[irishgirl4]

I hate my body: I eat, throw up food. I deprive myself of calories. I feel fat and ugly because I wear a size 0, not a 00. I think about food every second of he day. The voice of hunger and self-doubt tortures me.

I hate my mind. It tells me to swallow pills and end things. It tells me that the pain will never get better and that my kids will be much better off without me! It is obsessed with researching suicide methods, looking at pictures of dead people, and reading about successful suicides.

I cannot rest. I have no peace. I have pain, pain, and more pain. Why on earth would anyone want to live in this body or mind?

If I go to the ER or hospital, I will be put on a psych floor. I have done this many times. I know what would happen. I would shut down (stop eating, refuse to get out of bed, refuse to speak, etc.). I have done this before. I have been given a feeding tube, given ECT, etc. After spending months in hospitals and in fancy residential treatment centers, I am still not better.

I hate this/these diseases. It's too much of a roller coaster ride. I want off.

[Andie1962]

Irish girl I hate to see you in such pain. You are a worthwhile individual, remember that. You were created uniquely you, there's no one else like you in the world. Your children need you.

I know because I have been where you are many times (not the eating stuff though) and it will get better. See your psychiatrist, your therapist. Join support groups. Try to get out.

[BNLsMOM]

I urge you to go to the ER. Even if you do shut down and stop talking, etc. they will know how to help you. You seem to want help so badly; your posts are screaming. Please call 911, and then you can rest. Let the hospital staff be your support. They know what to do. you just have to want to get well, and I really think you do.

[bpd2]

irishgirl4, when you are so tired, let someone carry you. That is what ER, the wards, the psychologists are all about. They are to carry us when we are tired and ill. Please call for help, please make the calls to get it.

[flawlessimperfectionsmft]

Just like everyone else is saying go to the ER and let them handle all the work. Let them take the burden off of you. Don't try to lift it yourself. I understand where you are coming from not wanting to eat because you believe yourself to be too big. You are not alone. I just wanted to let you know that. Go get help, for your kids.

[irishgirl4]

Thank you for your support, everyone.

A part of me wants support. A part of me wouldn't mind going to the ER. However, I have four kids. Today is Santa breakfast. My husband is leaving tonight for a five day business trip. How can I possibly get help? There is nobody to help my kids when I am gone.

I used to be very religious. Now, I don't believe. When I am gone-I'm gone. I won't be in heaven or hell, watching the effects of my death. I will be done-in the ground.

Meanwhile, I self-injure, I engage in my ED, and put on the act of being the "perfect corporate wife and suburban mother".

I do go to therapy twice a week. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on 12/14.

I see my T tomorrow, but doesn't even know where to begin. He doesn't want me in a hospital because he knows that it only makes me worse. He is very anti-hospital. I think he has way too much belief in me.
Thanks again for your support.

[bpd2]

You know if you need to go to the ER, not your T. Does your T have your condition? Has your T every needed the sanctuary of the hospital? I doubt it. How can hospital make this worse? I suppose there are ways that could happen in a couple of days, but we're talking first about safe relief from intolerable pain. I don't think your T understands.

Write back, asap. I have more to say, but I want to get this conversation going.

[irishgirl4]

No, I doubt my T can understand the pain. Historically speaking, every time I have been hospitalized, I have gone from bad to worse. He has seen that.

[bpd2]

So....whatever his expectations are, you get to make your own choices. One of the smart ones you're making is looking around for help. Do you have parents or in-laws who can come and stay while your husband is away? Is there a way for your husband to shorten his trip, or not go at all?

[Skully]

I am so sorry you feel the way you do. I understand about not liking your body...that is a big issue for many women so you are not alone.

Have you talked to anyone? Therapist or do you go to a psychiatrist on a regular basis? You may need a medication adjustment or different meds altogether. I strongly urge you to seek help right now. I know in the past it hasn't worked but try this time. Try hard to feel better. You cannot get better if you don't try. Please try!

