Bipolar crushes and marriage

I need some help understanding an issue, and I hope there are folks here who can help. My wife is bipolar and develops obsessive crushes on other men. Most run their course and end in a month or so with nothing happening, but one turned into a full blown affair. (He was a psychologist and knew just how to manipulate her.) To this day, she still develops these crushes, the last of which resulted in a $520 cell bill due to daily calls and texts. Fortunatey, he lives two states away and nothing happened.

I do not want a divorce, but my only other choice is to live day to day wondering, "who next?". I plan to call an attorney next week, because I can no longer take it.

Is this part of BPD? Has anyone else had to deal with such an issue?

Hi Cole ... I'm sorry you're going through this, but I am glad you've reached out. It's really hard to tell when someone does something due to being BP (mania in your wife's case) or when other factors are in play.

First, is your wife medicated? If so, is she working hand in hand with her pdoc in order to let him/her know that the meds might not be working 100%?? It's VERY important that as a person diagnosed BP she maintains her medicine regimen and that her Dr is keeping track of her behavior to make sure those meds are working correctly.

Second, are there any other issues within the marriage that might encourage a wondering eye? (no need to answer, just ask yourself the question and be honest to yourself). I know that for me, medicated or not ... when I was with my ex things were so out of whack and although we had happy moments the issues we had outweighed the happy moments. I still managed to let my mania take over and it was easier to cheat and do as I wanted with other men because in my head it wasn't worth me controlling my urges for a relationship on the rocks. BUT, now that I'm in a loving relationship, I do everything in my power to make it work and never get into a situation that I'll regret because I truly love my hubby and refuse to ruin what we have.

Third, have you been able to sit with her and determine that SHE understands her behavior is not really acceptable. A lot of times we get so involved on the grandiose feeling of mania and then the love for the attention we get from these men that logic goes out the window.

I really hope that you're able to determine what will work out best for you and your wife. I also wish your wife the best with her journey in life dealing with this illness. It's a rocky road, but can be a beautiful one with the right mindset and taking care of yourself.

I hope my experience dealing with my illness and relationships has helped. *hugs*

I think scooterbug gave you some excellent advise.

Is it a bipolar thing, I don't know. I am in a long term relationship and I would never cheat and I don't have a wandering eye what so ever. I do experience hypersexuallity in a manic phase but I keep it with my partner. I had a strict upbringing around these issues so I'm not sure that that isn't an influence here.

However I believe bipolar or not there is still such things as honesty, integrity, and self control. But that might only go so far with some who has bipolar that is not undercontrol or medicated. By no means tho does it equate to you taking the blows and excuseing it as a mere symptom. Part of any relationship relies on both partners working hard to maintain a healthy relationship.

Thanks for the advise. Yes, she is medicated and her doctor even said that this is part of the BPD and a part of her personality she cannot control. (I heard this firsthand from him).

As for issues in the marriage, it boils down to this: if she wants 100 things and gets 99 of them, she will obsess over the one she does not have. I do not beleive that I or anyone else can possibly fullfill her needs.

If we did not have two young children (including an 8 year old who also has a BPD diagonsis), it would not be such a difficult decision. But for my own mental health, I do not see any choice but divorce.

This is exactly what I needed. >> Oddly enough.

I agree with Scooterbug. I also know that it is really difficult to stay committed but if you really love someone you'll fight the urges and commit yourself to a single person. I actually have difficulties with this sometimes, but I try to stay as open as possible with my partner and overcome those feelings. It's hard to remember that the feelings for them are often temporary because the idea of being showered with attention from another person is appealing.

Plus, it gives you a high. I've struggled with this for a long time, but I have faith that with time I'll get better at taking care of myself and my body which will result in less episodes of this sort.

Scooterbug did give you some good advice. i just wanted to add that your wife needs to be held accountable. Just because she has bipolar doesnt excuse her actions. It doesnt give her carte blanche to hurt you by having emotional relationships with other people. Your feelings count here and you have to take them into consideration when you are contemplating the future. You dont state whether she is on meds or in therapy or not. If she is and still exhibiting these behaviors then there may be something else going on in the relationship as scooterbug suggests. If she isnt on meds or in therapy, this may be worth the suggestion to her before you consider dissolving the relationship

Kaliope, you hit the nail on the head with accountablity. Thank you. I have been letting things slide and telling myself it is the BPD.

