').

An aspie/bipolar relationship has more hurdles than the typical relationship, but it can work. It's just a matter of knowing how your respective disorders affect your respective approaches to relationships and learning to accommodate each other while still being sure your emotional needs are met.

Thank you, Richard.

He sounds like a jerk with aspergers syndrome...but its not the aspergers syndrome that causes that. Its annoying he'd use that as an excuse for it.

Hellion,
Are you an Aspie? I don't think he's blaming it on it... He's a tough cookie to decipher.

Hi everyone, I really need your opinion, as it relates to what you guys have posted here. I've been diagnosed with Asperger's too (25 year old guy) and for the last few months I've been reading about relationships with people having Asperger's. I'm so stuck. I want to know whether I should pursue ever having a girlfriend in my life. I've never had one before. It sounds like it's very difficult for a girl to live with an Asperger's guy. Why I ask is because, I have felt love in my life before for someone, but, OK, it never went anywhere, she never found out (until later when I told her, huge mess...). But, I want to know if I should have a girlfriend/wife ever in my life. I know I can be a very loving guy if given the chance, but, considering all these communication barriers, I know that on my best day, I won't even hold a candle to a normal guy on his worst day. I know the girl will never get the emotional fulfilment out of the relationship she wants. How long could she take it before she seeks another guy, just for some normality? If I seek a relationship, aren't I being really selfish, since I know I can't fulfil her needs? It sucks being alone, but if it's the right thing to do, then I guess alone forever I shall have to be then .

Yeah, but I don't think I would tell someone to just suck it up and deal with it without any sort of support/mental health treatment regardless of if you need it or not....that attitude bothers me, and there are plenty of people without aspergers who have it as well....so I just don't see how his having aspergers would play into that particular attitude.

I want to add to "the fend for ourselves" bit. Bullying plays a really big part in it, but that's certainly not all that contributes to that sentiment. I know for me growing up was hell. Screaming because my mom would brush and wash my hair and it felt as though something was ripping my hair collectively from the roots while scratching the top of my head (I used to check if my head was bleeding after my mom brushed my hair). I was in pain but got told that "It doesn't hurt that bad, hold still or I'll give you a reason to cry.". I also got told to stop being a smart-*** for doing things exactly how someone told me to do them (look in the drawer under the microwave, I lifted the microwave up). I had no idea what I was doing wrong, but it seemed like I couldn't do anything right. Everything has to be put into steps for me too. So if someone told me for the first time to load a dishwasher, I would have to be shown step by step how to do it. I used this as an example because I was smacked upside the head and told to get out if I didn't want to help when I couldn't figure out where to put the little pods filled with soap, because one said liquid and the other side said powder. I wasn't being stupid, I just didn't know where the "pods" container was. Times these stupid incidents by everyday of your life and you start to learn to either hang back and observe, risk asking for help and becoming the annoyance, or looking what you can up ahead of time.

Also Hellion, he probably has a very valid reason to be skeptical of the mental health industry. Alot of Aspies I know that grew up in the 80's and 90's are, including myself. I've matured a bit in that view at this point, but I was horribly misdiagnosed and overmedicated, institutionalized in a residential facility (which does nothing for people with Aspergers except patronize them) all the while my labels made doctors invalidate my legitimate concerns and focus on things I wasn't having issues with or approaching them horribly wrong. For instance I have to keep moving and love to be upside down/spinning because it feels good and feels like spiders or jitters crawling through me when I'm sedentary. I was put on ADHD medication which threw those senses into overdrive and for 10 years I was stuck taking stimulants that made me aggressive (for which I was diagnosed as bipolar and put through another drug regimen, but then I had some sort of psychosis and so on and so on.). Many females with Asperger's have been misdiagnosed with BPD before being recognized as being on the spectrum.
Its hard to go ask these people for help when all they've done in the past is misinterpret your struggles as defiance, anti-social behavior, narcissism, and dependency/emotional instability.

I grew up in the 90's and have aspergers(though I did not find out till a few years ago), and I am also skeptical of the mental health industry...since there is a lot of prescription drug pushers and doctors that care much more about the pay-check than actually treating patients and helping them attain better mental health....much of the time it feels like they just throw an anti-depressant at you and you get hooked up with therapy that has half assed management so you end up having to switch therapists frequently, I had to deal with some ignorant doctors/staff during a trip to the psych ward....so yeah I know the mental health system sucks, isn't doing a very good job of actually helping people with mental illnessess, then there is all the social stigma on top of that.