[bpd2]

I'm wondering, too, if you can have therapy contact once a day while your husband is gone? Would that help? It would be an appointment to meet, the oasis of having help every day.

[irishgirl4]

Originally Posted by bpd2

I'm wondering, too, if you can have therapy contact once a day while your husband is gone? Would that help? It would be an appointment to meet, the oasis of having help every day.

My T is really good about emailing me back. I could always email him everyday while my husband is gone. It's not that big of a deal that my husband is gone; he is more of a trigger than anything. He HATES when I am depressed. He says that my depressive episodes are "abusive" to him. Meanwhile, he's the one who yells and sometimes hits me. Ugh!

I have no family who can help. I am on no antidepressants or mood stabilizers. My doc took me off of everything because of a bad reaction to Depakote.
I am on Klonopin-but it doesn't help the depression at all.

I just wish I was never born. I wish that I never knew the love of my children. I wish that I had no connections....that I was alone and free to make the decisions that I really want to make.

I am sick of therapy and doc appointments. I guess I don't want help or to get better. I write here because it feels good to get the ideas out of my head...to make them tangible.

[Yoda]

How long has your husband been abusive? That alone is enough to make you feel depressed. I know, I've been there. Does your therapist know your husband is treating you badly? Are you afraid of your husband?

[irishgirl4]

Yes, he knows. He has encouraged me to get help regarding this. My husband has been abusive for years, but really bad since my first hospitalization five years ago. However, if I confront my husband, he get's really mean. In fact, my doctors have no emergency contact person because they know that if they express concern to my husband, he will just take it out on me. They literally have nobody to call when they are worried about my suicidal thoughts.

Like I always say...my mental health plus environment equals the perfect storm of destruction!

[Yoda]

Have you considered leaving your husband? Would you say you are emotionally or financially dependent on him?

[bpd2]

irishgirl4, I'm worried that you are in an abusive relationship. Clearly you need good care. If it's good that your husband will be gone for five days, because he is a trigger, OK, but I think you should get logistical help, if nothing else, with the kids. Even asking other mothers to help get them to and fro, maybe ordering dinners--like pizza--when you can...small things that would be such a relief.
When things have been very bad for me, when they are very bad for me, it is hard to love my children. But it is their love, after all, that has kept me alive so many times. It is hard to let myself remember how bad it was. Just horrible. But because I can remember that, I can say with certainty that this will ease for you. But I had to use every resource anyone threw at me, even if I didn't want to. Like you, I have a therapist who believes in me, and he helped me think of what I needed--I couldn't even figure that out--and he helped me accept needing help. We also have turned to the hospital for sanctuary when I needed it. It is very, very hard. I reached places I didn't want to come back from. But there is no doubt our children need us. Absolutely no doubt. As hard as it is to hear, there is no one else for them who will ever be their mother. In time, I returned to loving that there is no one else who will ever be their mother. I am their mother. They deserve to have a mother, no matter what.
I don't know if I've said anything to help you, but please keep posting here. We all care.

[irishgirl4]

I don't even know who I can ask for help. I'm alone.

I don't want to divorce my husband. I love him. Perhaps if I ever get healthy he will treat me differently. However, when he is mean, it always makes me even more suicidal than I am now.

bpd-your words do help. You're so right-it's very hard to love the kids right now. I hate to admit this, but they are like flies, swarming all around me. I just want to swat them away (not literally). I cannot bathe them today, I can barely feed them, I definitely cannot interact with them.

My psychiatrist tried calling me this morning, but I didn't hear the phone ring because we had a Santa breakfast. He said that he would call tonight. I really won't hold my breath-he's horrible when it comes to calling. I just wish that I could express my pain better, so he would take me more seriously. He did tell my primary doc that the biggest challenge with me is "keeping me alive". Maybe he does get it; I don't know.