I found out yesterday that she is planning a trip to her home town. Instead of staying with her parents (as usual) she is getting a hotel room. I found text messages to an old boyfreind telling him we have seperated (we haven't) and plans for the weekend for the two of them. A few years ago, I found out she had seen him and ended up making out with him.

Here's the part I do not get. She thinks this is acceptable and that there is nothing wrong with this scenario! She just wants to feel like a 20 year old again.

She has been running around the house cleaning everything in site for the last two weeks, and I am thinking this escape into fantasy is a manic episode?

Cole - I hate to say this... but I feel like I must!!

She sounds like my mother!!

This is what I mean: My mom will take her meds and go to therapy when she feels like it. She also does whatever she wants not caring who she hurts and when confronted her reply is, "Well, you know I have an illness and things are hard for me to control."

When I was diagnosed back in 2006, I cried sooooooooooooooo much just because I thought, "oh no! I'm going to be just like mom!" ... turns out, that I CAN control things to a certain extent.

I am HONEST with my tdoc and pdoc and they know what is my BPD and what is just ME. I take my meds as I am supposed to EVEN when I am feeling "ok" and think I might not need them anymore.

Just because someone has an illness, it does not excuse them to act like "witch" (cursing gets blocked off here) This I learned with having a mom that loves to use her illness as an excuse to manipulate people.

I know that when you have children it is very tough to do what you might need in order to be sane ... BUT, think of it this way: your kids are not dumb, they see the fights, the hurt, their mom acting a bit out of it, and it will affect them much more to continue seeing this than to end the relationship and letting them experience what life is really like.

Whatever your decision is will be just that YOUR DECISION!! Just because someone is BP does not give them a green light to hurt you, cheat on you and then expect you to take it.

I wish you the best of luck ...

ColeThornton,

I am sorry to hear that you go through this. I know that everyone here has said that BP is not an excuse for her actions. I can say that when I was not aware of having this illness which has been for over 20 yrs now. I too did these things to my husband. I am ashamed of what I have done to him but I can tell you for me I could not control what I was doing. It was like someone else had taking over me and doing what they wanted to. I love my husband dearly and wanted not to hurt him but I could not stop. The only issue we had in our relationship was that I was ill but even though I was on medication and seeing a psych I know now that it was cause I still had not recieved the right combination of meds to where I could be stable enough to understand what I was going through and being able to educate myself on how to become more aware of my actions to my triggers. My husband and I now know that this was the BP and not me. I have heard it from psych, therepist and support groups who tell me this as well. I am not saying that it was ok for me to do this but at the time that I did this I was not well mentally. I can say that from here on out I will do my best to control this. I love my husband and now that we both are willing to learn and educate together with what to do with my symptoms and triggers I know I will be able to control it. It will take dedication from the both of us to help me stay compliant on meds and keep going to therepy in order to stay stable and not let the BP take me to this extent again. I don't understand how others here can say not to blame the illness. I am thinking maybe they did not have this issue in their illness like I did. I was mostly psychotic/manic not till now hypo, normal, mixed or depressed. I now I will hear that I am wrong propably since mostly everyone who posted here said it was not to be used as an excuse. I wanted to still be able to be open and honest as to what I dealt with and have learned. Maybe there are others out there who have dealt with this but since everyone says its not the illness to blame they may be ashamed and not want to share. I feel I have to be honest cause it may help someone else come to terms with their illness and learn fromt their past mistakes. You can always contact me and my husband. He is always by my side in sharing what I have gone through to help others learn and understand that we are all different but yet the same in some ways.