I don't see how that sort of thing would make someone rationalize a person with legitimate issues needs to just 'suck it up and get over it' its likely unhealthy to be in a relationship with someone of that opinion...unless you don't require any validation for your feelings/experiences/difficulties...my opinion is people who say/think that are jerks....I am sure if everyone could just suck it up and get over it when it comes to mental health issues they would...but many of us can't.

I guess I don't see the correlation between what you're talking about, and the OP's boyfriend thinking if someone has issues they just need to magically get over it and fix them-self. I couldn't date someone who said stuff like that when I am having trouble with symptoms or am legitimately upset by something.

I think people still need help, and the system we have does a crap job of providing it, let along effective help. Also maybe if I wasn't bullied so much as a child I'd be better at 'fending for myself' I am sure there are others who get what I mean. Either way not trusting the mental health system and having aspergers are not reasons to be a jerk.

I think you guys are right: He's a jerk with Aspergers He has caused me great frustration lately and it's interfering with my mental stability and daily life in general. Ugh.

No need to reply/respond. I broke up with him. I've moved on...

Your experiences growing up seem quite similar to my own. I used to HATE getting my hair washed as a kid because to me it really felt like my mum had grown razor blades on her finger tips whilst washing my hair, but when I struggled or complained I was told to shut up and sit still because it wasn't that bad. I also really struggled with doing things without clear step by step instructions which got me into trouble from my dad a lot, he was always telling me off and saying I needed to "get my act together" or that I "lack common sense" etc because I was taking instructions literally and if I couldn't find what I thought I was looking for I got upset and confused.

Even now, as an adult of 28 (almost 29) I still have to confirm with my mum that I've set up the washing machine correctly for my laundry. In fact, just two weeks ago I got really confused because she had picked up laundry powder instead of the capsules. I've only ever used the capsules and I know that I just need to put one of them in at the back of the drum before loading my clothes. But when I saw the powder I didn't know where I was supposed to put it. Do I pour it into the drum? Do I pour it into the drawer with the fabric softener, if so do I put it in the left or right hand side of the drawer? I only know that the fabric softener goes in the middle section... I ended up not putting the laundry on because I had to wait to ask mum the next day as she was already in bed.

I had a job working in a kids toy shop for a few years a while back now and I was always getting pulled up by my manager for doing things 'wrong' even though I thought I'd followed the instructions perfectly and if I said as much I would get in even more trouble because surely I "must have known" what she meant when she said one thing but meant another. I ended up leaving that job because I was close to getting fired and it was just really stressing me out. I always got made to feel like an idiot and she wasn't afraid to point out my mistakes in front of customers, which I felt was inappropriate.

Without taking this thread off topic, stop selling yourself short.

The problem isn’t your Asperger’s Syndrome but your lack of confidence which is showing through in posts like these and you need to completely remove yourself from that cycle or things are only going to go from bad to worse for you going forward. I understand it isn’t easy and most of my childhood is full of memories of my Father putting me down because of my disabilities but I don’t let the opinions of narrow minded pricks like him dictate my life anymore and you shouldn’t either. I don’t know you or what you have been through in your life but from observing some of your posts on this forum you seem to have developed an inferiority complex where you believe people who are normal are better than you or superior because they are normal and you are not. They’re not and take it from a person that has spent years studying the concept of ‘normal’ to hide my disabilities being normal is boring.

It is like having to constantly follow a book of rules or playing a character in the script of a movie and you have to be so careful not to make any wrong moves or say one little thing out of place because if you do there is a good chance somebody will pick up on it. I used to hate having Asperger’s and I still do some days because it ****s with my head but you know what? If I was given the chance to choose out of being normal or being kooky now I would choose kooky any day because if there is one thing I have learned from my Wife who is even more kookier than me it is being kooky is fun and interesting and when you find a person that is just as kooky as you who you can let go and be crazy with you will see that and you will wish you were able to see that before and you didn’t listen to other people.

Having Asperger’s Syndrome does not mean you can’t be a good husband or a good Father and I love my daughter and my step daughter and almost everybody I know including my Wife always says I am a great Dad but my step daughter calling me Daddy is what proves that. I always make time for them and I stay at home more than my Wife to look after them and there are other people with disabilities like Asperger’s I have met that have children too and I can tell they’re not bad parents just by looking at the way they interact with their children and I have also met hundreds of ‘normal’ people that are horrible parents and my own Father is a good example. Only you and you alone can decide if you are going to be a good husband and a good Father but you need to start having confidence in yourself.

Contrary to popular belief an inferiority complex can be a good thing if you can take it and channel it into something you are good at. Focus on your talents and abilities and becoming the best ‘YOU’ that you can possibly be but don’t forget those people that say you can’t do something because you have disabilities because you need to show them that you can do anything and if there is one thing people like that despise more than a person with disabilities it is a person with disabilities that goes on to be more successful than them. You have the power and it all comes down to you and whether you want to spend the rest of your life being the retard they want you to be or the best person you want to be.

