[Passion222]

I felt completely down and out last night and decided to put something on the table to my husband. Please tell me your opinion on this discussion from last night. I asked my husband last night to tell me why he loves me. He said "I just do". I asked "but why, can't you name any specifics?" He asked"what is this?? Why do I have to tell you?" I responded"you don't know why. You can't even make me feel wanted with anything. This answer is not acceptable". He was so mad at me because I cried hysterically trying to understand where he comes from. I told him he is emotionless, unromantic, unaffectionate and I crave Love. He turned it around and I was the bad guy. He said "you always gotta start ****. Why can't you just accept things? Nothing is good enough". I said "I can't accept life with no love". He literally shut off. Put up the wall and it WILL NOT be discussed again until I lose it with a outburst like that again. Was I asking too much?

[BNLsMOM]

I don't think you asked too much, but maybe it would be easier with a counselor present?

[Passion222]

We've done the counselor thing and she can't get through to him either. My pdoc and T said he's very cold and can understand why i feel the way I do. I just hope over and over that somehow I can break down that wall. Hoping ill say something miraculous that gets him talking. I've pretty much lost hope. I gotta start figuring out my future without him Cuz I feel like I wanna die somedays. I know you know the marriage situation cuz you're in pretty much the same boat. Hard to figure out where to start
Right?? Or can you mentally handle all of this?? I question myself alot. Ugh

[BNLsMOM]

Sometime I wonder if my bipolar would be under better control if I had more tenderness in my life from my husband. My husband can be a very warm person, so it hurts more when he is cold toward me.

I don't know what will solve the problem, but maybe it is time for you to be on your own... I am not there at the moment. The real answer is in your heart and you just have to listen.

[MommaR]

I'm so sorry. I was married to a very reserved man for 14 yrs, my husband now is very open and affectionate. I guess I didnt even realise what was missing in my first marriage. I wish I knew some advice to offer. I guess how I handled it was I spent a lot of time fantasying and doing things I enjoyed.

[Iamhealingme]

Cliche quote "actions speak louder than words". What's he saying?

[manic most days]

I have a hard time with relationships. I know exactly why too...
I am needy, I want to be spoiled, I want attention, I want to be told they love me everyday, I want equality, I want someone who puts as much effort into me as I put into them!!! I WANT PASSIONATE LOVE MAKING!!!!!
My wants are very specific and my needs are too... I am a spoiling person I will make you breakfast, hold you, tell you how much you mean to me, that I need you because you help me so much...
My children's and my needs really outweigh the need for a man right now let alone the desire to spend the energy it takes to have a man. My babies are numbero uno right now.
Have you ever left? How was the outcome upon ur return?

I truly wish I had the words of wisdom to help you, but I don't. I can say that you are not wrong for your feelings and you are not alone. I too am battling the cycle of this talk with my partner of almost 6 yrs. The conversation goes like you've described. I sulk for a while and then another outburst that is always my fault for starting s***. When all I really want is to feel loved and supported. I don't know your answer only YOUR heart can tell you what to do. Maybe it is time to find a more loving partner.

[BlueInanna]

aww hugs to all you ladies i feel like crapola this morning, stuck at work, want to be in bed.

passion, i don't think you're asking too much at all! you want all those things, and you're getting clearer on stating what you want, i think that's a good start.

communicating with men like this type of man is really difficult. and yea, they shut right down when you get what they see as overly emotional. and they get mad when you tell them they're unemotional and unromantic because they feel accused of something. so you have to tiptoe around and not put them on the defensive.

it's weird cuz they're the emotionless ones, but they're not really, they just act cold and hold it all in. they just don't show the love that we would like to have shown.

if you've already tried counselors and everything i don't know what else you are supposed to do.

if you want this to work with him, you might try the conversation that will get him to open up. Like if you say, do you love me? and he says yes. can you tell him that makes you so happy (if it does?), then tell him to tell you the top 5 things he loves about you, say please play along i need to hear some good things right now. then if he answers, you hug him thank him tell him that was romantic and sweet (or whatever.). my idea is that you start small with retraining him to open up, and give him big praises for opening up and being romantic, without straightforwardly saying that's what you're doing. might feel more natural to him that way, he doesn't sound like he responds well to the therapy setting.

i think it's worth trying some more, cuz i think you need to know you tried Everything before leaving a marriage. i'm at a similar place with the bf... i'm really wavering trying to figure out what i want - or moreso maybe can he change and become the man i want.... this stuff is hard!