[Ryask]

There is something fundamentally wrong with someones thinking when they say in response to abuse...yeah but i love him.That's not OK, no one has the right to put their hands on you in anger.There are only two courses of action for escaping and abusive situation, and it's your choice to make. One is to call a crisis help line for people in abusive relationships, and get the heck out of there. The line could help you find a shelter, funding, counciling, and helping you find a new place to live with your children. The other option is staying with your husband and attending marriage counciling. If he loves you, he would not want to hit you, and i am sure he doesn't want to hit you, but there is something wrong with him if he is hitting you. If you want to work it out, then couples counciling is the way to do it, they can help him with his own issues that lead to him being violent. if your willing to stay with him, then he should be willing to try to change. I think after that's more important at the moment then your depression to be honest, because depression itself wont kill you...but being in an abusive relationship might.

[bpd2]

It sounds like your psychiatrist does get it...If you can't get through to your psychiatrist, you know, you could reach your GP. If he has hospital privileges, for sure, they can contact him for you, and he can contact the psychiatrist. Does the psychiatrist himself have hospital privileges? They'll reach him for you, if so, for sure. And they might be able to contact him, anyway.
What's the situation on getting help for you with the kids?

[irishgirl4]

My relationship is so complicated. I feel so judged. I am really not a stupid person. I know that it sounds horrible to say that I love somebody who abuses me. I can't explain it.

My Psychiatrist is actually head of the psych department at my hospital. He is gone all week. I don't know what that is going to mean for me.

My husband just held me as I sobbed and begged him to "take the pain away". He said that he "needed me" and told me that I cannot go into the hospital. I have to try to figure this out without doing that. His trip is super important. I have to do the best that I can. He told me that he loves me and needs me.

I am so confused.

[Ryask]

I did not say it to judge you, nor am i calling you stupid. i dont think your stupid at all, but i think you have to adress major causes of depression before you can start on the help for depression. It's like if you were a heroine addict, it would be like you going to treatment, getting clean then going back to live with a heroine addict at home. it can not work, it can not be successful, that how i feel about this situation. You can't work on the depression until you make some real changes in your life.

[bpd2]

If your psych is head of the department, he most definitely left a "chain of command" for treatment of any and all patients. You can call and get in to see that next person in line. There is no reason to wait on that.

As for your husband needing you? Huh? You need him! Everyone has to do the best that they can, not just you--him, too. For example, both parents need to make sure the kids are taken care of, not just you. I hope you will use the resources available to you there where you live. Maybe start with the psychiatrist at the hospital, but it shouldn't end there, either.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping the situation is improving for you.

[irishgirl4]

I guess I feel so hopeless because I don't have the "guts" to make real changes in my life. I do go to therapy appointments. I do see my psychiatrist. However, I am not strong enough to stand-up to my husband. I get scared when I read the posts about Bipolar med weight-gain. I don't think I have the guts to take medication if it makes me heavier. I guess I really would rather die than get better and be fat and lonely. I'm pathetic. The world has enough pathetic people in it; it really could use one less.

My kids are amazing. I am screwing them in any scenario. I live and am sick-they suffer. I die and am gone-they suffer. There is no winning situation here.

All I know is that I feel an abundance of pain. I don't know how else to describe it but the kind of pain that makes it hard to swallow. It's the kind of pain when you are about to see somebody you know for the first time laid out in a funeral home (I relate it to the pain that I felt when I saw my dad for the first time in his casket as a little girl).
I just want it to go away.

My doc never called me back. I am going to see my T tomorrow if I can manage to get myself to my appt.

Thanks again for caring everyone.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry to hear what pain you are in. I've been there, and know that eventually you do see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are doing the right thing by asking for help.
Is it possible that there may be a different hospital that could offer you more help? Maybe things are run differently, and you won't close up...

Please don't think of ending your life - I truely believe we all have a purpose on this planet; we are special and unique. Going to the ER will always be an option for you - there your meds can be adjusted and you can be monitored.

[allme]

(((((irishgirl))))))) My eyes had tears in them reading your post Please please, I urge you, go to the ER.... you need help right now Atleast there you'll have someone that can watch you. I wish I could say something that would make it all go away I too have been suicidal..... I couldnt of got through it without help of loved ones and professionals. Sending you much love and healing hugs