I am going to make an assumption, but I think she is diagnosed already. I think his wife was taken advantage of by the psychologist, but not with the other men. I understand not knowing about hypersexuality symptoms before you are diagnosed, but after you're diagnosed the responsibility is put on yourself. For example, the only person who is going to make you take your medicine daily is yourself. You can ask your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/best friend/parent to remind you to take your medicine but it doesn't mean you will take it. Making emergency appointments; the only person who can point out the crisis is yourself. As you become familiar with this disease and with symptoms it becomes easier to know triggers and to stop them from getting out of hand. I think that's why it becomes inexcusable.

I hear what you are saying but I was diagnosed since I was like 20 and even then I did not know what I had I mean it was like I went and saw psych took meds but I still did not know what was going on. Unjust recently when I am guessing the med combo was right and I became more to a normal sate from being manic psychotic that it still took my husband to make me make a choice of what I wanted to do with my life. During the psychotic mania episode I did not know what I had even though I was being treated for it and was taking meds. So it would be different for each individual at what point of the illness they are in to be able to accept what they have and then make the choice to move forward and not continue to do this behaviour. Even though I finally understood it was hard to break the cycle of letting the illness take control but now I have found it easier since I have learned so much about the illness. Hope I make since in a sleepy mood right now.

Hi, so sorry to hear about your situation.

Was this guy her therapist? <------ if so, she cant be held fully accountable as he would have been taken advantage.

I also have problems with 'crushes' nothing has even come out of them except from the one i had with my therapist that crossed the line nearly a yr ago now and things still are not right.

I hope you manage to work things out one way or another *hugs*

confusedinomicon,

Like my husband says "In a perfect world yes maybe once she was giving her diagnose she would take her meds and fully take responsiblity of her illness on her own." However I don't live in a perfect world and I am also going to assume that Cole Thorthon's wife does not either. Also I have learned that a lot of BP patients start to feel good when in manic state and decide that they don't need their meds and maybe this is cause they have not accept their illness. It sounds to me that she is in a manic state and that maybe she is either unaware of what BP is enough to be responsible to stay on meds, know she is in a crisis or has done any research on her illness to take on this responisibilty. I also know that as for me I will depend on my husbands support to make sure that I stay compliant on meds, appts to pdoc and to help me learn my triggers, symptoms and how to control them before they go out of control again. As from learning from others it can be hard to stay compliant when you start to feel that you feel great and maybe you don't need your meds. Even a couple I meet in support group who has been dealing with BP for over 40 yrs he still some times feels he don't need his meds and he has his wife to help him stay on top of it if she notices any out of the ordinary symptoms. We are not in her shoes so no one can say that she is responsible just because she has been giving a diagnose and she should know everything there is to know on her own.

I wrote a really long response but it got deleted....

Basically what I said was regardless of whether or not you have MI or not, you still have to take responsibility for your actions because there are always consequences. The consequences can be good or bad.~

The crushes are now over. Gone as quick as they started. She spent the last two days depressed and crying, saying she is embarrassed, humiliated, and cannot understand why she does this. There is great guilt over the crush, the phone bill and ignoring the kids and me. This is what makes it difficult. I get fed up the the point where I cannot take any more and suddenly, my wife is back.

This brought up guilt over the affair, and she cried as if it had just happened yesterday, not four years ago. For those who asked, the psychologists she had the affair with was not her psychologist. She had not been diagonsed yet, though you can bet he knew. Her post-diagnosis psychologist knows the man professionally and was not surprised that he was preying on attractive women with psych disorders. My screen name is taken from my favorite John Wayne western, and my personaility is like the character. It took a long talk from my priest to stop me from putting the hurt on this predator before he could do this to someone else.

Yes, she is on meds and takes them. She does not do much councelling, as that she has an understandable distrust of psychologists.

Interestingly, the crushes she has had since the affair and BPD diagnosis have been men who live far away or celebrities, as if she is looking for a
'safe" crush that cannot advance to the next level.

She has replaced the crushes with obsessively cleaning the house. Does anyone else have OCD along with BPD? Her psychiatrist has said it is difficult to control OCD with meds. Anyone have any advise? I want to help my wife, but do not know how.