I want to ask you something. Do you "demand" proof of his love on a regular basis? Do you question his love a lot? Not an accusation; just wondering and I'll tell you why.

I have a husband who refuses to trust in his core that I love him (he happens to have bpd). No matter what I say or do, or even how often I say I love him, he doesn't always trust that and starts doubting my love.

Honestly, it is maddening to be on the receiving end of this kind of questioning, particularly if at least by action it is obvious that my dedication and love for my husband really is unquestioning. And to turn it into blame because he can't "make you feel wanted" sounds so much like something my husband would say.

I don't know your situation or if this a pattern of questioning/behavior for you, but consider being on the receiving end of being told your love for your spouse isn't being trusted. It really does suck to be on the other side of this. And remember, another person can't "make" you feel wanted; you have to be able to feel that for yourself.

Originally Posted by Passion222

I felt completely down and out last night and decided to put something on the table to my husband. Please tell me your opinion on this discussion from last night. I asked my husband last night to tell me why he loves me. He said "I just do". I asked "but why, can't you name any specifics?" He asked"what is this?? Why do I have to tell you?" I responded"you don't know why. You can't even make me feel wanted with anything. This answer is not acceptable". He was so mad at me because I cried hysterically trying to understand where he comes from. I told him he is emotionless, unromantic, unaffectionate and I crave Love. He turned it around and I was the bad guy. He said "you always gotta start ****. Why can't you just accept things? Nothing is good enough". I said "I can't accept life with no love". He literally shut off. Put up the wall and it WILL NOT be discussed again until I lose it with a outburst like that again. Was I asking too much?

Like someone here stated, actions speak louder than words. I've tried that same conversation with my husband many times and he responded pretty much the same yours did. I am a very affectionate person. My husband says I'm needy and I guess I agree. I like attention from him. He is very cold and distant and this bothered me up and down for a very long time. It still does sometimes. We've been together for six years now and it took us most of those years to get to know eachother really well. We are still getting to know eachother. BUT eventhough he's cold and distant at times, he shows me he loves me by being there. He listens even when he doesn't want to. He takes me back everytime I leave. He wants me to get help and be a better wife and mother. He wants these things for our family. I even brought him to an appointment with my t recently and she said she sees a man that is committed and dedicated and isn't going anywhere. Eventhough he's a pain in the *** at times, I love him more than anything and wouldn't trade him for anyone. Actions speak louder than words.

ETA: Passion, I totally understand where you're coming from and sometimes a little love goes a long way. From what I've read and what I know, many men do this. At least he still says that he loves you and doesn't deny it. You've also got to look at everything you may have put him through. I know I have put my husband through a lot and hurt him over and over with this illness and because I can be a complete ********* which I take full accountability. It's hard. We are not easy people to live with and love. Sorry, I hate to see relationships end. I think that hope is never lost unless there is abuse involved. Good luck with everything.

[Emotionally Dead]

I am a male, but I think I am allowed to post here? It doesn't say "women-focused support", so here goes.

You will probably all be surprised to know that I have always been in the same vote. I have only been IN love once, but I have had numerous other relationships where I did care for the other person. I never had trouble showing affection. If a girlfriend asked me "why do you love me" I was so quick to give all the reasons. ESPECIALLY the one I WAS IN love with. I could keep going on and on and on, probably to the point of pathetic lol. I was like that with anyone I was with though. I am not the type of guy that just dates to date, I have to have a strong connection. Hopeless romantic.

