Feeling very down

Thinker, your post brings tears to my eyes. I wish I could make it better.

Please don't give up. There are idiots out there, I've met my share of ********* therapists and docs. But I did find someone who would listen this time.

Thinker, have you heard of mindfulness meditation?

Its origins are not from doctors and therapists, but from Buddhism. This is the only thing that has really been worthy advice from my T. We didn't really go through it, but I checked into it myself. I got a few books just to learn the basics. And I don't feel the need to go see T anymore.

The main concept for beginners, is just to focus on one thing, the breath. Keep your entire focus on your breath as you breathe in and breathe out.

Now here's the important part. While you're doing this you need to let go of all judgment. Everything just is what it is, and nothing more. There is no good, there is no bad. There is no love or hate. There is no right or wrong. It just IS what it is. It's the moment itself. It's just you and your breathing.

While you're doing it, things will enter your mind to distract you, but don't get mad. And especially, don't get mad at yourself for having those thoughts or being distracted. Acknowledge the outside thought but don't judge it. Just let it be and return your concentration to your breathing.

When I do this, I say things to myself like..."There is no judgment in this place. There is no right or wrong in this place. There is no anger, there is no hate. There is no concept of evaluation in this place. No comparisons are made in this place. This place just IS. It is existence, and there is nothing right or wrong about it. It is tranquility"

In short, try to let yourself just BE. It's very difficult, especially when you're feeling down at the bottom. So many bad thoughts try to creep in. But it's OK. Acknowledge them for what they are, but don't judge yourself for having them. Just return to your breathing.

I do this at work sometimes. Other people go out for a smoke break, I go out for a walk. I practice "walking meditation". This doesn't mean I walk with my eyes closed chanting "OHM" as I walk. I'm just trying to let things be what they are. And I keep repeating to myself, "There is no judgment here. There is no right or wrong. There is no good or bad. This is just existence. This is me and the earth. The earth and I are one."

The best place to do walking meditation would be somewhere that's devoid of distractions. A nice park for example, if it is available. I work in a major commercial area, next to an interstate with all kinds of noise and distractions. So I try to focus on things full of life; Trees, the sky (even if it's cloudy it doesn't matter. It's still marvelous, because there is no good or bad in this place). I'll even look at weeds and appreciate the life within them. Weeds are not good or bad. They are part of existence, they are life. What it really amounts to is acceptance. It's more difficult to think about it that way, especially at first. But that's what it is really all about. It is what it is, and that is OK.

Now as you can imagine this is very difficult to do in a busy area because you'll be walking along and some a$$hole flies by you on the road with the music blasting and chucks a McDonald's bag outside the window. Something like that provokes immediate feelings in me of hatred, anger, and a desire to do make that person pay for what he/she has done. But then I acknowledge those feelings. I don't judge myself for having them, and then I redirect my focus to the earth and to my breathing. After I'm done, I can analyze the feelings I had...but this time I'll be in a better position to do that more objectively.

Here's a couple books that I have.

http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-T...9098984&sr=1-2
This is by John Kabat Zinn and his main focus in life is teaching mindfulness meditation. His books are more instructional - they teach you how to do it. You might be able to find mp3's on the internet of him providing instructions - leading you through a meditation session, for example. This is a good place to start, because he gives you the fundamentals.

http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-St...9099163&sr=1-1
This book I really like. It's a compilation of lessons from Thich Nhat Hanh. He's a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who has been exiled from his country. He teaches people how to practice mindfulness in any setting, not just meditation (though he gives lessons on meditation also). He uses a lot of analogies to put things in perspective and I think that helps a lot. Mindfulness is a difficult concept to get your head around. Especially when first starting. By the way, I'm no expert, not by a long shot. I consider myself to be very much a mindfulness n00b. But that's OK, because I'm not judging myself.
Anyway, in the book he gives examples of different real life scenarios where you can apply mindfulness. I have learned a lot from this book and I find it inspiring.

If you can find mp3's of Zinn leading a meditation session, grab those and just try to follow along and do what he says.

Just remember, while you're meditating, nothing can harm you, because there is no good or evil. There is just existence. Just that moment. It's just you...being. That alone, I find to be very calming and comforting. It is the ultimate in tranquility.

I believe in this practice, because it comes from the ancients, not some stupid drug trial runs and unsubstantiated theories. You don't need to believe in Buddha or anything like that. You just need to BE. Just be you, and that's all you need to be.

I wish you the absolute best!

Hi guys. Im ok for tonight. Tty tomorrow.

Good morning peoples. I feel better not having taken any seroquel last night. I didn't sleep deeply. Probably got 4-5 hours last night, but it's worth it to not feel so hung over today. Can't wait to get off of everything.

And Pug, yes, I'm aware of mindfulness and meditation. I'm terrible at focusing on my breathing. I start to hyperventilate and feel more stressed than when I started. I also did a program where we learned that there is no good or bad, no right or wrong, etc. I'm aware of that in the overall universe that everything is an interpretation by us, but all just is, however, sometimes I use those words because they're practical...as when someone's action or inaction causes real harm to me.