Mokie makes a good point that it is not just about the diagnosis and the meds. My wife was diagnosed just over three years ago. While meds made an immediate improvement, they are certainly not a cure. I have observed her do and say things that are inappropriate, all the while with a look of horror on her face. She has told me, "I knew when I said it it was not appropriate, but I could not stop myself." This lack of control scares the heck out of her. She will say/do something in front of friends or family and then hide from them for months out of embarrassment.

A guy rolls a stop sign and gets stopped by the police.

He tells the cop, "hey, I slowed down, what's the difference?"

The cop pulls out his nightstick, starts beating the guy on the head and asked him, "OK, do you want me to stop or slow down?"

I think this is a perfect anology of BPD. Meds and coucelling can slow it down, but you cannot stop it. As much as I hate what my wife's BPD does to me, I hate what it does to her more.

It's really tough.

Although I don't do things like that. I do other things, spend all my money on thrift store finds, antiques and such. I'm on disability so it doesn't take a lot to beak the bank. Sometimes I won't even remember buying things, until I find them in a closet somewhere with the tags intact, and then I still can't remember.

Other times I just lose touch with reality so much, get in arguments with my boyfriend, and when he calms me down and explains whats happening, I need to think about it a bit. Even though I can't really grasp the fact that I've lost touch, I know it's true. I feel so guilty, the tears come, and I just feel so guilty, weak, and ashamed inside. I really feel for you and your wife. Breaks my heart reading what you wrote.

I aslo have OCD and cleaning is my number one next to picking. I worked with my pdoc a bit to break this but have not been successful. It's the one thing that relaxes me, like really relaxes me, when I am cleaning or picking is the only time I really feel at peace inside. Like a calming wave washes over me. I feel safe when I am doing these things.

Also to add, when I was not medicated I did a number of very extreme things, I still don't feel like I can share these things, I am still profoundly embarrassed by these things and cannot believe I did them. I do now realize that in order to keep my behavior in tact I really need to keep myself away from situations or or places where I could get into trouble.

Anika,

You say you feel guilty, weak and ashamed inside. I want to tell you what our priest- a wonderful old gent who recently passed away- told my wife.

He said the fact that you feel guilt or shame over these actions, even though they may be out of your control, just means you are a good person. Keep up the fight and remember those words!

Mokie...........I so understand and agree with what you're saying. The illness has dictated so much in my life. It is not about accountability, at least defininately not in my case! With my horrendous Bipolar 1, side effects, and accompanying issues...........the same could be said about my attempt on my life. There was no rational thought there. No possibility of calling a hot-line, thinking about others, etc.etc.etc. Without medication (which is barely helping now), my mind was totally irrational , psychotic, and my actions totally beyond my control. All I can say is that you have to have walked in those shoes.......

First sorry so long I find that I feel like I have to write a book to explain myself.

confusedinomicon,

From your profile I can't tell which bipolar you deal with. From learning from others usually the BPII are more depressed and hardly ever go the side of my end BPI/schizoaffective and they are usually to depressed to go out and do all the things that I have done in my past. If I am wrong forgive me just that is what my husband and I have seen lately from others.

anika,

I also know what you mean about sharing what you have experienced, not that I know what it has done to you. I have found it sort of therapuetic to share my past. I just want to be honest as to what I experienced hopefully to help others who may be feeling so ashamed, guilt, alone, and not being able to actually get the true help they need from to many embarrasing moments that they have encountered. It really has helped between my husband and myself. Don't get me wrong I still feel so hurt from hurting him in this way. I am just so fortunate that even though my husband nor I knew what has really been going on over the past 20 yrs till just the past 2yrs he is so understanding and deep down knew soemthing was truley wrong with me. Even today I broke down crying in a resturant cause I just can't believe that I too thought that many of my behaviours were not wrong but now that I am in some sort of normal state, at least for me, I can see more clearly that they were. I was so out of it in mania and at the end psychosis that I don't really remember everything I did. I know I did bad things but they were truley out of my control. It felt like different people were taking over my body and mind. We are now learning and going to fight back this BP monster. I to now know not to go to sorting place or be with sorting friends to get into trouble like before. I just thank God that I can now move forward and with caution like learning steps to take when I get to manic and want to go out. I was on meds while my bad behaviour took place but it was so bad that I did not even know what BP really was, it was just a mood of up and down not everything else that comes with it. I am mad that the psych that I first saw, which I only know cause I found a letter in my room, that he did not know that I did not fully understand that I was really in bad shape. He could of tried to tell me to talk or have my husband come in with me to appointments. SOMETHING. I wonder how many others go and have been told that they have a MI, take their meds but don't grasp what their actual MI is doing to them. If you ever feel like sharing you can send me a PM or email. I am not here to judge you cause I know what this MI has done to me and my family. Take care.