Anywho, on the flip side none of my partners could answer the question to me. I could ask "why do you love me?" and not get the same results they got from me. Even the one girl that meant everything to me. There were times I asked and she even had the nerve to say "I don't know". Are you kidding?! How hurtful. I guess I am just too sensitive of a man, but that was definitely frustrating. Then I would sometimes get the "I just do" response. I know she loved me, but at times she had a hard time of showing it.

I can't really say that people don't deserve you if they can't even answer that simple question that deserves a detailed response, but I am pretty close to thinking they don't. That is a question that shoumd bring up a long list of things, in my opinion. As when you are deeply in love, and the chemistry between the two of you is undeniable, it shouldn't be that hard to answer. In fact, you should be jumping up and down with your hand raised like a stdent who was just offered candy from a teacher if he could answer this one question.

Unfortunately, everyone is different. Sure, actions speak louder than words, but words can be just as important. If someone is saying they love me want want what I want, I expect them to not only be affectionate in their actions but in their words too. That is just me.

I don't think you are wrong at all for asking or that it is asking too much. Take care .

[Passion222]

I'm 100% with you Emotionally Dead. I'm a hopeless romantic. AND I get nothing of affection here. My name is passion for a reason. I'm passionate. Very very loving and I get no responses from my husband. Sex NEVER happens and if it happens twice a year, it's robotic. I need the real deal. I'm all or nothing in a relationship. I've asked my husband that question a few times and its still unanswered. I can also tell someone in 50 words how I love them. Blueinanna, I like your approaching idea. Will try that in a few days and let you know how it goes. I gotta let last nights episode blow over. Well he's let it blow over as always. Subject was pushed to the side. Omg!!!! I want to punch a wall or something. So frustrated and sad just discussing this. I do know in my heart what I need to do. Gotta find my courage to move on already

[Passion222]

Farmergirl--I don't question his love. I actually feel he does love me. He sticks around. He caught me in a affair years ago and wouldn't let me go. Ive kicked him out twice and he begged to come back. I took him back out of sympathy and probably security I honestly am tired of his lack of affection. I do want to be spoiled and I get NOTHING from him. No little gifts or passionate kisses. Just a quick "peck" and that's it. I wanna be swept away into bed. Be made love to like two wild animals eating each other up. Lol.

Originally Posted by Passion222

He said "I just do". I asked "but why, can't you name any specifics?" He asked"what is this?? Why do I have to tell you?"

"I just do" is an acceptable answer. I have loved people extremely strongly (obsessively so) and not really known why. I just know that I do.

It's intellectually dishonest to give any reason if you don't know the reason. Would you have preferred he started quoting song lyrics? This guy may be a complete d*ck, I don't know. I only know what you've said in this thread and the last...

If I were reading this on any other forum, I would make the assumption that you're being very one-sided in how you're telling the story.

[HurtingFML]

Originally Posted by Passion222

I felt completely down and out last night and decided to put something on the table to my husband. Please tell me your opinion on this discussion from last night. I asked my husband last night to tell me why he loves me. He said "I just do". I asked "but why, can't you name any specifics?" He asked"what is this?? Why do I have to tell you?" I responded"you don't know why. You can't even make me feel wanted with anything. This answer is not acceptable". He was so mad at me because I cried hysterically trying to understand where he comes from. I told him he is emotionless, unromantic, unaffectionate and I crave Love. He turned it around and I was the bad guy. He said "you always gotta start ****. Why can't you just accept things? Nothing is good enough". I said "I can't accept life with no love". He literally shut off. Put up the wall and it WILL NOT be discussed again until I lose it with a outburst like that again. Was I asking too much?