StbGuy, do not give up. I am married to an aspie and have been for 20 years .It just took a while to figure out what things he needs and how heal deals with certin issues.

He does seem to posess a coldness, and a lack of need to try to understand. HE is very regemented and as long as I realize what his areas of weakness are then things usually go pretty good. Just because you are aspie doesn;t mean you are doomed for life or that you can never be married or have a relationship, it just means that your partner should know about this from the get go.

In my opinion she needs to be someone who is self sufficient, not some one who is needy and be someone who is ok doing things alone. If those lines are cleared up immediately then there will be so much less in the ways of issues.

Aspies add a lot to a marriage as well though. They make great vacation planners, there organizational skills and need for routine help a lot. My H also manages the money. Because he is an aspie there is little wiggle room in the finances. Which has it's good points. So it is not all terrible. It is just an issues one has. We all have issues, and if we could all make others aware of them before marriage then things would be better for lots of us.

Just to add on to what Big Mama wrote.

Do you know any women that have a brother, sister, cousin or a friend with Asperger’s? The reason I ask is because it is so much easier to be with someone that already has an understanding of it than a person that is clueless as Big Mama pointed. My step daughter is Autistic and back when I met Hailey (my Wife) she knew more about my disabilities than me because she spent so much time studying all of them and that has been very helpful over the years. She currently runs a support group for people with children with disabilities in our area and I am always surprised by how many people turn up for it every week and I think people with disabilities are on the rise but back on the subject if you can find a woman like my Wife that really understands Asperger’s I think you will be fine.

It is important to note not everybody with Asperger’s Syndrome is the same and while some can be cold and appear to lack empathy my Wife says I am one of the most compassionate people she has ever known.

Thanks for all the feedback . Sadly, I don't think I've ever met someone with the same problem as mine, or someone with such a sibling. But, that's because I probably haven't met many people in my life, period, so there's that too. But, what you guys say makes a lot of sense, if someone who understands comes along, they will be able to love me. I think the problem is also that I am young, and I just don't think young people get it, unless it's pointed out by an older person (more life experience and who understands that the world is made up of very different people, and know that not everyone's the same). It's difficult to explain, but it's like the people my age, and when I was younger still, realized I was different but immediately thought there must be something "wrong" with me, hence they avoid me. You can't blame them, they don't understand. When you're young you don't understand anything of life, it's all confusing. They simply didn't understand me and it can actually make people afraid, this feeling of "unknown" or "confusing" and they just avoid it by avoiding me. People avoid things they don't understand. I don't get angry at others when they do it, I know they don't understand, I know it's got to be hard for them to "handle" me.

I appear very cold and hard on the outside, but I'm soft on the inside.

Sometimes people also say that I should have a relationship with a woman that has Asperger's. I know people think that will solve it, but I actually totally disagree. It's complex and that is actually the worst thing you can do. On the surface it seems good, Asperger's + Asperger's = happy relationship because both people are the same. That's not true. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's not something you can bond over, it's something whose purpose is to destroy relationships, not form them. So, in other words, 2 is twice as bad as 1. Also, the person with Asperger's is often the one most frustrated with his/her condition and also the one that understands it the least (non-objective, internal viewpoint). Remember, he/she lives it, and is not a casual observer of it like another normal person is. It's a condition of communication failure. A relationship of this nature will leave both parties the most deprived they can ever be. It would be better for an Asperger's sufferer to have a relationship with a normal person, or even have no relationship at all.

So, these things are non-trivial, there's a lot to consider. And, like you said, not all sufferers are the same. It's very hard, and I don't think I will know for sure until I find myself in a relationship/marriage one day. But, truth be told, I am not actively seeking it out at the moment. If it comes along, it comes along, and I will do everything in my power to try and halt proceedings, to discourage the formation of a relationship. But, if the love is strong enough and none of my attempts to foil it works, then I guess I have no choice.

There are several females here at PC that are Aspies. Being Aspie is not a death sentence.
It does have certain qualities. My H is a business owner, he is a deacon in the church. People seem to like his attention to detail. My son is an aspie as well and he has gift with sports. He has a natural ability to play basketball like no other. He is in the 9th grade and collages are looking at him already.

Don't be so hard on your self. Aspies are often highly motivated, self thinkers, leaders, very educated. Believe it or not many doctors, and lawyers and judges are Aspies . It is the ability to not let your emotions get in the way. Give your self a break, no one else is going to.