greylove,
You have always and still have been here for me. I was not sure if I was doing the right thing of sharing my infidelity but I felt that I could help others maybe understand that they may not be alone on this and getting help is the best thing. My husband is the one that really helps me be honest and open here. He just wants to help others as well. It helps me to that he is there for me and also knows and has been educated to know that I was not in control while in psychosis, or major mania, which has been for most of my life. Hope to hear from you soon and love your pics.

colethorton,
I am truly sorry for what you have gone through with your wife. I know that I don't walk in her shoes like greylove says but like I said I used to do inappropiate things and I have said what your wife says. Even though right now I am in much normal state then mania I find myself acting out at times just comes from no where with out any control. Still bothers me about my past I don't think I can ever let it go but my husband always told me the past is the past look towards our future and that is exactly what we are going to do. You must be like my husband one of a kind. I also deal with OCD, I start to clean the whole house and rearranage everything from night till next day nonstop. It drives my family crazy cause I find new and better ways of doing things. Will to my view I do. I can't remember if the Celexa or the Cymbalta was the one giving to me for that. I get back to you on that. Wishing you and your family to be strong and be able to move forward to what ever decision you make.

Cole Thornton,
I can understand your concerns, which are more than valid, and I can relate to your frustration, to say the least. Although there is something to be said for accountability, learning to know one's triggers, learning how to respond, and better medication management, this a mutual responsibility to some degree in that you can help but she is not doing her part. Not all professionals are wayward, counseling is important, not just medication therapy. It is also important for you to have the help and support you need in the process. I would encourage you to talk to a professional counselor or therapist, though I understand the mistrust of some professionals, many can help as they understand the diagnosis and can help with marriage counseling as well and for the sake of the children, along with your priest. You do not have to go this alone. You may be in an untenable situation in the end but using every available resource, which is at your disposal, so you are not left to wonder about the possibilities and to have more support in the process. Please consider contacting someone for yourself, while encouraging her to do the same, you deserve this for you and for your kids.

Dear Cole Thornton, You wrote: "If she wants 100 things and gets 99 of them, she will obsess over the one she does not have." Yeeow -- sounds like me. I wonder if this is a symptom of bipolar? I have a dx of Bipolar 2, take meds, work hard to take care of myself. But I still obsess over what I do not or cannot have. Do you know the traditional folk tale called "The Fisherman and his Wife"? I am like the wife. To make the story short, the fisherman catches a big fish and says he can have a certain number of wishes if the fisherman throws the talking fish back into the sea. When he tells this to his wife, she says she doesn't want to live in hovel anymore, and to go ask the fish to give them a nice little cottage with a rose garden etc etc. So the fisherman goes to the sea and calls for the fish, which comes up to see what the fisherman wants of him. Well, every time, the Wife wants a bigger and better and bigger and better house, till they are living in a huge castle. The wife demands more and more and more, finally saying she wants to be "The queen of the sun, the moon, and the stars." The hapless Fisherman asks the fish for that, for his wife, and the fish tells him to go home. When he gets back home, there they are in the original fisherman's hovel. I have been known to equate myself with the Wife.

Nice story, flowerbells; it's pretty wise advice. Cole Thornton wrote his query in June, 2011, though. His wife probably ran off with the meter reader years ago.

If she's got any sense, she did. That poor woman.

Bipolar diagnosis is not an excuse to cheat on your spouse. Yes, it causes hypersexuality, but not cheating. Cheating is a selfish, self-gratifying, cruel act against your partner and some bipolar people try to run from their responsibility by not accepting their actions and this makes me furious because it increases the stigma of our illness.