I been here done that, and had to figure it all out and this is what I came to realize. The question wasn't inappropriate rather your go about . You have to be just as tender as you'd like him to be with you. When you ask a man a question like this, you have to first realize that a person mind has to adjust to whats being asked. Maybe he has a lot of reason he loves you, maybe he just needed time to put it all together in a loving way. Just maybe he needed time to think instead of run into you with alot of simple answer. And on the other hand maybe he had to ask himself the question. Just think how much better of a response you would have gotten if you would have ask the question and then waited for an answer, rather than shove your doubts down his throat. Im as bipolar as they get and I understand how we randomly and anxiously want answers when something just pops into our head. Maybe you should apologize and ask in a better way, and tell him why you acted in that way. You just wanna be sure you are still loved and everything is still ok

[HurtingFML]

Originally Posted by Passion222

I felt completely down and out last night and decided to put something on the table to my husband. Please tell me your opinion on this discussion from last night. I asked my husband last night to tell me why he loves me. He said "I just do". I asked "but why, can't you name any specifics?" He asked"what is this?? Why do I have to tell you?" I responded"you don't know why. You can't even make me feel wanted with anything. This answer is not acceptable". He was so mad at me because I cried hysterically trying to understand where he comes from. I told him he is emotionless, unromantic, unaffectionate and I crave Love. He turned it around and I was the bad guy. He said "you always gotta start ****. Why can't you just accept things? Nothing is good enough". I said "I can't accept life with no love". He literally shut off. Put up the wall and it WILL NOT be discussed again until I lose it with a outburst like that again. Was I asking too much?

Some how i feel Ive missed an important part of your post. Forgive me if my answer seems one sided. im responding to what could have made the situation better for the both of you. And i realize its practically normal for us women to want to randomly quiz our men from the heart

[Anika.]

I dunno, I might have an unpopular opinion. But when you really love someone, and they really love you.. don't these conversations just happen from time to time? I know my bf loves me, and I love him. If I say " hey baby, you know what?.... I love you sooo much because of x, y, and z" he would say " I love you too... tons, you are my best friend!" ( or because a, b,c ) and sometimes he will initiate it. If he is feeling a little insecure he might say " Do you miss me, I sure miss you", it's pretty normal to need a little reassurance here and there, not all the time, but we all do have our times. Why would something so easy and small, be so hard and such a big deal to do, for people who supposedly really love each other ?

To me it seems natural to say "I love you" everyday, and hear it everyday. It's not being "spoiled". Not in my opinion. What if my bf got in an accident that day and I never saw him again? I would have wanted him to have heard that that day. It's not a big deal in a healthy relationship, just natural. If it's what you feel in your heart. My opinion anyways.

I haven't really ever been with anyone who is not affectionate. Well my ex husband, was on and off all the time. Point is being affectionate, and craving affection is not needy, spoiled or anything of that nature, especially when the actions do NOT match the words. It's being a social animal that relies on affection. We all do. Why is that called "needy" ? I am very affectionate, I am sensitive, empathetic, compassionate, and am moved by emotion...Is there a problem with this? I don't think so. And if someone calls you "needy", then I guess I'd say yes, I have needs, like every other human being. Everyone is "needy" then I guess. Sorry.. that gets to me soo much. It's a very good way to place blame on someone who is directly asking you to meet their needs in some of these cases. And after all if you have a need, should you be direct or expect the other person to be a mind reader. I think we all know the answer to that one. Ask directly. Not every need will or can be met, But the "partner" should be interested and want to meet the ones they can, and not just simply ignore the ones they can't. If they can't and you asked, then they can openly discuss why with you, and vice versa.

It's a partnership that requires two people. It doesn't work if only one person wants to participate. Closed off... cold.. whatever you want to call it, doesn't make good recipe for a relationship. This isn't directed at anyone in particular, just my opinion the general topic. No one should have to beg for affection from their partner or spouse.

Anika, I agree with your post. Craving affection is a physical and emotional need so in that way, we are needy. Some people don't have this high on their priority list of needs but it doesn't make either person bad or good, right or wrong. Of course, it is good to have your significant other tell you they love you everyday but some people have a hard time articulating that love if you ask them why. They just do and hopefully that will suffice. If they can't explain it, you should be able to take a step back, look at their actions and SEE that they love you. To some people, an unaffectionate person is ultimately incompatible with them but there is no blame. If that's what it comes down to, mark it down to learning, I guess.