I have one of Jon Kabat-Zinn's books and the CD. I couldn't get past 30 pages. Got bored. No offense for those who it works for. I just think too much to get any benefit out of Buddhist practices. You know, like if there is nothing to be attached to...if I should just let everything pass in and out of my mind, then nothing would get accomplished in this world. We wouldn't try to correct wrongs...punish those who treat the world like their personal garbage dump or the dictators who starve their people so they can have a thousand pairs of shoes and cases of the finest cognac. I may be an INFP on Myers-Briggs and be all for mediation and healing, but once I get indignant because someone or something has pushed me so far that I can no longer be nice, I turn into an INFJ and want to lead the world to a brighter future.

Although I realize that meditation is like a time out from the conflicts of this world and not necessarily used 24-7 by those who practice it, I can't get past the breathing. I feel lightheaded and frustrated by it all. I'd rather be doing anything else.

Thanks again everyone for your support thus far. Hoping to have a better day.

Just checking in on you today....hope things are going better for you.They seem like they are so thats good.Take care

I hope you are having a better day.

So far, yes, it's been a 100 times better than yesterday. I'm tired from not getting a good night sleep, but otherwise okay. Now that I've done my required daily duties, I'm getting a little scared of the options. Like, how am I going to find something to do for the next 8 or so hours before I start my nighttime routine? My eyes are too tired to read a book or play games. It's another hot day so I don't want to go out. I guess I could watch some recorded TV for a while or nap, but in the quiet, my mind starts to wander. Especially now that I have no safety net besides here. I keep things sometimes from my mate because I don't want him to know just how bad things are. I have no in person friends in this state that I'm close to. And to me, the hospital will do more harm than help if I swing back into a severe depression. When they took me there in December I had PTSD, hallucinations, and nightmares for months afterward. Not good.

Think I'll go have a nap and hope I have a little more eye strength to do something afterward.

xo everyone (unless you're a germaphobe, then we can rub elbows )

I am glad you are feeling better. I understnad the feeling of being afraid of down time. I try to keep busy, but if I have a chunk of time, I know my mind will race. (even if I am depressed)

I'm so glad it's cooler here today. We had T-storms last night and there may be more today, yay. I love clouds and rain (making my signature even more ironic...i think it's time to change it). Must be my European ancestry that loves cold, precipitation, and gloom. Need some Shostakovitch for ambiance now.

Will probably try to read and play video games today, although this is my fave weather to hike, so who knows.

Still feeling fine today, but not totally trusting it. I emailed my former online therapist (was with him from Jan '07 - Aug '08) while in the midst of the crisis day (Friday) and he too thought I should go to the hospital to be safe and have them be able to get my meds sorted out in an environment where I could be carefully monitored, etc. I wrote him back today and said I was feeling much better so not to worry. He also thinks I need a new support team, but I'm pretty much done with drs and meds.

I hate that my moods are so unpredictable, but I swear they took my from insomnia and moderate depression to sleeping all the time, severe depression, paranoia, and wishing for death...not to mention violent rapid mood swings. Can't deal with that any more.

Thanks guys for being there for me in my time of need. I think I'm over the worst.

I hate my mind, my moods, everything associated with this nightmare disease. I felt fine for a day and a half, then since this afternoon I could feel my mood shifting for no apparent reason. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and stare at nothing. Forced myself to do some things like clean the chinchilla cage, but it was just a method of trying to distract myself from the inevitable.

When I feel fine, I just live and do stuff, I'm not hard on myself. When I start to chemically feel bad then the critical voice comes in and says, "You've accomplished nothing with your life and this summer is no different. You were going to read books, do projects, start writing a new story or novel, take a trip and all you've done is lie around, sleep and go online. You're such a waste of space. You're defective. You will never be better. There is no cure for you. None of their treatments will work so why bother get your expectations up only to be hurt again?" On and on it goes telling me how worthless I am. I waste money on trying to improve my condition and end up feeling worse than I did when I started.

Sorry I'm so negative right now. I know it's a mood and it will pass, but I still feel like **** and like I'll never feel better for more than 5 days a month. What a bleak future. Forget my dreams. I'll be lucky to survive another year of this crippling pain. I feel like such a loser. In some ways I know I am. In others I'm not. But how can I do anything good with my life if this crap is always blindsiding me?

Yes, I feel that way too. I am in my early 40s and I resent having lost much of my young adulthood to this mental mess. I think how much more I might have done if I had been stable. Now I feel I must redouble my efforts just to do something useful while I am still here.

I just came out of a very bad time. My psychiatrist OKd stopping Abilify to see if it was causing drowsiness. Maybe the drowsiness improved, but a huge awful depression came sliding in. Just in time for a big, stupid, ill-conceived project at work, too. I am so glad I found enough motivation just to start taking those little pills again. A big part of me didn't want to...just wanted to keep sliding and let myself completely fall apart. But I started taking them again, and while I don't feel "well" I feel back in control.