[Passion222]

Thanks Anika. I'm getting alot of dif opinions which I appreciate. I agree it's important to be open with each other. Id like some communication. Just something. When I'm frustrated the questions blurt out. Almost like I'm petrified of his anger. I know he will argue and that's all I get. I only bring up these kinds of things maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Just want a little emotional or romantic conversation. All we talk about is the kids or work. I'm so outgoing and have tons to say. He drowns me out all the time. Like he's in his own world and I'm not allowed to rock his world in any way shape or form. Literally. No exaggeration on this

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by TheHighPriestess

Anika, I agree with your post. Craving affection is a physical and emotional need so in that way, we are needy. Some people don't have this high on their priority list of needs but it doesn't make either person bad or good, right or wrong. Of course, it is good to have your significant other tell you they love you everyday but some people have a hard time articulating that love if you ask them why. They just do and hopefully that will suffice. If they can't explain it, you should be able to take a step back, look at their actions and SEE that they love you. To some people, an unaffectionate person is ultimately incompatible with them but there is no blame. If that's what it comes down to, mark it down to learning, I guess.

People are different, sure. However, if its createing chaos in a relationship, perhaps it's worth looking at and seeking out help. Or trying to work on it. Communication is vital. Comunicating emotions, and feelings, thoughts is a huge part of a relationship. Everyone has do work in a relationship, it isnt about blame, it's about being the best partner that you can be, both people. If you are emotionally unavailable, you have have a responsability to figure that out. If you have other things that are causing problems, you work on it. Good relationships are hard work, they don't just happen.

Ones need to be closed off does not trump my need for affection. Both people need to work together. I wasn't passing blame. There isn't blame, but there is better ways to make a relashionship work. Passion was saying she gets NO affection, and sounds as though big issues get swept under the rug. So I guess I am speaking on the whole thing.

[Passion222]

Thehighpriestess you make so much sense. I sometimes think I'm too hard on him. But it's at "it is what it is" and I can't seem to get over this hump. Feel it's not compatible like you said. I'm just moaning and complaining so much. I'm sorry. I feel like a complete pain in the *** over my marriage already

Anika, I completely agree. I agree no issue should be swept under the rug. I'm sorry if that's how I was coming across. I think telling someone you love them everyday is important as well as being able to see and feel the love. I was just pointing out that it's also important to take a step back and look at yourself because none of us are peaches and relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies. It does take work. It takes accountability as well as respect. Love is a complicated thing and for some people a difficult thing to express and articulate. Counseling is a good option but I believe she said they've tried that already and failedand that's unfortunate. Perhaps it's worth another go? But I agree, a relationship is two people and BOTH need to compromise and maintain dedication.

Passion, don't feel bad for venting. That's in part what this forum is for and we are all here to support you. I hope I have not offended you with anything that I have said. And trust me when I say I have been exactly where you are, many times. It's hard and agonizing at times. I do hope that you guys can develop a better communication and understanding with eachother.

[Passion222]

Thank you. I'm gonna give it every last ounce of my effort to make this work. Then at least I can say I did everything I could. And I know I'm sure not a pleasant person quite a bit of times. Better on meds though. But learning I gotta look at his side already. I can be forgetful about that part. Thank you again for letting me vent. Hugs

[BlackPup]

I'm married to someone who is shy and reserved. He doesn't always display his affection to me the way I'd like or say the things I'd like him to say. But I've learnt that that is about him and his problems and I don't let it say anything about me. In his own way he makes me feel loved and that's all that matters
I guess the 2 points I want to make is that guys don't have to do and say what we want them to say to still love us and it really depends if you feel loved overall - which seems not to be the case in your posts.
I hope your hubby can find a way to communicate his love for you.