Sorry, I'm babbling about myself. My point was that I have increasingly found how much these meds are keeping me alive. Sorry if this was discussed earlier in the thread, I might have missed it. But when I found the right meds it made such a difference--just in getting me stabilized to where I could start working on other positive changes. I don't know if you are still giving meds a shot, or having hassles with your psychiatrist. But IMO they are worth pursuing even through some trial and error and frustration.

OK, I am running off at the mouth, I better go to bed soon!

Wish there was something I could do to help.

We all want you to feel better!

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I'm not sleeping well and thus not thinking clearly about my mental well being, so I still don't want to see a psychiatrist or get on more meds. I still wonder if my actions or lack thereof will make me wind up in a hospital. I don't want to do either. I want to feel better but I hate the idea of this process never ending and me not even having the hypomania that allows me to accomplish things. I just want to get rid of the depression and insomnia, you know? But it's like everything I try causes a worse side effect than what I was trying to cure.

Hit a brick wall and I have no answers except for surviving hour by hour and day by day.

Love you guys.

((((((((((Thinker22))))))))))

Thinker


I am sorry you are suffering so. I am sending you good thoughts and prayers.

Lauru

(((((((((((thinker22)))))))))))

So sorry i came to this thread so late!!

I am so sorry you are struggling so much lately. I just want you to know that i can totally relate and that it can get better.
I will send you some good karma and know that the universe will take care of such a caring, loving person as you.

Take Care

Had to work today...one of the reasons I didn't want to go to the hospital. I need the money. Made it through somehow, albeit exhausted and eyes straining at the computer. I nearly had a couple of panic attacks...gasping for air, tightness in my chest, but I made myself focus on something else besides feeling like I couldn't handle everything (and there's so much right now!). I so expect them to take me away soon. I have to stop writing emails when I'm so depressed and not sleeping. I all but told the authorities to go **** themselves and that I was going back to drinking because they wouldn't listen and they made me feel worse (which is true, but my reaction was irrational I realize). I just need to find a new meds person, but it's going to be tough any time soon. And I'm sure I've pissed everyone off who tried to help me when things got to a crisis.

I feel pretty alone, but I know I've got you guys and that helps more than you know. If they do cart me away tomorrow...well, you'll know because you don't get any messages from me for a day or two. I suspect I can get myself out of the hospital in 24 hours with my wit and charm . However, if I'm stark raving due to lack of sleep, it'll be a bit longer. I must needs get something to help me sleep soon.

hugs everyone I'm such a dork sometimes.

Nah, you're not a dork.

I hope things get better for you soon. You've been such a support for me.

You know, if I met a p-doc tomorrow who was willing to listen to me and give me something new to help all this, I'd take the prescription in an instant, so long as he or she promised to try something else if I had a bad reaction to it. Granted, I'm worn down from lack of sleep. And then, if I felt better, maybe I'd be more likely to think therapy might help me (because if I wasn't in constant agony I could probably work through some daily issues I face even when I feel somewhat normal. Maybe you know, I could learn some tools to prevent the downward spirals).

I feel pretty bad right now, but my mind is still clearer and my body stronger than when I was on Seroquel. In my family, we were always taught to tough it out, and I still kind of see it as a virtue, although I was humiliated or else rebuked for my mood disorder constantly by adults as a child. I don't cry very often, but when I do, there are a lot of years of pain backed up threatening to flood me if I'm not careful. I don't want to have a breakdown or go to a hospital, but unless I get some care soon, it's inevitable. I know myself and I know I can't take much more as strong as I am, as relentlessly as I've been fighting all this. My will to live has been diminishing over the past couple of years, and I can't even say why. Is it where I'm living? Is it my relationship? Is it feeling isolated here? Is it going back to school and the added stress? Is it having my job hours cut? All of the above?

I'm on the verge of tears if not panic attacks more and more the past couple of weeks. It feels like the world is dying around me and I'm already dead and my life never really mattered. I wish I could do something good with my life and not waste all that has been invested in me by so many people. I wish I could get control over this disease and have a positive impact. But I don't know how. I don't know who to trust or if I reach out if anyone will take my hand. Do you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. I have been there many times my friend. The best I can do is tell you it does go away. Meds and therapy help me, and sometimes I have to go to the hospital. Which sucks. I hope you find what works for you best. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Me too. There may be a p-doc appt in the works, but not sure if it will be this week or not.

Thanks and

(((((((((((THINKER))))))))))))

Just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you and hoping for you.

at you bud!!!!!!!

Hi peoples,

I'm tired as usual, but having an okay day despite invasive thoughts. Have a tentative appt in Sept to see a p-doc who takes my school's insurance, still trying to get on my state's insurance plan (now have an interview for it later this month) and they tell me today that I have to apply for SSDI, so I started that today too. Still have no meds appt for this week. My therapist is gone for 10 days, but I apologized in an email and agreed to come back if he was willing to have me back. So here I is, one hour and day at a time.

to everyone!!